This is the price we pay.

This is the best example of it.





remember your friends you have lost.
Your family members lost.
Your neighbors lost
Your peers lost

It is important you see this.
It is important one day your children see this

IT is important your children know the price these hero's have paid

Honor them, do not shun them, the acts of heroism on their part.
The great service, the great duty they fulfill.

Do not let their deaths be in vain. Finish the task at hand
then punish those who caused their deaths. The Americans
who had no children to lose , who instead sent Americas
children to die. They sit upon their mantles calling this a disgrace.

I say nay, they are the disgrace which makes me ashamed to call myself
an American.

¶ 4/30/2004 11:51:00 PM //

Transcribed form a messy note pad, the 1st dream I had in a while that stayed with me for more than 5 minutes (like 6)

I can’t really recall the being but I believe I was either evading and escaping , or I was trying to get somewhere wicked fast, I don’t know which side of the law I was on or if integrity played any part in my roll, but I had to do something. . I was in a crown vic through (isn’t Victoria such a lovely name?) and finally I came up to a industrial complex along side what seemed a path bridge, and across the street was residential housing. I ‘m fairly sure it was where industrial zoning ended and where residential zoning picked up.

I can’t recall getting up and going in , but I did recall seeing a man in tan khakis and a blue wind breaker (fed?) and he seemed to be shadowing my moves, but I didn’t recall seeing his car . so I paid him only passing notice.

I as next in front of a desk asking this woman questions, I can’t recall what she looked like only that she was very disappointed with me and she still blamed me for the death of someone close to her . I didn’t get much info out of her so I moved on to another desk to question someone else. He was on the corner.. the more I think about it this very well could have been a police station.

I was in front of a desk on the corner by the windows. And we were shooting the shit as though we had been friends. And yet this person in a still sensed hostility towards myself, but this was to be expected to some measure.

He told me that I was not to blame for the mayors death. That it was a common practice to get votes. He slipped me a chart and it was just a mess that I didn’t take the time to decipher on the spot. . He said that mayors like to rug themselves and get sick, and then refuse medication in order to get the sympathy vote. HE also noted that in the past mayors have died as a result.

Then he gives me the pen he had, (a pink pen with pink ink) and says in a joking fashion maybe this would be more professional? Or he pointed at my pen and said not very professional. At this point I looked down and noticed I had a purple pen that wrote in purple ink. I also noticed .. wow I’m in a incredibly sharp suit just to be some detective.
Maybe I was a fed?

Then what sounded like a jackhammer but set me off in a all too familiar situation sounding too much like a 50 cal. Machine gun launched me in to the corner with a hand on my side arm. Every one else in the room didn’t pay any mind to it and were a bit shocked to see my reaction. I peaked over the window and was ready to draw my service piece when I saw the man in khakis and blue windbreak say to another man who was in the middle of the street
To free and show him his arms, he identified himself as NYPD as he drew his handgun. (Which made me wonder if he was part of perhaps my security detail?)
I could not make out what it was but from the corner of my eye I spied a sniper on a roof top take aim, HE was a NYPD sniper .

At this point I got up and mumbled something about a jack hammer and went back to sit down. every one went back to work…

This is all I can recall

¶ 4/30/2004 04:26:00 PM //

Dreams, but even these are converted form notes I found in a notepad in my bedroom..

There were people walking down a alley, .not especially dirty nor narrow just a alley and they walked in groups,.maybe sometimes as little as 2,….many as 10-12
They would sometimesd smack each others head as walking past and quick slamfests would break out,.they were all failry young,.maybe 20’s,…

So I stepped in and I could stop them and enforce a seace slam . I would only allow a group to go , I would seal off the sides , sometimes 2 groups, one from each side,..like floodgates, it was like magic powers or something, it was hard,….but sometimes they would still smack so I’d smack back,….then one girl whose face I didn’t see,.ran off, I heard a voice saying something like some people can never be helped,.so I ran after her,…..going after my lost cause, she went down the ally through a door to the left and I was in full pursuit, beyond the door was some sort of electronics shop she ran up the stairs that seemed to have a vcr under every step. She fell in to a pile on a step and I grabbed her not forcefully but upon her so she could not move and she took out a tape and played it (though I don’t recall seeing any tv’s / lcd’s she said it was her ,.but it was a music video of some sort, I can’t recall who and so I asked if she was in fact that artist,.she said no,. that she was a in the scene playing now, she was in a semi truck in the scene and the camera was zooming in on the drivers (she being the pssanger) ….

That’s all I recall. It wouldn’t be worth writing , but the situations with the dreams is now,..they are nothing but flash backs,.i just had one but I even forgot the flashback


Part 2.

There was a situation w/ the family and a gun man in a closet shooting out ,.there were more gun men but this one didn’t want to come out, I had a foam like gun,.well it shot foam,.and I tried to hit him but instead my uncle told me to blank the area, and I did while trying to avoid getting shot,….later I threw a match and ignited the flames,..

My grandmother(good one) was there,.she said I never returned her phone calls,.. but I showed her my caller id log which was a series of pictures of cars,.and said she never called,…..

Later I was upstairs, had a camera phone

Upstairs once again its totally unfamiliar settings, I was goofing with the girls taking photos (by goofing I mean goofing ,.they are my cousins after all) I had a camera phone, (I would never get one, wuality is just far too subpar)




Gaming is a expensive hobby if you think about it

Doom 3 500usd cards

So I keep hearing about Far Cry and I want it but believe it or not my video card won’t do it as it should be done. I mean to play the latest games you need the latest cards, which can run roughly around 500 usd, and that’s not counting keeping the processor /ram/hd’s in check. (I’m debating getting 500 gigs worth of raptor drives)

So to be a proper gamer, it’s at lest bare min (excluding cost of games) just to be able to be a gamer its like 100usd a month, that’s only in video cards. Then you have broadband subscription cost of games themselves, so on and so forth.


