I'm the epitome of stupidity. I made the mistake of reading the last 100 emails. Want to know what I look like? Quick, go over to your encyclopedia and now look up stupidity, right between Homer J. Simpson (although well intentioned) and GW Bush (evil fucking bastard).

I don't know what makes me feel worse, the fact that I re-read so much, the fact I looked at some of the pictures again, or the fact that I've been so wrong.

I can't recall what brought it on, however I felt the need to read a few things in light of recalling our first time out. I didn't know what I was looking for, something, anything. Well, one quick read became a two hour process in getting remote log in to work. You see, in my effort to rid myself of everything dealing with her, I even hid the laptop away. I clicked it on, and hooked it up to the router and updated all the software, however it was over 100 degrees (f) in the room so I had to get out, although I suppose staying there would have provided less incentive to continue reading.

So I logged on to the vaio from the thinkpad and logged in to my juno account, and I found the hundreds of emails we had sent back and forth. Part of my heart sunk at the fact that for every one of these email she sent, there was a hard copy locked away somewhere. She saved everything, yet sadly shared nothing. She may have even destroyed said copies as she did with her journals when she was younger. Fear that someone may find out what a wonderful person she is, regardless of what she thought.

I read and read, and must have read at lest a hundred letters. I was shocked at how much she really loved me, and how I had the nerve, and questioned said love after she left me. I recalled how poor I was. How paying off two mortgages at once really destroyed me (fiscally)and yet I still found the funds for silly things such as playstations, when I didn't have the funds to call her. Although I vividly recall setting aside money for her, concealing it inside the flap of a hardbound case so that I may send said books to her with said funds…yet I never got the chance (I actually wonder if it's still there)

I recalled saving and saving for out future, and having such a strict budget, all my legal disasters at the time, and yet the worse was still to come. (Interpol/ my past finally catching up) the legal matters at the time seemed so epic, and yet Elizabeth was by my side throughout it all. I set her up for myself not being able to see her again, in light of a "extended vacation". She was always dismayed at what I did, and still so supportive. Only she knew the truth, or the tid bits that comprised said truth.. No one else, I trusted her, and her alone with almost every aspect of my life.

It also crushed me to see that for every email she had sent, I had not sent one back. She wrote to me, more than I wrote to her. I read my emails and, they were petty, childish, hopeful and those of a dreamer. Now I write, and then I may re read, re write, there is a process when I write emails to people. Even the spur of the moment emails get a quick once over for spelling. Yet with her, everything I wrote was so raw, from the heart, I never spell checked for fear of re reading and editing raw thoughts and emotions, and yet she would still understand the jumble of letters. Yet punctuation, grammar came so easily to her, that she would pick up languages left and right with such ease. Greatness came to her so naturally. Yet all her greatness was not learned, it was natural. Her grace, her elegance not only resided in her composure, but her words. She wrote, as a artist paints. She was so hopeful at times. We were so madly in love, it was so intense and it blinding.

Then…I came across the attachments…

I once thought I pin pointed the point she stopped caring, but no. I was wrong. I thought it was when I got a hair cut, and sent her the photos, and she never replied. She did, she liked it, she said how I looked so much younger. She constantly mentioned how cute I was, and at times how handsome and sexy I was.

Then I saw her attachments, ones that she said I could do as I wish with and she trusted me. Then the videos, the sort you make in the bedroom and only watch in the bedroom. (there is no tv in my bedroom). I will still continue to honour what we had by not sharing those, however I'll mention that I respected her wishes not to be with me, and thus did not gawk at her stunning figure. I closed them immediately and left them unmarked, lost amongst the thousands of things she sent me.

I even reread the time I confronted her one time, I asked if she loved the idea of us, the idea of love rather than myself. I used to be bewildered why such a splendid creature, someone who tasted like heaven on earth, why would something so beautiful, be with someone so vile as my self. She was so sweet, she reassured me and told me in a thousand words she loved me, and only me, and why. I didn't understand the why, however She always touched me. I recalled every letter she sent , the moment I would receive said letter the smile would show up. It wouldn't go away for the entire day. I used to think back to them, and they meant so much, they really saved me, as did she.

I also noticed all the email addresses she used and…that's why I am a bit dismayed. Although, for the most part I knew what she was thinking, I could never predict such things as what she would use for her passwords, or email addresses. Although once upon a time she even told me all her passwords. I never used them, or could even recall them. However she used so many languages, so many servers and was such a accomplished and cultured person, that no one could ever predict what they would be. (study her as you wish).

