So much has happened, some posts left in limbo…lost to moments in time

My own personal domestic front 1st I suppose, later expanding upon the grander front.

The mess with DOB and Con-Ed I think may have been resolved, I finally got put in touch with the wrong sorts and think I may have successfully bribed my way out of the situation, or so I hope. I got a swank new meter however I am still spending 500usd+ a month on electricity it seem.

Speaking of 500usd I love my new Razr I hacked it to no end and de-cingularized everything… I even have Twisted Nerve (by Bernard Herrmann) as my ring tone,/decepticon theme going…I really am simply so pleased with it post hack. (Such a fan boy do I occasionally see in the mirror)

I usually find myself traveling a lot more than I would hope and I rarely make note of where I am or where I am going however…There have been many lucrative job offers I have turned down as they were based in Mexico city or had MC listed as a satellite location , or even a forward base of operation when dealing in events in south America.

Since my fiascos with Interpol I try and keep away from temptation and try and avoid Mexico in general,.. however I think a trip may be coming soon. Hopefully I won’t divulge from the objective, and furthermore may I not have any free time.

M is also heading down,. unrelated, He may do some legit work for the government down there.

Now the familia…

At time I am thankful Elizabeth did not chose me as she would not have to hear my woes to these regards.

It was once a mission to save the drunken sailor before he wrecked himself and now he only serves to pull our faction apart at the seems. I no longer feel any sort of sentiment towards him.

My father seemed to want a project and took on my uncle. He had another episode and went missing, thus my father felt he should spearhead the operation and blatantly lied to the godfather in regards to his intelligence sources/ logistical capabilities / prior operational history in regards to situation updates.

What ended up happening was me driving 800+ miles chauffeuring him and the sailor around on another one of these benders. I feel that since my father has /had such a close relationship with said family member that he is blatantly bias in his favor and thus nothing gets done.

He spent a few days at unsaid remote location with their branch and the police only had to show up 3 times and their was only one near hostage situation, 1 kidnap attempt , 1 kidnap success which was revolved by the godfather, and one knife fight.

Mind you when I spent twice the time there yet there were no such incidents, and as a matter of fact there was a glimpse of hope be it ever so small. I feel since my fathers involvement the situation has taken a drastic downturn. I see no hope and expressed such feelings as I was being briefed in a parking lot 5 miles outside of town to avoid ease dropping.

The escalation of the situation has drastically worsened as has my father who is corrupted with such power. His love for this man trumps us (his immediate family) and day of the week.
Not only did the sailor lose his job of 19 years but now his wife wanted a divorce . I was amazed she had not asked for one before, and she was strong for the sake of the children however, it had reached that point. This is not only a humiliation to him, but to the faction as a whole. Under my supervision such things did not get nearly as bad as fast.

Feuds between myself and him have escaladed and reached a boiling point when My mother and brother and I went to get the new Razrs (3 miles away)

We took only one unit and were to return shortly. We left instructions not to leave the house as the godfather would be attending shortly (2 hour drive for him) When we returned we found my car had been taken and they were missing. The godfather had arrived and they were greeted by us and no other.

Time had passed and chit chat could only go on so long. The matter at hand needed to be talked about. The talk only lasted a perhaps 30 minutes , however in those 30 minutes the world for the sailor would be reshaped, in his absence. The entire faction was to be notified, In addition the rest of the factions in the area as now the sailor was staying at my parents home in CT. This would cause word to travel fast and soon I knew the entire family would find out.

Not only was this drastic, it was severe and would serve as a humiliation to us all. My father would surly be angered by this , however such disrespect is not tolerated by the godfather.
To not show is a insult not only to him but to my mother and I who hosted. I assume I got points via respect but may have lost points as I came clean about the damaged car in my possession. As he had lost my respect I felt no need to cover for his lies. I also felt unease for being involved in the talks as it signified my loss of innocence. I was now in the big leagues.