Loosing my mind

5 trips

milk water

password for things I want to type in to word

oen thing lead to another
door loks, to sqeeky doors
to machines
to serane wrap
to llint removal via tweezers
etc etc on and on

finally done

So I think I may have finally lost it.. I mean simple functions seem to be a struggle.. it started with the new locks (already covered in previous posts) and it took forever, I was just making so many immature little fuck ups and kept having to redo the work over and over so it would look decent. And between the procrastination and side jobs I thought I would never finish.

Example I needed to place a key on my downstairs desk to get copies made… easy enough, then on my way out the squeaky door, so I run downstairs to the pantry and grab some wd-40 and run back up and fix the door, while there I attack all the doors,…..dam forgot to place the key, well no biggie I have to go back down, and when I do I check all the doors downstairs and none squeak (because I’m fairly good about upkeep every where )I place the wd-40 in the pantry run back up, dam I forgot the key, run back down to the pantry and grab the wd-40 (like I said losing my mind) so I put it back and notice the plastic wrap on the washer and dryer form when I 1st got them (years ago) they have faded to a ugly tint . So I remove it but the top portion stays put, and seeing as how the washer dryer is a custom install there is no access to top of the units, so I have to move the machines and when I do I notice lots of lint, so I clean it and then when I remove the knobs, there is lint in the board,(control board) so I run upstairs grab a set of tweezers form a surgical kit and run back down to remove the lint,.by hand with tweezers.. a hour or so later its done and I move the machines back. I then walk by my desk, pick up my camera thinking a picture of the new locks….i get upstairs and shit, I forgot to put the key on my desk.

This just went on for almost 2 days.

When I went to make koolaid, I went in to the fridge, got out milk , and it only hit me I fucked up koolaid (yes I fucked up koolaid) when I went to put the milk back and saw the Brita water jug .

Since my Palm top computer when south I can’t do anything

What worse is I have no idea how much money I have in any of my accounts (well I could always do the match but it would take hours) I used to think if I needed something ad it to the list that would cross check my accts to see feasibility, I got so used to itemizing everything on it. And seeing my expenses and what have you , but now.. I am such a fuck up. I shop without known how much I have. And sure i could not shop (but I’m weak, you try and say no to Armani) so its like going somewhere on vacation and not knowing if you have enough to pay for it. ( id o but I’d hate to dip in to savings)

Hopefully ill get the pda working, its been over a month and I’ve ordered new parts,.maybe I’ll use the IR ports and the vaio out of storage m but I’ll still be 6 months to a year out of date.




crash, depression,

I just can’t help but look, she is , was always so entrancing, how could I stand to not look

The scientist look , in a sweater.

The other day I was shifting files around and I accidentally came across a picture I had forgotten to archive and put in storage, it was a picture of Elizabeth, she was in a sweater with a turtle neck. She looked like a femme fatale scientist. And she had that smile on her face and her chin held up she had such a confidence. Such pose. How could any one not melt at such determination. Some would argue her pride would be the end of her but I strongly disagree, it was so… amazing, so aw inspiring, so humbling. I really hope she makes it.

Anyways this just sent me in to a spiral of depression , I didn’t leave the bed for a few days and it just hurt so much. And I ranted (I may have on here) non stop to every other person.

But K sort of helped me a bit. She really gave me a much needed ego boost. , so I’m maybe half of what I was 2 weeks ago.. which itself is perhaps only a fraction fo what iw as once upon a time when I was happy.

Our domestication would have been such a beautiful
Thing

How do I fall out of love? Its been so long and still I haven/;t hyet I tyr and hopefully one day I will but till that day agony is almost assured

I;m nto going to go in to these,..my heart can’t really take it



American psycho guy

Naval war fare? Did they not know about our armada?

I think I covered how me and M give nick names to all the newscasters, today it was American psycho guy (on ABC) .. I was really a bit taken back at the attacks on the U.S. Navy by the Iraqi’s I mean, did they not hear about the 2 super fleets in the area? The seemingly unstoppable blue water naval armada the US has? I was also surprised they did as much damage as they did (8 us dead? ) though I’m sure it be very imposable to happen again





Money order

Really augments things with dr. kablooey

So a few months ago I got ripped off ebay , and they sent me on the run around for months, well a few days ago I finally got my replacement money order (full amount too minus 3 usd processing fees) so I go to the post office to cash it and they wouldn’t cash it, they wrote all over it then noticed I had a expired credit card, (which was still valid) I tried to explain it was valid but since i never used credit cards it was most likely at home (though I may have given it to Elizabeth) So I ran across the street and deposited it. I just hope the bank cashes it as the post office wrote all over the back of it.

However I was then on my was to Dr. Kablooeys place to fix her PC (in exchange I got premo cheese cake but this is a post unto itself) and this just knocked my entire day off (I was due in at 1:30 and ended up almost a hour late)

Well not to go in to too many details but I thought it be a simple ram upgrade but everything was just a antique, and I was dismayed I couldn’t get her to where i had hoped she would have been with the ram upgrades (only 96 megs) I was there for a few hours though (not my intention) and she said I more than earned it, and I was a bit tired by the time I left.