She wrote of amazing things, and never was there any hesitation in her love, only in the future. In practical matters we were a logistical nightmare. Her there, and myself over here. I recalled I would sometimes skip meals to buy a phone card and call her. Yet her bill was often greater than mine. I took for granted she had the support of her parents , while in actuality she suffered more than myself. She was so hesitant in taking money and in the end, she took none. Albeit I had set aside for her. The funds were never sent. I ran out of time. I have a closet, a bottom portion, perhaps 2 x 3 x 4 packed with gifts, that I never got to sent. Blue M&M's I never got to send.

Also… the faux argument we would have regarding taste of different color M&M's. She would say blue tasted better and in the end, she admitted that perhaps they tasted the same and such inferences were purely physiological. She let me win. Oh every one knows the blue ones taste the best! Yet I wouldn't know since I haven't had one since I found out she prefers them. (Although she doesn't really like chocolate, her palate was more sophisticated) I'm so defeated…to think, I still save them for things that may never come.

Only in one email did she express the possibility in her leaving me, she said that she felt she was not good enough. I don't know how I replied, perhaps via another medium. However she commented on how she was not ready to let me go. That she would do everything so we could stay together, that we had simply been through too much.

In the end, I suppose reality triumphed over love. It's just that now, I'm so sick to the stomach. I had found my one, my love, my true love. Something people search lifetimes for and, I was defeated by logistics.(The former logistics officer) The lack of funds, and the lack of time. The lack of understanding parents. The lack of patience, by the one I loved. Yet it was her asking me to wait, and in the end…I still seem to wait.

I had forgotten that I stopped referring to her as my girlfriend at one point, then again I suppose I never did call her my girlfriend. My Lizzy was more the term. She didn't care for diamonds, even though by the end I had acquired one(several). She just didn't want to be married in a church. She even suggested a date…June 14th 2004. She then asked if my heart was racing. It's funny…we would have been married for 2 years by now. Is it a ghost I seek? I once thought so, but such thoughts have been partly dismissed in light of recent readings.

I'm wrenched with guilt, with love, my heart still aches, the ache, it never dulls, however it has increased in such magnitude, all I want to do is fly over to Essex, and see her. Yet…even though I have re lived so much with callus disregard for my sanity, she …

Before I knew her, while I knew her, friends and colleges as well as her family would refer to her as the ice princess. The cold calculating scientist (Ironic how she was bad (or at lest didn't like) at math, yet I was actually pretty good). Yet I knew such a warm , caring passionate Elizabeth, Lizzy. However now I suppose I am no longer on the warm inside, but the cold winter that is outside her inner circle.

Would she greet me as a old friend with a smile and a hug, would she mind my tears?
Or would she look at me with disgust and keep going. I don't think I could take it. I imagine the scene, as I see in my dreams occasionally, her beautiful face, and her disapproval written all over it. I imagine myself then just heading over and drowning myself in the local narco trade.

Plans are in the works, I have nothing to lose except the life I've essentially stopped living and have given up on so long ago. I need to find my ghost.

¶ 8/30/2006 03:18:00 PM //

I was married, I had a seemingly wonderful life and then..I think my wife died. I'm not sure who she was or how exactly it was that she died. She may have been killed, our children, a boy and a girl were kidnapped. We then found out it was Scorpius, it came to be in a revelation. So we went to get them back, and it was a modern Italian type place, loads of glass. However there were about 8 kids. All nearly identical. I then saw 2 smaller ones, and thought them to be mine. However they all had new documentation, I checked the documentation for the boy. He was named by us to be Nicky (may have been a nickname) and on the docs I saw my last name. I assumed the girl being of the same size was ours too. So we carried them home, to a place that looked much like the place we just were.

There was a party of sorts, and I was still dwelling on what just happened. I went downstairs to a room filled with guys and they were all drinking, and across the hall was another room, with a formal dining area. The ladies were sitting talking and my uncle told me to get loud so we wouldn't have to close the door. I asked why? He said so they wouldn't come here. I told him to just close the door...and he said "but that defeats the purpose" (he was quite plastered). I then explained that in a room, with perhaps 10 doors, why not close the last one?

I couldn't take it; I was worried about my children. So I got up, and exited out the door closing it behind me. It was a bathroom with another door leading to a hallway. For a bathroom it was really quite nice.

In the dining room people were talking I had a phone call..perhaps my mother. I was explaining how our cousin was goofy, not foofy (she was right there, being embarrassed)
There were people there that I did not recognize.

I got up, went up the stairs and saw my mother going down. I then yelled to her about the kids, where they were? Meanwhile glass shattered. I thought it was the glass stair way, however they were her glasses that she had been carrying. She told me they were asleep on a pedestal at the foot of her bed. I then ran down to look at the glasses and they were my grandfathers old drinking glasses, all but two broken. I was so upset. I asked her if she knew the significance of these glasses, and she said she knew, and said "but your father" and she rolled her eyes a bit. (My fathers doesn't drink.)