When my father and the sailor did return after destroying my freshly detailed car (in terms of cleanliness) they rode in like conquering heroes. They were loud proud and insulting. They were preemptively defiant and slandering the godfather. They thought of the selves as gods. They insulted the godfather for coming so early (15:00) and leaving so late (21:30)

Such pride causes arguments. I was so enraged I knocked my father to the ground and was close to really giving him a one for. I was to teach him respect however could not bring myself to beat him. Initially his pride spoke and then the realization sunk in and there was fear to his eyes… my mother was there and somewhere in the mix I did something I hadn’t done for a while, I just broke down and lost it. My parents had not seen me cry since I was nearly beaten to death by my father when I was 14 or 15 (it was a daily thing..get a B get beaten, look at him the wrong way..get beaten…I got kicked out when I could fight back)

My father in his pride was making up fabrication of business for myself of my inheritance he was out securing, how he was attending to business. Lies…It was A Sunday , the day after Christmas, no proper establishment was open. I told him I did not have 5 years or 10 years, Then in his arrogance he said neither did he. The man enraged me to the point I would have ended him there however..my mother looked at me bewildered and I let slip I had cancer , thus I broke down.

I never wanted her to know , she cried and pleaded with me to see a dr. To which I reluctantly agreed however …I may not. A son should not make his mother cry. I feel so vile and disgusted with myself for doing so.

My father took the opportunity and stormed out of the room as though he had won a war.
He yelled something downstairs but that was it. He knows about the cancer now and not a word from him. Even the next day when I left he didn’t say anything.

I found my car with the windows opened and the battery dead (in the winter) and he hid the keys to all the other cars and removed all the booster packs (as a final insult) Luckily I had my own booster pack, though the leather was a bit warped because it had snowed the night before (and in the car) Even when faced with him, He did not even acknowledge me.

So be it.. if he wants war I will bring him war.

The sailor has infected him, The sailor made him in to the same bastard he was so many years ago. My brother and I were proud of his change.. be it short lived.
The sailor speaks too much, the sailor has dishonored the family, the sailor may speak too much to the wrong people, he is now in a bigger pond with far more sharks. I may have to end the sailor… I may seek permissions.

My hand may be forced,

Many possibilities, however a war within the family I do foresee. I would not be the 1st to have killed off a father, after all pride is a sin.

¶ 12/31/2004 11:59:00 PM //

Elizabeth always saw herself as the Grinch…or at lest she could identify with him,..she even had a Grinch face. She was however so far from the Grinch… She always gave so easily and was always so hesitant in receiving.

She had a heart of gold.

She also had her traditions around the holidays…she would steal the angel as they would build the main tree. She would hide it high atop the chandelier where no one would find it.

I used to find it sort of ironic…How my angel would kidnap and hold other angels for ransom. (in Mexico City of all places) However Elizabeth I may already mentioned was more than an angel. Angels have limitations which she did not. Elizabeth was really more of a goddess who masqueraded as an angel. Who was she trying to fool? Her beauty knew no bounds. Angels as do all mortals posses finite sets of characteristics and even within those have severe limitations. However not the Elizabeth I knew, She defied every facet of my reasoning at every turn.

Elizabeth always seemed so content in her rituals…she even had her own small Christmas tree for her room. She had no need for the grander of the one in her living room, She seemed to adore the one in her living room.

Once when I was a child I wanted one in my room (for hopes of seeing Santa). One year I went to the attic found a small (plastic) tree and some lights and set it up…

5 minutes later the tree was on fire.

Such are the parallels between our lives.

Such are the attribute as to why I am here and she has moved on to better things so long ago.

¶ 12/27/2004 06:49:00 AM //

I can’t recall what I was exactly doing but I was in the thick of it.. running around trying to get a million things done in half the time required to have them done.

Just then my phone rings and I find myself having to drop everything because once again the same family member has gone missing. He had called to say he was going to be late and thus commitments which had to be kept defaulted to me for if no other reason than that I knew he was in some bar in a drunken state trying to drown himself away from his problems. While back here in reality his problems just became my problems.

