This may have been in the backyard at my parents house in CT, though the grading seemed strangely flat and everything a bit too well kept for being so deep in the forest.

A quick side note...(semi relevant to the dream) My parents side yard as a small grouping of 20 or so beach trees. They are bundled together and planed just a bit below grade, perhaps a foot and a half or so. The illusion (at least when I was younger) was that it was like a sunken living room. Between the canopy the trees provided, and their low situated branches, the perfectly flat clearing ...it was as though it was a outdoor living room. It's a part of the yard that few people to date even venture to, and it may not even exist anymore.

I was with 3 other people...They pulled me in to the back yard, across the acres or so of green in to the forest. This person wanted to show me something. I got the impression he was Elizabeth's new boyfriend. In my dreams...I can't really look her in the eyes..So I generally look down and only per chance steal glimpses of radiant beauty when looking upon her face. She never smiles...and thus such glances are a bit detrimental.

The forest was..not as steep in grading..very reminisce of the beach tree living room (mentioned above). We walked for about another acre to the middle of the forest to the only object protruding up from the floor of the woodland area, carpeted by orange foliage.

I stood at the bottom portion, a unknown person crouched above me (so being a bit higher than myself in elevation) Elizabeth I assume was off to the far right, and her boyfriend reached in to a crevice of the rock, in to the foliage to reveal a shiny silver revolver (357?)

The third person at this point shifted off to my left (parallel to the rock formation) and Elizabeth's boyfriend took a series of shots to his chest. I knew he was gone, and I felt bad for waiting to do something instantly... So I counted the shots till I heard the 6th round go off (less then a few seconds later, yet it seemed an eternity). Then I rushed him and tried to get the gun away. Elizabeth then came in from above with a swiss army knife and proceeded to start stabbing me.

She didn't come form behind, rather from above and down to my chest. (my heart?)

I recall seeing my shirt start to drip from the blood saturating it, and the sensation of the knife sometimes just bouncing off bone and not making it all the way in. Sometimes the knife getting caught on the bone and her using a slight sawing action, in conjunction with kicking me in removing it.

I can't recall what happened next, or how i ended up where we were...but we were along the road behind my parents house. (Another acre or so from the main house) I was tied from above to a utility pole and being tortured. I recall a blowtorch, long strips of aluminum, a tazr, exacto knife, chain cutters, an angle grinder, and a crank generator. This lasted..hours

Just as what i thought was a old time police car pulled up (big single dome siren combo up on top) I was being worked over with a tazer. (no talk...just torture) I wanted to yell for the cop to run, he had a gun. However I couldn't. They had surgically remove portion of my throat as to disable me from screaming to the point that someone so far away could hear me. At the same time i noted pipes protruding form my body in certain areas. They had placed holes in my body and then reinforced them with pipes for support so as to leave the holes open. As though I was some sort of science experiment (Well Elizabeth was a scientist)

The police car was actually a fire department car, and it was too late, before I knew it Elizabeth's boyfriend was shooting at the official. Soon he was on the ground and covered in blood.

The torture commenced once again till I woke up, several hours later.

¶ 6/28/2006 04:10:00 AM //

Huah!..or should I say Wuddle wuddle!...





We did it people...success on all fronts. From the swank hotels of New York, to the Highlands in Europe and the tundras of Antarctica where we started 7 years ago. We overcame obstacles, the coke-a-cola polar bear rebellion, the months of June, July and August and the continent of Africa. We showed our contempt for mother nature, God and his self proclaimed emissary in the White House.

Some of us thought this day would never come, we had a few harry moments there. I my self at times, in the trenches of Tripoli, the igloos of the North Pole..under heavy fire from Santa in his fleet of red sleds...I didn't think we'd make it...but we have...and we are victorious!

Granted, our success was all encompassing, our enemies decimated to the point of humiliation, wrongs righted, and vengeance gained with interest...some would say that this is a moment for joy, for pride, and boasting, to be thankful for the end of violence, and the beginning of prosperity and hope. Hope for better times filled with peace. A time to lay down arms and plant the seeds of a new era ... I say nay...we should take this moment, commemorate it in silence, and dedicate to our fallen brethren, and lost comrades enslaved by our enemies at the North Pole.