I then went up and asked her about the pedestal from the stairs, and she said it was just like hers. I saw it, and it was glass and illuminated, yet wasn't what I ordered. I ordered one with a illumination of different sorts and had a etched glass edging. I then thought ...screw her (I felt horrible of myself) and tried to return the stands online. I sat down and went through the things and noticed hers said no commission ( I felt a bit guilty), I proceeded to click away and noticed I would be refunded, either 350,000usd or 270,000usd (w/ discount, so my mother having saved me 80,000usd) and that I was still charged 6.50usd for shipping, even though it said free shipping and I didn't have the item. I thought I can't be bothered and went on my way.

As though part of this dream, but detached I went shopping, but for tv's? The sales lady went on and on about the amazing lcd, and a few customers were with me listening , uuing and ahh ing. I said that’s nice and all, but why not get the super thin projection at the end of the row. A fraction of the price and the same, if not better photo quality ( I think it was a sony bravia, but can’t be sure as I don’t think there is one in the bravia line.)

The room tilted and revolved around said tv. People uu'ed and ahhed once more.

I woke up...weird dream. Moreover, I wasn’t myself or proud of the actions I took in this dream. A change from the past where I did in my dreams what I would have ideally done in reality.

¶ 8/28/2006 12:02:00 PM //

An old dream I wrote down, but have only recently found (a few months old, prior to the last one about Elizabeth)

I dreamt a long seemingly endless dream....

It started out wonderfully, Elizabeth and myself, in love and together. I was happy and nothing more could I have asked for. I had my world again and she was it.

We were in a park...I bought us balloons. We tied them together and said "forever".

Years had passed...and I was no longer with her...

More years passed..and I had a child. Or at lest was taking care of one. He was not Elizabeth's. He was a handful, full of life and passion for his coloring books and blocks. He seemed to enjoy observing, and the silence. Wise beyond his years.

Years had passed again...and I was alone...I knew Elizabeth had gotten married, was happy with her family, and I ...in my heart broken state, on my death bed, was happy for her.

Then either I had died, or she had, or perhaps both of us... and I saw
the balloons again from the park...the knot we had tied so tightly came undone as the balloons floated away..not together, but not far apart either. The symbiotic relationship was no more and they were now separate identities. The words forever faded from my memories...and as I passed on, I woke up.

¶ 8/24/2006 11:24:00 AM //

I had a dream in which I was chasing Elizabeth through a series of corridors, and then in the dream it dawned on me I was dreaming, I stopped running. (Yet I did not fully control the dream, I could not pick and choose things of my own free will) All I wanted was to find her again, to catch up with her again.

Then I found myself laying down with Elizabeth, I laid down slightly on top of her, I held her face and she held mine, we just starred in to each others eyes for ages, then we kissed, it's all I had wanted to do for years, all I had wanted to do since I last kissed her goodbye.

I felt at home next to her...she was smiling, it was my nirvana. It's been a lifetime since I was that happy.

For years, since she left Elizabeth has never smiled in any of my dreams. She has never even touched me. Even dreams I could manipulate, she would still not smile.

¶ 8/19/2006 03:04:00 PM //

elizabeth,

ny

never been

door, parents?

breakfast...time?

ponga chair, dining room,

clothes,

no sex

white robe,

laundry

closure...but it never came...
hug...but it never happened...

close...like ex lovers, or a long married couple.


This dream is many months old..once again I regret not immediately writing the entire thing out. A few notes I guess...ummm only one actually. Elizabeth never visited me in NY and thus has never been to the house in NY.

I don't recall how and or why, but Elizabeth was at my front door in NY. She may have been there with her parents. It was raining hard and so I let her in.

She was later in the dining room reading a book. The only bit of furniture was a molded plywood chair with white cushions. She was wearing a white robe and I think sheer purple underwear (I wasn't trying to steal a look) It was very early...I offered to make her breakfast ..I was cooking (nothing had happened) I noticed that she came very close to me...almost to the point of touching. I wanted to yell,scream, to hug her, hold her, confess my love, the past, my hopes for the future, I wanted closure. I wanted to know what became of my best friend. It was as though we were either ex lovers , or a long time married couple who refused to leave one another out of spite.

We later were in the laundry room. I was showing her I think a stain on one of her garments. I was pre washing it. Once again she was so close, I could smell her and I was entranced . I did my best to not let her catch on..however I was once again was short of breath as I was whenever around her.

That was about it...Elizabeth came over, washed her clothes, I cooked for her, and ...
that was it. All I wanted to do was talk to her , or hug her. At the same time i didn't want to scare her away. She was in a position that she couldn't run (in a robe? ) Yet I didn't want to take advantage of the situation. I only wanted to talk to her if she would willingly hear me out.

