I have written about this before … and I’ll hope it’s the final time I will however…I must.

I love this country, I consider myself an American. Others will argue against it, and even when I was younger... I never got italin - Americans or Hispanic-Americans or African-Americans... so on and so forth. I mean... migrations constantly happen… have you ever heard of an American Romanian? Or a Russian-African? (Implying someone moved from America/Russia to Romanian/Africa) also… Africa isn’t a country…and then...if your from Africa your black but if your from Jamaican (per say) your not black… wtf?

People say Colin Powell is not black…


Ok this took a wrong turn… I’m not racist nor am I trying to convey racist thoughts... I am however dismayed at the labels which we try to label ourselves in.

I am dismayed at where we are as a country. The last 4 years just seem like a bad dream.
How can I live in a place where the good 46% of people are just so ignorant? 41% of the nation still thinks Iraq planned 9.11

I am going to miss living in a superpower. I am going to miss the air of arrogance associated with referring to myself as an American.

This used to be such a wonderful country and now it’s run by neo-cons and an administration who only feeds upon and breeds ignorance. A dangerous ignorance.
an ignorance which carries a big stick and swings blindly.

Bush in 04 means Syria/Iran in the upcoming years.

There is a scary but yet all too real is the biblical relevance to all that is happening.

God help us all, and god bless America

¶ 10/30/2004 03:44:00 PM //

It’s been about a week or two. I was at the point where I thought nothing could shock me, the heat looked like it just died on me and I would have to install a new one (that makes every major system in the house with the exception of plumbing in the last 2-3 months, the house as of late reflects my body as of late…umm my plumbing works too)

I was on one of my 72 hour working frenzies about to collapse and I just hit the bed, the labtop next to me and I was staring at the ceiling… trying to recall my name when the door bell rang. I ran downstairs got my parcel from UPS and headed back up and then I saw it…

On my labtop staring me straight in the face… the blue screen of death! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not the ubertop! … the darth vader of labtops… my thinkpad went down for the count.

I think the hard drive went bad, I have some sort of ntfs.sys error, the screen flashes so quick I had to make a movie of it with the camera and view the file frame by frame.

Needless to say any problem I come across is fairly undocumented and Microsoft says “1st boot in to windows” and I feel like strangling the neck of the copy editor in Washington.

I hooked it up to the beast (desktop) but to no avail, and I even got a external enclosure for it but to no avail. Be it any system,(one of the labtops/desktop) as soon as I hook up the drive it passes along what I call "the kiss of death" and the blue screen of death gets transferred. The moment the new system recognizes the alien drive its out of the game.

End result is I lost a lot of posts, a lot of archived items, ..a lot of photos...well its been pretty much devastating..(though I thought if this day ever cam I would take it harder) I ordered a new hard drive, and I am using the second ThinkPad, the Vaio is going off to a friend of P’s who had a situation with her labtop, so I’m trying to play it conservatively… Though I was the utmost conservative with the original ThinkPad. I used to call it the republican of the computer systems.

So as of now… next week I should get the new drive for the original ThinkPad.
The week after I’ll be away for perhaps a week or two. When I return I’ll probably be a typical male glued to the big screen, shooting, killing, pillaging, and razing cities to the ground (god bless Rockstar and the developers of GTA: San Andreas.. can’t you already smell the testosterone in the air? )

This week I’m working on saving the old drive…

¶ 10/24/2004 08:50:00 AM //

Some problems are just mundane... others... I can only assume they are related to the cancer.

I have developed blotches.. I see 2 but there may be more. about the size of a silver dollar and they are really hard and the skin is really terrible (well its terrible all over. but worse on the blotches) Sort of like someone spilled Teflon on them let it dry and now it’s peeling.

Also on more than one occasion I wake up and my face and hair will be caked in a generous helping of dry blood as are the sheets. It’s most likely coming form my mouth or my nose .. I can’t be sure but all I know it is at lest a good half pint to a pint at a time. I’m guessing internal bleeding. Occasionally when I blow my nose there will be a good helping of blood. Sometimes when I drink milk absent mindedly it will turn pink without my knowing about it.
When I go to the bathroom.. be it 1, or 2.. always blood. It’s as though the blood is trying to get out any way it can.

My ears… well one ear has the cyst, which I preformed mini series surgeries on (now only twice a week) to make it seem normal and now, I can’t hear out of the other one (which seems odd)

The hallucinations are pretty bad… I know they are hallucinations and it is from the sleep paralysis…. But maybe the cancer? I can’t be sure as the cancer is in the brain(last I check as of a few months ago) so.. I suppose there is no telling in the way it effects certain parts of the body. I can only imagine it’s shutting down some systems as it’s going along, rendering them useless. However sleep paralysis is something I’ve had since the incident in the Baltic’s.

