A few weeks ago now I was on my was back to NY and coincidently A overseas head of house was seeking to seek Canada (his brother lives there) and he needed to stop by the Canadian embassy in NY.. SO I found myself chauffeuring them around. I knew it was a holiday but it didn’t dawn on m till we got stuck in traffic which holiday it was.

As we drove through the city I noticed a lot of flags… A LOT of flags… and we arrived at our destination 1251 Ave. of the Americas. Canadian embassy.

My relation went in whilst I parked the car. Normally A designated person would watch the cars however there was an abnormally high amount of state department activity and I was still trying to figure out what holiday it was.

He came out fairly quickly and we ventured off to do a bit of shopping, I will admit reluctantly I did get them lost in the underground layers of Rockefeller center, but the important thing is they never knew it.

I hate driving… (once I used to love it but no longer) yet I was the anointed driver for the day.

Well after our adventures in shopping We found our selves crossing a town draped in the American flag on the way to the Avenue of the Americans till we hit 5th ave. Which happened to be host to the Veterans day parade… A proper show of patriotism.

Half an hour later we were aloud to cross after being put on a show which seemed to beg of us not to leave our beloved America and I parked the car and went down in to what can only be described as a scene out of a movie which involves an underground resistance. The Canadian embassy is entered via going downstairs in to a windowless lobby (see: basement) to which was host to standing room only and packed to the brim with a mass exodus. It was more of an assembly line really. They weren’t even conducting the interviews.

Now I am decimated over the election as the next blue stater… I have been on the receiving end of more than one phone calls from sobbing friends but… I never expected this. I tried to take a photo only to have the amazing security staff point out that photography was not permitted. At which point I pointed out the abandoned suitcase in the middle of the lobby which had been left unintended well over an hour ago (since we had dropped off the passport to be stamped)

¶ 11/29/2004 03:44:00 PM //

Well I may have exaggerated a bit… however the episode which lasted 4-5 days made me wish I had more of a “domestic” family.

I had a family member come to my door at about 6 in the morning… which considering who it was ... well it was an oddity out of the blue.
This person I had not seen for years until perhaps a month prior where his branch was invited to my parents home, whom I happened to be visiting at the time.

Nothing at location white could have foretold the events to come nor was there any inkling as to my future involvements in this branch. I am considered an outsider even amongst the immediate family. To the rest of the faction as well as other factions I would be considered more of a novelty. Once the wild child/black sheep of the family now trying to simply fade away… an act which up until the most recent episode I was fairly sure I was succeeding in.

Side note: Some of the older heads always used to refer to my brother as I as the Americans of the family and how caring the Americans were...but that was many years ago.

Well..6 in the morning a family member came to my door drunk and in tears and a state of total disarray. Outside his car shattered and apparently along with his his self esteem. This person comes from a line in the family while not being very strong or even tall are certainly know for their far superior intellect. These people as geniuses and masterminds. I used to think I was smart (IQ 161) but nay… these people are the true movers and shakers that work in the shadows. Our branch is a bit quick to act as my fathers temper is a kin to a short fuse. Their branch holds the godfather. A branch to which my rank unfortunately has been established. I am not aware of what this ranking is however I would have preferred to been left out of the rank as know I will certainly be held to a certain level of responsibility that I do not seek.

The tangents are engulfing the post….

Well over the next few days I tried my best to clean him up and keep him sober however since he outranks me by leaps and bounds, he would pull rank on me and have another drink which dramatically prolonged the incident. Also over the course of the next few days I was lead on what I could only describe as a roller coaster both mentally , emotionally as well as in reality. I played chauffer and occasionally the role of bodyguard as I drove him all over the city. The role of security is not one I should ever be placed in, considering my designated position, However I have received the proper training and was equipped for the situation. Though I strongly felt the need to call in reinforcements for the duration of said conducted operations. I felt very vulnerable in a logistical capacity being the only capable person with only one transport. It was a situation in which I would have asked for at lest 12 men and 4 units.

At one point I lost track of the felonies and possible multiple life sentences the both of us would surly endure. The places we ventured to in the city where even the NYPD Hercules teams dare not venture with out preemptively dropping a MOAB upon.

In his drunken state he should be confined to a room… his lips let slip far too many secrets. Secrets I wish I had not heard. As a result the view upon the Family as an organization is grossly damaged. Some items I already had inklings of however I did not seek the confirmations in which I did receive. Also there was a fair share of disinformation to which I could not find the source of but was able to see right through.