The reality is she wants nothing to do with me... otherwise she would have reached out by now as I have tried so many times in the past, only to have been put through so much.

¶ 8/17/2006 11:51:00 PM //

I made the grave mistake of recalling our first night out. How we broke every rule I only learned about later. How I simply could not help but getting lost in all the fascination facets of her being. How I simply needed to hear her voice...I didn’t care what she said, it was all amazing. Nothing she said would bore me. Everything about her amazed me…her intelligence, her strength, her character, even her frown, and especially her laugh.

I could not help but kiss her a hundred times that night...and she…she kissed me back.
I didn’t give her a proper kiss…just quick kisses to her cheek; to her hands…I didn’t want to be rude. I may have thought myself a bit forward at the club, and even a bit ashamed (I can’t recall, but I was happy) , however it all would have been absolved when sitting in the front seat of the car, she threw her arms around me from the back seat and proceeded to kiss me in rapid succession. I held her hands and thought to myself it was nuts how much I loved this person. If such a thing as love at first sight exists…then it existed with her on that day. It was saw raw, so sweet, so innocent, so perfect…and yet it only grew in its intensity.

So I became ignorant in my thoughts for other on the matters of love. I took it for granted to some extent how I ...at the age of 18 had found the perfect being. I had found at 18 what mankind as a race has not found in thousands of years of existence. I had found amazing, mind obliterating passion, compassion, and love, all within the confines of the single most beautiful creature I could have never imagined...inside or out.

I’ve commented over and over on marriages of convinces. I was bewildered at those who simply “settled” instead of seeking out their true love. I was a blithering fool lost in love. I did not know that most of this world…is not based on love, or passion, or such follies. It’s on statistics, on what “looks good” on aesthetics. People settle not because they want to, but because no one wants to be alone. They force them selves to love.

Dam that wonderful girl and all her perfection. Elizabeth ruined me (as I mentioned to her while we were together…I would say that she has paled my world in sharp contrast to herself) I recall the model I was with a few weeks ago and how hard I tried to force myself to love her,…if even for a instance. How I looked in her eyes so desperately seeking to be lost and only finding myself grounded firmly in reality. How having sex was a chore, where as making love to Elizabeth was a life altering event. I would close my eyes and touch her…and only be reminded of how much softer Elizabeth’s skin was. How much sweeter her voice was, how her screams were that much more exciting, how the way she moved was infinitely sexier, and the million other reasons why the person I was with, was not Elizabeth, nor could they ever hope to be such.

So all this mess ultimately leaves me with limited options. Moving on was dealt a swift blow upon said memories (of the 1st meeting, kiss etc) I feel that I may never love again, even if I forced myself. As hard as I try to betray, I feel as though my heart will give out before following through. That I may be forced to settle, that I may find myself in a loveless marriage, not unlike those I rallied against in the prime of my happiness.

The situation here changed a few weeks ago around the time the letter was sent…reasons I won’t go in to even in anonymity, but my brother may not be getting married, thus not giving my parents heirs, thus destroying our faction. He has no respect for the history of the family...happy enough with his DNA. He worries me…and thus I try to move on, not only for myself at this point, but my family. I figure the nuclear option is in 2 years…if I have nothing…I’ll let them have their way with me.

In other news…last week a 30 ft branch crashed through the rear windshield of my first love (The Mitsubishi) and as I was cutting it down, a chunk barreled trough the front windshield. Shortly there after the car was sold. (It broke my heart but at that point I couldn’t even look at her…it really broke my heart to see her being driven away by some kid…who I feel confident will bring her back up to speed where she belongs.)

Shortly there after in a storm that was more severe than any other storm I’ve seen (rain going horizontal and slightly upwards) massive winds…I watched out the back window as I thought the neighbors tree was going to go and then…in a instant I had 4 trees crash down on me. Two on the driveway and power lines, two on the house. Luckily I had decided to park in the street for once (my 1st time in well over 6 months)

Con Ed freed a few branches from the cable lines in a cherry picker. I then cleaned up the debris from Two trees…only to find out sanitation won’t remove the debris. My neighbor than came over and asked me what day I was free…and upon telling him tomorrow he said something along the lines of “Great! I’ll see you in the morning at 9 and we’ll get to work”. Really great guy…who I the next day preceded to whack him with a chain saw. 3 hours later, after a quick trip to the emergency room I was on the roof along and got about 90% of the work done (amazing, considering how big a mess it was)

I then came down and…a massive amount of branches that need to be chopped and sorted…and me with out a proper chainsaw now. Anyone seeking a mentally unstable Paul Bunyon facsimile?

Le sigh….I can’t win.

¶ 8/06/2006 02:46:00 AM //