Actually I got found out on Monday at roughly 9:14

how many people do i know..... who perhaps may misspell antarctica
who live in CT who use Comcast cable who have a mac w/ osx and love safari?
(van)and almost live off of google?

who can be placed online writing me an email at 9:08:12 est. and thus be going through
thier in box to see perhaps a hint i didn;t mean to send off?

who has a week off with nothing better to do (though well deserved time off)
on a Monday night?

and spent 40+ minutes here?

yes you J....

my brother found me out so site is poof...(perhaps)

it's a shame too. i had so much to post (10-15 pages)

thus the surge of above par idiotic posts,

out of order. So much still needed to be said, though it was still all the same. rhetoric really.

This page was a manifestation of anger and frustration, and the occasional sweet nothings that comprise life , meant originally for Elizabeth, but ended up in the vast coldness of cyberspace. I will miss writing here.

A lot of the dribble I wrote, it was the things I would tell her and only her, it was the mindless chit chat that only made me fall more so for her.

Be it talking about work, her lab, taking over the world with penguins, the things most people take for granted are things I cherished and could not bear to be without.

This helped much in easing much of my pain, a distraction.

But now… I’m closer to my goal of being a cold hollow shell. Void of life, as this I have found to be the best method in dealing with such pains that no person could without knowing Elizabeth possibly fathom.


This page may live on as some sort of journal of dreams I have, but that is highly improbable. As I’ve been discovered most likely I will either stop all together or, start a new somewhere hopefully greener. Pastures and all.

But knowing me this will not be the case, pain seems to love me as much as I wish to be rid of it, and so it may very well be that for the foreseeable future I will continue to lay my head in jungles of concrete.

In a fashion I see fitting…

Elizabeth, where ever you may lay your head at night now, I hope it lays with a smile, and one day when you feel to bestow upon me a unstoppable smile. Please, email, call, what have you… I humbly implore you.






Fin.

¶ 5/26/2004 06:09:00 AM //

They have something to do with typing in word and using copy and paste.

I just noticed and in the hundreads of pages mabe 1/2 of them have them all over the place.

It's almost the end so i promise it won't happen any more.

(corrected by using windows encoding ..or soemthing)

¶ 5/26/2004 06:07:00 AM //

I ‘m sorry that I could not be what you wanted me to be I’m sorry that I could not fulfill your every fantasy at your whim, which I could not be there for you.

I really tried to find you, I went from the back allies of France to Mexico D.F. looking, searching, and trying to find you but not insult you and keep in your wishes,

I offered to sell everything to be by your side. I offered to give everything, to be with you,

The reasoning being for you, for my love, the price is infinite that no price is too high.

But after all the lies, after all I went through,…… after Finding out about Alex and the rest of them,..

You don’t want to be found, you never loved me,….this is so painful to admit, all those lies, the honesty sincerity in your eyes, the gentle strokes of your voice,…. All lies, all for what? For so many years,….

I knew the day you stopped caring though would not admit it, I recall it because it gave a swift blow that I tried to ignore but could not,

I got up brushed myself off, and…

Then you made the fatal blow many months later,

Why would you not give me a reason?

Why does your voice, your image, your soft skin, it torments me,

I can’t sleep for fears of sweet dreams of you ,dreams that I know will eventually end, I thought out love a dream, I never wanted to get up, I know one day I would die and it would be over, but I did not know it would be you to end that life.

For you I was all too willing to give up so much,

There is so much you don’t know that I never told you, torment,

I sold my soul …I sold my soul to the highest bidder who would let me be with you .once upon a time…

I wanted domestication,…..for you ,.I turned rivers red, for you I took out the vengeance of others on their enemies,…….but you never knew… all I wanted was to save, and save, and save, and save,….. I then got you a ring I felt would never be worthy of you but, more than any other would have, the problem being, your beauty, your sweetness, your intelligence were infinite, whilst a ring, a diamond, it’s a rock, its finite, its limited, be it in carats or worth,…but you ,.you are priceless…..

