Once … I looked in the mirror at 16 (ish) and I failed to recgnozie the person I saw starring back. Now its sort of a skew on the original. I grew accustom to the stranger starring back. I never actually look in the mirror and think I’m seeing myself. It always takes a moment to sink in.

Now the face… it’s falling apart. It’s obviously diseased. Who thought the cancer would been so evident so quickly. I mean I knew there would be some signs, but this... just so quickly.

I have to admit it could be worse. The blotches and decay is all perfectly symmetrical. I could be afraid of death.

I didn’t want the family to know about it however I was just informed I would be getting a visit soon. I did get some make up for it for events I can not avoid and hopefully that should do the trick. I hate the idea of being a guy and wearing make up,… but this isn’t really for me… it’s for them (and me).

Death… is actually something I’m looking forward to.
I’ve grown accustom to the void which fills my life and the vast emptiness. I am content in the memories that Elizabeth left me with, memories of happiness and I look forward to being rid of the pain. I look forward to not having to worry anymore. For my mind to shut down… I look forward to being freed from memories of myself. I look forward to forgetting who I am, what I have done, where I have been.

On some level I look forward to riding myself of love.
The love which I gave so readily to Elizabeth only to have it thrown back at me after so many years. I look forward to finally seeing it die. I look forward to not having to look forward.

I’m just so sick of everything…I’m sick of the idiots which run the country, and the bigger ones who vote for them. I’m sick of the transparent lies which no one else seems to see. I’m sick of ignorance. I’m sick of politics, I’m sick of family politics.

There are many regrets I have in the fashion which I choose to live this life, If there is an afterlife, and I was presented with the possibility of trying again, be it the same or a different life. I’m not sure I would take the chance. It was just far too painful the 1st time around.
The mental torment which makes me cringe. The things I did that make me want to vomit. The things I said. The people I did unspeakable things to. The things I didn’t do.

All those could be over looked.

I was deliriously happy,…”blissfully happy” as put by a kitty K. I was in love and I swore it was more potent than any drug that could be ingested, shot, or smoked.

Nothing mattered, I was happy, I just wanted to lay my head, …lay in bed with the person I loved. (in a innocent fashion) Her skin was so warm, so smooth and soft. Her skin was as flawless as her character. Though she would always point out a scar I could never make out on her knee.

But such love was a one way street and when I finally hit the dead end. I woke up and remembered who I was. Thus it all came flooding back…and all I was to do is forget … all I want to do is have it be over with. The anxiety of death is really getting to me.

I wake up in the mornings and have to ask god why put me through the torture of another day. I sometimes don’t leave bed for the entire day. I just loaf about staring at the ceiling. As it stands I do this out of free will. However I know as the cancer spreads I know there will come days in the close future that I will not be at liberty to decide weather or not I leave my bed in the mornings.

I hold no hopes anymore for ever seeing the wonderful person whom made this life worthwhile for me. I conveyed the perils of placing so much faith in one person prior to letting myself go and become reckless in my love for her. Yet it was for naught. I knew this would happen in the back of my head.

The only thing I did not count on was the cancer. Which is the blessing in disguise, a dishonorable death, but death expedited nonetheless. I don’t have to grow old alone. I don’t have to watch before my eye as my brother goes on to become the great man.

I spend like it’s going out of fashion now. I once saved and saved for a home, the engagement ring, things which naturally lend themselves to fantasies of domestication. Hell, even if I did see her again at the rate I’m going I won’t even be able to afford treatment.

The world would be a better place without people like the person which I have become. I will put my money where my mouth is. I have let go. I have given up. I have no faith. I have no hope. I hold only hate for myself. I forgive all.

I’m ready to go.

¶ 8/27/2004 02:10:00 AM //

It seems if I was to have a weakness outside of Elizabeth it would be watches… yet I never really have anywhere to be at any given time, It’s more like ; my cell phone rings, I cringe ,then reluctantly answer and in 15 minutes find my self flying out the door… these situations don’t have the common courtesy of happening with reasonable regularity during a sane mans’ hours (perhaps why I may be insane? )

…yet (getting back to the trivial point) I need to seem to know what time it is in 12 different time zones…and mars.(for when they invade …in regards to very old post)

In a situation which I’ll go in to detail a bit later…C (a successful Austrian investment banker) in addition to a few other things got me a watch.