I dropped everything fought rush hour traffic to make my way over to their stateside home
In upstate NY where I met with the lady of the house. She was on her way out however offered me all the diplomatic offerings any family member would get.

Inside the kids seemed happy to see me and they had a long weekend. Their mother was on the way to parent teacher conferences. I played with the kids and pretty much found myself babysitting and referring the messes 6,9,and 12 year olds find themselves in.

A few hours later said family member saw my car in the driveway and from what I saw tried to sober up quick. He was not falling all over himself yet I could smell it form a mile away.

The kids are the true victims of all this. They took one look at him and ran up to me saying they didn’t wish to play with their father.

I found myself in a situation I didn’t want to be in.

I went up to this person and asked him point blank if he was drunk only to be lied to.

I had no proof and even if I did…then what send him to his room?

The night went on and he seemed more and more drunk yet he would deny it at every turn.
The children he would yell at for the slightest thing… He would ask the 6 year old 18x36 and she would start to cry. HE would then go in to drunken lecture mode.

Right around the same time I notice he had the same bottle of water he came in the house with…how long does it take one man to drink a bottle of water? I didn’t give it a second thought until about 2 hours later we were upstairs and I was talking of my recent run in with con ed (as this family member has major suction with DOB and CON ED)

Right around that time I noted he had the same bottle of water and he held on to it for dear life. SO I asked him a bout his water and he tried to be defiant. At which point I asked for the bottle of water saying I was thirsty…He then went on to fears of cross contamination. At this point I grabbed the bottle and for a moment he seemed to put up a fight.

Vodka… the entire fucking night under my nose.

Everyone included his wife saw the bottle of water however no one would have thought.
He went on to say I should spill it however I was not going to give him the satisfaction. I Was not going to let him see it be gone. I went and hid the bottle in the children’s room amongst the stuffed toys whilst I went and tried to get him to bed.

4 hours of hearing his pathetic excuses for why he drinks and why I should spill I finally got him to bed. The children went to bed long before him.

I intended on spilling the drink and saving the bottle later.

I had not had my fix of the news all day and the 12:30am daily show was on. So I retreated to the game room and when the entire time down there I heard footsteps. So be it I thought to myself as long as he’s not yelling (I’m not his father)

I came upstairs half an hour later to find him eating snacks in the dining room in the dark.
I escorted him to his room and proceeded to mine when I decided to check on the bottle.

He had ransacked the all the bedrooms searching for the bottle and then he found it, drank it all, and then tried to place the bottle back as it was. (leaving the rest of the room a mess)
His main mistake was refilling the bottle with warm water. The humidity in the bottle could be seen from a mile away.

I was so enraged at his insolence that I was ready to storm in to his room and give him one for. I was ready to enact upon permissions given to me to punish him for his foolery. I then calmed myself down and considered my options… and they were limited.
I just went to sleep. What could I have done? All throughout the night, he yelled and screamed as would a man who just drank an entire liter of vodka within 30 minutes (I’m guessing 5). I did not sleep a wink.

The next day I told him I would tell his wife about the bottle. He started to shit himself. I confronted him about the bottle at which point he started to lie. I told him his lies insult me.

In this family my reputation is by far the worst though my actions are far form the worst.
Yet his insolence is covered by all, and mines lands the front page.

I then showed him the bottle at which point he fell silent. I dropped him off at the train station and he made his way to his office in the city.

The children had the day off and I had decided to see if he would come home sober. The report cards weren’t good either. However what could one expect from children whose father conducts himself in such fashions? I then told the children if they would do their homework (which I helped) I would take them out.

They were histatic as their mother is usually too busy and their father is either never at home or drunk. The two younger children hadn’t even been to a movie theater.