I gave up my seat on the board, I gave up my shares in the family, I rebelled, and you saw, well you heard the retribution taken out on me, talken out on me by my family, you understood what would happen to me. You knew the sort of crowds I ran in. you were always a smart girl, quick on the uptake, no need to lie….though I did to cover up these sorts of situations.

Yet while I gave so so much in terms of physical pain, honor loyalty, fiscal net worth from the family businesses and contracts.

You could not even tell your father about me,.. You would not even introduce us.

I was so in love, so blinded I wanted you to meet mine; i wanted you to be mine.

Nevertheless, there is no pleasing the Ice Princess.

I always knew you were capable of being cruel, and I always pleaded with you that you should be easier over others, they do not know what they do they are simply aw stuck at you, .your beauty your radiance … could they have really been blamed?

I knew that only the chosen could get in to your graces….and had we not met the way we did surly we would have been on the outs.

Now I know what it is to be hated; now I know what the cold breeze feels like…

How can you deny it was love? From the first phone call filled with uncontrollable laughter, uncontrollable smiles, the kiss upon your forehead in the car, the way you hugged me from the backseat whilst …oh I forget his name but her was off to Denmark in the morning… Was running around drunk being chased by the police in the parking lot,…….you wrapped your arms so tightly around me,..

I know we had very little common ground,…… but that’s why we had Antarctica,…….oh the way your mind works, the way your gears would turn, the way you thought, was just so abstract, so incredibly sexy, the look in your eyes as you were going through your scientific method,.

The way you would be neurotic form time to time, or worry, and then when you would finally let go,…..you were the worrier on the domestic front,…

If I only had one question….(and subsequent ones)

What made you stop believing in the fairy tale that we lived?

What killed the fantasy for you?

When did you fall out of love?

Why did you fall out of love?

Are you still capable of “love” ?

Did your dreams of greatness come true?

Did you leavening me help you in accomplishing these goals?

Would you still let me take your hand?

Would you still let me kiss your forehead?

Would you still let me kiss your hands?

Would you still let me kiss you?

Would you still let me love you ?

This list goes on for a infinite length, just as my love for you. But if you ever happen upon this, know this. You have my faith. You will succeed in all that you do , and you are an amazing person with amazing abilities that transcend all comprehensible boundaries. You attributes rival if not surpass of being who could only be classified as gods.

You were a femme fatale with an amazing mind, equipped with an abstract thought process, a loving heart to those who got to know you , and you drove stick shift.

Any person in creation , any god, would be luck to have you.

I understand I was not worth.

I miss you

¶ 5/26/2004 05:52:00 AM //

Sara , hand kiss, blog

Somehow or another I ended up with Sara (separated) and it?s odd because nor is she my type (though devastatingly cute in her own way) nor would it ever happen (as she?s sort of herd over heals for her Nathan chap) but none the less we were on a date of the sort and I couldn?t help but think I had knocked Nathan off of his thrown of sorts.

Like all dreams this is a blur only coming back to me as flash backs,(I can only be lead to believe these are dreams)

At one point we were sitting down and she grabbed my hand and almost pleaded to let her read it to me?.

It?s all in the spin really (ie one person says you waste money the other one say you buy anything you want, etc )
So I let her , putting up no resistance only thinking I?ll get bad news,? but the spin was in effect and it wasn?t nearly as bad.

She told me many things?.but all that I can recall was. she told me I would be married. she told me I would fall in love before I was married (slightly important as I live in a world of arranged marriages) she told me that I had been madly in love, and it would destroy my life if I did not let that love go

This was a bit shocking?.because it was true. i was madly in love with Elizabeth, and it was , it is destroying my life/robbing me of my sanity.

In the dream I made the silent commitment to her to try to move on? because it was not fair for Sara, or Elizabeth, ?not fair for Elizabeth in terms that?? that I be so obsessive?? that I stop this silly writings, that I let her live her life (though let it be known, I do not stalk her or anything of the sort, but ? I am after all the top google hit)

And so the date went on?..and at one point I really forced my self to kiss her, not because per say I wanted to , but to prove to her that I had moved on.

