I go around and I feel totally, utterly gutted.

As though someone reached inside, took everything that mattered and took off like a thief in the middle of the night. Everyday, is the day after, everyday is a mess, everyday the same as the next. I'm bewildered and amazed when I look down and see one foot drag itself in front of the other, I wonder from where they find the energy to do so...to carry me ahead to a future I no longer care about.

The days are no longer slow or long, but they simply exist, and fade, come, and go, melt one in to the other, and such is my existence, and such it carries on. There is no more passion, no more hope, there are no more flickers of life which echo through these hollow chambers. There simply is what is, nothing more, and perhaps quite a bit less. Sort of like a house can not simple be considered a home with out a examination of it's contents, a person can not be considered as such with out the same sort of examination, the sort that I would fail and have to be considered a what as opposed to a who.

Years ago I could picture every holiday. Even though I'm not Christian, I envisioned Christmas with Elizabeth, for Elizabeth rather than myself. An excuse to spoil her as I never really got a chance to. An excuse for the goddess in disguise as an angel to steal the angel and then hide said angel. I imagined holidays away, sweater vests and hot chocolate. I wanted to teach her how to ski. I always thought she would be quite the snow bunny. Then again, we no longer get snow in the north east of Bushs' America, the corporations have taken their toll and as a result our environment has become bankrupt. In Bushs 'America enemy #1 is the impoverished, so declaring chapter nine is not what it once was, it's seen as a cheat, as a way out, rather than a way to redemption and a stride toward normality for those fallen on hard times...so what is a bankrupt environment really suppose to do?

I imagined New Years Eve celebrated by candle light, I imagined almost every night together celebrated by candle light after so many years fighting to stay together. How her eyes made the flames dance. She always looked radiant, but by candle light, my heart would skip two beats. I would need heart medication if we had continued. I don't imagine I could have ever grow accustom to such amazing eyes, such delicate hands, such a wonderful person.

I feel, rather, I think it's better to be void as I am, other wise I wouldn't be able to function as I did before her, I did not function for years after her, Months went by and I did only the bare minimum to survive. I locked myself away from the world and only now do I choose to emerge, not a better person or a different person, but simply a thing meant to blend in to the background. I've never been good at blending, yet I try, I try to melt my self away in to the abyss, the nothingness. I try and keep a low profile and try to show no flash.

I no longer have do I have any aspiration other than to be bling free, no hopes, and no dreams other than those which haunt me in my sleep. I only have material possessions to which I am for the most part indifferent upon. I would trade them all for the necklace that Elizabeth gave me on my birthday, the one I so foolishly gave back for I did not deem myself worthy of her heart. The one I would kiss a hundred times a day, the act which now seems so foolish, childish, and the act of a man madly in love. The heart she would later in fact deem myself not worthy of, only after I cemented my resolve in staying with her forever, that after everything that was said, this was it, the one, forever, love. It was...but at the heart of it all, I was the dreamer, Elizabeth the scientist, she acted as she is, logical and decisive, and I did all that I could in order to get over her, I stopped dreaming, and thus stopped being who I once was.

¶ 12/31/2006 11:11:00 PM //

I can't recall everything, as always but, I was on top of a building in the city. There was a group exercise or something, a group jumping from one end to another. My cousin G/K was there (I think) and he gave the entire thing attitude and threw a blanket off the side of the building. I got upset and said he could kill someone throwing things off the building as he was. We were next to the park, central park telling by the gentlemen cabs. He gave lip back going on to ask how? I had to stop and imagine how, but I gave him plenty of lip back.

A bit later I was with a group of people I seemed to know, but can't really place. We were driving about in the same auto/carriage(it may have been the back of a limo). I can't recall how we were moving along, or even if I was driving ( I doubt it). Although we were now on the ground level just outside of the same building I was just on the roof of. I had the sensation that they were all out of towners. I may have been pretending to be from out of town.