The children.. Well the youngest I really like however I try not to show any bias. She always listens and usually gets the short end of things. The middle child has his moments but, he is the only male heir in the branch and thus gets spoiled. HE has real problems with authority and I find myself yelling at him to behave himself far too often. What makes it worse is that he never listens and sneaks sodas and candies behind my back. It is bad enough he doesn’t share but, then come the sugar rushes and he just screams at every little thing he feels is unjust towards himself. He doesn’t really feel for the plight of others. However for all his show , he is scared of everything. He is scared of every room in the house including his bedroom , and the hallways. His little sister seems to escort him everywhere. He does though have his moments in which he seems to be a genuinely good boy…I may make him to be worse than he is. I attributive it to a lack of a real father figure. The eldest sometimes makes me proud. She is in a weird preteen phase and for the most part she listens, she is very exited about some aspects of school and… I feel she has a lot of potential (as do the other children) I dictate to her more responsibilities than I perhaps should but she never disappoints.

So I helped the kids in their homework when I asked them why don’t they use their computer? Egads, they don’t know how. I gave them a quick tutorial and pretty soon they were popping in their cd’s and fighting over the computer. I then asked them why didn’t they print their homework? Ahh but nothing on the computer (brand new) is set up.

I made sure everyone did as much homework as they could without the aid of the pc.
Then we all piled in to the car and went on our way to Staples. I not being form the area found everything a bit off and knew how to get no where. Luckily every just runs along one main road.

We got home only to find I had gotten the wrong cord. (it was a new printer I got a older printer cable) I thought they had the weekend so she would type her report in the morning but in the mean time the children who had been relatively good deserved a movie.

The youngest screams for Spongebob, The middle for something else and the eldest for Closer (no way) …even Spongebob was pg13. I had worked a compromise and we all went to see The Polar Express. It was pg and perhaps incentive for the children to behave. The entire way to the cinema I was praying for them just to be good and they amazed me.

The three of them were saints throughout the movie and they all loved it. (thanks god) I then asked them what they wanted to eat and they all screamed Pizza hut! I was not going to try and persuade them, after all I liked pizza hut when I was a kid.

We ordered the pies and I decided it best for us to take them home. Their mother had asked for some milk so we rushed over to the local walmart (ugh) to grab some milk …the kids wanted batteries so we picked up about 16, and I got myself a few dvd’s. Also they children had ruined the wiring for the home theater , so I also got wiring for that as well.

We made it back just as the pies were coming out of the oven and we were on to the train station when one of them started playing a video game. Well once on plays I have to let them all play and we were getting late for picking up their father.

After they all had I go we raced over to the train station (be race I mean drive like a little old lady... after all I did have kids in the car) There was no sight of their father nor did he have a cell phone now. We drove the route form the station to their house at a snails pace trying to retrace their father’s steps and find him. We later retreated to the house on the 5th or 6th attempt to see if he had gotten in. However there was only 1 set of keys since every time he gets drunk he seems to lose a set. We left a note dropped off the kids stuff and pies and all got back in the car to look for him again.

The children told me to check the far gas station as they say he was arrested their once. I found it sort of disturbing as no child should know that. ..I told them I would check the main intersection again and my hunch was right. As we pulled up he was walking in and he was furious. I tried to explain how it was my fault and he…was drunk. I couldn’t ridicule him especially after I let him freeze for over a hour in the cold.

He had gotten a rid up to their and was in tears saying his wife was going to blame him for this. ..the words of a drunk. I felt deeply remorseful for what had happened and excluded the fact the kids were playing games and gave to the notion I underestimated to travel time since I was not used to the area.

We got home…there the kids resumed their normal misbehavior but I was proud of the lot so I didn’t mind..they were 95% good whilst out so.. I let them run a muck and stay up late (10:30) also making sure the youngest got to watch her spongebob in light of her not seeing the movie (she learned not to swear)

I talked with their father and… after what seemed a eternity I got him to admit he drank ,..thus he started to go on it to his problems and it was at this point I starting to lose my composure. I starting being a bit curt with him and then he goes on about suicide.

At this point I lost it. I got up took him by the shoulders and I just yelled and yelled at him.
I asked him what kind of father did he want to be? I asked him what would his death do for his children? I asked him what the hell was he doing with his life and I was ready to just knock the shit out of him.

Here is a man that has the perfect life and he still has to drink. All his problems are systemic form his drinking.