However. not just any watch…

My watches race the gambit, from the 1st watch I ever bought (radio shack calculator watch which has yet to die , and still keeps good time after over a decade…though the controls are long gone) To a Sekio I bought with my 1st check in high school (I knew very little about watches) to the Breitlings admired by the ever radiant Elizabeth, to the trendy Omegas and gaudy Rolexes, the more posh IWCs ,Cartiers only one Muller, even a Breuget (btw I hate this trend in “skeleton” watches)

All these watches for the most part sit in their respective original boxes and collect dust outside of the dailies. (after all no one wants to scratch a 20,000 usd watch)

One day I happened over to the jeweler whom brokered the deal on the diamonds for Elizabeths’ engagement ring to pick up an item for someone. Then I saw it… the “Masterpiece 8 plus 11” it was a automatic winder/ watch case which held up to 19 watches and kept them in tune and working…even manual watches.

My biggest complaint about watches is how you place them down and as most are automatic, if you don’t wear it for more than a month they lose time and thus you lose the synchronicity with your other watches (which have already died)

So I couldn’t help and inquired how much... and my jaw dropped (rare occurrence),…15,000 usd for a watch case. Yet I really thought about leaving with it. It is the sort of shop one considered with cost does not frequent.. and well between 2 watches and Elizabeths’ ring I’m sure I spent close to 7 figures at the place. (granted they only brokered the deal on the ring)

What does 15,000 usd mean to me ? Nothing really but. I don’t work, and I am really on my own, it’s not like I wouldn’t feel the impact…but like kryptonite, or a smile form Elizabeth I went weak in the knees told the person behind the counter I would be right back (she was new so she doubted me and was really uppity until I came back). I dashed out to the car and had cash in hand ready to make the deal ,..that’s when the owner came in and told me to put my money away , he wanted to show me something better.

He brought me in to his office and showed me a Sothebys catalog (it’s not my crowd save for I occasionally admire form the other side of the window) and there before me was a priceless piece of history. It was a 18th century watch case, an heirloom from the Austrian royal family. Some museum had some sort of scandal and as a result could not obtain the funding necessary for operating costs. Thus it was one of the items liquidated.

Not a priceless artifact that the masses would miss .Although it was something very appealing. I was told I did not want the auto winding case because of the added wear and tear it would cause thus I would have to up my service schedule for the watches. (thus costing much more over the life of the watches)

I asked him what would have to be done to secure this case… he pointed to the pile of bundles of cash now sitting on his desk and said I would have to double the pile (30,000 usd ) and give him a week. I asked him what his margin would be and he replied to me none. Now for any other purchase I would have found this to be suspicious, and moved towards interrogation, however.. in my state of delirium.. I assumed it was a gesture of apperception from one coinsure to another.

At this point I did not see the full truth around me unwrap and unravel itself… I was too weak in the knees wanting the case.

A few hours later over what I assumed was dinner between friends C slid me a gift wrapped box across the table. I’ll Explain later all she did however she said it was part of my birthday gift. Albeit a bit bleated due to negations ( I originally assumed work, not over the watch). I opened it and said it was very nice (without getting a good look ). However could not accept it… she insisted, and took off my Daytona and put it on. The entire episode was a bit painful as it very reminisce of the time Elizabeth wrapped her necklace around my wrist as part of my birthday gift in Mexico. (Her favorite frenchy Celtic necklace which I still cherish even though I no longer have it. I still miss how it turned my wrist green) So I felt the world collapsing on me, thus I pulled away and inadvertently startled her. I then in a move which was only meant to comfort C the “friend” I finished the task of securing the watch to my wrist and placed the Daytona in the gift box.

The night came to an abrupt end when my phone rang.
So when “business” had concluded later that night someone motioned to my wrist and said “nice watch”… I then finally saw it under decent lighting…it was a Patek Philippe ! I later showed it to a friend who is a Patek buff and he confirmed what I feared. It was in fact a Tonneau Chronograph with a limited run of only 10 units… yes ten units. Of which this was the only platinum one. (originally I thought high polish stainless steel,. perhaps an invincia)

Later A consulted with his 2003 price guide and confirmed in 2003 the watch retailed for 95,000 usd however he valued it closer to between 250,000-375,000 usd…seeing as how there are only 10 in creation.(ten) and the USD taking a nose dive.