A bit later, I'm not sure how I got there, or why I was there, but I was running through under ground conduits. I started out in a dark, dank parking garage...I think. The air had some sort of impending doom about it, a urgency. I felt as though I was on the job, the same sort of job I was doing when I was with Elizabeth, the dangerous sort. Although I came across a underground church(I think), I saw many people who recognized me, yet I didn't recognize any of them in turn...A hint of familiarity, but not really. People were sleeping on the floor with nothing but blankets. I felt a bit like a child.

Later, perhaps even much later (hours? not days, maybe day) I was in a small house. the place was in the sort of mess only a woman could keep. I was hurrying up to pack up and leave. I had a small suitcase, about the size of a carry on, the sort my father uses on his trips. I was running around making sure I got everything and then ran off in to her room, her bathroom. There were cotton swabs, I can't recall much else. Small bathroom though, messy as well. I was then about to head out when I saw in front of the door a larger suitcase, blocking said door. I then saw a few items I can't recall next to said bag and a note on top. It was written on Ratheyon stationary, I had written something semi-clever-geeky. TWS in big letters and what the represented in a downward fashion. I didn't/couldn't read it so I ripped it out, and then the same message. I thought it would be seen as being anal, although in hindsight it may be seen as persistent. (IE: someone rips one note only to find the same note again) I then recognized the larger suitcase as my own. I was going to take it but then I noticed it was filled with plastic bags of packing material,styrofoam peanuts which seemed to expand. Just then I heard a auto pull in to a garage. thus I am lead to believe it was a small ranch house and not a apartment. I was readying myself to explain why I was still there, that I had a place at the Hyatt in the city (A bad lie).

Reflections...

I'm not sure at the end if I was packing, or if I was running away. I've packed in such mad frenzies in the past when I wish to escape.

Noelle! It was her house, and she was with us on the night out, I woke up and I found it ere I dream of this person seemingly 2 dreams in a row. I'm not doing anything remotely ...actually I have been buying many books, but still, that's not enough to connect me to what/who I was in middle school.

¶ 12/20/2006 02:31:00 AM //

I'm not sure who I was dreaming of, she smelled and felt like Elizabeth, but she wasn't. She talked and moved ,even looked like Noelle. I think Noelle was one of my 1st crushes, once upon a time in middle school. It was fairly short lived though. I later found out that I preferred academics to cheerleaders. Not to say Noelle wasn't smart. She just wasn't rocket scientist smart, sort of in the fashion that Elizabeth is mind numbingly brilliant.

It felt as though we had been together for a few months, however we were still learning very much about each other. My race was very different in the dream, but yet not a negative(as it would have been in the south). I think we were at a funeral. I was wearing a cub scout uniform(I was a boyscout once upon a time) and had at lest 3 purple hearts. I was 35, and not sure if i still served. I sat on center upon a grand balcony and she stood behind me. She kissed me in raid succession on my right side as Elizabeth had done from behind on my left side. I pushed her back, kissed her on her check once, and said it was a formal event, and that we needed to behave ourselves. Although throughout the dream there were many such actions from her...but I don't think there was anything more than that.

Later in the procession every one went in to the building that the balcony we were in, over looked. In hindsight, it could have even been a play, however the air was very heavy with a sobering grief.

A bit later we were in a dinner, eating burgers, a mutual friend was there (whom I don't know in reality). There was lots of chit chat and he then took off to either the bathroom or off in general. She then jumped in my lap, exclaimed something to the effect of "thank god he's gone" and we started sharing pictures. She showed me a photo of her car which looked more like schematics and design schemes. I told her it looked like a cheap plastic Japanese toy, unless it was vintage in which case is was most likely solid. She said it was from a lot in G (2 towns over), she mentioned how she spent a lot of time in G (as have I recently when in CT) Then she once again kissed my check and was about to move in when a buzzer rang over head. It rang a few times and she moaned how it always happens to her. Something to do with how the restaurant operated. We either hung around town for a bit, or she left I can't recall, however we parted ways a bit thereafter.