He lives the life I once wanted for Elizabeth and myself. Spending so much time with my cousins made me recall how once upon a time I want children of my own (with Elizabeth)
But to have children and not care for them? Alternatively, to have children and not love your partner. How? He treats his flesh and blood like strangers.

I yelled too loudly and the children ran up a bit scared. I told them all was fine and go back to watching the tele. I don’t think it was good for them to hear their father being yelled at however I was at wits end.

The following day I can’t recall much. We got the printer working…and the man finally didn’t drink...I had to take him over to his legal representation…took the kids out for brunch… I can’t recall much else.

The final day (my fourth) was a Sunday and I was egger to go home.

My parents were to visit my house in the city , A friend was to leave the country and I would not be seeing them for a few months so I also wished to see them off. Moreover, I just wanted to change my clothes and sleep in my own bed.

I thought the situation was doable however now...everyone was painfully sober.
The fights broke out and what have you. I was stuck.

Later in the day the lady of the house and the two girls went off to church while the middle child and the guys staid at home. We were putting out Christmas lights and the father was fine but the child not so much. It wasn’t that bad, He just wouldn’t let go of the leaf blower and...then he broke it...few other things.

I t was a scenario in which had I not been present it would have been an ample opportunity for some father son bonding. IT was nice to see him taking my advice and working on the house. Keeping himself busy.

I was told by the lady of the house not to leave in her absence. So I staid, I hung lights and I tired to keep the kid in line. Later His father said he wanted a bagel and said he’d go for a walk and get a few. This was his test. My and the kid went inside where the kid set a pot of tea and started doing dishes ..I was awe struck. As I said, He has his moments.

I kept an eye to the bay windows and tried to see which direction he left in and was coming back in…When he did finally return I was pleasantly surprised to find him sober. He had an opportunity to drink and he didn’t take it.

When the lady of the house finally came back unfortunately it was at the head of a convoy filled with company. I was not going to back in NY on time so I called the appropriate channels and disappointed once again my mother who visits perhaps once every 2 years.

Night had fallen the guest had left and on my way out the lady jammed a fist full of cash in to my hands and called it gas money. She seemed grateful though I can’t be sure of my worth to her on this trip. I wished the children farewell and told them to be in bed by 9:00 as it was a school night…. In the defiance of children they screamed 9:30 as I stepped out the door.

The Sober escorted me to my car where I wished him well.

I hope he stays well. If I didn’t car I wouldn’t invest all time in to it as I do

I just hope this time around he stays sober. (I actually like him when he’s sober)

¶ 12/18/2004 04:31:00 AM //

I'm back at the house in NY...

I was in the bermuda triangle of the tri state area.

long story for another time...
I'll just post what I have from last time and ..blah blah blah

¶ 12/18/2004 02:29:00 AM //

About a week after the 1st dream with Elizabeth I find myself having another one…

The carry a similar theme… that we get back together, but just the thought really crushes me because I know she has already moved on, ..oh so long ago did she move on while I still dwell. I am incapable of loving so deeply then simply having to let go. She is stronger than me..than most..thats why she can do so much that I can not. Her will is greater.

The dream…

It was pleasant in an odd sort of way…It was a scenario where we had been together forever..as though we were never apart. It felt very at ease.

We were at the house in Connecticut but everything was a bit off, perhaps in hindsight the rooms may have been inversed. My father was up and I saw him off to bed and in the adjacent room laid my dear sweet Elizabeth. The room seemed a bit smaller than I was accustom to.

The room was a bit dark and she pulled me down on to the bed to kiss me goodnight.
It was a kiss goodnight that lasted 15 minutes, I kept trying to stop her because I was worried about my parents in the other room. I think we had separate sleeping quarters for the night.

She was just so sweet and would give me this look and I would be lost. , I would forget about my parents and just close my eyes as well and lose myself.

I so desperately wanted to sleep with her (in a innocent fashion) I just wanted to lay next to her but I knew if I did I would not get up in the middle of the night and go to my quarters.