Then my world came full circle and I woke up.

She was in the same jewelers office. She and he(the owner) talked, she told him she was my girlfriend, he assumed she was Elizabeth… he thus told her I would want a Patek..(I only may have mentioned it once at most) … C and the jeweler chit chatted… C is Austrian (with accent and all) Thus the recommendation on the Austrian royal family heirloom. .. he assumed I had received the watch and wanted to protect it/ show it off without wearing it.(I would never)

It’s all so wrong….

C is not my girlfriend. Where would one(she) come up with such an idea? We have not kissed, and she knows of my heartache with Elizabeth. I don’t go in to details as I do here but I have eluded to it. I am fairly sure I conveyed her my intentions to die alone… What’s worse is C is a type “A” person , she has everything going for her in every department.. looks, wealth, heritage, education, humor, so on and so forth. why waste it on me? I will never fall in love with her nor would I ever grant her all that she deserves from a companion. If anything I’ll only drive her to become a lesbian.

I am still too deeply madly in love with Elizabeth to even recognize any horizons for relationships.. I am content in dyeing alone. I will keep all the promised I made to her albeit she no longer hold me to them nor even cares.

Well…as it stands

.. the case should arrive tomorrow via diplomatic courier (can’t wait,. maybe even photos) In any event I will be keeping the case.

I have this uber watch which I need to devise a way to ensure it make it’s way back to C.

I need to somehow get my Rolex Daytona back.(or not)

I need to find out who she has told that she was my girlfriend and have her set the record straight.( I can’t come across as a hypocrite) Yet in a fashion that will not cause her any drama (as it may prove to be very embarrassing for her)

I also need to find a way to tell her I can’t be with her… perhaps a dose of the truth (telling her I have cancer,. possibly dipping in to my past)


I need to stop being so fucking vain. (must be something in the water in NYC)

¶ 8/19/2004 12:43:00 AM //

I give up.

¶ 8/15/2004 10:42:00 PM //

While I was away, one of the many things that happened. (this is one of many)

S .. I sort of liked S before, I mean nice quiet, impeccable on paper. However just a over a month ago he did something that instilled in myself a deep notion of respect for him.

S’s mother became sick and whilst he knew INS was having a field day, and that he may not be able to come back he left the country to be at his mothers side in her time of need. He realized his place, being the single child and heir he risked all he had built up in the US to see his mother. His really nice car (which I feel guilty talking about all the time) and career, his life in a sense. Potentially to never see them again and the behest of the US Govt. and … he returned victoriously… suffering of severe jet lag and bearing gifts it is good to see him again.

Before nothing bad could had been said about S
And I respected him as you would in a office environment for your co worker. However now I respect him to an entirely different plateau. He has earned a place in my stories.

Though this is a commodity which S is trying to seemingly spend as quick as he can… tisk tisk.



p.s. I know bad post but so much in the pipelines this was the easiest to disperse myself of.

¶ 8/15/2004 01:58:00 PM //

Hot water heater

So I suppose I could say I’m sort of a landlord,.. but dam it I’m not a slumlord.
And thus when you tell me something is broken I fix it in a weeks or so time.

I have these tenants which if they have a problem with their wireless internet they are on the phone within 10 minutes (as though I am their private tech support…granted I do provide free high speed internet, I do not fix personal pc problems)


The hot water is out,…so I don’t get a call but a visit to my personal residence by a envoy (another tenant on their behalf) I go over and I check out the hot water heater and the area is drenched. He tells me that they noticed it leaking a few months ago but didn’t want to bother me… and now the think is just leaking every where.. at least I could have shut off the water main.

This is why I missed my function… to make problems worse I have a friend D who owns a car dealership. He deals in exotics and likes to collect and restore as well. So when propositioned by a divorce form his wife unless he unloads a few of his cars he does what any one would had done. He hides the cars. D takes a security van and plops it in my driveway so nothing can get to and form his cars. (security van being a van which is weighed down so that even if you rammed it you would not budge it,…sort of like what NYPD has at NY1 down on gold st. ) and thus I can’t even get a new hot water heater.

In these sort of emergencies I like to call my father and ask for advice. I don’t need advice but I want to make him feel like he matters (he doesn’t) … holy shit the bitch fest I got form him. It started last time I saw him.. umm more on this later in the post.