I don?t know if I did, .i woke up.

I?m not at the house in NY yet and the landscapers showed up in force this morning??..

Lawnmowers are all I?ve heard for the last 3 hours??. An army of lawn mower men supplemented by weedwacker brigades , and trimmers, and the rest (I don?t know landscaping) or it could be just one man who does this??every morning at 6am?? I kid not.

I;ve been here for roughly a week and every morning between 6 and 7 am.

¶ 5/26/2004 05:48:00 AM //

Before





After





And in return I got this amazing cheese cake

¶ 5/26/2004 05:42:00 AM //

"They don't love you like I love you"

So said the song J planted in my head.

It's selfish of me, condescending of me to say to her (if ever granted such a chance) to say that they won't love her as I loved her, they won?t bleed for her as I've bled for her.

She inspires meager men, and propels them to great heights, she represented everything in the world which makes life worth living.

She is perfection.


Continue to hurt and continue to be human

Or to stop thinking and stop being human

Whilist in ct , no more familia
Best for them in the long run as well as my self

You see, J gets infinite more attention, from all and I have grown accustom to it over the years, and at this point it is deserving . (he knows it too, after all, being so smug and all)

J will go on to be all things they deem wonderful. Respected citizen of society, provider to his children, married, entire nine.

I on the other hand have no intentions of the hereof listed above.
I will not get married let alone be arranged. I will not have children. I will not become more than I am now.

I tell them one out of 2 isn?t bad.

I also told them I will never forgive them.
That I may visit when J gets married but, there is no need for me to
Visit them.

There was a tear in my father?s eye but I could have just been seeing things, or he could have just come in from outside.

My mother doesn't really care. After all, she only visits once very 2-3 years.


I have gotten by for long durations of time with out a soul, let alone a soul to confine in.

My father asked if I would be attending his funeral.

I replied with a quote from J's commencement speech (taken a bit unto my own)

"Weddings are not for the bride and groom. Graduation ceremonies are not for the graduate, and funerals are not for the deceased."

¶ 5/26/2004 05:28:00 AM //

I had a few dreams,?..(they come in spurts it seems)

It happen before the trip to CT so few weeks old.

I jotted notes but all seem a blur(not even)


They all seem to be Iraqi-ish dreams,

Machine guns, death war, terror, blood, snipers, so on and so forth,
Unseen enemies,


That?s all it gets?

This one was post CT.

I was with my brother , and we were on the streets in what seemed a run down area of the city,
Maybe just it was because everything was closed (then again run down is now chic?.I think)

And we were dead tired, maybe we were coming form a club, but a friend pulled up in a cab (he was driving,.. in the dream he was a friend but I could not place him) also he was seated on the right side yet in a American car, thus I am lead to believe it was overseas. (sometimes you get kooky cars over here from abroad driven by eccentrics with the steering wheel situated on the wrong side however this was not on of those odd situations?.)

I sat back and relaxed, he just knew where to go?

I may have dozed off in the back seat but I saw through my eyes red lights flickering, so I moved over a bit and noticed the meter running, I asked if it was running and he said yes.

All I could think was ?Some friend you are? and that I had no money,?. So I reached in to my pocket.. seeing the meter was at 20.48(usd?) reached in to my pocket and found a what seemed like a freshly opened bundle of 10?s .

Don?t you like when you find a bundle you weren?t expecting?

I just barley managed to mutter it was ok and dozed off.


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

¶ 5/26/2004 05:16:00 AM //

But here it is unedited unread


There was a time looking back I wanted to pretend if I could escape I could fill myself again,


There was a time looking through myself wanting to pretend if I could escape I could fill myself I don’t think you can

Before far and wide but that hole inside was never to be filled, but what I left behind was really myself

Never really leaves

I went away but what I really left behind was me.

I cant stay ,….

Each passing day every passing face seems like such a blur

I long to be home silently laying next to her,

Just to get back, by her side is all , I all I need to be

I went away,……but all I left behind was me,..