So I kissed her one last time on the forehead and wished her sweet dreams.

As I pulled away everything went cold…then I woke up.

The dreams was a bit odd in that Elizabeth seemed to have a tan. Which is odd because I don’t recall Elizabeth taking to tanning all too well. Perhaps it was just that the room was dark.

I also noticed when I woke up the electric blanket had clicked off. At this time I made the observation that I have very little body heat of my own. It seems my body emanates very little to no heat.

I used to love placing my cheek against Elizabeth’s because she used to always be so warm.. it was really… amazing. She was always so soft so warm, so welcoming. She would never ask me to stop as I feared at times she might have. I used to love playing with her hair…She would be on top of me and her hair would fall around my face so as to create a small private space between us.

I miss the little things.


I don’t know what these dreams mean but I do hope for the best though I know I shouldn’t.
I realize these dreams only serve to give me false hope and I hate them for that ..but I do cherish them.

Maybe they are omens, maybe they are nothing more than dreams…but I can dream right? (literally)

¶ 12/15/2004 01:24:00 AM //

It seems the episode which happened a few weeks ago was not a single occurrence.
These sort of things I found out happen on a bi-weekly basis and tend to focus themselves around the holidays (thanksgiving).

The same family member decided to vanish for a few days however in his drunken state he did not default to his normal behavior and retreat to safe house.

I tired to track him down via his mobile(s) however GPS is sort of useless if you lose your cell phone.

I located the new owner of his cell phones and borderline interrogated him and later set up a meet for which he failed to show. Evidence would conclude that he was in on it but I can not confirm this as “Ron” failed to show up for the meet.

The godfather was sort of involved on the operation from the get go. My involvement was only as a precautionary measure and… the entire bit about “once you know you can’t leave”
I felt as though I was force fed the red pill (it was red right?)

I received a call that said family member had been located about 78 hours after the notification of his disappearance and was asked to suit up and be ready as a car would be sent to pick me up. I again would find myself on escort duty to bring him home.

I went prepared and was armed , especially in light of the events that happened the last time.

When the car pulled up I was a bit shocked as it was the man himself driving me in to the city. On the way over words were had and I got to know my role/rank. I thank god they only see me as a child (their words) and they felt my involvement was not needed however my actions on the last situation showed my value. Furthermore I learned my father had offered my unconditional services (thanks father). Also I found out they think I’m gay…
which is really really bad news, not just for myself but my parents as well.

They were located about a block of where “Ron” had reported finding one of 2 cell phones which made me question a few things.

We found the van and later found “R” (not “Ron”) who had been entrusted with a slew of others to hunt down said family member and keep an eye over him.

In what is quickly becoming a family tradition I find myself in the rain , in the middle of the street on thanksgiving (nice to be with the Family) trying to referee a shouting match…the drunk vs. himself vs. everyone. Only the drunk yelled.

I was offered a 2 car escort to take said member to the same undisclosed location however I declined and was given a unspoken freedom by his mother. (the diplomacy of the branch is simply outstanding)

On the way up I changed by tone… it went form the “Yes Sir, No Sir” he was used to, to the strict tone I take with clients who won’t listen.
The entire way up we talked and I lectured more than I should have however it was necessary. Later I found out there was still alcohol in the unit so I pulled over perhaps a dozen places to throw it over yet he constantly would warn of cameras in a drunken paranoia till I finally threw it out the window. At which point he fell silent.

I was not going to take orders from him and prolong the situation.

In public he later got a bit disobedient however since he was in plain view there was little I could do. He literally spent a hour talking up strangers and only left when he saw 2 cruisers pull up (police).

We finally made it to said location when he refused to open the door then I had to grab him and tell him to grow the fuck up be a man and face his wife and repent for his sins.

We went inside for what was a drag out free for all argument to which I once again had to referee.

In his drunken state there was no scene in reasoning with him , on the other hand his wife is a very strong woman and not one who seems to back down from such encounters or give free rides. She gave him a fraction of what he had coming and yet if you asked him for the play by play it would have been along the lines of a crucifixion.