I email D to move his shit so I can get in and he replies no problem(it’s been a week)
And thus he is getting the boot. It’s not worth the hassle, I need to eat before I can feed others. I need hot water in my buildings. (my supers are all slackers and next incident all get the boot)

When the plumber comes by he sees the problem and says” oh shit” at the prospect of how to get the hot water heater downstairs in light of a 14 ft security van. ..

We had to hoist it up and over (at a cost of roughly the job itself) .. I helped but let me say it’s no fun lifting and moving a 300-450 lb 125 gallon phase 3 water heater. With only 3 people. I pulled a superman getting it in to place though .. perhaps it was the rage being put to use. I managed to get it down the stairs solo while the plumber was cleaning up the lifting gear. (we had to assemble a structure around the van and beyond it and hoist it up roll the structure over and lower the unit… A LOT of work for the dipshits incompetence)

We got the old one out (super man part 2) however the old one was only a 75 gallon Kenmore. And it sits in the driveway behind the van. The assumption was D would come by and move the van up as promised and we would be bale to roll it out t the curb on a trolley. Yet over a week later it sits there as an eyesore.


My fathers attitude.

This seems to only happen when he sees I’m doing well.
He has been relatively fine in the last few years, learned humility in old age however now he is just such an attitude problem. Mind you he made me homeless at 16 and I was for months till I could get on my feet, he had me kicked out of school so on and so forth.

When I was 18 he found out how well I was doing in terms of finances and arranged a dirve-by shooting to “teach me humility” as well as burning one of the homes and well the invasion ..and the pile of bodies… and the decapitation of my dogs…it just goes on and on.

Well revenge was gotten and I assumed he had learned his lesson. Lesson being as stated if he comes near me / or sends agents in a fashion I feel hostile there will be no measure to how fast, how hard, how furious I will exact my revenge on him.

Games of a fucking child. He toils all day in his large home with nothing to do and jealousy is all that stirs, that I am fiscally well off in the face of such adversity (set forth in motion by himself) As though I was not of kin but of a rival family.

A few weeks ago I visited them. (In the area on a social engagement) I could had been a door to door sales person (so heartfelt was my welcome) The lectures started and did not stop.

When I left I was not even paid a good-bye… I told my mentioned to my brother is it was socially acceptable to wish someone a “bad-bye” I would had been presented with one.

Only a day later did it dawn on me why. I had purchased a new Rolex Daytona. Well big deal, who cares? … my father the spiteful demon. He was wearing a IWC which model I’m not sure(mark XIII ?) but I was told around 8,000usd for the model he was wearing. It was his new daily.

My daily usually is either an Omega GMT Seamaster (2,500usd) or a Rolex GMT Master II (3,750usd) .. it used to be a Breitling Chronomat with pilot band (6,500usd) however
my days of world travel are over. (Elizabeth admired this one in Boston) In addition it
was a bit gaudy to wear everyday.

However for my birthday (covered a few posts down the road…in the pipeline) I thought I needed something nicer. I was eyeing IWC’s however the one I wanted was in the 6 figures. (bit rich for 23) So I got a new Rolex Daytona . Mind you I had a all SS one back when I was 18 however it was destroyed because of my fathers antics. This one was a bit gaudy but none the less very nice for the special occasions. It was SS+ 18kt and came in at 22,500 usd + state and luxury tax.

Thus my fathers wrath,… you see, my watch cost more than his.

As though we were children and he wanted what I had (though he could possibly afford to just buy Rolex,…the company) He thought I was trying to out do him. Be it I only drove him to church, never actually went in… waited in lot with the chauffeurs. If anything any one would had thought I was a well paid driver. Outside of that we were not even seen in public together.

I’m sure if I told them I had cancer they would blame me for it and tell me to clean up my own mess. Perhaps they would assume it’s some sort of ploy to extract a sum of cash. Actually , I would venture to say they would only use it as an excuse to start their plotting and planning as what to do with my assets once I depart…I thank the heavens and all they encompass for them(family) never finding about Elizabeth. (the primary benefactor of my soon approaching demise)


Any one want to trade families……….anyone?.......please?

¶ 8/10/2004 08:03:00 PM //

Everyone I know gets presented with a different façade.