All I can say is a look disgusting, I see things before I go to sleep and I wake up caked in my own blood.

It’s no wonder suicide becomes more and more of a lingering thought.
It’s no wonder this happened to me…I push and push and my body/mind finally snapped.

I have no one to confine in anymore... it is another reason why I write here.
My friends ..many have died…my best friend left me…and I am left alone with my worst enemy (myself) .

I know I have to keep in honoring the family behind doors as well as in public but…sometimes I just long for arms to cry in. I long to be home in her arms again where I felt so safe. That however was a different reality, and a different version of myself.

Such scenarios can never be more than pleasant day dreams.

I have urges now, to cut in to my arm and peel off the flesh, to do it with my bare hands.
To smash my face against walls. To take a rotary saw to my skull…. to cut off my fingers.

I can’t say why I have these urges, in part I assume it is because I so deeply resent, and hate myself. That I rage so fiercely against myself. Perhaps in a effort to punish myself for all the harm I’ve done to Elizabeth and the family I have only served to tarnish , even in my exiled state.

Perhaps it’s the notion that I am not of any value to any person outside of a government affiliation in a emotional capacity and my physical currency as direct result is appraised at roughly nothing.

I am nothing
I amount to nothing
I will only aspire to become nothing
And ultimately I will be nobodies nothing.

Oh how nothing seems like such a pleasant dream compared to where I now stand.

¶ 10/15/2004 02:48:00 PM //

A week or so ago I guess karma decided to shine a bit my way.. I can’t recall all theat happened...

Someone must have wrote sucker on my mail box

I recall donating to charities.. Ironically enough it was a cancer institute… I figure just because I do not wish to seek a cure does not mean I should stop others. and I should assist them. So they received a nice check . They sent me nice return address labels...they make me feel old but I thought it was nice of them… otherwise they may not have gotten anything from me.

The fiasco with the house still continues and the roof has yet to be fixed however I’ve drawn up plans that involves integrating a drawer system in to the crawl space (huge) in the both walk in closets in my bedroom.
Also the meter situation with con ed may have also found itself a solution. I don’t want to jinx it so … I’ll speak of it later if it works out.

If it does It means I save a few thousand usd, So as a direct result I will donate 5,000 usd to a local food bank. (they sent me a letter asking for 10 usd… and I will do better than that regardless) …someone must have wrote sucker on my mail box.

Suits

I also ordered a few new French cuff shirts for the upcoming social events which are being held by our faction of the family. My father stressed the importance of me showing up and offered to send a envoy to get me (see: kidnap) from NY… I was thinking of going for “cosmopolitan suburbanite”

Well lo and behold when I received my order in the mail from my tailor (who relocated to Europe ) I received a fairly large parcel and when I opened it… a suit. (I did not order) … I was a bit dismayed so I thought I would wait a day .. however as the suit hung there I sort of got curious and I tried it on… it was a perfect fit.

I ordered perhaps 1,000usd worth of shirts (4) however this suit must have been worth at lest 3,000usd
Perhaps 2 hours later I went back downstairs and there was another parcel on the coffee table. Lo and behold it was the shirts…I called my tailor and he said I could just keep the suit…(so free suit.)

Norelco

I was eyeing a new shaver (but there is simply no high end that I can see available to us civilians) and I saw a t970…it was like my old one however it had a vacuum… to pick up the trimmings.

I dismissed it and wanted my old one (which was out to repair) Same day I received the suit I received the T970 in the mail from Norelco (from 20 miles away yet it still came via JFK) ...umm it was bitter sweet. It lacks the workmanship or the t990 and feels cheap overall. However The vacuum really helps with clean up time (not perfect but it helps)

Evictions and unexpected cash flows.

I had to evict a few tenants over the con ed fiasco (which I will try to keep provided the above mentioned plan works out) and just out of seemingly nowhere I am receiving large healthy envelopes to replenish the safe.
I can’t go in to details however … what gets left over form the charities I hope to keep. (minus a small spree I went on…covered in later posts but huge mod to the ps2)

A lot of things along these lines kept happening throughout the week. but all flights much touch down eventually.

¶ 10/14/2004 02:26:00 AM //

\Some days.. I can keep my head down,. something will happen that will require hard work and leadership and thus I find myself in my element…I just keep working, I obsesses over details I push myself to the breaking point and try to snap myself.