I am a fugitive, I carry the weight of what I’ve done, but as I grow weaker it only grows heavier and one day my sins will return to haunt me

I love the word romantic,
I can no longer relate to the word romantic
The term romantic no longer applies to me,

I love the word romantic,…

Death is romantic

The sun rise ,and shifting of the world through the course of the year is romantic,

Love is only portrayed as romantic

I am not romantic

I once has a passion that left me a year ago,…..unquenchable passion,….that was stolen form me by the object of this passion,…….

The river ran dry , and as a result my heart cold


“love hurts too much to be so popular” – C+

I need for my anger not to control, I need my anger to be me, I need to save it for myself I need to be able to galvanize it, I need to be able to set it free, I need to let out this rage that boils this hate that manifest itself deep down inside and it rages, it surges ,.

I need to galvanize it,. I need to let it lose upon my enemies, I need to carry out my vengeance, I need to take out those who oppose me, I need to get my hands dirty, I need to right the so many wrongs that have been done unto me. I need to kill,….

Hope your not on the list,. but if your not you wont feel a thing unless its personal,….you’ll feel lightheaded,…..fall to the ground,…and the last thing you will see is a silencer approach your forehead,…….then …….click , chunk …..and you wont hear the boom,….the bullet is technically faster than the speed of sound, and that’s calculating the resistance posed by your skull,…so the bullet will have a perhaps 6inch advantage depending on what I use,…,…also the silencer helps but silencers do not work as well as everyone thinks,……not “chunk, chunk”,…..like muffled bangs,…….well from handguns,……uzi’s and rifles are different stories (Israelis are good at coming up with their death machines)

I wont make the same mistakes again,

I wont fall in love again

I wont blindly follow again only to be lead to a cliff and asked to jump

I wont trust again

I wont believe again

All you need is love, but what’s that suppose to mean for the heartless.


I think I am very sick,.(mentally?)

In sleep,. I lay,…..sometimes nightmares and I wake with no tossing or turning,…

But now,…I just went upstairs to get the sheets for a load of laundry and, the blanket is all mangled and the sheets are all torn ..I guess I have been tossing and turning but my tongue hurts today as well,. I though maybe I cut it on a bit of food,. I don’t know, its happen before right?,…… but now I am thinking maybe I have seizures because the bed is maybe 3 feet off form the wall, which I may not have noticed as I have a mountain of pillows (Elizabeth said once she liked pillows, hence I have many) .

Its disturbing to say the least


Only people new to NY say only in NY,..i unfortunately have been hanging around a lot of these sorts and find myself doing it,………dam!

Washington D.C. may be the capital of the US, but NYC is the capital of the world (UN, reunion of Cyprus talks, etc etc all happen in NYC)

I’ve been here for over 4 years now,….4years! god dam,. nothing to show for it either,…..well,. not worth wild,. house creature comforts, ok only material wealth but emotionally its bankrupt me living here.

Wanted to buy her shiny new thing
Thought wed be there till the end
Death to future
Good bye to my friend

Wish I could see them all again
Wish you were here, to see how we could have felt,.
Ill kellem all,..

Love is the cruelest game, and I don’t want to play
You say all these things and then you go away,.



I vowed never to crawl,…and here I am

¶ 5/25/2004 06:32:00 AM //

I?m just got back form my brothers graduation.

I?m proud of the conceded spoiled brat.
I?m amazed his head fit through the door.
(but its not because of the 140,156usd piece of paper)

¶ 5/24/2004 12:17:00 PM //

A year of no progression in my life and a standstill, trying to face down father time, even though I know that it seems that possibly father time will most likely win this one.

I did so well on my own for the 1st few years. Motivation was abundant

Perfect timing

Today (a few weeks ago) my timing seemed flawless, it was as though I would stop for the train and in a moment there it was, I would come home, and just upon entering the tivo would stop (meaning my show was just recorded) and the dryer would ding indicating a load done and another ready in the wings to go? I would just be done folding and placing all my clothes and setting up dinner in the oven and a door bell would ring indicating UPS?s arrival, and just as I would clean up my mess and set up my new toys, the oven would ding indicating my dinner would be done, just in time to sit down and watch my show?.