This occurred to me in passing before but, always brushed aside. It’s a subliminal trigger I suppose. It its not a distinctive conscious act which I undertake.

IE:
S gets a version which is funny, though not very charming, who is a sarcastic twit.
J (one of many) seems to get a tired world traveler/playboy/
M gets.. not sure what he gets , however it’s along the lines of politico/eccentric

It just goes on and on and for as many people I can think of , I can think of a different personality.
Perhaps its part of the reason I imagine parties/social gatherings are avoided by myself.

I did attempt and be myself with kitty (long story for which there will be room down the road)
However it has only seemed to scare her off…even thought it was strictly platonic.

However…

With Elizabeth I was always myself. It used to scare me. For her .. I was an open book (with the exception of classified chapters, deemed classified by various govt. organizations/various factions of the family )

I don’t think I had any other choice with her but to be myself. When she would enter the room I would have troubles breathing, when she would touch me my heart would race. And when she would smile… the room used to spin, everything would fade.. my body would go in to a sort of sensory overload and she was all I could see. And perhaps since my brain would fail and not be able to multitask for those moments, I had no choice but other than to be myself..

This initially dawned on me during the Boston incident. I was laying and she was on top of me resting and we were both naked ..yet it felt so natural, so right. And reality hit me for a brief moment and I slid my hand under the pillow to find it was lacking a handgun… I panicked but her breath on my skin seemed so soothing, had such a calming effect.. I was myself, and I relaxed , and it was amazing.

I was myself, and she loved me for who I was and didn’t care about the propaganda.
For this amongst uncountable other reasons I loved her in return infinite folds.
(yes our love amongst other things was childish, young, passionate, romantic , hence forth
expressions never thought uttered by my self were…ie: “I love you infinity”)

The Boston incident.

Since Boston I’ve had no human contact,. Perhaps by the same factor which controls my personas to the world? The more I think about it. The more I think about what were perhaps all lies. Moreover, I just cannot help but feel so used, so dirty.

Just take the stamp on your table and hit me in the forehead, thus labeling me “damaged goods.”

¶ 8/08/2004 03:15:00 AM //

In an effort to make up the fact I’m so absent minded I held a social function (to which I failed to show up…more on this in next post)) and at said function I thought it be nice to give away Ipods seeing as how they seem the “in” gadget (be it I’ve had one for years)

SO I purchased about 150 keeping in mind that most some people perhaps already had one, and if we were short more would be bought (this is over 50,000 usd worth of 40 gig 4th gen ipods here)

To my surprise when I come in to the hall the next day to clean up I see a huge stack of ipods just sitting there and when I asked someone what the deal was they told me that a lot of the guests already had one and didn’t feel the urge to take another. So I handed out ipods to every one who worked their loaded up the Land Rover and took them home.

I figured I would just give them away, I don’t want the headache of selling them, and I hate returning items.
Plus I hate money so….meh

I go on Craig’s and I place an ad…. And I get swamped and dismayed at the response….

Below I’ve included my reply to the CL community after they flagged and removed me. The later half should prove to be entertaining.



Original AD: http://www.craigslist.org/cgi-bin/smp/38416790/7cxvw

So here I was… the good citizen, the good CL’er

I had a pile of ipods left over from a social function and was seriously going to give away to the community which I have grown to love (minus maybe R&R…which we will call the haunted forest) … I’ve done my share on CL.

Bought items, hired people, even given away free laptops, good karma I felt was abundant on the list.

Thus when it came down with what to do with 68 ipods I had left over from a function, straight to CL (because the homeless don’t have firewire ports)

And in the face of such generosity CL decided to bite back… thus I’ve decided to take my ipods to a local charity in need within the week so they can perhaps sell them off give them away minus a 3 or 4 which I will keep for misc gifts (everyone I know I think already has one)

I just wanted to share a cross section of some of the replies I received prior to being flagged and told “thanks but go to hell” I did in fact receive a few hundred during the few hours it was posted of which I read/skimmed all of them.