Be it the simplest of tasks I will try and go over every detail… Example when I clean.. . Everything gets cleaned...down to the silver trim on the knobs of the washing machine getting polished, the light bulbs in the chandelier dusted so on and so forth.

Then come the moments where I am left alone with my thoughts…example in the shower…I have no where left to go.

Water as I’ve noted before burns… however my thoughts still wonder and today I caught myself fighting back what little emotion I have left. It is a sign of weakness for me to cry, to break down. It shows that I still care. It is caring that leads me to my agony. That lead me up this path of … what I can only describe as the yellow brick road that lead me to a waiting room to see death…now I wait…but what a wonderful walk it was.

I try hard not to care. I try not to care about her yet …Its more than something I elect to do. It has become my very nature, my essence to cherish and care about her. I do not know how to stop loving her. I tried so very hard .

I beat my self, I stabbed myself, I stick needles in to my flesh through the other side and heat the needles with blow torches to train myself to not love her. To try and detract form my emotional heartache and worry about the physical pain. In some sick ploy to train myself that she is responsible for this pain and so in theory I should not care about her.

The mind yells and the heart refuses to listen and the body suffers. It does not work.

My life is amiss without her. It was all so eloquently planed. I saw the tribulations of entrusting such a plan to her and I even expressed such concerns…but the lies , the lies now only serve to haunt me.

My life is a frantic race to the finish. There are no goals, no dreams, no hopes, no aspirations, Only the maddening wait till the end. The emotional void is something I still continue to try and replicate as it was before her. I try to become the same uncaring cold hearted person. I fight to rid myself of love for her.. love for anyone.

I try and concern myself with the “lighter side” to be a mindless zombie as the rest. However it just seems I can’t get a good grasp on vanity. I so desperately want to be a mindless zombie… They all seem so happy.

I forget what it was to be happy.

Why are endless pools of love not enough?

I see my sun setting yet I want to reach out to the sky and yank it down, force it in to the horizon of my life so I may sleep… sleep and become void. To rid myself of love and coincidently pain even if it means to rid myself of life as well.

Everyday without her is a life time and I do not seek to become immortal in my suffering.

¶ 10/08/2004 07:37:00 PM //

Intelligence = sexy

Everything comes full circle. Elizabeth was perhaps the most brilliant person I have ever met on all fathomable levels outside of politics and vice. Her intelligence was just such and incredible turn on. It was so refreshing to see a pretty smile that was not backed up by a void. She was beautiful on so many levels.. and I could go on but I will try and refrain.

Men our pigs so it’s harder to prove my point using women as an example. However take say… Jon Stewart, Charlie Rose, Peter Jennings, even Henry Kissinger.

Jon is happily married however women still swoon over him. The next 2 seem to really get around while Henry I don’t know about , however in his day,…


Jon on Rose

I just finished watching Jon on Charlie Rose and he has a uncanny ability to put things just so eloquently. Some take him at face value however he is just so smart in his arena.
Two things which caught my ear were…

1. His show takes knowledge for granted.(his words) It’s not enough to sit down and watch his show. You have to be up to date on current events and you have to know your history (at least a bit of it) It’s like listening to your favorite college professor lecture. It’s fascinating but only if you did your homework.

IE: if you didn’t know Chile had it’s own 9.11 courtesy of the CIA , you are likely to miss a few of the puns/ jokes.

2. What he thought about the media in relation to lying politicians, or rather what should happen. It’s his ability to break things down which makes his show so accessible.

Politicians doing what they do are a kin to monkeys in a zoo. Monkeys sit and throw shit at everything/ passersby, and people tend to go “ Well it’s a monkey what did you expect?”

The media should every now and then go “bad monkey!”

When I think of George Bush and his tactics…that’s exactly what I think ... “BAD MONKEY!”

BTW: His book “America: the book” is hilarious… I heard it compared to the onion however, I say NAY. His book is far superior to the onion. (have you read it lately? )


Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson is just so animated when he speaks!
I noticed this in terms of his gestures and movements… I sort of neglected the fact that Homer is animated…(thus I thought it sort of funny, thus I have one again proven what I say to all… I am not funny/ having a sense of humor does not in direct correlation imply that one is in fact funny.

Viva Antarctica!

a republic for the penguins, by the penguins
under polar bear , with seals and (Something) for all

For some reason I was thinking of this just before the debate (Kerry vs. Bush) started

I was waiting for Kerry to mess it up however… I was pleasantly surprised. ?Near flawless , a sharp contrast to Bush’s performance which was severely lacking in every category and sub category thereof.


