I sometimes find it deeply tragic that two people whom love each other can not be together for the sake of distance, financial woes, social status, religion race or creed.

Henceforth when I thought of Elizabeth and myself ,I used to think that we were so blessed that we could overcome so many of these things simply because the fact we loved each other. I will admit I occasionally found it a bit tragic the distances that we had to endure, however it was so worth it, for the massive lengths of time we would be apart it used to all melt away the instant we were back together. It was as though we had never left each others side and we had been together since the dawn of time, and would remain together till the end. Uncontrollable laughter and smiles accompanied by spontaneous kisses.

Very random, very happy, very much in love…or so I would have thought.

Now I think back upon the events of my short lived nirvana and as much as I hate to feel sorry for myself…I still find it tragic. I find it tragic the fact that her love, be there any at all was so shallow as so she could allow her self to break things off and discontinue any and all contact...and then move on so quickly, so swiftly without looking back for a moment.

Then again…it takes a strong person to do this. A very strong person…someone of only Elizabeth’s character/caliber could be so cold, so menacing, so compartmentalized in her feelings. She could be the most wonderful person one moment to one person, and be cold and menacing in the next instance to someone else.


All these things trouble me…and on some level leave me deeply thankful for all these things and more. Without her being her colder self to me, I would not have been able to see the things I now see.

I now know that I would be a horrible husband, and even worse father.
I realize now that there are some things which I was never meant to do, something I simply can not do...and domestication on these levels is one of them.

As hard as I wish as hard as I hope…I can never be these things no matter how hard I try. I once thought I could, I once thought that one day I would be domesticated…and she shared in such fantasies…or maybe she just played along, I just can’t say. However without her leaving so abruptly, without her forcing to make a good look at myself I would have never realized what a horrible person I am and how unfit I am to integrate myself in to the world and consequently what a tragedy it would be if I did in fact carry on as I was and have children. What a horrible father I would be.

Be it I had only the best intentions…everything I do simply falls apart , everything I try to accomplish in my own life only ends up failing. I couldn’t handle the responsibility it take to raise a child in the proper fashion one should be raised. I know now that love is not enough, it’s not enough to simply want to be with the person you love. This will only drive them away.

Sometimes I think it was a fluke...it was her…this is what I want to believe, yet this I know to simply not be true. How could it be? She was/is after all perfect in every fathomable fashion, sense and concept of the word. She constantly redefined words I once thought I comprehended the meanings of.

However they kept and continue to change, thus changes with it the world which I never seem to get a proper footing on.

How stable could I possibly be if I never have a good grip on things? My instability only serves to further my point as to what sort of parent I would be. There are so many persecutes that one needs to set up a family, and all too often these basic standards , which should be imposed by ourselves go unmet. Thus ultimately leading to broken homes, and broken hearts. Thus, the same standards get passed on to these children. Some can over come, though many do not. Many assume this is the norm and we become closer to the divorced society assimilation.

I can not be party to this. I can not allow my instability to become replicated. I must sacrifice the perceived good of the family, heir for my parents; I must forgo them to cease the bad blood. To stop it from spreading.

For all these reasons and a million more She has my deepest and most profound gratitude. She has made me seen things in myself that I would over the course of a normal life never seen. I would have gone on and commit the unspeakable crimes against humanity I outlines above. I would have only made her suffer. I would only provide a disservice to her, regardless of how genuinely good willed intentions might be.

¶ 7/25/2005 08:23:00 PM //

I don’t even know where to begin. Extended stays away from the laptop tend to have me searching for words. I feel illiterate.

This round I suppose goes to the topic of health…

It’s much worse. I have situations, and a past that has me constantly aware of my surroundings, perhaps it’s just phobias. However, what’s not, is the fact I will be at any given place, at any given time and my face will now just fall apart. I’ll just start gushing blood. My ears will go deaf, my mouth will slowly start to fill up...I’ll come out of my nose and within minutes I’ll be covered. From my ears, mouth and nose…

It’s not even the cancer…I’m guessing it left over from some sort of internal injury I ruptured. I mean…of all the times I’ve been shot/tabbed/dragged from cars etc...I didn’t / couldn’t always go see a doctor. Sometimes I’m forced to fix myself. I haven’t seen a doctor for a while. I don’t really intend to. I’m not medically trained, It’s mostly fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to patching myself up.

I can sort of feel it coming on. My ears...they fill with blood and as they do I’ll go deaf. It’s my queue to run off to a bathroom. It’s the only way I survived my time in CT.

Thank god FSB denied me my visa…or I’d be having these problems in Russia.

I also started back up on the morphine. I just need it for when my shoulder acts up however now it’s really pretty bad. I think I may have had my shoulder slip out of and thus it’s tearing against the skin. I also now get these pounding headaches.

The trifecta sometimes hits me and I just give up and go limp.

I constantly ask why (in reference to going on/fighting) and I am left without an answer.
The answers to all questions once upon a time lead me down the road to Elizabeth.
I have found myself in a place I feared I would be once we met and I instantly became infatuated (and later in love). I usurped all reasoning for Elizabeth and now find myself with neither.