Yes it?s a shallow empty life,?..but at lest its organized.



How do you send your mother a mothers day card, when you know, and she knows that she wasn?t a very good mother?

If you don?t send a card, she will cry, if you do , you don?t want it to be one full of lies



m. chores, finally after many months
I finally sat M down and broke it down in regards to the chores. it wasn?t nearly as painful as I thought. sure now I get the cold shoulder but?..even he couldn?t deny he was in fact wrong.

my heart is numb,?..google results

Another result I find for Elizabeth Rodriguez Salinas, but it?s just another ex boyfriend most likely figuring out what he thought was his goddess, disappeared off to.

They may be able to move on, and I really know I should, but I can?t I?m just so in love with her. I can not simply forget all the wonderful things she said/ did. I am forever infected with lizzywizzyitus.

I hold no hope,.my heart did not even sing as it once would have.

I don?t think there is anything in there now but a empty room, old dusty photos laced in cobwebs,? relics of a life that is no longer mine to live. A life thrown away.

A life I so desperately want yet know I can not have.

A life full of love and passion.

It will never be. Perhaps I have accepted this over the course of over a year.

Healed I have not, but come to grasp the bleak reality ahead I have.

I have accepted the fact that I must be alone.

And I will not argue the facts. Rather brush them aside and try to hope that I don?t have too many more of these days ahead.

I mean something has got to give. The way I live, no sane person could stand it.


Imiss the way I used to write?.
http://vivaantarctica.blogspot.com/2004_03_21_vivaantarctica_archive.html

just because I am pro life does not mean I want you to be pro life, for ultimitly I am pro choice, be it a ever so hard position to take rape , incest

well off= pro life

fighter jets.. I notice a lot more fighter jets over the house in NY as of late.

if I died I would have to admit the world would be better off


10,000 photos (I hit 11,000+ photos on the digi)

empty messy post??.meh?..its par for this course.

¶ 5/21/2004 01:02:00 PM //

For a week I?ve been on dial up,.painfully ?keeping a eye on my usage, watching it like a hawk.
14.62 hours?..5.38 to go?

earthlink cut me down to 20 hours the one month I needed it?corporate bastards.

Being on dial up is like being attacked by a mob armed with spoons.

It physically hurts.

Thus no updates,?.but whispers of broadband tease me, and make me almost care.

But if you happen to see The ice princess (Elizabeth) would you please point her in to my general direction? (though i used to refer to her more so as the goddess in diguise as an angel)

Rewards issued.

¶ 5/19/2004 07:11:00 PM //

once upon a time i mention the iraqi decapitation strike launched by the US in the 1st day of the war a faliure.......and today...

hits through the roof...

congrats you've now beat out libby holer and mishal hussain combined.

?But why oh whay do only Elizabeths EX boy freinds visit here?

like me thier hearts are alos broken.

its hard to love such a brillant scintist, espeically when she;s perfecgt, especially when she doenst love you (me)

¶ 5/12/2004 07:50:00 PM //

1st the story, then the legend

There is this guy on CL , he is "very single" but honest through and through.
HE posts a personal ad, and meets someone.

they agree to coffee and a movie.

From the get go she seems very cold and seems a bit selfish, but he assumes she is just a bit shy is all.

She then suggests dinner . He agrees in hopes she will open up.

She then walks over and into a restarunt that he's never been to before and has never heard of, but he says it seems upscale (tavern on the green) and right off the bat she orders a 1985 bottle of merlot. (expensive) and a few pricey apatizers.

At this point hes out ALOT mroe than he expected to pay but he still hopes she will open up.

then she orders the most expensive thing on the item, and he has had it.

He then proceades to exit out the door telling her he will be right back. HE tells the host he will be back as he has to make a phone call. He left his jacket at the table.

But in this is his passive aggressive geniuesness.

This jacket he had just bought form the Gap (ugh) on sale for 23usd.

where as the dinner he figured was easily a few hundread USD.