Perhaps on day 3 after spilling his guts he asked of my problems… I let slip of a wonderful girl I once knew… however no details would I dare let out.
This person is after all heir to a branch of the faction with unfathomable power and rank. In a few years time when he comes to power he could … well if these days were any indication of things to come, god help us all. I saw all that is wrong and vile in this family.

It has also further cemented, to a point which is near irreversible my firm intentions not to have any children nor to ever seek any sort of romance.
I made promises to Elizabeth which I do fully intend on keeping , and back then.. I was a bit braver in my fantasies of domestication in my love induced state of intoxication. The fear that I may fail as a head of a newly formed branch is far too great. What I fear even more so is being a poor husband and father. I will not commit upon my children the sins my forefathers have invoked upon their spawn, my superiors.

As the situations stands now… I find my self having to dispose of numerous damaged vehicles, and a newly designated responsibility to replace them out of pocket.
A potential to lose vast sums of liquid assets as their branch has ,despite it’s surreal , whimsical , picture perfect like facade are in dire fiscal problems in light of such episodes. I concurred in his choice not to approach the godfather as such news will only serve to place undo tension upon an already tenuous balance which we all try to lead (even I on the outside trying to escape the black hole ) Though he is after all the godfather. spies abound, he already knows everything. I bet if you placed him in charge of the CIA in place of the partisan bickering / resignation provoking of Gosse you would have found bin laden.

During the episode there were more than on one occasion which we were followed by said persons in a recon type action as more likely than not dictated form above. Upon further reflection , in the oddest of circumstances would I find myself staring in to the same set of eyes and I would whisk said family member from location to location.

The fiasco ended with a X hour drive to a undisclosed remote location and a proper sit down with the branch. Said talks did not involve any discussion of logistics. Such talk was felt to be trite by myself at the time. I felt there was no more I could do and may have in fact done too much however my further involvement without doubt has seemingly become an inevitable ongoing occurrence , a burden which my shoulders shall be forced to bear be it that they can not even support their own weight.

I would not be surprised to see a untimely death if such actions continue on his part. Such actions have been under taken by the faction in the past , thus the urgency in dealing with such matters. Such incidents rarely occur state side , but in this family one never can solely reside within the 1st world for long, and even the 1st world is not in of itself a guarantee of protection. In this family we do not let lose lips sink ships, rather we preemptively sink the lips.

Sometimes I hate being forced in to the strong facade. I miss having the reassurance of her loving arms. I miss not having to always be strong.
I wish I still had Elizabeth to speak to. …

Christ! I have cancer, I’ve been tortured, stabbed, shot multiple time , had RPG’s launched at me, suffer from sleep paralysis every night , my heart aches more and more very day , inside and out my body is dying , and yet I can’t tell a soul, I don’t have a shoulder to cry on, yet I am finding myself being responsible for more and more people…

¶ 11/21/2004 03:16:00 AM //

Blame Rockstar. I have become enthralled with GTA San Andreas… to a point that I just forced myself to stop. Literally 8-10 hours a day of shooting killing, pillaging, razing the state of San Andreas to the ground and I find myself troubled.. my conciuse is catching up to me and I find myself feeling bad for people I kill in the game. This is really pathetic on my part. I have done so many unspeakable things in reality and …this is getting to me?

I also feel the ps2 may be on it’s last legs as a result. I reverted to using the hard drive despite occasional lock ups to combat the potential for developing disc read errors.

The game however is AMAZING , it continues to consistently impress me and I have yet to make it to Los Ventures


It may be time for an extended break.

I also went to CT for a week or so to engage in functions held by the house. Such functions are deemed pointless by my brother and I, We believe they serve only to unnecessarily make a prominent show of face so as not to fall off the social scene all together. Though in preparation for the said event I was amazed to find my brother had laid a new wood floor in my fathers project room. On the last day of my stay I contributed to the room and bought what I would consider a very nice door for the room and in the freezing cold with aid from my father we installed the door and it’s housing. I am very impressed with the end results as was my father. My mother however we could not speak for.

The incident which happened around the beginning of the month also took a few solid days…

There was the escorting of overseas faction heads…

I went to the Canadian embassy…

Ummmm…those are my excuses… I’ll go in to some details regarding the incident a bit later.

¶ 11/20/2004 04:22:00 AM //

¶ 11/02/2004 06:31:00 PM //