Water.

I may have mentioned this...perhaps not.

Water burns. It seems to sear my skin in places.
On my face specifically, however not exclusively. I thought perhaps it was just the water in the house but I took a shower at my parents house a few weeks ago and the same. They have a entire dedicated room to water filtration with all the bells and whistles which is sort of reminisce of a Tom Clancy submarine movie. (maybe shinier)

It’s not the products I’m using so I can only assume it’s the cancer.
After I shower there is just so much discoloration and in spots my skin becomes almost like a thin membrane. In some places water feels like a scouring pad. It’s not the temperature as I’ve tried cold and hot showers with the same results.

The only concern is make up/crèmes no longer serve to hide the problems.
Thus when I have functions I can’t shower the day before otherwise it becomes noticeable.

Granted I wished for a expedited honorable death and received a semi expedited dishonorable death. I just hope I don’t get found out. I hope I can slip away unnoticed, leaving as small of an impression as possible. Dreams of heroics are realized to be falsities. Reality I see for what it is however… please just let them not find out … let me just slip away. Let no one ever find out(about this and so much more). May my life, my plague upon the house of my families name be extinguished in the shadows. May it no longer tarnish those around it. May it only to serve to undo the damage, the harm that it has inflicted/ paid witness to.



The notion of what I was trying to say here escapes me at the moment…thus “meh”

the illusion that someone cares
the illusion that it matters
the fantasy that it makes any difference

it doesn’t


Ma nom es….
I forgot my name… I don’t know why but I was sitting and I sort of forgot what my name was… I looked over to my paper work and tried to recall it however… I never write my name. Only my initials and then last name. My signature is more so a scribble than anything else so that didn’t help. I had to think back to conversations and it was like “hi my name is --BLEEP--.” As though it was out of kill bill.

I’ll recall it soon enough… (but then again it’s not like I even need it…after all I have been rendered a nobody by the ice princesses (exiled ) thus I am a nobody… maybe I’ll be like Jet Li in hero and call myself ”no body”

-Nobody

¶ 10/04/2004 04:55:00 PM //

I wrote these all few weeks ago… I never finished, Furthermore I don’t feel I can finish as right now I’m in a different place…(mentally/fiscally/emotionally/)

There were more than anticipated, so I decided to split them up.

Part 1 is a bit lighter
Part 2 is a bit darker

I just did a quick skim so... take it with a grain of salt

Thus I bring you the incomplete works of "me" as to rid a few items off of my desktop.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This 1st one was sort of an aborted letter to Kitty K however

1. It revealed too much
2. It was a bit too harsh/real
3. It became more a post than a letter
4. It took on a life of it’s own
5. I can’t finish it (it, it, it, it, it)


Unsent letter


Uncle Sam...

Well… we have all done things in the past for which we are ashamed…Some (me) more so than others.

Some can say they are going to heaven,
Some say they don’t know.

I know... and it’s not heaven.

From the on set I knew that some people wonder their entire lives and they never find love. They find someone who seems "convenient" someone who meets their parameters to which they find suitable and thus they will allow them selves some sort of forced romance , and what the mind deems true , kills the heart and almost becomes true.

Example… a friend I know who will only date those residing in the LES who make at lest 6 figures , who are at lest 6 ft tall , work out multiple times a week , have nice eyes, are easy on the eyes, ... this list goes on and on. And then she adds (as though it was an afterthought) they have to be nice, genuine ,sincere, honest, so on and so forth.

I make the claim the last on the list will be ignored in favor for items which hold propionate positions towards the top of her list. How could you be so shallow then expect the person you list not to be shallow?

Also how do you expect to find love in only .0001% of the population?

I tell her she will find someone like that , she will force herself to fall in love. She will have 2.5 kids a dog and a house in long island (or Connecticut) another vacation house in the Dominican Republic (as is the trend as of late) she will drive an SUV(or SUT), her husband a high end sedan, she will go to the country club every other day to work out. She will have gardeners , house keepers, nannies (a small army of part time domestic servants) and she will be miserable.

Her husband will be just as shallow as she is. When her youth dissipates and her good looks fade, she will realize there was no love… no foundation upon which to build. She will look in to alien eyes before she falls asleep.

He will sleep with his secretary who will be pretty as she once was (but not as pretty ..I didn’t want to hurt her feelings). She will not want to leave such established life behind. She will stick it out. She will grow to accept it was never love… it was convenience.