Calls were made, I was told by the godfather to pacify him by any means necessary.
Now this had me taken aback a bit. I realize sometimes things a cryptic on purpose .. was I to simply shut him up or was I to permanently shut him up? This man does speak too much when he drinks but.. a hit form his father? It is not unlike the family to do such things and preemptively take out those who talk out of school.

I decided to take the safe route. Better have them deal with it than have family blood on my hands.

I mediated what I could however I could not have had such a stellar performance as I had before as now I found my self with a bias. I could not counter argue points as once I did. I could not have the same positive outlook as I once did.

Hours passed and everyone went to sleep and there I was… tired ready to fall yet I could not sleep. When I sleep I tend to fill the sheets with blood and this being a sanctuary of the family I could not get away with such acts here. I could not let them know of my secrets/illnesses. Thus I went to bed yet stayed awake the entire night through.


In the morning I woke up to find my face peeling however there was little I could do. I applied was products I could find yet I could not leave the location for the haven of a pharmacy or even hotel.

I was informed the night before to expect company in the morning. Thus I was in a bit dire straights however hoped to slide under the radar.

Around 11 the yelling was in full swing and I thanked god I had the keys to all the cars/ weapons. (keys which I had to literally fight for the night before). At the door came my parents.

I wished them well and they likewise. They also saw me as a lost child in a adult scenario.

I did not expect respect form them , and none was given, however we played our rehearsed drama out in front of the other branch to show that we were “normal”.

An hour or so later the godfather and co rolled up and he brought me a cheese cake.
Every one sat around and for a while I ate my cake and they all glossed over how I had grown up over night, (this is exactly what I did not want to have happen). It was a welcome change. They went in to again how the American generation of the family was in contrast to the others.

After I had finished my cake I was asked to go and watch TV by the man himself and the smiles dissipated form everyone’s face as they turned to what I will from now refer to as the drunken sailor. (freshly sober)

A few hours later I was told to get ready to leave, as I passed I saw a shattered man mentally ripped form limb to limb. Mental raping is a family tradition (along with fights on cold rain nights in the streets of NYC)

The godfather was to drive me home as he lives not too far from where I reside in the city.

On the way back we stopped at a pizzeria where he told me my Aunt loves the pizza.
In a act that only further cements the notion of his brilliant diplomacy he bought me half a pie for dinner. That in conjunction with the cheesecake.

The attention to detail in his words and notions impress me to no end.

How could such a brilliant man have fathered such a disgrace?

I was dropped off at home where they wished me well and thanked me for my services.

All I could do was reconfirm my fathers offer and tell them I had men who were ready if they found further action was necessary (to which they enquired previously)

Had this been the last time I would have deemed it all worth it.
However it was not and my creditability suffers as a result… but that’s another post for another time.

¶ 12/12/2004 11:04:00 PM //

Why do you search for info on Elizabeth , Boston and Sex?

So you visit here and there and then you snoop?

don't make me go hunting...

As I told Apuyou

"Antarctica was not built for you.

There will be NO measure to how fast , how furious , how
indiscriminating my retribution will be distributed unto you if I see
any information from Antarctica brought forth against ERS.

If this is not you , can only suggest you monitor your IP
address/computer better However if it is, You have been warned, This
is a fight which will be brought to your door step and spill over in to your home"

I have nothing to lose and in ridding her of one enemy will be a death worth wild.

Not only do I find you to be in violation of her sacred ground but I find you deeply deeply offensive.

If the RIAA can find you...

¶ 12/11/2004 08:47:00 PM //

I dreamt such wonderful dreams… I don’t know why, or how but …wonderful, Such a sharp contrast from my day to day existence.

Even when I was with Elizabeth… I used to have the same dream over and over of being the only black knight vs a white cloaked righteous army. This is usually the case to this date. I have this dream almost every night. Though I would sadly rarely dream of Elizabeth.