Items/services offered:


75usd in restaurant coupons

chocolate valued at 40 usd a pound (only 1 lb)

A lot of offers with broken/obsolete hardware (15”crt monitors/printers etc) that I would have to pick up

A few people offered to trade me their old ipods for my new Ipod (few dells, few I rivers)

One person offered me a 1st gen 10 gig ipod (to refresh your memory I was offering 4th gen 40 gig) stating they had been slacking on upgrading (personally I have a gen 1 which I love)

I got a surprising amount of people willing to trade porn. ..and disturbing amount of kiddy porn(offers ,not porn itself)

Batteries

Cigarettes

Beer

T-shirts

friendship

Membership to hipster nation

Lip balm (organic)

A British accent

Stained glass windows

Someone wanted one for her boyfriend and offered to
Download me a copy of Paris Hilton misbehaving. (lucky boyfriend)

2 people sent me viruses

a few sent me lists of dvd’s

photo developing (but only one print)

Chinese food

baked goods

help getting a mortgage (just with paper work)

1 free lesson in Portuguese

a boa constrictor

another offered reptile care (these two should get together)

a few offered mp3’s

someone offered a dozen cookies (only?)

Homer Simpson soap-on-a-rope

a Xena shot glass,

small blue betta tank with filter and light (recently
deceased fish I was told is not included).

Cuban cigars.

A few haiku’s

One original poem

A few offers for booze

A few for drugs

A few for sex (men and women.. one dog I kid you not)

I felt like If wanted to be a rock and roll/porn star now would be most opportune the time

Some wanted to give me money….(I hate, I loathe , I despise money , and asked for no money)

One insanely beautiful girl gifted in self photography offered me a milkshake in Chinatown/ no picnic but perhaps a movie from her collection (I do believe I fell in love, but can’t help but feel she was only interested in the size of my ipod)

A real estate agent said he would hook me up for a “low fee”



Odd things people did/said:


A lot of people sent one liners (I asked for no one liners)

Some people sent multiple emails with one liners saying they wanted to stick out, one person sent 10+emails all one liners with colors that kept getting more and more annoying.

One person emailed me a one liner , then emailed me insults for not choosing him 10 minutes later with his phone number attached so I could call him back and he could pick up what was ”rightfully his”

One person sent a one liner and even managed to throw in a few insults.

one person emailed me a brief 2 line email then 10 blank emails

A few people would refused to travel outside of Manhattan
Claim that even though the post said Queens, and furthermore that Queens was not NYC and thus should not be on the NYC boards. Thus I should travel to Manhattan.

Some people said they had one, however wanted another one.

Others insisted I deliver since they were so cute.
(a few sent pictures which only served to prove them wrong)

One person was telling me how they were going to stop working(it may have been stop school) and travel around the world for a year and needed an ipod. My heart weeps for them, and my soul endures their pain as they do (sarcasm)

65-75% of people acted as though they were doing me a huge favor .

Someone said I could come to their birthday party if I brought them a gift in addition to the ipod.

One person wanted serial numbers before they would even consider doing me the favor of taking them off my hands.

Statistically speaking people with the name(s) raj/rajan were the most insulting yet at the same time demanding (could have been the same person with multiple email accounts)

People with the name “Cindy” seemed to be the nicest

Someone wanted all of them plus an additional 172 ipods… (250 total)
Before they would even consider coming by and doing me a favor

A massive amount of people kept asking me if I yahooed (kidding)

A disturbing about of hipster hate mail (I don’t hate hipsters however.. they all have trust funds and all already own ipods, and if they really wanted one I’m sure “mommy and daddy” in Kansas would get them one)

A lot of people said it must be a scam but “they will bite”(I found this quite insulting)


In conclusion:


Where did the logic come from that the ruder people are the more likely they will get what they want?

And all this got me to thinking… do I really want these people all coming over to my place?

And even if I was to arrange meetings in public…It would have to be done in one shot, do I really want to be handing ipods out of the back of one of my cars? Also for those who have dealt on CL know about the reliability of CL’ers showing up on time.

What if someone saw me and recognized me?

Thinking that I was selling these out of the back of
one of my cars? Then the rumor mill would start and eventually It would come full circle.

Once when I was 7 I shaved a portion of my eye brow pretending I was my father and to this day it haunts me… where would I end up if this was circulated.

However what really cemented the notion of me not giving any away to CL was the fact it was flagged and removed. This believe it or not hurt.


So … in the words of my 4 year old cousin # 3 (can’t recall her name so I call her #3)

“Your loss”




P.S.

