One Sunday …a few Sunday’s ago I found myself flying along the pristine scenic route which connects NY and CT.



This route is free of commercial traffic and full of speed demons. With the sun roof open and the pedal down I was having a pretty relaxing time just driving.

The sun was out and the air still crisp yet not overly cold or overly warm…just right. I was on shit duty as the family monkey, but for a moment didn’t mind.

Lalala, along I flew and then a song I had heard perhaps a dozen times before came on. It was by bright eyes, which in general moves me very much so.

Then I just all at once became over whelmed. On the verge of crying for no reason, just all at once overwhelmed to the extent I had to pull over and lie on the grass.

Consider my sorrow which I carry around with me a water. Most of this water pertains to Elizabeth and all she entails. Besides that there is very little else. Think of myself as a vessel, a bucket. I had been proud and ashamed all at the same time to not be thinking of her (which itself was a oxymoron). Then out of the blue the bucket over flows. It was like a panic attack. I am usually so good at keeping my feelings/emotions confided to my prison cell and yet… here I was losing control… in public.

In private, I do horrible things to myself, some listed in these posts however in public. In public I serve as a representative to my factions house. Emotional outbreaks are not tolerated, not only by them, but also by myself. I realize I am not being watched 24/7 however I feel as though I cannot slack off be whatever the situation. I can not become lax in my emotions regardless of the situation. (Elizabeth being the exception to all the rules)

A few moments later, I picked myself up, brushed myself off, cleaned myself up…and went back to my place in the world….as a monkey.


In other news…

Flickr is becoming a serious addiction. There are so many brilliant people on there, and I have no chance of competing…however I have found renewed inspiration to take my camera out again for purposes other than documentation.

This weeks subject was my friend and hopefully yours,
Optimus Prime (lookin a bit evil).

¶ 4/27/2005 11:18:00 PM //

I once had a friend…she was a gifted, spirited playwright. We met in a really odd way via Craigslist. I really liked her and our paths would have other wise never crossed.

We emailed back and forth for months up till 9.11. I was really concerned for her well being and so I emailed her to see if everything was ok. I had lost a few friends in the towers…actually my grandfather had offices in the towers during the 1993 incident. My parents told me I tired to shield them from the TV screen.

Regardless…I thought it such a shame we talked for so many months and never met yet lived so close. We had originally planned on meeting up however "life" just got in the way. After 9.11...well a few months after I thought "here was this amazing person I could have lost".

So we met up for a play…Shakespeare, I believe it was Othello…however I could be mistaken. It was a small production ..a block off Broadway. I would have never found it without her. We had a great time and later we went to Katz Dinner in the village (where Harry met Sally, etc etc) We then just drove around…it was kind of hard…me looking like a terrorist and the national guard everywhere.
I took her home and said goodnight at which point I thought I saw her leaning in for a kiss…I did the only thing I could and got out of the car to open her door.

She told me she was happy she have met me and I reciprocated. She had a really radical mindset. This carried on for a few months. I talked about Elizabeth for hours with her and yet…I don’t think she got the picture.

One day we were in Lincoln square…watching an IMAX movie .I loved IMAX movies at the time…still do it’s just been so long…As a matter of fact the joke started with her when we were at the Natural Museum of History (they have a IMAX theater as well.) That I would convince Saddam Hessian to get me an IMAX theater for my attic and in turn it would help him take over the world.(I forgot how we worked it out)

Anyways…afterwards she went a block over and ordered a few chocolate martinis….at this time I didn’t drink so I passed. We then proceeded over to Tower when she asked me if I had ever seen Memento. I had not. This was the point in which I felt I may be in trouble.

She grabbed me , marched me up to the dvd section, grabbed a copy and demanded I drive us back to her place uptown. I did and we were going to watch the movie. (I actually wanted to watch the movie.)