Later on I received a handwritten text message, it was casual, but the sort couples who have been together write one another (so I'm guessing) She had long and pronounced J's, and F's very classic, avaunt guard. Then again I have very pronounced J's and F's, but very modern (I'd guess) Elizabeth said they were "funny". I didn't read the entire thing, it was sort of trying to read a letter through a magnifying glass, said glass being my cell phone. Actually, I recall someone asking about it in the dream, but every so briefly, too brief to recall. She said something about being down to 136lb's. I recall being happy for her, as was the tone of her message but, her figure sort of like Elizabeth's, twigs the lot of them. I wouldn't have imagined she was anything more than , 110?.

There was something about a building in the city, that she was moving to NY, to be closer? I can't recall. I do know she was frustrated with me, that I didn't give myself to her.

There was more, it's just that I can't recall any more.

¶ 12/17/2006 04:17:00 AM //

I dreamt...

I was in my bed, as of late I'm starting to sleep in the middle, vs the old method of sleeping off to the side, a space saved for a person who will never come. Yet at morning, I always seem to return to my respective corner.

I have a small alcove to the top right and left of my bed, flanked by windows covered in sheets of kevlar and large trauma plates. I like the light of 3 exposures in one room, but not at this risk of being killed in my sleep by a agent tasked with death from afar.

I was about to doze off when I was grabbed and thrown in to the small space to the right hand side of my bed, along with me came my sheets, blankets, and lost in the shuffle the smg I keep under my pillow. When I realized what was happening I raced up the vacuum as I kept being pulled in, climbing up the sheets as they whipped past me in the opposite direction. I was being thrown back, yet couldn't feel anything holding on to me.

For some reason I had the vision of a demonic creature, sort of how I recall the agent employed by the Nothing from the Never Ending Story. (When I was a child, I loved this story, I always thought it so grand and epic. I fell a bit in love with the name (se)Bastian...it always seemed iconic and noble, perhaps since then. Then again I did have the same haircut, ha, so did Elizabeth) I didn't see it, yet I knew it was in the room, it was behind what happen, and it was after me.

I fought and clawed my way out , threw myself up on to the bed and on to the floor to get a proper footing. I knew I was in danger, and something was in the room for the express purpose to kill me. The room seemed much larger. I looked across the room and saw my door was open (it's never open) So I rushed over and slammed it closed, wedged it with a block as well as locked it.

It may have escaped, but something told me it had not. I looked around and saw nothing, yet I did not not see what threw me about. However the lack of evidence did not lead me to conclude the vacancy of my would be assassin.

Something told me, if i stood to face my intruder, that I would face my maker as well...and so I yelled for it to show it self, for it to have the common decency, and sense of honour to attack me to my face, rather than attack in me in my sleep. I screamed to the room that it had made it this far, that it's grand act of cowardice at this point only serves to shames itself.

As I was building up the readiness to face a world of pain (for myself) I thought of it odd...how I fight in this fashion, and yet so many would have ran out the open door rather than lock themselves in with their enemy, especially with out a weapon. That many would run away, to fight another day, and here I was ready to jump off a cliff without a chute. I asked myself why I must dance amongst the fine line between heroism and stupidity, between honour and idiocy. I questioned why I must always do what's right, but not always what's smart.

I woke up still waiting for the creature to show itself...It never did.

¶ 12/13/2006 03:32:00 AM //

I think it started in a bed, I was either in a hospital or on a military bed, or so I assumed at first. Primarily because I was in bed with a guy, and in the next bed over there were two more guys. It was either a queen or full size bed....actually in hindsight it could have been a hotel.

Then there was this girl who snuck in to bed with me and, she reminded me very much of Elizabeth, but she was not. Elizabeth had a cold cynicism she would show the world, (And occasionally to myself), yet this person lacked that, but she was not Elizabeth. It's felt new, yet familiar and she rested her head in a different fashion than Elizabeth did. She wanted to have sex and was really aggressive,...but I told her to control it, that I couldn't. I'm not sure as to whether this was because of the person next to us try to sleep, or that I did not want relations with this person. Although our clothes were half off at this point. Shortly thereafter the guy next to us pops his head out and said something like "dick" implying we were ruining his sleep.