:::::::::silence::::::

An army without a cause, inception and purpose dedicated solely to the happiness of one person alone....world domination for the sake of a person who no longer wishes it to be so. As a headless army, we have no choice ,no option but to do our duty and continue fighting. So men..fellow seals, penguins, polar bears...tonight we feast.
Tommarrow, we take stock, we make ready our invasion and then...

We march for Mars...the world is not enough.

¶ 6/25/2006 12:07:00 AM //

I had always thought I wanted domestication. Such thoughts occurred and began to ferment while I was in the gold age of my happiness with Elizabeth, however I'm not sure anymore. Granted in the past I've noted how my world has been shaken, my reality changed, and everything that was once true is not so anymore. Up is no longer towards the heavens , my purpose to no longer be fulfilled.

I never gave it the same amount of gravity as I have just recently, however domestication..I don't think I want it anymore. I don't know what I want anymore.

While I was with Elizabeth, everything was so chaotic, and we lead such different and complicated lives. The only thing that was simple was my love for her, I used to say simple people with complicated lives. I wanted a home life for us that would incorporate such simplicity. A sense of sanity at the end of a hectic day. Not boring...but rather, uncomplicated.

The other day, I was vocalizing such dreams for domestication to someone out loud and...it was as though I was a whitehouse press secretary. Bullshitting, lying, and trying to stay on point. I said things and somewhere between my heart sinking at the thoughts of things that would never come in to fruition, and my brain nodding it's head no...I realized I no longer want domestication. It happen as I was searching for the words..spitting them out as they came.
I stumbled, and it hit me.

I no longer want children, no houses in the country, no matching cars. Although I would still like to get a dog. (I went to a friends place and she got a new dog, he apparently likes guys and escorted me throughout her apartment. Although I could not name it Uclipilus...but perhaps Disco. A dog named Disco...)

So essentially...I lied to this person, not intentionally...sort of being caught totally off guard. I had seemingly said such things for a eternity to myself...and they were true ,I held such dreams near and dear. I never told a soul outside of the one I wanted to embark on such adventures with. Perhaps when I finally told someone about them, told the world...I let go. Perhaps I came to the conclusion that such lofty, wonderful things, are not meant for myself. I gave them from myself, when I knew they were not meant for myself.

I also found it odd I told this person such things..I did not mention anything else of myself with even an iota of value. I did not mention Elizabeth's name, or what I did, or how I made a living. They do not know where I was, where I go, or where I've been, and yet... I gave up priceless information. Information which I keep locked away deep beneath the layers of scar tissue. However I think I may have mentioned a partial list of the countries I've since been exiled from.

It may have been that, some part of me thinks I will never see this person again, so that it's a secret no one will else will ever hear. Hiding my some of my deepest secrets, sincerest wishes, and heartbreaking regrets in plan site.

¶ 6/18/2006 03:38:00 PM //

7 years ago today...If I'm not mistaken ( I could be). I find it odd that I chose to do what I did, when I did. They say you get a great romance every 7 years. However I would beg to differ. Those that say such things do not have the privilege of knowing Elizabeth. They cannot say such things without knowing what wonderful things she subjected me to while I was with her.

I sometimes forget, in light of what a beautiful person Elizabeth was on the inside, what a flawless person she was on the outside. I still vividly recall the first time I saw her.

I saw her from about a 100 feet away, and as she walked her hair went back and forth..sort of like they do on shampoo advertisements. ..and everything literally slowed down. I didn't exactly catch what she wore, all I could see was the entire ambiance of it all. As cheesy as it sounds...Time literally slowed down as I saw her. Then I went on my way figuring she was probably some jet set model, and she wasn't why I was there.

I did not realize the things I should have..but I loved that day. Well, with the exception of meeting her parents and the thing with the cops and losing her losing a friend who had a bit too much to drink,..he was later found in a bush in front of a church. Although I'll admit that at the time I was really amazed at how quickly they picked up the phone to call their parents. I suppose different cultures. Here I would have tried to establish a disinformation campaign to the parents via a cohesive story , rehearsed , and shared by all. A few anomalies here and there to throw things off etc etc.

She even later commented how when we first saw each other she was in her full femme fatal effect, (not exactly her words) and that I didn't notice her micro miniskirt, or..well many other things all I could do was look in to her eyes and do my best not to get lost. In turn she nicknamed me "wonder boy". I, many months if not years later dubbed her the perfect bond girl. Simply brilliant on so many levels (plus her being a scientist of sorts and all) , and a myriad of talents, so gifted was the Elizabeth I knew.