But the cake was AMAZING, extremely rich and near flawless.

She was a true coinsure of Craigslist





Shots of coffee(I don’t know what this was)

Long shutter mode

One day (few weeks now) I noticed a long shutter feature hidden away, so I played around and wow……I mean the possibilities really open up but you need to have either a rock steady hand or a decent tripod, I’ve taken a lot of great shots but nothing I can post, but its almost eire that you take a photo at 2 am and if the exposure is at say 15 seconds you would swear it wake taken during the day. My only gripe is there is a lot of “digital noise” in the photos.

Not the less amazing, if I take something that won’t reveal too much ill be sure to post.

Well ok one… now this one though a bit blurry, it was taken at 15 sec shutter at 3 in the morning in NYC (so relatively dark) if you look close you can see stars. The blur can be attributed to the wind blowing leaves , it wasn;t a well composed shot, nor a well thought out shot, but I just wanted to highlight the possibilities.







I would love to do a photo blog, only if I had the space and somehow the process was automated. If I had automation and space and bandwidth I would do a photoblog

But I would want uncompressed photos and maybe if I was braver. I do take a lot of what I consider amazing (for me) but I can’t show them. Also if I was braver to take photos in public I would.

That’s why I like A’s site so much. She seems fearless to take a photo and run. It’s almost like the population of the US is turning in to Japanese tourists (you know, they have the camera clicking at 1000 frames a second, etc etc)

It’s my only artistic outlet (that I’m decent at) so please bear with.


Though at family gatherings it’s usually me or my brother. (he inspired me to get a better camera to out do him in the 1st place) But even they get peeved. Next time I think no camera will be aloud.


Why is I get colds only when the weather is nice?

And they never get better on their own ,.not for the last year ,.i always need meds. As though my body refuses to fight any more because it has lost all it once used to fight for.

I have a cold (no more elaborations)

She’s like a medusa. In a sense. You look at her once and its all it takes,.your stuck forever,.in love with her.

I am stuck forever,.but I try to free myself form something that used to feel so wonderful , so amazing, so fulfilling, something that defined life and everything in it . Something, rather someone I no longer have which makes this a sick joke I play on myself, to have the will to see tomorrow. Though this is a fight I know I will soon lose.

¶ 4/30/2004 12:55:00 AM //

Well technically its a porsche





its actually my coffee maker. there are btter pictures of it , but these were on the top., thus voila


though on a side note the real prosche (with wheels and a horn) got sold after the dot com days.

I never had any attachment to it, never drove it,.. but if i find old photos i'll scan and ammend.

this reminded me of the arguments that were once had in CT (more like a mock argument)
is it pronunced "porsh" or "porsha" , if one person would take one position then by defult yours would have to be the opposite.

¶ 4/28/2004 12:41:00 PM //

i vaugly recall this, but it was notes form a dream that happen a few weeks ago,.. i've stoped dreaming since then. no explnations or explotations or the ntoes as ican;t recall anything beyond the notes


New house, ever yone uus and aahhhs

Very very very posh very modern,

Insanly nice (never have I seen)

Later at blue

Mother got intrepid

R driving,

M needs to go home, take bonnoville,

I try to stage it,….


Insert --Watching , tonys kid anthony jr.

But I cant back up, wrong gear, so I pull out and look in my mirror and I see
Impala uc pulling someone over in fornt of me, classic moded car with uc lights and guy with gun get pulled over and heveled, they are srawing on the car which now turns in to a piece of shit at some point, the hit I rusted spot that desiteragrates,., they take pictures but draw on them as they goon, im think late

Up on a hill I see the blue van and its coming fast and its tony soprano standing up and dirving and he hands me off a lighter I try and run after him going no no wait wait, and he says something like what the fuck
Goes off

Hops curb

Goes to location blue

b

¶ 4/28/2004 12:10:00 PM //

This is all old news that I have not updated/looked at thus, ..better late than never

Baldwin lock

Last time I was in CT I may have mentioned the fiasco with being locked out of the compound by leaving my remote inside the house whilst unloading the supply truck , bring in logistics, (groceries, , water filtration equip, for the filtration /well room) and I got locked out,.. anyways I went through a lot before finally getting in.

While this all went on a key got broken and left in the side door.

It was a mortise style lock (costly)
So I came across this 1200usd Baldwin set for a ridicules discount, and I was all over it.

Later it dawned on me that perhaps it may not fit, and a phone call after it was confirmed, I had just got my father a X hundred USD lump of solid brass


Somewhere in my journeys I noted there is a new standard of locks that go beyond ANSI class 1.
And seeing as how I am just paranoid, I went out and got the new standard, just bedrooms and bathrooms but
They are entry level grade, they have titanium cores like the baldwins and will withstand for longer than the door.

A lot of problems people do is they get new locks but forget to reinforce the hinges. Big no no , so all the doors now also have titanium hinges , the doors also have titanium poles running through them now. It was all really expensive, and I could have settled for steel but. Good shit.

The locks I believe were 500 usd each (I needed to get a few dozen so I’m not sure whether I got a bulk discount or not)

In essence the doors will last longer than the walls and you will need at lest c4 to get in (it should go without saying they are all pick proof,…..which is good, but copies of new keys are a bit costly

IT may not be worth it for the purpose of security , and I did have normal balwind bed and bath knobs before, but these have a really nice sensation when you turn the knob, use the keys ,just holding the knobs, it’s a really nice sensation that the satin finish gives off.