He got a few dozen voicemails from her saying he should pay her back the full ampount, so on and so forth.

and in this simple move he has become a hero, nay a legend in the NYC CL community.

Men adore him, Women hate him. He in a simple post a few days ago , has produced thousands of posts form admierers, calls for him to run for president to king.
claims that he will bring peace to the world, and inspired everysingle man to venture in to his local gap and purchase the same coat.. just in case.

he is only known as Gap Jacket Guy (sometomes as coat guy)
And he will live forever in all of our hearts.

VIVA GJG



now the disclaimer,
I would nbever do anything of the sort, and i did find it a bit mean and cold hearted but the person he was with is commonly reffered to as a "dinner whore" they will let a guy take them out, they will get the best, go to the best, but only to have it stop at that.

I do not condone such actions, or could ever see myself taking part in them.

That being said... I can;t help but admire his "hutspah"

¶ 5/11/2004 05:23:00 PM //

Google

Why I dislike the IPO (personal)
But it may reinvigorate the tech sector

A post dedicated to the newest verb of the early 21st century. Google.

The IPO initially scared me. What happens is once a company is public, it no longer is responsible to solely itself and it?s employees, thrown in to the equation comes the stockholder (see redhat) It starts to dwell on the bottom line. It starts to mutate. On ever desktop company wide a stock ticker springs up as though by magic over night on ever employees bottom right hand corner. Productivity suffers a bit.

And eventually evil sinks in. (contrary to google company motto #6)

Some will argue google has always been evil , but I say nay. They collect massive amounts of info. How do you think they got to be so good? R&D mofo!

Some will say they hire spooks and thus are evil.
I say spooks are the best lot you can get in terms of security proffesinals. Would you want your head of security to be a rent a cop or former deputy director of the FBI? Spooks but their time in with the govt. not for the pay, but for the resume. (IE: the comish of the NYPD makes roughly 350.000 usd a year (yes more than Clinton made) where as Ashcroft makes far less?

Reasons surpass this simplistic explanation but I?ve digressed. Spooks make good private sector security professionals. Trained by the best and what have you.

But in recent reports? it seems like google will try to maintain its kooky self. Or so I hope.

Languages

A prime example would be the languages under preferences,. I stumbled across this accidentally but, they have every thing from

Elmor Fudd




to Hacker





to Piglatin




the list goes on and on but, don?t expect this sort of spunk from Yahoo (corporate)

I only fear that google will one day lose it?s sense of humor as so many post IPO companies concerned , nay consumed with the bottom line do.


GMAIL

Yes I have a gmail acct and LOVE it (love)
I suspect eventually people wanting multiple accounts will be a problem (After all at a gig each for free is a lot of rack space)

It?s just so user friendly, all java so no more hitting the F5 key

I just hope they don?t pull the plug, especially now since almost all my earthlink accts now fwd to gmail

I already used my invitations though, sorry kids


Gmail accts for sale

Do a search on craigs, or ebay and you?ll see gmail accounts for sale, once I saw one for 200usd...

That?s a bit unpleasing. (after all I wanted to be the only one)

Thieving ungrateful bastards (in short)

¶ 5/11/2004 06:39:00 AM //

Elizabeth? please email me....(same address)

or call (same number)

it's rickito...

¶ 5/08/2004 04:23:00 PM //

So after seeing this.. doesn’t it make you want it?

Ok maybe not but it worked on me, but for all its cleverness you have to admit






its all on the outside, (very ugly bottle)

long story short, I saw a scent I had to have, and ended up spending a few thousand on scents (vanity will be the end of me)

FCUK stands for
French Connection in the United Kingdom

I think they have a entire line of various clothing and what have you . It was either in the Midwest or England (I really can’t recall) there was a huge uproar over the marketing campaign for the scents. (named him and her) so it was something like
“Don’t you want FCUK her(him)?” and they had free t shirts and really provocative ad campaign (mothers were on the war path, etc etc

I fell for it.

The bottle itself is kind of ugly and the scent itself is a bit …it smells fine initially, however it has almost a after smell sort of effect that is bit of a turn off.