I had her sit next to me and I wanted to just sit with her in silence, try to figure things out. There was a bit of impending excitement in the air, and she sat next to me, just in front of me, a bit sexually frustrated. Just then through the door came, my father, except he was clean shaved as he was when I was younger. I asked him why he shaved? (Ironically he kept his beard only after seeing mine) He turned to me, revealing it was a goatee and made some sort of bad joke about the tears rolling down further. He seemed a bit taller and he was in a suit. Just then every one starts pouring in and just lots of family members and I thanked god they did not walk in to sexual exploits. My brother then walked in and he was also in a suit. These were not black suits, but Sunday suits of sorts. (We don't wear Sunday suits) I then introduced him to the girl I was with, (we were still on the bed) and
I said this is "Elizabeth, but not that Elizabeth". My brother is the one person in my family who knows a bit about Elizabeth, and I even left him with instructions should she show up and I'm no longer here.

I asked him what he wanted to drink and somehow orange juice came up. I had been out of town for a while (as has been the case lately) and I explained how the fridge was empty so I would see what I could do.

I then whispered in this fuax-Elizabeth's ear and asked her if she wanted to do some thing wildly domestic, that I was going to the grocery store, and if she would like to come with me. I was expecting a no, but received a enthusiastic yes. I have to admit, it did make me really happy to hear it. (The proper Elizabeth and I never got to go grocery shopping together)

I then was about to get up and tried to sneak my jeans back up under the sheets, and ran off in to the other room to zip up my fly, then I turned around and noticed the super swank place. It was very Victorian, avant guard. Very plush and rich materials. I noticed a few more people I think they were also relatives. I then went in to the hallway and saw my great grand mother (she passed away about 10 years ago) and I was about to blow her by but I then called out her title and hugged her. She was also wearing a suit though and she smiled, looked to be in good health and she hugged me, grabbed my tie (I was now wearing slacks, shirt and tie, can't recall a coat though) and she pulled me around in to the room I was in. I looked over to faux-Elizabeth and said"aren't ties wonderful?" or something to this effect and I was lead over to where the shoes were. I was trying to find my dress shoes to wear to the store and faux-Elizabeth looked up and laughed as I was being pulled around by my tie.

The recollection ends shortly thereafter, however I think of it in hindsight, and it had the overwhelming feel of a wedding. That perhaps I was the one to get married? Perhaps the reason why I didn't have sex. Although I can't say for sure. When I was with Elizabeth, I would imagine our wedding and at first, my side of the ceremony would be empty, and hers overflowing. I felt a bit self consciences about it...then I thought that perhaps there would be two weddings, then, when Elizabeth would tell me of her difficulties at home, with her father. I thought perhaps a small simple ceremony. Elizabeth said she didn't want to get married in a church, so I suggested we get married at sea.

I never imagined her in one of those long flowing white dresses, always something sleek, and contemporary, much like herself.

Sadly, I never got the chance to share such ideas with her, I may have, but not in such depths. It was not that I was afraid of scarring her off, after all I thought as a couple we were invincible, and that we could do anything together, and we would never let issues escalate as we had excellent communication. Yet, in the end, she left me in a single sentence, with no explanation, and no remorse. She went from I love you , to I can't be with you in a instant. I'm still in shock over how and the lack of why(lack of respect for what was). Although had she not moved on, I would have worried even more so. She has, and all I can be is happy for most possibly the most amazing person to have ever graced my life.

¶ 12/10/2006 03:07:00 AM //

My biggest problem in trying to deal with getting rid of Elizabeth, may be that i simply recall, far too fondly, what it used to mean to be happy. Perhaps that I recall what it is to be happy. Even when I was with her, I never took the sheer, unadulterated happiness for granted. I never knew what happiness could truly be till I was with her. After being so blissfully happy for so long...I had almost forgotten what it was to be sad, yet I always knew what a wonderful gift said happiness was. So when it hit me all at once...I can't say.