But I Got my father

Picture disappearing

Odd

Disgrace

I also got my parents a series of pictures, I took the photos last I was there, got them frames, so on and so forth. (though I doubt they will ever be hung. So my uncle (P) came over so he said he would take the parcel to my parents.

Later in CT I inquired to how they liked the photo of the kids getting drunk?

Kids getting drunk,….well it was sort of funny story, my one cousin (G2) has a raging alcoholic for a father (who happens to own a few liquor stores) and his head was slumped as his father is when he gets drunk and in front of him a massive mess of empty bottles and half filled glasses from when the men had gathered and had drinks (and were at the dinner table eating,….yes like cave men) so I took a snap, later a few of my other cousins took the glasses and toasted above him and another snap,. anyways it was a great series)

So I asked about how he(Father) liked this photo, but he said no such photo had come, and he recounted the frames and one was missing, I thought it odd as the box had been originally sealed.

So he went to my uncle who denied everything whilist my mother placed a call to my aunt who revealed all.

Later my uncle admitted to takeing the photo and gave the excuse that he thought as it was his child in the photo (he was one of 3 others) that the photo should be logn to him. Which I would have maybe consided to but, why did he need the solid silver frame?

It was so odd and out of place for him. He was always thought to be on a higher moral plateau on contrast to my army of other uncles.

It’s a shame now because such a simple incident will cause him so much disgrace for years , and possibly pass on to his children. This is provided it hasn’t gotten out and the situation ahs been controlled. (A discreet call was placed via secure line form my father to keep the matter quiet) So it may have been quarantined.

But that’s all it takes folk. One slip up and such and your on the shit list in the family for a good hundred years.


Series of notes form watching “The world according to Garp” which I thought was excellent even though some scenes did really make my heart ache a bit.

It breaks my heart to see couples cheating.
Even when it’s fictitious and on the screen.

And what’s worse is when both parties do it, and one over reacts..

Maybe its because I was hurt?,……no even prior to that it would happen,
Maybe its because I was in love and I believed in love ,..or rather I believed in Elizabeth


I don’t think I have the heart for this life,…..the stomach,. sure

After all the sick disgusting vile things I do for the sake of work,
The lost causes I’m hired to fight for, the vendettas that need to be filled,..

That’s sweet kid,., who was always afraid of death,….
And his mother,. well she was blackmailed but,…


This movie,. it got to me. The couple that cheated. I was ready to scream to the screen no don’t and he did. And to her I wanted to say the same and she did. But unlike him she kept it going. How he had the audacity to overreact when he was initially just as guilty. (it really got to me….as I would never , never cheat. Even when with Elizabeth I was so deeply in love that other people simple ceased being attractive to me,. this is something I sport of still suffer from)

The cheating scenes really turned my stomach.

Initially when I saw the “flying” I thought it was so dangerous, that I would never take such a risk with my family,. If I had one or even Elizabeth (I promise ill try and cut back on talking about her after I get all these weirdish series of posts out of the way)

And then when the guy blackmailed her in to going down (to which I was so angry at him, to which I was also saying NO NO NO!) and when they were coming I was saying please don’t fly,…and they flew. And it was such a shame.
The boy who was always so afraid of death.

They got back together. Which I thought must have been so hard.

The Feminist who would not allow him to his own mother funeral , enraged me. And the women who could not speak, loving his book touched me a bit. It was a shame the way it ended. Killed by the group whose purpose he did more for above all.

It was just a really good movie , it takes a good movie to pull so many strings.




I suppose,…could never be upset at Elizabeth,…too sweet too loving , too kind, too perfect,…and I loved her too much

If I could only stop I’d be better, I know I would.

Being that I love her so much,. I really really hope she finds some dashing scientist/Italian soccer player of her liking,…
I would want nothing more for her to chose me but,….that is a impossibility it seems,. she has already moved on so many times over.

She was always so sweet to me, and it wasn’t broad strokes, the small things, the way she held me, the way she would run her fingers through my hair , the way she would caress my eyebrows,. but now, it seems even those eyebrows missing her have fallen out. the way she would make up for any perceived wrong doings (she never could do any wrong)

She was always so very diplomatic. She had this look she would get sometimes. A quiet grin. Her chin up high. This looks of brilliance on her eyes. As though she knew the secrets to the world (she did) and you didn’t and . that was her own personal joke. Such a air of confidence. I mean just really really confident. But not cocky or arrogant. It was very subdued .

I so loved it when she believed in her self. When she was proud. She was such a proud person. Of what she has done and will do, the determination of a proper geniuses.

In her I see all the hallmarks of excellence.

One day you will hear about her. And you will all see her. And you will as I have fall deeply madly in love with her. She her look , her voice , its all so hypnotic. She is too good for mankind. Thus her elevation to goddess.

And as I’ve said before in a seemingly effort (no not really) to show my attempt for god (though god would agree with me) that even god is not worthy for such a …for Elizabeth

¶ 4/28/2004 11:39:00 AM //

This is the one who helps me with my pain

These are his friends who promise me a pain free existence

Soon to be freshly void of a heart that causes so much pain As its been infected with "LizzyWizzyItus" as dubbed by officials at UNAM. Which has also been deemed to be incurable.

these choice are really quite simple.

1. go on liveing in agony never to see her again, yet caring so deeply, and having so much love so much for her.

2. cease to care and in essence cease to live.

one day,.....i hope to be pain free.
but there is no hope left , a commodity traded to the devil or more love, to give to her. I always felt I could never love her enough. That she deserved to be loved mroe by me. This is what happens when you jump blindly boys and girls. The story of the world.