About 15 minutes in she sort of just mounted me and started kissing me. I got up and wanted to be gentle and She knew I was in love with Elizabeth…not merely attached or infatuated but in love. So I kissed her on the forehead and told her I wasn’t romantically in love with her.

I drove home and my heart was really sunk…for the 1st time since I had met Elizabeth I was feeling down and confused. Loving her made things so clear up until then.

The next day I told Elizabeth everything. I was devastated…but sweet dear Elizabeth wasn’t. She totally understood. I was shocked amazed and...a bit worried. Elizabeth put me at ease and told me she trusted me. This girl I truly loved.

I also then received a series of emails ..confused and disoriented from Susan…I apologized to her however told her I couldn’t see her.

I had dozens of voicemails which I deleted and I outlined my reasoning…till the next morning she said I had to come over.

It was very ominous and it wasn’t Elizabeth’s idea not to see her but rather mine. I reluctantly drove over…not wanting her to do anything. (she rhetorically asked why no one loved her…scary notions of this sort etc etc )

I was shocked...police tape every where and finger print dust. She went out got drunk, drugged and was rapped by 3 men the night I left. She went straight to the bar. They robbed her blind and smashed what they couldn’t lift.

She was still…I had to hug her, how could I not?

They had her keys so I stayed the night. My stomach turned with guilt. In the morning she seemed right as rain. I now feel guilty about not going to the clinic with her or cleaning up the mess the cops left. However she was just so calm. She wrote letters to all the local pawn shows with serial numbers and was just on top of everything. We even started to watch Memento,
And then she started again…I started pulling away till she started crying.

I really didn’t know what to do. I stayed for 3 months.
I never kissed her. Elizabeth knew everything, then one day…I just snapped and couldn’t take it. I was so mean and heartless. I hugged her and told her goodbye.

Just like that I left. I was only suppose to be a friend however I kept feeling she was taking advantage. I didn’t want to jeopardize what Elizabeth and I had.

Ahh but what folly…Elizabeth and I was a romantic dream from which I woke up so long ago.


What became of Susan? I found out she was involved in some sort of scheme to defraud her readers. It was very uncharacteristic of her…but she returned! She made right what was wrong , got everything together…even fell in love with a jazz aficionado/ musician. She is now a high school math teacher.

I wouldn’t want to speak to her again…I’m just glad she’s doing well.


Some points which need to be made/clarified: Susan was during year 1 (of many) of my love affair with Elizabeth. It never hurt our relationship. Everything I found out about Susan was information given to me via 3rd/4th parties no direct contact was ever made. I will admit…I hope she will finish her play so that I may see it in secret. I wish only the best for her.

¶ 4/22/2005 05:08:00 AM //

Sometimes...I'll be home alone…enjoying the silence...and then the phone will ring it's lovely tune which makes me grind my teeth (it's always bad news) and contemplate suicide before answering. I will get a call that a certain faction/members of my family is/are inbound and regardless of the several hundred mile "buffer zone" I get maximum notice of 15 minutes.
They don't "do" coffee...it's too easy. They are always in the mood for "high tea"

Within 15 minutes the good silverware has to come out, tea set and all.

God help me if there is a spec of dust (that they should happen to see)..later when they leave I'll get a call explaining all the things I did wrong via 3rd party.

I hate tea time.

I hate being me

I hate myself

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

A word of such caliber is never so lightly taken in to use.

¶ 4/21/2005 02:55:00 AM //

Yes In addition to my younger brother being better than me in every possible way...I have just discovered that he is also an amazing dancer.

It doesn't stop...I thought when they told me earlier today that he was a great dancer that they were all joking. (after all...Knowing him for 22+ years I had never seen him dance before)

I was shocked.

So in addition to being rich, sole heir to an empire, better looking, faster, smarter, brighter, sharper funnier, etc He is also a better dancer.

¶ 4/17/2005 01:47:00 AM //

I am the black sheep.

This has never really been a question however in my absence, my younger brother has seemingly become, well I’ve been usurped in every possible fashion.