FUCK i sound like such a bloody teeny bopper (maybe becouse i skipped ages 2 though 20 and jumped straight to 46... said the 22 year old)

The topic of scents also came up today when I was watching the sever beating of bill to a bloody pulp

S had whom I had gone to see the movie with enquired as to what I was wearing, and it was good old trust Armani. I can never go wrong with Armani. (bit costly but always worth it)

We then got in to polo sport (this was during the pre previews portion of the movie. gripe to follow )

And it seems that every guy wore polo sport in high school, it was the end all be all in high school,….it didn’t hit me then but only now (as I still have a bottle that I found in the Mits) M wore in high school, I wore it all my friends did,. yet at the time I thought I was unique…..(I was but not by wearing polo sport)

I leave you with another one that I’m sure everyone knows…





10 points if you get it

¶ 5/04/2004 07:18:00 AM //

Michell husain
Libby holer

Few people come to my site, I skewer the referrals (yes I know who you are why you come here and could point you in the right direction.. but no)I hope , I;m looking for the initials ERS, a vanity search that would lead her here. But vanity was never her game.

She was far too moral
Far too self satisfied.

If only more could be like Elizabeth, but then again we are all human, whilst she , it’s a few things me and a few in her fan club have narrowed it down to
1. she is a test tube baby (my friends tell me this, her parents being brilliant scientists, her being a brilliant scientist, her perfection beyond the realm of words. Etc
2. She is a goddess masquerading as an angel.(this is mine, originally I thought angel, but no angel would be such a tease at times…, no angel could make flowers bloom, bird chirp, or the sky rip open and thunder to below when she would leave a room, even the sun would weep when she went inside)

Anyways, the 2 hits I get the most above all are for libby holer (if you don’t know who she is it’s a sad story) and I only made a off color reference to her once (now twice)

2nd runner up but gaining in the polls is Michell Husain form the BBC, who M has a bit of a fancy towards.


Afghan(food)
There is this place up the street a bit (in NYC streets can go 15+ miles, well the avenues at lest) its right by the Lebanese place that T went on and on about. So me and J(4?) stopped by and wow,. It was really good, but like everything in NY, Mexican food by Chinese people, and Afghan by Mexicans, don’t get me started on fondue.

Familia
I didn’t per say want a family, I simply wanted a family with her. The ideas that must have run through her head. She thought I wanted to get her pregnant to force her in to having a family… I was so hurt. I would never. I honored her , far too much.

I only had dreams of domestication with her in them(in mind) Kids were a very minor part. She never wanted children. And now.. that she has removed her self form the equations . I no long have any fantasies, maybe of meeting her again, but I know these wil never be more than dreams. (and it pains me)


Ploticos to major indictments, to organizations, to comprate perporatiers, of white collers, to moving cars, to moving wepons, to moving snow,…..to grey fucking market?

Am I going to be dealing pot on a corner next week?

Maybe shoplifting the week after

In short,. I received a shipment last week , and I haven’t the foggiest what to do with it all.. want a 24v power drill? Maybe a boost kit for your car? How about drill bits? Maybe a camera? Perhaps a DVD player?

I have no idea what series of cracks I fell through but here I am.

Family facilities over on bleeker.
600 a month!

So one of many of the family business has facilities over on Bleeker in NYC, (very very fashionable, and holier than thou hip, for me yes, for the parents, perhaps not. )

And I vaguely recall my moth screaming at the acquisition costs of the site (it was during the 80’s, and I knew it was well in to the millions,.. maybe beyond? Perhaps) so one could assume what millions in the 80’s translates to the post Giuliani NY price scheme of things.

I’m rarely in the area because of the fact it has such a holier than though attitude, however I made a cameo.

I was in the area doing,. well let’s call it a favor for someone (many things but I will resist the temptation to go off) and I was there , did what needed to be done. Spent a few hours, somewhere over the course of the transaction I pondered how much she paid a month for her place (well I am a landlord(sort of) and I think it’s a question that comes up) and she told me 600..A MONTH! Even 600 a week would have been a steal for the place she was in, hell 4800 a month would have been a steal…. I need to get with section 8.


