The Wonderful thing about Tiggers.......
Is Tiggers are wonderful things.....
Their tops are made out of rubber......
The bottoms are made out of springs....

They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy....
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.........
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is......
I'm the only one.

The wonderful thing about Tiggers.....
Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps.....
They're loaded with vim and vigor....
They love to leap in your laps.
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy...
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.......

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is....
I'm the only one...
Tiggers are cuddly fellows....
Tiggers are awfully sweet.......
Everyone else is jealous....

That's why I repeat.....
The wonderful thing about Tiggers.....
Is Tiggers are wonderful things....
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!!!!!


I love that movie...
I have that movie on dvd...
I want to watch it every time it rains...
I'll spare you from the rain song.

Oh childhood..how i miss you.

¶ 5/26/2005 01:58:00 AM //

I still have the armored Audi…(that seems to get 5 miles to the gallon)

Mothers day is in phase …pfft I lost count. Getting up at 6 am working all day till about 3am…it’s really taking a toll. I went a solid 4-5 days without even showering.

There was just so much work to do on the project in the 1st place. Then My father and my brother kept adding to it (I’m guilty as well). Before we had knew it...the (not so) simple kitchen revamp turned the house in to a full blow construction site. Semi trucks and forklifts dropping off deliveries accompanied by a army of brown uniformed men. Deliveries every day for last 2+ weeks

It went from kitchen to living room, to dining room, to a landscape revamp, a new office w/ new imacs and just kept going…

Now you hear you need a few stones for the landscaping…
No big deal…
You then hear the price of 15usd per stone…
No Big Deal…
You then get a delivery of 16 tones of dirt(fucking dirt!), 10 tons of pebbles and 40 tons of stones. You then start to wonder.

I spent 60,000usd on fucking dirt and rocks!

Not to mention the tracks left by all the machinery that’s moving about the place.

The project kept expanding and the bills kept piling.
(which is fine for these other guys with no concept of money…but shit…I’m a civilian. I have a finite amount of resources)

Originally it was just a kitchen in under 30 days (mission impossible) but this shit is just incredible. To top it off we are doing the work ourselves as the contractors told us they would be late. (fuck!)

The hood for the range I ordered…wrong color.
Too late to return it.

The oven…on the day of delivery we were told it hadn’t arrived. The next day we were told it arrive damaged. The next day we were told it would arrive a day before the deadline. The following day we were told it would arrive about 10 days after the deadline.

The one thing that launched the project would not be here on time (broken handle on very intimidating Viking range) Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
And it’s totally unavailable anywhere in a 500 mile radius.

Now there is talks of engineering a slick system to hide the plasmas in the kitchen…like you press a button on the wall and the hydraulics will lower 2 screens.

How far have we wondered off the beaten path?
At what point do we concede that we can’t get it done?

Yet…we are almost there. The landscaping is just about done with the exception of the front yard (with almost 2 weeks to go) the inside wiring is all done (I only got electrocuted 10 or so time) the new fixtures all installed. I chiseled out the details in the hardwood for the mantle. The new imacs/ kitchen network is up and going…gigabit all throughout.

The bigscreen for the theater is a deal that being worked on…it will get there about a day before the deadline.

The initial goal of the project was to downsize ..yet after all the wiring, welding, hammering, demolition, woodwork, heavy labor…it does seem more inviting…till you get to the control panel. It could have been a reality tv show…

"When aristocrats with way too many degrees in engineering try to do it themselves"

The control panel makes me do a double take. Thank god we have remotes for everything.

This is all so chaotic…(the post) I’ve retreated to NY to close the theater deal and…sleep! (I like sleep)

I’m also going to swing by the warehouse and pick up a Rover. I know someone’s security detail must have one left over. I can’t drive this Audi anymore. I have to fill it up just about every other day at over 50 usd a tank.
The rover has to be better. I’ll then pick up the Audi when I pick her up from the airport.

Physically, All the manual labor I’m drained

Mentally…all the theory work, the fly by the seat of your pants blueprints…I’m drains

Emotionally…there has been no time…just work work work.(so this is how one becomes a sheep)

I must admit though…for spending about 150,000usd (and counting) on a house I will only visit 2-4 times a year, whose inhabitants will only use 10-25% on a daily basis about 9 months a year…

…I’m impressed with the results all around. The landscaping (which was amazing before) is simply stunning. The accents work so well...that in conjunction with the new security sensors which do a much better job of lighting up the place…it’s all just really amazing.