Elizabeth said she didn’t like him but…

He seems to out do me at just about everything.
He is faster, better looking, in better shape, sharper, smarter, wittier, and adored by the family and all it’s factions.

I on the other hand get phones calls IE: I need you to go to such and such and pick up 16 plane tickets.

When I arrive, it’s always a 50/50 as to whether I’ll have to pay for them. It’s never a sure bet. Now 16 tickets at 3,000-5,000usd a piece. It’s not easy to have so much on hand for petty reasons such as "I can’t be bothered to drive all the way to NY…" what they don’t say is "so I want you to go through the trouble I can’t be bothered with"

So this is between 48,000-80,000usd at any random interval. What’s worse is I don’t always get reimbursed.

I’ve been reduced to a errand boy / petty cash.

If I say no…I will be even further slandered behind my back and get a phone call from the parents. The same parents which have a strong distaste for anything I touch. The parents who don’t even acknowledge the fact I have cancer as it will only serve to tarnish their name.

When I die I will die of a "heart attack" along with all the suicides and homicides that permeate the family line. I can’t even recall the last person who died of natural causes.

This weekend…A faction is having a catered event to which I declined the offer to attend and then was told to at least drop off the food…the audacity! Guess who’s paying for it?

Then I got a call from the same faction to telling me to also swing by the jeweler...they ordered a Harry Winston set and need it delivered in person.

This is about 120,000usd to which I may lose totally.

It’s not a new thing… It used to be once every 3-4 months which wasn’t too bad. However I said no to my cousin (2 months older and thinks she owns the world as a result of her seniority) wanted a dozen tickets at over 6,000usd each. I told her to fuck off.
I knew I wasn’t going to see the assets returned any time soon. On top of that she used a agent which was way out of league for her and thus I would be dealing in unfamiliar territory (this is the set up for a hit in the making)

Since then it has dramatically increased on all fronts. As though my sole purpose on this life is to make theirs easier with little or no compensation/reimbursement…shit it’s already well in to the 6 figures for the year.

My brother on the other hand doesn’t have to deal with any of this…he complains about having to always look at everyone’s computer here and there but that’s bout it , even that he doesn’t really do. Speaking of which.... I was told about 3 days ago that our mothers computer didn’t work. I was told this morning I was to either buy her a new Imac (3,200usd + tax) or a macmini+ 23” lcd (?).

This from the mother who would wish out loud that she never had me.

Out side of these situations… my family tends to ignore me. I’ve gotten used to being ignored by those I love (Elizabeth) and those I don’t (family).

Oh bother…

It’s one of those situations I really don’t know what to do. All I want to do is be in Elizabeths arms…all I day dream about are her eyes, all I fantasize about are her eyes, all I want is her…and if not her…well I sort of like sleeping. I want to sleep all day.
I want to sleep all night. I don’t want to wake up.

When we were together I will admit that sometimes I secretly wished...a wish I wished so softly , a whisper for I fear it may come true. I wished I had not grown so indebted to her. I wished I had not fallen so deeply, madly, passionately in love with her. I wished that I had never seen her. It hurt…I loved her so much that every moment I was without her hurt. Even when I would see her smile I would feel faint, I would literally have problems breathing when she would smile.

In Mexico when we kissed…I would have to stop to catch my breath. She was so devastatingly talented in ways I dare not say.

Now all my worst dreams have come true. The reoccurring dream I have of dieing, it used to be a nightmare. Now it is a dream. A dream in which I am freed of all my shackles, of all my pain, of all my agony, of all my love for her. I will be set free when I die…I hope.

My life is a composition of nothingness unto its self. The canvas is only smeared by the passerby’s.

I missed the beautiful art we used to make together.

We painted such beautiful dreams of a reality together.

¶ 4/16/2005 03:48:00 AM //

Everything I touch as of late just falls apart and breaks.
In one weeks time I smashed ThinkPad #1 then the HD crashed on ThinkPad #2 Then the Vaio just bit the bullet. To top it off my favorite daily watch has also stopped working.