Romantic in principal,
Disastrous in practice.

¶ 4/24/2004 09:01:00 PM //

All I want is someone to make happy

Someone who I could care about, that would let me

Someone who would inspire me to be a better person

I want to be a better person, but it seem i can’t do anything for myself

I need fire in my heart, it turned cold so long ago I forgot what it is to feel,

And when I did feel all I wanted was for it to stop,…

Its as though I haven’t been able to breath for the last year

I used to e such a rebel, such a anarchist,
Because i had nothing to lose,

When I had her, I had everything to lose, she was everything

Then I lost everything

Now I am the same fucking wimp

I went from borderline insane , by all means neccery type. To Mr. Rodgers.

Elizabeth,. in addition to all ,……beautiful
Elizabeth was like seeing a master piece, an amazing breath taking painting come to life,
And when she speaks, it’s the sweetest song, the sweetest voice, everything about her is intoxicating

She is a drug, I used to tell her I was addicted
And rehab would never help

Here I am in rehab….trying but I can’t

Trying to throw my vows that have become apart of me out the window,

I can not do so without throwing myself out the window

I feel guilty calling her beautiful because she was just so much more, just so wonderful so brilliant, so smart, so witty , so amazing, I can not say just one thing alone,.

Such confidence such pose

Devastated if she ever got married and have children but ultimately I would be happy that she found what she could not find in me, that she found love,.becouse as I relive the events,.they seem so, convaluded, so mixed, I would have swore she loved me, but leaveing me as she did, it can not be so. What a acrtress she must have been to fke the passion behind her eyes, the glow.


Now its sytems, I live a life of stems, it sboring disciplined to a degree, I try to adapt mannoirisms that will seem to make me come across as normal,.

I get up because I neet tire myself fout in order to sleep again, that or drugs. In order to achive the ability to tire myself out I must eat, in order to eat I must work, and I do it all,…..so I can go to sleep again.

But I fake a smile the best I know how, one day it will seem natural.

One day if I live to an old age, I may adapte the manorisms that constatues a normal life to be my own.

I used to always think I was ment for greater things,…. I was always so brilliant now.. I’m so clumbsy so forgetful,

Now my life,.everyting,.it hasnothing,.

What is supsoe to happen is you have no directiong fall in love and everything makes sence,.

What happen in my face was I hate the intial inetrtia that was propelling me and well it just so happen to work out
And iw as content, then I feel in love, the ruiles rewritten and all iwanted was her, and my life, my universe, rvolevd around her,. Now t`hta I am with out her,..i’m in the dark without my sun, no direction, rather than bumble in the dark I show to lay down,.my body growing weak, my eye site fading,.and one day I know I will wake up and it will not happen,.my eyes won’t open,..it will be over

And I won’t have to worry about Elizabeth any more,.where she is hwo she is, trying to move on tyring to fal out of lvove with her, trying to pelase her,..it won’t matter

Be it she is a goddess, or an angel …but a creation of god, that not even god is worthy of, Elizabeth may be in fact god,… btu none the less,…..these sort of creatures,.even when they do move on , they move on to a far better palce than I will go if such places even exist,…I’ve been told it’s the 7th level for me,…

That’s were the people , the sort I associate with go to ,.. if in fact such places exist.

Its not wether you will got o hevean or hell,…though in my time here I have already experienced hjoy and happiness far greater than any I would anticipate in hevean,.(looking in to elizabeths eyes and being lost,..never wanting to find the way back home,..for I was home)

Rather its what level of hell,…

I’ve packed my bags and my sun glasses .
,.


Incoherant flash back seems to be all that’s left of my memories,.i no longer dream, I wonder the day with flashbacks of what I dreamt the night before, or perhaps thew week before,…never do they make any sence, never can I dispher them form realities that I once lived, if mundane they were in nature,.i wouldn’t care. But the blody count, can’t stand the tests of sanity

I don’t know whats wrong with my face but its accelerating,.
For years ive felt like I have been just narrowly escaping deaths grasp but now,. I don’t have the emotional support and indeed emotionally I’m just so drained so dead, outside,.its showing,.
My face is now bleeding,.i am really thinking its skin cancer,.its just such a rapid deteroration
But its coming through in such a uniform pattern.

And I was always told I was immune to so many deiseases because of my gentic make up, I assumed it was the cold air in the winter but today was 86,…..(suposidly) and yet,…it only spread to my forehead,.i don’t want to go in public because I think they ,…well people wil just point and go ugh,.my uncle (believe it or not out of the entire family the one uncle who makes fun of me the most noticed,..maybe he was looking to poke fun? I can’t say) he noticed,…no one else said anything,.

I will be amazied if I see December,….

I can only blame myself,.i was (still am) so hurt over Elizabeth I begged for a quick death every night,.

Half my message got through,……now that I set up that site and posted her picture online,….(it was decent) ….its all I look at,. her angelic smile, the way she put on her make up though she never needed it,……but I always felt special when she did wear it,…(btw I’m not going through w. the site and the threat will be taken down…….but ll leave the site up,…..just in case i’m alive she see is and freaks)

I take pictures,.of my cars of my house the home theater the computers all material goods, nothing with any of the currency that really matters,….i invested everything that counted in Elizabeth,…..and in the end, I had no other real friends then her, and in the wake of the devastation she left unknowingly,. I am alone, I have no friends, no prospects of love ever again,. I just so dearly miss her.

if she was dead it be easier to justify my actions, I could blame god or what have you but she left me if I only knew why,. all I can do is blame myself for reasons I do not knowing

god that is such a horrible thing to say.