I mean before it was super slick stainless steel kitchen...but now everything is so intuitive and so well thought out. I almost want to live here…almost.

They have a saying in Mexico that can be applied to this house…Along the lines of.

"Mexico is a beautiful country, with pristine countryside, beautiful lush mountainsides, centuries of rich culture and heritage…..now if it only wasn’t for all the dam Mexicans."

The same can be applied to the main house in CT

¶ 5/24/2005 09:43:00 PM //

I wait so long to do these now (weeks if not months)…The list just piles up and it’s all pretty trite and dribble…most of it is forgotten and lost in the sands of time. However this is for me. (me me me me me me me) When your names up top you can call the shots. (hmmm now that I take a look, my name’s not up there either)

Carrying on….

The Breitling:
It seems my watches are biting the bullet one by one. The clasp totally gave out on this one and so I took it to my usual place. The guy is always grumpy and never in a good mood. However he is close. I had to go back to him 3-4 times before the clasp would finally stay in place. He blamed me (as is his nature). Mind you of course I almost never wear the thing.



On the same note the GMT was sent out…. About 600usd later I still have yet to hear back from Rolex.

Thinpad# 2:
I lost another hard drive…just as Thinkpad #1 came out of recovery…I’m guessing I will need at least 2 laptops for as long I live. Originally I was just going to give up on it however P needed it and…of course I can’t say no to a saint.

Favors:
I do a million+ favors for everyone and I get the whisper in my ear that I should not. However I do such things thinking that when I should ever be in need, I will call in my favors. When I was a child my family would always warn me against doing favors for outsiders. It seems the lower down I go on the human race the more reliable the person is. To some extent. IE: Russian mobster will always keep his word. A snitch may not. A alcoholic never. A gambler…when he can. A cop, yes. A Doctor…will try to get out of it but yes. Lawyers…Never.

I have quite a few friends that are lawyers/in law school. The more the progress through law school the more they talk/act like rats.

M…M owes me so many favors it’s not even funny. I mean literally hundreds of favors. So I ask him for one in return and where do I find myself? Ahhh yes….high and dry. The moral of the story here kids is…DO NOT DO FAVORS FOR LAWYERS.

It was just the lamest excuse…in a nutshell "I’m busy for the next 3 weeks so I can’t spare an hour"

The entire episode has left a strong distaste in my mouth. I sent off a piece of my mind in an email.


Pots pans:
I am the pot and pan king?
There were many pictures that were to come with this but…alas the pills are sooooo good. I’m not getting up to take photos.

It’s been at least a month (or 3) however I seemed to have develop a All-Clad fetish. I bought all new pots and pans which will never get used. I even got a "Pasta Pentola"…and it’s been months if not years since I have made pasta. It didn’t stop there…I got new utensils as well…I actually ended up spending a few thousand USD. On shit I’ll never use. I may get a few more items…however I think I’ve had it. Just about 2 weeks ago I threw out a majority of the old kitchenware.





Teapot:
This was something else I picked up. Now my parents…they only drink high tea. Therefore, this would never fly. However amongst my kitchen buying frenzy, I indulged in my Richard Sapper fetish.

Oh my…I never covered Richard Sapper now did I…
Hmmm ok (serves my right for taking so long in my domestic updates.) His main claim to fame is designing IBMS "business card" (the ThinkPad). He has also done a few other things for Alessi. I just discovered Alessi, and thus a small spree. I bought a Tizio floor lamp a few months ago as well.





Later I found the teapot. It plays musical notes when the water is done. I had seen M’s teapot for almost a year and it drove my nuts (it was disgusting) so finally a decent teapot. This one is so pretty…yet I never use it. I don’t even drink tea. It just sits there and looks pretty. Thus the million and one pictures to follow…








All Taken by the invisible man.


Mothers Day:

Mothers day ended up costing me 25,000+USD.
I somehow ended up getting her new kitchen appliances while they are away on vacation. Everything comes in on the 21st along with new lighting fixtures and an Imac. I don’t even know where to begin…It started with a missed flight and ended up with me buying her a new ticket/ driving her to the airport.