What happens when you get in to a knife fight wearing your fav. T underneath

Originally this was a picture but umm no.

During the course of work, and as it is par to get in to altercations, and while on duty. I tend to get in to altercations. I treat the situation as best as I can. I keep in mind the body is a composite of a series of systems.

What needs to be done can be done most effecently by disabling these systems. All I need to get is one of 3 big ones. (brain/spine, repertory, circulatory) The simplest way to do this is via high caliber rifle. However this is not always an option. Thus either a low cal. With a high capacity , or a high caliber at close range.

Rarely do you get the cowboys with knives.

Well on this day in particular, I came across ..lets call him an opponent. And he pulls his side arm and I press his arm to the wall not enabling to get off a shot and I blow off his forearm (high cal) as to disable him

But I did not know I was up against superman, his arm ready to just fall off. He pulls out a tactical knife.
Fuck me I’m here with a dessert eagle and he pulls out a tactical knife (not a Gerber like I carry but he had a swat style tactical, didn’t pick up a name) He goes all Jackie Chan, and starts carving in to me (or trying)

And he got a good few swipes in, Initially the entire scene unfolding just caught me so off guard.

I knew the shirt was gone as was the tie (all slashed)
The suit the vest, all slashed up, then he took a jab and it bounced off. (I do wear Israeli body armor after all)

Short work was made of him, but when I finally got home to disguard the 3000usd suit, the 500usd shirt, the 100 usd tie, the 1500usd body armor,

The fucker cut my favorite t shirt too (I was wearing underneath) It would have been near even in terms of making absolutely nothing on the job considering spent ammunition and clothing, but to have my t shirt all cut up as well?

Sometimes I just can’t win

Kill bill
I saw kill bill 2, I liked kill bill 2 over one, where most prefer one, I prefer human hero’s (heroines) Some didn’t look as deep in to the movie as they should have, thus didn’t get it , even though I thought it was painfully transparent. It did get me revved to see Quientens new movie “Hero” after all, isn’t that what we all want?

Show and tell is evil

Materialism is in general, and I feel it starts with show and tell, showing off. So on and so forth.


Unbearable w/o

pda

started at maybe 1am, and after a few fuck ups and a excrutinarly , agonizingly , long wait (like a hour) after spending my last nerve and kissing my last wink of sleep goodbye, at 5:21 I now have my

pda

back!

Initially I feared being 6 months behind, then it looks more and more like I was going to get a update form the vaio (I had forgotten about) that would have put me a year or more behind, but luckily I was able to hack the file and substitute and work some mind numbing wizardry (I just checked it , it is in fact numb) I am now only 6 months behind,

I’m sure I will figure out what I forgot, but the major items of importance are all covered. (good shit)

The word evil used to hold so much more weight.
Dam the bush admin for making such a every day term now.

Squirrels hallucinations, no glasses weird

SO I awoke this morning to kind squirrels out side my
Really fighting, so I taped the window so they would stop, by then it was over, I looked out and I saw a squirrel with another squirrel in his mouth, now I have always been one to say they are evil but this was graphic. I thought it had killed the other one, but rather it was still alive , I saw it move. , I saw it breathing (the one that was in the mouth of the other being dragged around) It had stopped fighting. I can relate. Some days I don’t know why I fight.

It was really disturbing, so I went to get my camera, but it was downstairs, so instead I took a double take and without a doubt there it was. Later I went to sleep and thought about it, I can’t recall putting on my glasses and I only think I was awake.. maybe a dream? Maybe a hallucination?

Glasses play the key role in deciphering whether it’s a hallucination, or a dream, Clear hallucination blurry background = hallucination.

I do not worry about my actions during such situations. I am always honorable in my actions, I always do the right thing. I am always moral in my actions be them in reality or dream.

I always try to be fearless.

In the end, I can take the bullet, I can take the cuts, the hits, I can dive to save someone.

I have nothing to lose.

I already lost my Lizzy a long time ago.

¶ 5/02/2004 11:19:00 PM //