I know this was flagged and removed (I don’t know why I thought it would live for at lest a day) , and I realize I shouldn’t repost….but I just want it to make the rounds for a day…after that I’ll let it die… I feel it’s easier that people see this and I repost X times rather than I email every one whom emailed with an apology and assurance that their unintentional sacrifice will go to help benefit mankind/my tax returns in some small way. (one person hit it on the preverbal head and may yet still land an ipod from the unnamed source)

As for the community, I thought this would be entertainment above all else (this post)… so consider it “free” entertainment. The escape for which you sought while slaving away at work/saving the world/trying to beat me at taking over the world.

I try not to imply / insinuate or perpetuate any negativity. (karma and all)
However I do try and convey how dismayed I was at some (not all) of the responses I received. In addition I tried to communicate the sincerity/originality/dementia of the responses which made me smile/scratch my head/hide under my bed/want to go out for a picnic/be a rock/porn star, so on and so forth.

Sorry kids,
Sorry legitimate spammers,
Finally my deepest heartfelt apologies to the ever vigilant flaggers.

However all hope is not lost for you. Just because the beat of the drum changes does not infer that there is no longer a need to march on. A bird has just whispered in my ear there is always work that needs to be done in/on/for the “war on terror”… namely invading Canada (next logical step from the perspective of the bush admin)

http://www.russfound.org/graham.htm

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/03/28/1080412237878.html?from=storyrhs&oneclick=true

http://www.la-mancha.net/archives/000300.html

¶ 8/05/2004 03:14:00 AM //

Born,
Study
Make money
Marry
Kids
Die

Elizabeth used to say it was all very selfish, the notion of children, that it was a means by which one would live forever, at the time I wanted to have children.
It was not to live forever, it was something I only wished to do with her. Sometimes this lazy Sunday afternoon notion of the apex of domestication would be one she would buy in to. She claimed she didn’t like children but would sometimes say that if we were to have children.. it would be my responsibility to ensure it was a boy, and that regardless it would be destined to be cute. I would agree adding that it would be cute provided it received her genes.

It would be brilliant, but to what capacity? Elizabeth whom I believe was 152? Was the good one. The one whom will save the world. Yet I was a 156 (maybe more) whom cemented the notion that iq tests only proclaim capacity/potential for intellect rather than intellect itself.

She had an amazing abstract thought process that really drove me wild…yes that’s right. I fell in love with the femme fatale originally for her mind.

In the outline above society deems that one should find “happiness” I found happiness in a corner of the world I had never really envisioned my self. And everything which happened, it was a series of leaps of fate. Blind jumps. My life up till then, I only felt what I had known which apparently was very little. Had I known then what I know now such blind maneuvers I would have never undertaken. Everything played out like a romantic movie that makes you cringe for fear the character was begging to be crushed. However nay, everything worked out as they do in movies.. (at lest for a while)
I was one of they blissfully happy. No longer did I care for the world for I was happy. So happy, I would want to scream it to the world. Now … now I still feel the sensation to scream, but not for sake of joy, rather for the sake of anger, anger against myself.

Back to the point of life...or lack thereof.

“Life” as defined by tradition/ family holds no appeal to me any longer. I do not know what to do anymore, what to say anymore. My life without Elizabeth could be akin to a fish who has found himself out of water.

What now? There is no more water, no more swimming to be done. Basic functioned to be relearned…. But how? And why?

Why bother when the seniors laid before me hold no values upon my limited commodity market.

Love is in demand, Love was supplemented by Elizabeth. Elizabeth has withdrawn her funding.
And hate…..Hate is abundant in supply and being trade left and right.

As children whom have only one toy , substitute that one toy for all toys… My hate is substituted in lieu of all feelings from which have withered away.

¶ 8/03/2004 04:48:00 AM //

If I find myself one day… before I die to be happy.
I’ll seek treatment. If not… well who wants to go on being miserable? What point is there is hoarding resources for one self, when your not even happy?

Happiness I would venture to claim is the most sought after commodity next to material wealth. If not, it should be. (well it should surpass material wealth but there is a lot that “should” be)


I want to cry… yet I can’t. Yet its all so tragic, all so sad, however I was never one for crying for my own sins. After all I have no one to blame with the expectation of myself.

Suicide by cop?...
Tactical maneuvers run through what's left of my frayed sanity/imagination.