I would have sworn it was a pretty fucked up drug induced dream but the armored Audi S8 in my driveway says other wise. I am off to the country in a few days to rendezvous with the contractors for installation. I think it’s suppose to be a surprise.
(She was not suppose to be in the US on mothers day)

I’ll go back on my sleeping pill/ alcoholic binge fest when I get back.

¶ 5/17/2005 03:35:00 AM //

Incoherent Ramblings about Elizabeth

We worshiped a barren landscape…however we imagined armies of penguins with pink castles and rainbow rivers, Wearing sandals in the snow and all.…how could such a sweet fantasy be so wrong and damaging?

I’m so sorry for those times she cried…I would expressly say that I was not angry with her however sometimes I would be disappointed in choices she had made. It’s all a bit too personal and things which pertain solely to her and her past however I tried the best I could to get her to free herself. She had such dark secrets. I tried to get her to free her self, but she never did. She put her family ahead of herself. She did the proper thing as she saw fit. She did what I would have done, yet not what I would have ever wanted for her to do.

I think with her being as perfect as she was, trying as hard as she did that she could not handle disappointment let alone failure. I feel horrible for some of the things I said...be it I only had the best intentions for her.

I once asked her how long did it take for her to become perfect…she told me 12 hours a day. So for her at 20 something…a solid 10 year commitment. If I start today…If I didn’t work, had no commitments, didn’t sleep…I could possible pull off perfection by the time I’m 47. I would not be worthy till I was 47. I will not live to see 47.

She was so good to me…she would send me these little gifts…like stuffed animals in mini Victoria secret bags...just to entice me. There was a reason why all her friends referred to her as a femme fatale. I had a friend once...I forget her name, but she scuffed at the notion.

She once sent me "boyfriend catchers" or something. They were Chinese finger traps. I wanted to use it wither…but I never did. She sent me chocolates and got me flowers. She was so sweet. I still think of the day she got me a flower for my birthday and I simply melt. I tell the story to others and they don’t get it. I have long ago stopped telling that story. I save the stories of us for only myself now.

I don’t trust myself with her memories anymore…I try not to talk to anyone about her anymore. Even references I may make to her…as I can’t stop , yet try.
I’ll refer to her as someone I once knew. She was my best friend…I don’t know what’s worse. The fact I lost the love of my life or the fact I lost my best friend.

She was the fabric that held my life together. I have had such a painful, difficult life and…my sanity has just teetered on the edge for so long that I had forgotten what it was to have purpose, to do something meaningful.

She was amazing in her determination to overcome, out do, and succeed at whatever she put her mind to.

With the exception of the race we ran in the parking garage. We were holding hands and I felt so young and alive…I kissed her on the cheek and challenged her for a race to the car. She looked down and said no in her femme fatal fashion. For a moment I looked down as well feeling very sheepish and that when I looked up to find her already running. She never made me feel the fool albeit she was so much smarter. (I had a slightly higher IQ however she was brilliant in way that I could not even begin to fathom.) The one thing she wasn’t however was faster than me. I beat her to the car.

We would argue our faux arguments about who really won that day for all the years we were together.

I won as a whole. I had her…and I couldn’t be happier…until the day I lost her.

If I could only speak to her.
If I only knew why.
If I only had her permission to move on.
Maybe then, I could get better, and possibly be able to move on.

Till then I am indebted to the promises I have made to her and intend on keeping, promises which she made however I insisted she did not have to. Promises, which she has already broken so many times since once upon a time.

Till then…I’ll keep my end. Only her.

¶ 5/14/2005 01:08:00 AM //

I wait so long to do these now (weeks if not months)…The list just piles up and it’s all pretty trite and dribble…most of it is forgotten and lost in the sands of time. However this is for me. (me me me me me me me) When your names up top you can call the shots. (hmmm now that I take a look, my name’s not up there either)

Carrying on….

The Breitling:
It seems my watches are biting the bullet one by one. The clasp totally gave out on this one and so I took it to my usual place. The guy is always grumpy and never in a good mood. However he is close. I had to go back to him 3-4 times before the clasp would finally stay in place. He blamed me (as is his nature). Mind you of course I almost never wear the thing.



On the same note the GMT was sent out…. About 600usd later I still have yet to hear back from Rolex.