I am so sorry to her for everything. I feel so guilt for taking up so much of her time.

But , I am thankful for every moment we were together.

When we were apart, ever moment seemed to last a lifetime, lifetimes wishing for it to be over. However when we were together, all those moments were forgotten, all those moments of waiting, and in the moment every moment was unforgettable, every time we were together, I was just so badly in love. Every minute detail engrained in to a memory that refuses to be erased, a memory that now haunts me, now that she is gone.

¶ 4/24/2004 08:55:00 PM //

ok so earthlink really fucked with me and i have had no reliable internet ocnnection for the last few days in addition all my pictures that were online are now all gone, and since htye have no mass upload system...

its all gone

i'll try to get around to reuploading everyhting but i;m guessing a solid 4-5 hours of shit i'll have to wade thorugh,....and here iwas ready to do a fresh batch

umm on the plus side,.....

i have a highly coveted gmail acct.

fuck yeah,.

oht hte bitter sweetness of my lfie is all too painfully evident,.

lose elizabeth then get alot more $

when i had elizabeth i was streched to the limit, hence not being able to visit her nearly as often as i wished and now,.....well i have money but i throw it away,

can't buy love,

can't buy a patch to fix a broken heart.

¶ 4/22/2004 07:23:00 PM //

Fortune cookies w. Mexican food

I’ve gone over the entire oddities when ordering take out around here, the entire oddity of ordering Mexican food at a Chinese place w/o having the snippy attitude,…

Here’s a new one, fortune cookies with tacos,….DAM I forgot to take a photos, it was a Kodak moment,….later I ordered Chinese for the 1st time in months,…..it was just as I recalled,…….meh, but one day my leather lining will wear thin and food will be important,…not now.

Tooth

Crest white strips are actually a government black ops torture prototype , that just so happen to whiten teeth as well, holy shit do they hurt, inadvertently I have skipped the last 2 days due to a enormous influx of foreign assignments (it seems like every 6 months I need pages added to my passport, I might as well apply for diplomatic privileges, it seems like the days back at the EU/UN where I spent more time at 3o,ooo ft than I did on the ground , and more time abroad than state side , )

Nevertheless, they do work really well,

Oh and the government black ops thing,….its a joke, I know nipr.mil likes to frequent the site as of late so,. It’s a joke, as well as everything I say,…so =p maybe I should get a privacy notice

Privacy notice,

Something to the effect that I know where you come here form and I hate you petafiles who frequent here,…. Yes, I love a girl but no she not 10! She’s …well actually, she’s older than I am,. However, I always seemed the older one,…then again I’m 22 (I think) going on 62..

Old

In a few days I’m going to venture in to one of the storage facilities dig out my grand fathers old NASA-esque wardrobe and start going around in white short sleeve color shirts and grey Govt slacks with architect specs,…till then I guess I’m sticking with Calvin.






Iraq

I usually don’t comment on the obvious, but holy shit did it hit the fan, I mean, this is something that could logistically be easily crushed, but it’s the collateral damage, in addition civilian body counts are really hard to calculate when it comes to insurgents, and urban warfare, they have their klushnicuffs however as soon as they are down the weapons get brushed aside and then by some miracle they are absolved of all sins, and voila,.. Innocent death,

Now I am just speaking form a logistics standpoint (as a former logistics officer)

The guns for hire,……well every one does that, we did it in Bosnia, and it still didn’t save my arm form almost getting blow off and 13 people dieing, but, I can only imagine the what ifs, what if the UN escort had not left us, what if we had no brought along a cache of weapons for the field office, what if we had less men, what if we had not employed TRANE (our mercenaries) what if what if what if,…..

These mercenaries are the a vital part in a war that has the media on them 24/7, they can do things with regard to moral and ethics, but they also have saved countless US lives in Iraq alone

See those guys with Bremer, they are not secret service, they are in fact mercenaries, with their own helicopters and the entire 9 , I can only imagine what its costing the US to employee them, I mean they make low to mid 6 figures a year,….(Secret service make low 6)

Hostages

The Iraqis only come off as ignorant when they take Japanese hostages, and further more when they make more demands after deadlines have passed,. Japan is such a green country thanks to strict sanctions imposed on their SDF (self defense force) their hummers still have the new car scent, they don’t even have desert cammo, and they and not in the south.

They are a force of doctors and engineers with very few grunts, they are not a fighting force or even a battalion, and well no actually, I think it may be a battalion, maybe a battery

They took two Palestinian hostages because they had Israeli passports and labeled them Israeli spies! Don’t they realize Palestines are legally Israelis? That they have Israeli passports?

They are really just fucking them selves over; they are loosing sympathy (which is an incalculably valuable commodity on the world stage)

Hamill (I think that’s his name)

They are having a prayer session at the local courthouse,….to pray for him(I feel sorry for him) M doesn’t see anything wrong with this yet,…well see ahead few paragraphs

Iraqi battalion

Moreover, what’s up with this Iraqi battalion? The one that refused to fight, they were all like a bunch of slackers in new clothes, M agreed with them , siteing civil war, but I strongly disagree,……I mean the US soldier was just like WTF! You pay them you arm them, during an occupation, what did they think they were going to do? Attack Kuwait again?