Some are descended for mediocrity
Others for greatness

Most for happiness

Not every one can be great.
Not everyone can be happy.

Lizard

Heart…aches

Agony of life

The end of the light at the tunnel could not have come soon enough so I crawled out of a swear pipe, through the filth and off the side of the cliff to rid myself of the never ending tunnel filled with perpetual darkness.

It’s not that I hate life, or hate you , I just hate myself and can’t stand to be with/near myself.

Once upon a time in a land far far away I used to want to fight the world, I wanted to right the wrongs, fight for what I felt was right, argue for the disenfranchised and smack the hypocrites upside the head. I lived in a world where the motto was “do as I say not as I do”

All I did was fight… and then I fell in love and all I wanted to do was lay down somewhere peaceful and not listen to the problems of the world.

Still the fight found its way to my doorstep and how I fought to keep it at the door, to never let it enter my house,… so I continued to fight, but not for the same cause, or the same reasons. Rather to protect the perceived innocence of the relationship and while I fought… love snuck out the backdoor.

So when my wars were fought .. enemies vanquished…
My house was empty.. my heart cold. And on the horizon I see the rallying of the troops. And on the other horizon I see death gaining speed. He will out pace the impending doom. He will be here soon so tells me my spies and my bones. He will not be fought off at the door. He will not meet and resistance. He will be welcomed, offered a drink and then I will leave behind everything.

The empty house
The cold heart
The dammed soul
The diseased body.

So don’t tell me I have everything to live for,

Don’t dare stand in shoes other than mine and evoke me by telling me I have everything to live for.

I have nothing to live for.


Content with/in my loneliness


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



My Rage


My rage will not end unto itself thus god has decided to end it via my worst fears, an un honorable death… however my sun has yet to set, I still have the potential to enact upon instincts bestowed at birth. To seek out a rightful death. If I end it even earlier… which in the next 6 months while I still have my strength, I can still be faithful to all my promises be it that they no longer retain the currency they once did. (parties whom these promises have been made to have long since moved on)

Suicide was not on my plate however…

My options are limited. Had I successfully enlisted and gone off to war my options would not be hampered by “society”. I could go renegade and still die a honorable death. Whereas state side… walls are all I see.

Possibly I may decide to travel…

South America, maybe Persia. Places which I could afford to become above the law, and live ,in a sense lawlessly. I did it once upon a time… however only under influence of the family ,whom I would hope doesn’t find out about this until it’s over.

When it’s over is a day I can not wait for. Perhaps the anxiety over dyeing. 6 month 6 month 6 months it’s all that goes through my head. Granted it could be years although… the optimist in me really hopes for the quickest , I really can’t take the pain/anguish of life anymore. This existence can only be described… as terribly painful and very tiring. Once it was ever so blissful but not anymore.

I’ve determined the fruits that were meant for me on the tree of life had either been picked before hand. Or had fallen through my grips. The sapling held so much promise, yet could only be stomped on so many times prior to giving up.

I was always told I would be a cancer on everything I held dear. However now… it is cancer which will kill me. (unless I do something to beat the cancer to the punch) I know it’s a play on words and all however I can’t help but give it a brief moments worth of notice.


Options are very limited… but if I see the baby in the street with the semi truck bearing down…

Well umm no I would do that regardless…

If I see the… dam, everything I come up with I would take unto myself regardless of disease.

Perhaps I’ll build my self a cave… and in it keep pet bats… and …oh it’s been taken?

What if I move to Antarctica.. and hire some post modernist architect and build a fortress of …lets call it solitude… and ..oh that’s been done too?

Well even superman had Miss. Lane.. and Batman was a playboy. Where as I … found love but she was too good for me… she was meant for a certain Mr. Bond.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portugal

I saw this news story on a villa in Portugal...
It had a dyeing population with only a fraction of
The population it once had… one of these small
charming towns.

I saw it and the thought raced through my mind. … Elizabeth and I in the small picturesque town with small streets and charming modest homes. We would wake up in the mornings and venture out, I would head off to the butcher shop her to the market. We would meet at home and I would prepare lunch… dinners we would make together, we would go for walks in the hills over looking the town… just very 60’s… we would still have all the toys.. big screen tv’s computers, laptops but we would never use them. We would be each other’s entertainment… we would read each other books by a tree in the hills. Occasionally we would read our own stories and just lay together as we read... her about viruses (the hot zone) I would perhaps read my paper…political on goings in the world outside of our little life.

The fantasy of domestication goes on and on however… it then hit me.. she left me so long ago.