Thinpad# 2:
I lost another hard drive…just as Thinkpad #1 came out of recovery…I’m guessing I will need at least 2 laptops for as long I live. Originally I was just going to give up on it however P needed it and…of course I can’t say no to a saint.

Favors:
I do a million+ favors for everyone and I get the whisper in my ear that I should not. However I do such things thinking that when I should ever be in need, I will call in my favors. When I was a child my family would always warn me against doing favors for outsiders. It seems the lower down I go on the human race the more reliable the person is. To some extent. IE: Russian mobster will always keep his word. A snitch may not. A alcoholic never. A gambler…when he can. A cop, yes. A Doctor…will try to get out of it but yes. Lawyers…Never.

I have quite a few friends that are lawyers/in law school. The more the progress through law school the more they talk/act like rats.

M…M owes me so many favors it’s not even funny. I mean literally hundreds of favors. So I ask him for one in return and where do I find myself? Ahhh yes….high and dry. The moral of the story here kids is…DO NOT DO FAVORS FOR LAWYERS.

It was just the lamest excuse…in a nutshell "I’m busy for the next 3 weeks so I can’t spare an hour"

The entire episode has left a strong distaste in my mouth. I sent off a piece of my mind in an email.


Pots pans:
I am the pot and pan king?
There were many pictures that were to come with this but…alas the pills are sooooo good. I’m not getting up to take photos.

It’s been at least a month (or 3) however I seemed to have develop a All-Clad fetish. I bought all new pots and pans which will never get used. I even got a "Pasta Pentola"…and it’s been months if not years since I have made pasta. It didn’t stop there…I got new utensils as well…I actually ended up spending a few thousand USD. On shit I’ll never use. I may get a few more items…however I think I’ve had it. Just about 2 weeks ago I threw out a majority of the old kitchenware.





Teapot:
This was something else I picked up. Now my parents…they only drink high tea. Therefore, this would never fly. However amongst my kitchen buying frenzy, I indulged in my Richard Sapper fetish.

Oh my…I never covered Richard Sapper now did I…
Hmmm ok (serves my right for taking so long in my domestic updates.) His main claim to fame is designing IBMS "business card" (the ThinkPad). He has also done a few other things for Alessi. I just discovered Alessi, and thus a small spree. I bought a Tizio floor lamp a few months ago as well.





Later I found the teapot. It plays musical notes when the water is done. I had seen M’s teapot for almost a year and it drove my nuts (it was disgusting) so finally a decent teapot. This one is so pretty…yet I never use it. I don’t even drink tea. It just sits there and looks pretty. Thus the million and one pictures to follow…








All Taken by the invisible man.


Mothers Day:

Mothers day ended up costing me 25,000+USD and counting.
I somehow ended up getting her new kitchen appliances while they are away on vacation. Everything comes in on the 21st along with new lighting fixtures and an Imac. I don’t even know where to begin…It started with a missed flight and ended up with me buying her a new ticket/ driving her to the airport.

I would have sworn it was a pretty fucked up drug induced dream but the armored Audi S8 in my driveway says other wise. I am off to the country in a few days to rendezvous with the contractors for installation. I think it’s suppose to be a surprise.
(She was not suppose to be in the US on mothers day)

I’ll go back on my sleeping pill/ alcoholic binge fest when I get back.

¶ 5/14/2005 12:20:00 AM //

Next to my bed I have my phone, a bottle of water, and sleeping pills.

I stay asleep till the phone rings,…I answer, I yell, I take a few more pills I go back to sleep. This is all I do.

It’s been a few days now…

I once dreamed about ice cream cake. I ran out in the middle of the night and got some and as I was cutting it, a deep sinking sensation crept in. Then it hit me….I’m turning in to Homer J. Simpson!. I then cooked enough food for about 2 weeks and put it all away in the freezer…and now I’m writing this as well.

It’s almost a hallucinogenic state when I’m awake. I’m not sure of what’s real and what’s not. IE: I thought I saw Elizabeth on the way to the supermarket and threw the car in reverse to catch up…When I was doing about 40mph in reverse up the wrong way of a one way street, and still had gained no ground did I realize it was only a hallucination.

I’ve had sleep paralysis ever since the incident with the UN, so I was sort of accustomed to seeing things before dozing off, so imagine me constantly in the state of dozing off due to medication. (I am trying to be a proper American and medicate my pain away.) It had been so long since I’ve had any major hallucination that I had almost totally forgotten about it.