Granted, I don't believe in love at first site..but Elizabeth was so close. It was just a instant click/chemistry/what have you. She put me at ease, and I had no remorse about the kisses I stole, and cherished the ones she stole in return. Sometimes I would be so overwhelmed by her beauty that I would literally forget to breath, I would be so overwhelmed, and so consumed, so lost in my aw, that I would have to look away and catch my breath. She didn't seem to mind and almost always let me regain my breath...almost.

Even Mario, (who later betrayed me in countless fashions) commented on how we looked like we were a couple forever, as though we could have been a married couple.

Sometimes, I am bliss in my ignorance and forgetfulness. Sometimes I forget for moments that she no longer has any feelings for me, that my life is as it was,...wonderful.

I sometimes forget that Elizabeth no longer cares for me the way I sometimes wish I wouldn't care for her. I forget about the devastation she unintentionally wreaked on my life, the passionless void that now exists, and consumes. I forget about many things for a instance and only recall only warm, caring, loving memories.

The other day I started to fancy a small coupe...maybe even another convertible as I had when I was with Elizabeth(except black, or a muted color rather than red) Something small, sporty ,fast and most importantly, a stick shift.. Very midlife crisis. I pulled up along side a Mercedes AMG dealership and seriously contemplated going in to check out the new AMG SLK 55. Perhaps even a CLK DTM (vroom)...maybe...

I then thought against it as it doesn't make sense for one person to have so many cars. I then thought I'll get a SLK when I get married,for the wife. Mind you these were blind random thoughts, raw sparks. I then asked myself if a stick shift even would be possible? I was then reminded by myself that it's another reason why I love my Lizzy...she drives stick like a thief (a thief who is a goddess masquerading as a angel).

All at once my life came crashing back down and I recalled the last few years in an instant.

I then pulled away from the dealership...my heart was as the day before...broken.

¶ 6/11/2006 11:35:00 PM //

I thought...all I had to do was stop thinking, zone out, stop writing, and I'll forget. This, I thought was the right move in light of me losing everything on my old laptop. Yet the dreams only pounded harder, the omens which tease me , more vivid and clear. I can't escape her...try as I may I continued to be haunted by the past. I started writing the dreams down, the ones out side the dream which visits me Monday through Friday. I may post those soon.

I tried dating, tried so hard to break my promises...and I couldn't. Then one day..I met someone and I was instantly attracted and I had no idea why. I later found out why...she looks exactly like Elizabeth except with (very) short hair. She even had Elizabeth's wrists. It would have been a cruel game to play had I continued (for both parties). She is not Elizabeth, I do not love her or even think I would have been interested in her if not for the fact she resembled a certain goddess who masquerades as a angel.

I tried to trick myself in to thinking that I no longer loved Elizabeth, that at this point I loved being in love, that I loved being in love with Elizabeth...and after much soul searching..this is all false. I am still deeply in love with the ice princess. ( I hope she is still a princess...she may have married by now...who knows?)

Why do I write today?

I did something today that I thought I would be ashamed of...

I stayed up for hours and hours..writing away...paper and pen, not nanos and bits...the same fashion in which she wrote me letters..the archived ones at lest. I poured my heart in to a crying plea for her to explain to me why...that I loved her, and I know loving her to the utmost of my abilities means not being with her. That her happiness shall always trump my needs, and in said fashion her needs are for her to be far far away from me for reasons not entirely clear to myself..but my imagination has run wild on the possibilities of why. (millions listed in these pages)

I had stayed up for about 40 hours at that point...and then went out and did what I did (to be covered in a later post) and ...it's now 58-ish some odd hours later and I have yet to fall asleep. It's not even anxiety which is plaguing me, I was overwhelmed by the sensation of some closure. That I had made a vital step in riding myself of the torment involved in loving a person who no longer cares for you. It was as though a weight had been lifted. Although now ..I'm not sure if it has returned or the lack of sleep is catching up.

There is no real excitement...If i control myself. It's more so a cooling calm.

Part of me..the logic driven side..is deeply ashamed and embarrassed for multiple parties. Meanwhile the spiritual and emotional side are overcome with a sense of relief.

It wasn't even a very good day for me,...just a day with the exception of a massive move on my part.


I'll try to cover things later..however till then I'll be trying to catching up and posting old content I have laying around. No more than 20 pages or so.

¶ 6/10/2006 02:13:00 AM //