The left moving further left

When I met M, he was a moderate left-winger like many people I know,
And I wont claim to be left and right, on some issues I could go with way, and I’m a republican at core for the initial principals which the republican party were based upon (big military, small government) but it seems like the opposite holds true today ,

And the republican party, is just so blatant just so fuck you, and the democrats are not unified, rather like splinter groups, and the moderate lefts I knew all went far left, M says now shit that’s borders on treason in some countries, cries for blood on the streets, and such, I mean, he’s the typical overzealous grad student, and he means well, and if it was just him I wouldn’t mind. However, its every one, the rift is really growing in this country, the 47% approval rating of bush means so much more,.. It’s border lien scary

Umm for the record I’[m not a republican (or a democrat) and as of late with the exception of a few military actions strongly disagree with about everything this admin has done, and even on the military front they cut the Comanche program in exchange for a new battle group? WTF! You need stealth helicopters, you need NEED! Apaches are not stealth, they get hit they go down, Comanche’s don’t get locked on thus they don’t get his thus they can get closer for better support,

In addition, what’s up with giving all the helicopters Native American tribal names?

Part of the restitution to name every other piece of new military hardware after some sort of Native American paraphernalia (tomahawk missile, etc etc) why isn’t their a lawsuit against Lockheed?

Maybe I'm just peeved over the Comanche because it’s costing my family tens of millions, (maybe more, I never get involved in the money) but trust me, logistically its something they need)


Money order found, thank god


Make to domestic front, few weeks ago I sent out a money order for a purchase (19,000usd, there bouts) for a few suits (4) that I had done up by a tailor someone recommended, I didn’t know the person so we did it through eBay (insurance $ for fraud) not very ethical, but legal,

Moreover, he tells me he never got payment (though I send him receipts) now I’m about ready to fly over, do a freebie, and make him sorry, and so I tell him to wait, a week trying to keep a cool head,

eBay is really really bad about rebursments, they are not very customer friendly, the way the model is, they don’t have to be, think of it like a mall, the mall management may be dicks but the people at the Armani exchange are nice,…….so it doesn’t matter,

so I call my friend, and he calls the schmuck reminds him of who I am,…..but he says he still didn’t get it, then he clued him in to what I do,…..moments later payment is miraculously found and returned and the suits are free,..

Yes, low people in high places (or w/ sat links) is what I am all about…


Condi,
I know more political flavor than most posts but I saw Condi’s testimony, and wow, she was a bit snippety,…. In addition, the widows should NOT be aloud in their if they are going to clap at every other thing; you don’t clap during a hearing, you can witness, not participate,

Also, anyone on the board who refers to her, as Condi instead of Dr. Rice should be stricken form the board, WTF! at lest try to pretend to be impartial.

Back to the c-span, wow,……they let anyone get on c-span w/ the phone calls,

When you leave a mic alone, only the most ignorant will be drawn to it.

1. was the racist guy,…..no need to go in to what he went on and on about (you can imagine)
2. some lady about how in Italy they have Uzi’s,……I just wanted to smack her upside the head,…now in 2001 I was out side the UN in a suburban with a shot gun thinking,….what is a shot gun going to do vs. a fucking 747? Has this person not looked at the machine guns at JFK? They not loaded; machine guns do nothing vs. 7474’s at best they give a false sense of security AT BEST, beyond that they only intimidate the public.
a. on a side note that’s why I got permanently banned from Craigslist, I pointed out that the NYPD during a budget situation gave all the ESU members and all the tactical units brand new MP5 HK machine guns (very very expensive) where as before only the swat teams had them, what wrong with a m-16? You’re not going to use them anyways, it’s not Iraq.
3. There were the swarms that said it should not have been public (the testimony) they watch c-span, do they not know their will be a private one as well? They think there should be no transparency. It’s about as transparent as a ½-mile underground harden bunker thanks to Ashcroft.


Pfft

If bush is reelected, I am going to have to hand it to Nostradamus

Nostradamus predicted the invasions, and taking over the world thing, and I am super skeptical about these sort of things as well, and he said it could go one of 2 ways but,
Seriously, if bush is reelected, I am a believer. (Though I’m voting with my mind this time over my heart,…….my mind says Kerry (though it wants Wes Clark as did the heart and wallet) butt he heart says Nader)


Smiley faces on emails,….argh, but Elizabeth did them,. Sweet girl,


I don’t know about people who use smiley faces all the time,…then again Elizabeth the great scientist,….she used them,. so did Vice Roy A.

I met A by freak chance umm, she’s getting over someone, (it’s not romantic) she uses them too…… I don’t know I wrote a lot to her,. I may attach the email, it was all a bit heart wrenching.


Parcels

I get many parcels,..A LOT, and I notice I do it subconsciously,

I send myself something, that way I always have a reason to get up, a reason to expect something, even though I know what it is/where it is coming from

It gives me a reason to get up when ever it is a do for something, be it a self-fulfilling prophecy

as i type i'm expecting atlest 8-12 parcels, and am turing inside till i get them.

Free!

So I have given a way a lot of free things on Craig’s,…..I had a printer and well, good karma and all I tired to give it away for free, my god! The idiotic replies and demands I got form people so they could ”take it off my hands” and do my a favor… as I was giving one person direction he kept telling me I was wrong,…I could not begin to convoy my “pissed off ness”

So to those who actually needed a free printer I’m sorry but to the attic with you and to hell with the rest. Its just too much work (163 replies in under a hour)

Come on it’s only a 200usd printer and a new one is 1/3 of that

now i get emails form the resllers trying to make me feel guilty i didnt give it to them and as a result thier buisnesses will siffer and thier children go hungrey,.....cry me a river, you profit off of the good wills of other becouse your and you children will go hungrey becouse the rock you base your business model on is a slippery slope.