This game I play is a kin to playing chicken with an one coming semi truck, as it currently stands the truck is only starting to roll, yet I am running head on, and as it gains speed I will tire and slow down, and happiness lies on the side lines, happiness may decide to save me, but happiness has better things to do. Happiness has
many bidding for her attention. I will not move out of the way, the semi truck will not move out of the way.

Wait ,… I know why they call it chicken, but in retrospect, shouldn’t it be called idiot?

¶ 8/01/2004 06:42:00 PM //

If anything.. then just to occupy the time.

I have been busier but it will all come to an end soon.

Much has happened since I did stop.
Some will be covered, some omitted.

Of that which will be omitted , some will be on purpose, some will be unintentional.


This is more than a “blog” (since no one really reads it)
It’s a poor substitute for my best friend with whom I would share everything… this is sharing to a lesser extent with a cold (well actually its running pretty hot) piece of wonderfully designed hardware…

Usually one of the ThinkPad’s, occasionally the beast,
And rarely the Vaio.


Just now.. I was in my room, staring blankly in to the ceiling, basking in the cool air form the ac, .. whishing it was colder. (64 F). I was starting to question things.
What am I doing? Where am I going? Why why why?

I came to some conclusions; for one if I was poor(er) I would be too consumed with survival and henceforth not have to worry about greater things because I would be too consumed with the smaller things, The petty shit.

That I should stop waiting for the miracle that will never be. It was a miracle the 1st time around.
Asking wishing for more is like a lotto winner asking to win again because he/she was foolish in their ways and spent it all on vanity (see: me)

This gapping hole.. it will never dissipate. It will remain, and it is best to learn to live with it rather than cure it.

I will never be the hero to all those I want to save.
I can only continue to do what I do form the shadows and hope that the appropriate agents carry out delegated tasks and everything comes together is some sort of blissful harmony.

Side note: I never wanted to be the hero to all, Just to her, however that now is an impossibility in the lifetime. The more i think about it, the more i am lead to belive that rather than being her hero, she was my hero. The one whom saved me , only to dam me.

Rage; I have so much rage, so much anger. The sensation to rage and lose it at times is so great.
But ultimately its is rage which will never be enacted upon for in the end, it is not a innocent civilian upon which I rage or even opfor personal. It’s myself with who I am disappoint, with myself who I need to release my rage upon, with myself that I will have my high noon with.

Things all these lines. Facing facts as it were.

Which brings me to.. well some news.


As posted previously... I do have cancer.
But as I told a friend… it’s my suicide play.

It started with me feeling like such an idiot, then forgetting the simplest things… then well the face falling apart in symmetrical patterns I mentioned, and now well... it’s there. So I went to the doc. I do for treating the things I can’t deal with myself and he had an MRI done and found a operable tumor which after testing turned out to be cancerous. Few other problems not really worth noting.

I thanks him for this time paid and went on my way.

The cyst I extract the fluids form with syringes on a bi daily basis , other wise it swells and causes a slight discomfort,…plus well I don’t want to lose my hearing yet. It does at times cause a great deal of pain because
Its not as simple as jabbing myself with a needle and extracting “goo?, its
more so like jabbing myself then slowly probing until I feel the membrane break and in the mirror see the flow of blood in to the needle cylinder stop and change colors then extract only enough so as now to totally deplete the membrane causing it to puncture another hole on the opposite side causing a brain hemorrhage…it averages 30-50 mm a day (a lot)

As for the tumor itself I’ve opted for not getting treatment. I was told I had anywhere form 6 months to 2 years. provided I kept up with my flintstones vitamins and what have you. However I was told more tests had to be done, for which I opted not to get done as .. I don’t need to be told again to cheer up.

This is another reason for me resuming my writing,…After all I see death in the distance picking up speed. What do I have left to fear?

Correction; death I never feared, only harm upon loved ones (one)/dishonorable death. However my motives have been skewed in light of recent events/news…

My affinity for my digital camera has dissipated and I no longer take it with me wherever I go. Rather I take it on trips but never really more than that. The novelty has warn off. Now it sits and collects dust (any one need a top of the line canon in 6 months or so?)


I won’t update as nearly as often as before,…
I just missed talking to my blog ,… so an effort will be placed to reconnect us.

¶ 8/01/2004 03:59:00 AM //