I’m also finding out medication induced dreams are much different form the normal blood, gore and death dreams I’m used to..(the same reoccurring dream). I forget so many of them but the ice cream cake was a prime example of one. Something I would have never thought about during the course of a normal day.

I have to admit…taking half a dose of sleeping pills is really great. It’s a total daze. It really takes the edge off of things. I’ve never really done drugs, however around the end of January I promised myself that I would only commit myself to being a model citizen for another year…after that, if nothing changed, all bets were off. I’d hate to think I’m jumping the gun here.

2006 I will drink my bank accounts dry…heroine, coke , pot. I will live off vodka , ice cream cakes and drugs. I will do anything that tempts me. I will totally lose control. I will escalate situations I know I should not, and will just take everything to the point of no return. I will make my lawyer earn his retainer.

I will do my best to live the proper sex, drugs, and rock and roll life style that I see those around me live. Those who seem to not care. My problem is I care too much.

I can’t seem to let go of promises I know I should break, or let go of those whom no longer hold any sort of compassion towards me.

On that note…the parental figures keep calling. Maybe once a day now, which is a bit much considering that in the past they would only call when they needed something (once every 6 months?). They claim to no longer need the power of attorney and asked permission to come over. All I can assume is my super cold, slightly pissed off offensive is working. Therefore, I told them they couldn’t as I was going to be out and about in the city all day. In reality…I’m going to do the blog thing (this) and maybe clean. That’s about it really.

They are going to be in the area as Mother leaves for her vacation today. This involves a motorcade through the area. She really did her best to lay a guilt trip on me… Even J (brother) emailed me to take it easy. Which means more likely than not the gossip is making the rounds. I hope its "He’s not going to take anymore shit" but more likely than not it’s "The disrespectful outcast has earned his new position at the top of everyone’s hit list". Part of me is really tempted to escalate this entire situation and see where it will end up. I mean I’m not going to live forever. Death is the worst-case scenario as I see it…and I’m not afraid of dying.

The entire deal boils down to the a few things…
J (my brother) had very good parents…and I didn’t. That about it in a nutshell. I didn’t have very good parents. They do not seem content in have only fucking up my past, and my future. They insist on spoiling my present as well. They try to riddle me with guilt and manipulate me to conform to ways, which would only serve to further their ambitions whilst diminishing what little of my own I may posses.

I had one ambition…and it was her happiness. She left and now… I am a lost soul. I don’t even try anymore. I gave up so long ago… why try now?

The way I see it is I have nothing to gain, and nothing to lose. I have no heirs, thus no legacy to preserve. For this same reason, I can blow everything away on cocaine and hookers (in 2006). My time is limited…I have cancer. I’m not going to live to see 80, or even 30.
I can enlist and go ape shit. (well no…I can’t enlist). I don’t have to think of the future…I have none. I do not have the burdens the common person does. I have high-powered legal representation on speed dial. I can buy my way out of trouble…I don’t know why it is then that I still hold so many allegiances to forgotten causes and my love that I lost so long ago.

So…..that’s what was on my mind. There is a bit more in the pipelines (40ish pages that may never make it…I’ll try to work on that or…I may just pop a few pills and go back to sleep.

¶ 5/06/2005 09:22:00 AM //

I can’t take this…

I had a few things to do today and seeing as how I just finished…I’ve decided I can’t take this anymore.

It’s not exactly suicide but it’s something that’s been in the works for a while.

Since Elizabeth the only thing I really enjoy doing is sleeping. (the pills are working now in 3x the dosage)

So all I will do from here on out is sleep. I’m going to doze off after I finish this and when I wake up I’m going to brush my teeth, perhaps eat /shower…then pop a few more pills and go back to sleep. This will become my routine.

I don’t need to deal with any more of this shit life. I’m just going to sleep through it. I can’t be a mindless follower, so I figure this is the 2nd best thing.

I’m going to give it a week…if I’m feeling better I may stop however now just the situation with the family has me so incredibly down and depressed, …I even went through a bottle of vodka this morning…it had been so long since I had a stiff drink.

So I’m off in hopes to dream of better days gone by.
But no…I will only dream the same nightmare I have every time I close my eyes.

