I go around and I feel totally, utterly gutted.

As though someone reached inside, took everything that mattered and took off like a thief in the middle of the night. Everyday, is the day after, everyday is a mess, everyday the same as the next. I'm bewildered and amazed when I look down and see one foot drag itself in front of the other, I wonder from where they find the energy to do so...to carry me ahead to a future I no longer care about.

The days are no longer slow or long, but they simply exist, and fade, come, and go, melt one in to the other, and such is my existence, and such it carries on. There is no more passion, no more hope, there are no more flickers of life which echo through these hollow chambers. There simply is what is, nothing more, and perhaps quite a bit less. Sort of like a house can not simple be considered a home with out a examination of it's contents, a person can not be considered as such with out the same sort of examination, the sort that I would fail and have to be considered a what as opposed to a who.

Years ago I could picture every holiday. Even though I'm not Christian, I envisioned Christmas with Elizabeth, for Elizabeth rather than myself. An excuse to spoil her as I never really got a chance to. An excuse for the goddess in disguise as an angel to steal the angel and then hide said angel. I imagined holidays away, sweater vests and hot chocolate. I wanted to teach her how to ski. I always thought she would be quite the snow bunny. Then again, we no longer get snow in the north east of Bushs' America, the corporations have taken their toll and as a result our environment has become bankrupt. In Bushs 'America enemy #1 is the impoverished, so declaring chapter nine is not what it once was, it's seen as a cheat, as a way out, rather than a way to redemption and a stride toward normality for those fallen on hard times...so what is a bankrupt environment really suppose to do?

I imagined New Years Eve celebrated by candle light, I imagined almost every night together celebrated by candle light after so many years fighting to stay together. How her eyes made the flames dance. She always looked radiant, but by candle light, my heart would skip two beats. I would need heart medication if we had continued. I don't imagine I could have ever grow accustom to such amazing eyes, such delicate hands, such a wonderful person.

I feel, rather, I think it's better to be void as I am, other wise I wouldn't be able to function as I did before her, I did not function for years after her, Months went by and I did only the bare minimum to survive. I locked myself away from the world and only now do I choose to emerge, not a better person or a different person, but simply a thing meant to blend in to the background. I've never been good at blending, yet I try, I try to melt my self away in to the abyss, the nothingness. I try and keep a low profile and try to show no flash.

I no longer have do I have any aspiration other than to be bling free, no hopes, and no dreams other than those which haunt me in my sleep. I only have material possessions to which I am for the most part indifferent upon. I would trade them all for the necklace that Elizabeth gave me on my birthday, the one I so foolishly gave back for I did not deem myself worthy of her heart. The one I would kiss a hundred times a day, the act which now seems so foolish, childish, and the act of a man madly in love. The heart she would later in fact deem myself not worthy of, only after I cemented my resolve in staying with her forever, that after everything that was said, this was it, the one, forever, love. It was...but at the heart of it all, I was the dreamer, Elizabeth the scientist, she acted as she is, logical and decisive, and I did all that I could in order to get over her, I stopped dreaming, and thus stopped being who I once was.

¶ 12/31/2006 11:11:00 PM

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