Granted..she got things faster than I did (she claims I was the genius and she was only ingenious..but I would argue the vice versa), but...it was so crystal clear. I had to do everything I could to be a better person for her. The way she hugged...she held on so tight..at first I was taken aback a bit... and latter..they meant so much. I had never been hugged with passion...I didn't even know such a thing existed and yet...Elizabeth did.

I miss everything...but it was the finer points that really mess with my mind. The things I try to forget and yet I can't. The way she played with my eye brows...I mean who plays with eyebrows? Elizabeth did, in the utmost caring fashion.

I once told her that she could never leave me, for she was now the ruler by which I measured all others, and no one else could ever hope to compare. Now in the years since, no one has even been even been worthy to compare let alone could possibly replace what was once my nirvana, but now only serves as my prison.

¶ 12/05/2006 06:43:00 AM //

There was a odd dream, I was at my parents house in ct, and via either email, or a series of calls I got together with someone I once went out with in reality. She was one of those awkward first dates after not being with anyone for such a long time, a proper humanitarian, out to save the world. She'd seen the 3rd world...urban studies. (Is there such a thing as negative chemistry?)

I can't recall if I sent my parents away, or convinced them to leave, however she came, although I have no idea how . She came over and she looked much better than I recalled. I think we were watching tv at a awkward angle, and one thing led to another. However it was almost as though we were forced in to it. Then as Elizabeth and I would do, she laid on top of me, but faced away, I went over her body and I insisted I kiss her. She turned her neck far back to accommodate me. There was nothing for myself and even that was awkward, yet we kept going. I went down with my hands, under her clothes, and she started really getting in to it when finally, after what seemed ages of torture (for me) she got up and asked if I even knew what I was doing? If I was even in the region?

I may be a idiot, but this is the one thing I know how to do. so she said this was all too weird (it was my parents den) and so she was going to go for a walk.

The house itself, was like my parents house, except it was re worked, the propriety seemed much larger, and the house re worked in a fashion that it seemed more grand, yet the same size. (bit more closed off floor plan though) I went to turn on all the out door lights for her, to light up the area, so that she could see her way, but only half of them worked. I eventually gave up and went outside to try and talk to her, perhaps take her home. As I came down the stairs in the middle of the rear deck (a place where there is no current stair case) I ran in to family members, I think two cousins (R + J?) R ran up to me and said it was good to see me, and then he pointed at a black convertible a few hundred feet away and made conversation about how V finally became a man and got a real car, a convertible. I imagine it was his first (he doesn't have a licence)

V is one of those cousins, that I can't put my finger on it, but something just makes you want to hug him, so every time I see him I hug him in a semi-comedic, overbearing, I haven't seen you for a million years, sort of fashion...as was replicated in the dream. I asked him if uncle P bought him the car (or I may have assumed this to myself)

Around then they pointed to my jeans and..noticed on rip across the right leg, then two, then a few, it was as though the person I was with, had something sharp on her and places where she grinded hard against me had cut the fabric of my clothes.

At this point I started to look for her (Sound familiar?) Although I think her personality went from the constant humanitarian (J) to the drunken, dizzy, overly artsy, do every drug under the sky, (M), or it just seemed that way. Although I was worried about her and began looking in earnest. I was also worried about the family meeting her (a very very old family, with very old traditions) Just then another uncle came around (M) and he brought someone..I didn't recognize. I shook their hands and said I'm off to do something.

The driveway was slowly filling up, and I knew I had to be quick about finding this girl. That there may be social obligations I may have missed, and yet I couldn't leave the girl wondering the rural roads of CT alone.