Over the years I have had only a handful of dreams which involved Elizabeth. Though it could be claimed she is present in spirit in greater numbers. Though physical cameos are rare. There was the one before we met… she was in a red flowing gown… one which I can’t repeat , and a few which escape me.

Though 2-3 nights ago.. after over a year with no dreams involving Elizabeth… It was so wonderful… there was Elizabeth and we were together, a bit older however still young.
We never said a word to each other we just walked around… everything was so bright, She seemed so happy, I was so happy.

I stopped in to a shop and bought an engagement ring. It was a 3ct. Square cut.. very simple yet beautiful.

We walked for what seemed a lifetime… just smiling… I held her hands. I had almost forgotten how soft and delicate they were. Flawless… I played with her “holes” the point where her wrist met her hand… I would study her hand and slow my pace till she would give me a loving look and she would pull me along side her every time I would get too entranced in them.

I am still to this day bewildered by her beauty. How? One person just so flawless. Character, intelligence, bravery , beauty set aside for only mythological figures.

Later a friend of hers was there… I did not see his face however he was responsible for all that happened.. and a dark corner…I kneeled in the darkness, they stood in the light.
In a joking fashion I proposed to him… after all he was responsible for all that happened and I owed him my very breath.

Elizabeth looked on and she smiled. She looked like an angel… she was so elegant in her gestures, a dream a kin to her reality.

She did not take the ring, he did not take the ring, she pulled me up from the darkness and pulled me to her side as we walked away… in the light.


Such dreams are bad for my mental well being… but I could not wish for in a million lifetimes such a wonderful poison. I wake up from such dreams and for a moment I smile then my heart crumples.

I clean the blood from the sheets and get on with my day.. these treasured dreams only make it harder.

¶ 12/08/2004 11:47:00 PM //

I try, I really do. In light of every notion of happiness being removed from my life I strive to find some sort of satiety, some sort of form of happiness that is beyond me. So I no longer need to focus on myself , whom I so passionately hate as I once used to passionately love (love Elizabeth, never myself) Thus when I saw this I sort of had to buy it. After all, If someone with such grossly negligent parents as to bestow a normal name but curse the child with an abnormal spelling can write a book on happiness. Well anything is possible then… right?



I thought Anything was worth a try…and I figured that even in light of my impending doom riding in fast , I had 8 minutes I could give for happiness.



Well for safe measure I was feeling a bit slow, so I gave it a few extra minutes…



Maybe I am just not receptive to such concepts as grand as “happiness” maybe it needs a few more minutes? I’ll give an extra 20 minutes for “happiness”




God I know I’m thick headed at times but ok…. Maybe I need to sleep on it…and just as Santa left gifts on Christmas morning I shall awake at ease with myself and with a inextinguishable inner glow that shall replace it self with the happiness as bestowed once by Elizabeth now only occupied by the dark gapping hole which once upon a time was occupied by my heart.



Or not…. Oh silly me.. forgot to read the fine print … I forgot to add the semi-vital components.






In reality I have all but given up on the notion of happiness and believe it’s for those whom are more so worthy. I feel I really don’t have enough time left to focus on petty items such as self fulfillment, happiness and such. So I must aspire to in what time I have left trying to solve some of the…I can only say more “epic problems” of the family faction. I also need to put my personal house in order before I leave. That I believe I did when Elizabeth left… when suicide was a sledge hammer, pounding in to my head every day… now it still pounds however I tune it out. I’ll have to write a note to check with my legal representation on a contingency plan as Elizabeth will never authorize the paper work. I suppose I’ll give everything to my brother/ his heirs.

For the life of me (literally) I can’t understand why I am still here. I should have died by now… This not from a perspective of all I have seen/ all I have done, but rather from a medical perspective. This is not in correlation to all the times I’ve been beaten/shot/stabbed/dragged from moving cars, etc but rather form the rate at which I was told the cancer was spreading and what would happen if I elected to not have any treatment.


Bah this was meant a chance at comedy which failed…I am just not very funny.
My current readings... look more a kin to

¶ 12/02/2004 08:58:00 AM //