It’s better than the one I face when I open them again.

¶ 5/03/2005 08:45:00 PM //

Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together
Hold it together

Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it
Don’t lose it


Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight
Keep it tight

Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath
Breath


I’m losing my mind.

I wish to be a sheep

Baaaaaaaaaaaa

¶ 5/03/2005 11:43:00 AM //

It was a conversation that in hindsight I find filled with moments of would have, could have, and should haves…

My mother is about to go on vacation for the month and wanted to get some business done. Being the family monkey I am by default tasked with driving her from the main house in CT to the airport in NY.

Your thinking…driving your mother to the airport? So what? This is my mother. She won’t ride in any of my cars. So I am tasked with going to CT via train. Getting to the warehouse in a place with no mass transit. Picking up the pre designated car, and then picking her up and driving her. The entire experience is usually a lesson in humility. She insist on riding in the back and not talking to the driver (when I’m driving at lest). I am also tasked with the pick up. I think they may even note the mileage/ track the car via GPS. The car must be garaged and detailed for her pick up. The entire ordeal costs hundreds if not more.

However I am the monkey and I accept my place in the world…but no. That would be too easy if it was just that.

They are planning on conducting business while on vacation so they need power of attorney from me. Initially I laughed…but they were serious. I recall when I was younger, after my grandfathers death and riddled with grief I signed just piles upon piles of documents I was not allowed to look at. Perhaps 100-200? It was a full day. I was then told about all the things I did wrong at the ceremony.

I was told the agreement was emailed to me , I thought I didn’t get it but then upon checking a old email account. There it was. I printed it and was about to cross my t’s and dot my I’s but then started to read the 15 page document and holy shit!.

This was massive. They would essentially own everything and be able to investigate everything. They would have everything including but not limited to safety deposit box’s, all properties, all bank accounts, all stocks, bonds, account histories, in a nut shell…everything. I faxed it over to my lawyer and he said I was a nut if I signed off on it, and he doesn’t even know my history. (He made some sort of joke about how if I did sign it and decided to kill them I would get off on a insanity defense quite easily.)

I mean forget the fact they were hell bent on destroying me less than 5 years ago. Forget the assassination attempts and the fact they made me homeless. Forget the fact they haven’t done anything for me in the past 10+ years and I am a lowly monkey. Forget the lawsuits and the times they’ve tried to bankrupt me to bring me to my knees.

They would find out all about Elizabeth if they so found fit. This is the one thing I have feared for a while. I would almost certainly be killed for sure. Dealing with outsiders is such a no no…or even this blog…dead man walking. I really don’t care what happens to me when the day is done...I have cancer, my days are numbered. However if anything were to happen to Elizabeth…I couldn’t say. Overseas my parents literally move in with a militia where ever they go. I shit you not, when I was a kid I recall helicopters and gunships. Gunships!

So I called them back and said I wanted a sunset provision in addition to a statute on limitations in terms of what countries the agreement would be effective in (namely one). I then got the speech about how the faction needs to be seen to be seen as a strong solid front. How my place was to serve only the house as a whole and I would not survive without it. They talked about the old days and trust, on and on I heard the same rhetoric that was used to indoctrinate so many others.

I lost it. I told them they can’t feed my shit and call it chocolate. I asked them where my faction was when I was homeless. I asked them where my faction was when I was being shot at in the former Yugoslavia.
I asked them where was my family when I was being tortured on the hood of a truck by men hired by the family to break me. I asked them where was my family when my grandfather hung himself, or when the other one was assassinated. I told them I didn’t want them or their blood money. I didn’t need vineyards , lands, estates, number accounts (beyond my own) houses or cars.. I told them all I needed was my freedom from them.

Christ! They think themselves so powerful and omnipotent. They only work via the instillation of fear unto those who would oppose them. I will admit tonight I may stay at a safe house.

I don’t know what I may have started however I think I may cancel my business trips and bunker down. If this gets me out of being the family monkey, I will be relieved. It’s better to be a black sheep than a monkey.
However for the past year or so I’ve had to do double duty.

I don’t sleep with a gun under my pillow to protect me from my enemies…oh no. It’s to protect me from my family. This is the price I pay for the name I wish I didn’t have.

¶ 5/02/2005 09:54:00 PM //