I went down the road and I was looking and walking, I think I even went as far as two towns over. Then foliage changed though, reminded me of Columbia. I came across this shack of light colored wood. Fairly new, but cheaply made. It was a LRO station for off road adventures sponsored by the manufacturer of my auto. I saw a sign in the shack, that once I got in seemed to stretch forever. It read "mud" with a big O with a dash posted underneath it. I turned to the guy and said how I had always wanted to go one of these, and I was in the area visiting my parents. I had a X model up the street and would love to get it dirty with them. He said I couldn't , yet there was a class up north in Bangor. For some reason my mind drew blanks and I couldn't recall what sate Bangor was in(Maine) , and so I asked him Bangor? He said yes, Bangor Maryland. I then asked him North? (Maryland is a few hundred miles south) He said he got the information, outdated video,and that the flag only had 48 stars on it. I joked and said it was perhaps for southerns. He joked and said it was for people in Long Island..once again this made no sense as Long Island is far north of Maryland. I told him people in Long Island are not as bad as those in the south (In terms of racism and ignorance...although LI can be pretty bad in certain spots)

I left the shack behind and continued looking (Although it is odd, I'm only just now noting the scene in the shack took place during what seemed the day, and yet she left at dusk...the lighting in the dream makes almost no sense)

So off I went again to look for this missing girl. The foliage around the house was dense, almost that of England though...everything was covered in a thick fog (As NYC was the morning before this dream) I was with my father going through the front yard and noticed many trees inside of what was once a manicured open field. I told them these needed to be cut down and then went in to why. He said ok, and I think he was helping me look. I went down to the road and thought I should call her and I think accidental dialed 911, but hung right up hoping the signal had not gone out. I saw numbers...323? 305? 425? I can't be sure now. Although as 911 came and left, A photo of a unmarked SUV with a light bar , a ford expedition came on my self phone. I put it down and one passed right in front of me. I went down to the road but it was long gone. I hoped it wasn't the girl in trouble.

I went to the base of the drive way and the cars continued to come (so it seems) I went up and there was my auto. Parked on the slope at the mouth of our sec and driveway. My brother joked ( I think) about how egocentric I was to park in said fashion. I said I left space for people to pass me, and I wanted to be ready to leave quickly in Case I had to. Just then I thought a black old school vw passat pulled up and passing us (my brother had a white one, although this felt as though it was ours). I had a smug retort I can't explain,although it later turned in to a smaller incarnation of a old school Jaguar coupe as it backed up in front of my truck. (I was initially worried I had parked on the grass, very out of character for me in any case expect a emergency) I took a quick glance up the driveway and noticed a big body Mercedes Benz was blocking it by parking sideways (It's what we do in large functions to avoid congestion and blocked cars, thus no one parks in the VIP lane with out prior clearance...IE: last function, perhaps 300 cars? but only 10 or so vip slots)

I opened my passenger side door for reasons unknown to me while trying to reach this girl (my mother and father were there as well...listing to the conversation amongst brothers) when out came a pink hunk of plastic ringing. I knew it was her cell phone, although close up it had a odd shape. It must have fallen out of her pocket, thus the conclusion she came with me. I picked it up. It was a distinct ring..ring yes ,no odd song or anything of the sort.

I carried it and let it ring, redialing it every so often to avoid her voice mail box in hopes that she would hear it. I went around the area again looking for her.

I wound up on the south west side of the property when I noticed my father running through the brush and a Israeli looking guy chasing him. He either took down my father or my father fell. I ran up and demanded to know what was going on (taking no one's side at this point) and the Israeli with the very close (almost bald ) hair cut said that a flock of bird escaped, and he was the only one running in the opposite direction (the method by which they caught on of the Kenyan embassy bombers (Shrapnel in his back as he ran away)).

I then found a few certified checks...1543 something something.

My father said he had saved up, that his hamster got better and he wanted to be a hamster doctor. Something about medicine and doctors. He was still facing down. I hugged him and started to cry, saying he could be anything he wanted, that he didn't have to run away to do so. I couldn't stop crying ( In reality...I don't cry) although the crying seemed a bit forced. I think I was touched at the simplicity of the gesture, of how child like his entire plan was. Something about it just set off a nerve...and I woke up shortly thereafter feeling guilty about not being able to find the girl, to make sure she was safe.

¶ 12/01/2006 03:22:00 PM //