This will now be a selfish post about (my) watches. Had I still been attached this would have never happened as there would have been someone to smack me upside the head whilst eyeing the pieces at Tourneau.

I am ashamed to admit this is the only picture of the GMT I have out of the display case, while in action.





I think I just came back from somewhere and had about 15,000usd on me and was feeling pretty "rap star-ish".

Although maybe not...it’s not "blinging" enough. Perhaps if I had used the Breitling( Elizabeth’s fav.), or perhaps the Yahtmaster (my only platinum).

Speaking of Yahtmaster…I’ve sort of fallen for this yacht.

I think it may have been more so the lighting that captivated me and the inadvertent fact it was on a stack of cash? I can’t say for sure. However my GMT is sadly no more. Yes thats it lying on top of one of the smashed thinkpads.





For a while I used my Omega Speedmaster as a back up. I’ve had this for a while...it actually replaced my Omega 007...it always works however it’s a bit too delicate to be used as a daily.

Last week I made my way downtown to attend J’s fashion show (I was feeling well enough) Now when I attend family functions I will be consensus to wear a understated gaudy and that’s the crowd I’m working. However I rediscovered my neglected Submariner.





I think Elizabeth would be proud of me. I never had her fashion sense however...I’m fairly proud of myself.This maybe my new daily. I will miss the 24 hour hand which I do use...however it is very nice and understated.

Perhaps I may just buy a new GMT. It’s not like Elizabeth is going to ever collect what I set aside for her.

Till then…





In other news I realized the 1/4 caret diamond has fallen out of the other cufflink. Meh.

While I’m posting Pictures I might as well post a few more. You may notice the smaller size. It’s to help with formatting issues. If enough ask for the larger format back..I may.

Nooka. I picked up an original Nooka about 3-6 months ago(time is a blur so I can’t tell). Designed by NYC Zoom originally put out by Sekio. Unfortunately Sekio would not advertise the watch or mass produce it. Later the person who designed it bought back the patent and now sells these under a different name with a slightly revamped design. The notion of leather straps is growing on me …this is also the 1st digital watch I’ve bought since my 1st watch.





This is my 1st watch that I purchased. It stopped recently after about going strong for 10-15 years. I should get new cells for it. For years it was the watch that never died. It sort of pales next to...well next to anything.





The GMT in the case aside my Daytona. The unfortunate incident with C (The Austrian investment banker) comes to mind. The Patek is no longer here. I haven't worn the Daytona since.





The next post will also suck(most likely on my scary new kitchen fetish)…but after that I’ll try harder to get back to substance and content over this seemingly materialistic filth…or not. I’m just so sick as of late…it’s not getting better, only worse and this is so much easier on the mind.

And as a last and totally unrelated note…

The Razr is now white.

¶ 4/10/2005 02:38:00 AM //

Are you important? Do people wearing ski masks have a propensity to discharge firearms in your general direction? Do you make a lot of money? Do people want to get your money? Do you collect your paycheck from a government agency that officially doesn't exist? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might need a more secure form of personal transportation than can otherwise be provided by your average rusted-out '73 Ford Pinto with broken door locks. You need something big and preferably Teutonic. This should be a vehicle that you could trust to protect yourself and your family (or other black-suited government types with sunglasses permanently attached to their heads). You need a vehicle that can stop attacks ranging from sledgehammer blows to .44 Magnum rounds. You need, in fact, a Mercedes-Benz S600 Guard.

It's almost frightening to how many of these questions I can answer yes to...Hence my heightened urgency in finding a s350/s600 ver B7 guard. I've been eyeing a gov't caddy on sale locally. It's about 116,000usd but it won't take a RPG.

All will be explained...but only after I am no more.
The need for security has been drastically heightened in light of recent events/phone calls.

¶ 4/10/2005 12:10:00 AM //