Well…after that everything else pales now doesn’t it?

Death is really taking his/her sweet ass time.

Just hurry the fuck up…Your late and I’m in a rush…

¶ 7/21/2005 05:45:00 AM //

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear meeee eeee
Happy birthday to me.

Hmm this song doesn’t look as good typed than it does sung.

I recalled when Elizabeth turned 20…she was disappointed. I asked her why and it was simply adorable. She was disappointed that her age now started with a two instead of a one. (This coming from the amazingly brilliant scientific mind of ERS)

I laughed and reassured her it would be ok.

Then I turned 20...and was struck with the same sensation.


It’s as though a year has gone by...and I didn’t notice it. I don’t like being 24. I prefer 23…but it’s all the same really…20 something going on 50.

It’s as though I remained stagnate while the world outside continued to shift, change , morph and move on. I on the other hand have only dug myself deeper in to depression, and my health has only worsened drastically.



Here’s to one year down...and one year closer to why.

¶ 7/11/2005 12:25:00 PM //

Domestic 1st…heartbreak for another post.
Actually...everything else for another post.

Mothers day is finally over…phew.

Only took 3 months.

Well no…I escaped CT a few weeks ago. The oven arrived late. For the 1-2 weeks before it arrived Mother made me regret buying it. Actually she made us regret everything. She kept asking "Why?"

Eventually the oven did arrive and we (my Father, brother and myself) were all amazed by how incredibly nice it was. I mean...keep in mind we just got rid of a Viking 60in range for a 30” whirlpool. We were really impressed. It did everything my Father wanted and so much more.

So a over the next few days Mother kept asking about what we could return… she really makes us feel loved…can’t you tell?

She speced everything out and guessed it was about 40,000usd for everything. In actuality it was closer to 400,000usd for everything. We told her everything cost 1usd. (that’s the generic response…either that or 1,000,000usd…but in this case it could have actually gone up that high had she been gone longer)

I had spent such a long time in CT that Fathers day decided to pop in as well. I was a bit panicky as I didn’t exactly know what to do. I mean for Mothers day we transformed the landscaping, a good chunk of the house, every thing from new desk to new computers , new kitchen, new stairs, shit even new driveway.

Now Fathers day…

My Father is a simpler man.

I had for weeks tried to size him up…but what to get a man who has everything? Moreover if there is something he doesn’t happen to have …he will either buy it. If it doesn’t exist…he will fabricate it from scratch.

My brother at 1st said he was going to do nothing…but 2-3 days prior said ice cream cake. I said it was a great idea since the new oven has a blast freezer. He was thinking the same thing. Therefore, we (he) made him a grand oreo ice cream cake. This cake was itself turned out hideous. It was too much of a good thing. Between the frosting, the cookie crumbs, the ice cream, the cake itself…it was just far too sweet. (I secretly thought Elizabeth would have been proud and dismayed all at the same time.…she made such amazing cakes.)

However our father was presently surprised. I actually got all the credit. I kept trying to tell them it was my brother however they kept giving me the credit.

What follows is a bit weird…

Have you seen the Simpson’s when homer goes to work for the evil genius who is trying to take over the world? Homer tackles a James bond sort…and the evil dude goes "Great job Homer! When you go home there is going to be a extra floor on your house!"

So…I go to the place upstate to check up on things...to actually get away from it all. A vacation from my vacation sort of speak.

A few months ago when we bought the place...I did it more so for my Father. He wanted me to have a proper home with proper gates and all. We have even since used the helipad a few times.

The boat house I always thought was just right. It had 2 sitting areas, a large office as well as a study, 2 bathrooms. Very nice (or so I thought) I even contemplated using it as a full time office. The foyer is even large enough to be converted to a lobby. When I pulled up there was a crew adding a 2nd floor to the boat house. The 2nd floor was to assist in turning the boat house in to a proper guest house while not removing any of the amenities afforded by a boat house.

Yes….my Father gave me a 2nd floor…mind you the place in NYC has a leaky ceiling.

Sometimes I think it’s more so his house than my house. Sometimes I think it’s more so a tax shelter than a vacation home(it’s easily 20x’s the place in the city). This place just soaks me dry every time I get the bills. Between upkeep, taxes, utilities, it’s horrible. I’m spending over 1,000usd a month just for water! And it’s situated lake front!

The place just seems to hemorrhaging funds like the defense department. Upkeep costs are just amazing. I knew I’d face substantial costs…gardeners, utilities, etc but…wow!

I think this may have been done on purpose though…
A house I can’t afford to keep to entice me to enter the work force.

My Father …well…I mentioned how I told My parents about the cancer…but they now pretend as though I never said it. It’s the proper thing to do and all…the showing of a healthy unified front against the other factions.

I’m thinking …when I’m on my death bed I’ll just dig a trench in the middle of nowhere…Hire someone to discard the body…something anything. Avoid a service. Avoid the disgrace I would bring upon the name.


Baaa…this is depressing…

Blogging brings me down because it forces me to look at everything, and evaluate everything…and the reality is just that. Very depressing.

¶ 7/09/2005 07:10:00 PM //