Later P asked me if I wanted to tag along as they were going to a function held by P.S. 1 (very famous) ..he told me they had parties there every Saturday… it got me to wondering so I googled it and I was a bit wowed and wanted to go some other time (had plans so I couldn’t) then I saw it was affiliated with MOMA
And so I clicked the moma link and there was “
Starry Night”… Elizabeth’s favorite painting. How she adored moma. How she adored Van Goh. It then happen again, I thought of calling her and asking her to come with me but…. What number would I call? She vanished from my life cementing her intent on never wanting to see me again… and once again I am in agony.

I beat the shit out of myself and worked out thinking it would help but… I need something stronger than endorphins. Now all I have are swollen muscles and maybe a broken wrist, bruised and bloody knuckles from punching the bench one too many times.


When I knew her the world was such a beautiful place, flowers flourished, birds sang, everything reminded me of her,…now that she has shunned me, crows wait in the wings, weeds sprout, the sun no longer shines, only blinds through the dark clouds, and every day it rains, every day … yet the grime it never washes away, I’m always dirty.

I’ve explained in the past…but she was so beautiful, such a beautiful person, sometimes I could not stand to look at her , she was ever so radiant, my heart would over flow and my eyes could not comprehend such magnificence.



*as?@fUwatav9zastudrarejuyamazubrezurarustEwrafadetre6pemaphewap

translation…

Asterisk - alpha - sierra - Question - At - foxtrot - UNIFORM - whiskey - alpha - tango - alpha - victor - Nine - zulu - alpha - sierra - tango - uniform - delta - romeo - alpha - romeo - echo - juliet - uniform - yankee - alpha - mike - alpha - zulu - uniform - bravo - romeo - echo - zulu - uniform - romeo - alpha - romeo - uniform - sierra - tango - ECHO - whiskey - romeo - alpha - foxtrot - alpha - delta - echo - tango - romeo - echo - Six - papa - echo - mike - alpha - papa - hotel - echo - whiskey - alpha - papa

¶ 10/02/2004 07:33:00 AM //

I wrote these all few weeks ago… I never finished, Furthermore I don’t feel I can finish as right now I’m in a different place…(mentally/fiscally/emotionally/)

There were more than anticipated, so I decided to split them up.

Part 1 is a bit lighter
Part 2 is a bit darker

I just did a quick skim so … take it with a grain of salt

Thus I bring you the incomplete works of “me” as to rid a few items off of my desktop.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate money


I find myself caught in a perpetual greed driven society.
Everything revolves around money.

Money money money. I hate money.

I really wish it didn’t matter, but have you noticed how people opinions change once they know “you come from money”

But oh ,..having money alone is not enough, after all no one wants to be new money. New money is ..ugh and that’s coming from me.

New money = Rich
Old Money = Wealth

Yet it is what makes all around me possible.
I am sometimes amazed at how little I can get by on, then I do something so trite and unnecessary.

One example would be the party , The one that everyone got an Ipod in addition to a few other things.
However I justified it as a small going away party/a make up party for all the events I have missed in the past. And furthermore an apology to those who attended for not being around soon, be it I have yet to tell anyone with the exception of K and Elizabeth about the cancer… the irony lies in the fact that I could not even attend the party which I threw… one would assume I was batman. (maybe not)


Rich .. no
But as my grandfather said.. you can’t take it with you.
I would have perhaps tried to save some but to what end and ultimately for whom? My family who already have more than enough? Nay… Elizabeth doesn’t want it so… kiss it all goodbye…(I always give generously to charities… so they shall not be exempt form weeping the benefits of my demise… just no cancer groups because the irony would be far too great.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanest words?


I may have just said the meanest thing I’ve ever said to someone.

With the exemption of work and such..

Someone emailed me about a job… and listed a set of demands (wtf?) and a price estimate which was 25% more than the very generous offer already on the table.


So I emailed him back and told him he forgot to include something,

So I listed off the supplies back to him (which he requested)

“so you’ll need one excursion with level IIIa, 2 mp5’s w/ 2000 rnds of ap ammo, 4lb’s of c4, 2 4x5 stl plates, (etc etc etc) and one time machine….

(The job happened 2 weeks ago)

He told me he didn’t get it… he then asked why would he need a time machine? I tried to explain to him how it had already happened (at a fraction of his price/demands) and thus he would need a time machine if he still wanted the job. He still didn’t get it and I’m not too sure I would want someone that dense to take the job.

¶ 10/02/2004 07:30:00 AM //