This page takes way too long to load,…..hence every 30 days ill go back to the old so I can backup and then back to this(its almost 2 megs of just text maybe 4-5 including pics, I let it slide for far too long) this will also help me with bandwidth limits

Its odd , I exceed every month , but it never goes down, yes it’s one of the best checks I cut every month (to earthlink),.well actually its not a check,… and umm earthlink, well they still call the fax line form time to time trying to get be to subscribe,…..marketing needs to talk to billing a bit more often

MONKIES!
This may be my new fetish,…I can't have penguins because, well those were Elizabeth’s, ill save those for happier times with her, .monkeys on the other hand,….she didn’t like monkeys,……uuu uu ahhh ahhha (she thought that was cute though)





Unless I sit here, I cannot seem to type; yes, I've been a major slack I know I know


With the exception of the post coming soon (or already posted) , after the last dream, that had Elizabeth, there have been no more dreams,……they have all stopped, its been 2-3 weeks

¶ 4/15/2004 09:23:00 AM //

For reasons that should be too obvious, this is here,....





I may have mentioned it but back in the days when I was on the light (right) side of things and I was working for Brussels,
I was offered a book deal over the incident in the yugoslov, and I sat down with the publishing house, and the more they talked to me the more they wanted (at the time I was still with Elizabeth, and she also fascinated them)

I lack all writing ability(see: this page)

and I initially was positive about it but, recent events, and recent changes in Job title (of sorts) prevents me from disclosing anything , beyond the incident in the former Yugoslav. And even that would have to go through the the main offices before getting released,.

So in a effort to not get a call and find out I am a client instead of the server, I am not going to do any sort of book ,
maybe one on Elizabeth,....Maybe, everyone always said it was like a fairy tale (its a shame about the ending though)





This is simpley here because outside the fact its funny,.

in CT my parents main house has no intercom system (which it should because, to say the least, sprawling) so in a effort to
find someone in the house without running in circles for a hour (you could go a solid 12 hours in the house thinking you were alone only to find out that in fact every one was at home and having a small dinner party)

so we use cell phones in the house all the time calling the main lines /.Office lines/study lines, etc etc

initially this got my father to smile and my mother to scream (will more like that look of disgust that I get far too often when I am there)


so ummm,.....tada?..

si ................TADA!


NICHE! I forgot something,.. There will be no more comics
There are simply too many that are too good, that can be seen in their own respective arenas(to the top right of the page the new link) and their respective (ingenious) artists don;t need me ripping them off(though I do not try to pass them off as mine)

thus the last strips (not what you were thinking/ tisk itsk, dirty mind)

¶ 4/13/2004 07:46:00 AM //

Terror , tunnell, guns soccer

Violence,

Escape free

I should have taken better, notes, I cant recall much becouse it’s the next dream that stole the show,…

So I was I think in back of a Toyota pick up and we pulled up in to a stadium and they had the old school bontana grenades or something (explosives on the end of sticks) and the premis was soccer game, but we were going to launch an attack,

And it was launched but pretty pitiful, I wasn’t myself, I didn’t think I just seemed to gun and run, nothing I did was very like myself, like I was in the taliban or a paki,

And it continued for ever it seemed, (gunning and running) and at some point as we were escaping through a tunnel we came out the other end only to have soccer players launch a counter offensive against us ( I don’t like soccer much, though be it a few noterities in the family are fairly well known for being pro ish athletes)

So the truck was gone I bailed and I just strated booking, I was waiting to feel hot lead in my back but I ran and ran and it never came,…. I was about to exit a field and enter a wooded area, but I stoped short,.looked back…..iwas free I got away

This dream made no sense,.. it was very long but it was all so repeditive,.iwas surprised to say the least I made it out alive,




Car, merc cell phones mini can

Love lick no

i rarely dream of Elizabeth (its always welcomed) even when we were together, but this was the 1st erotic dream I had of her, and in it may in fact be the 1st, I rarly have “wet” dreams, becouse I play the boyscout and such,…. Etc etc,… it was an oddity and the truth hit far too close to home,.

I pulled up in to a semi full parking lot, I had meetings, Elizabeth was with me, in the car, and she said I could go (she never looked at me through out the entire dream) and so I went off and I sat down with associates from the Russians I sued to run with back in Brooklyn before the pier 1 incident, I think bobby deniro was there (in ny we call him bobby)

I told him id be back I went back to the car (late model light merc c class) and Elizabeth was there , and her top was exposed (she was looking away so I couldn’t see anything but her breast, which were unforgettable, for her statue they were fairly large (for anyone’s) she hated them, but I thought it made her even more appealing, such a drop dead gorgeous figure and yet she was so modest, and so quick to advertise her other virtues, (there was a brain in that bombshell, and last I checked a heart, but after she left me I cant be sure, the way she left)

She had two nokia phones the sort with no antennas, and she had them placed against her breasts, and I think they were on vibrate? Cant be sure it just seemed so odd, yet remensit of some of the x rated photos she sent me (very tasteful, and soon to be all posted on a site ill dedicate to her ruing me, )

So I asked her what she was doing and it was almost as though she was shushing me (she never said anything directly to me or looked at me) so I thought maybe it was surprise for me , that she would be ready when I got back (in all the time we were together she never actually slept with me,…….yes i was silvermen) and so she mumbled something like that if I wanted to do something it had better be good because I was usually shit, (nto true as I had her screaming in boston) and so I jumped to the front seat (or back not sure) with her held her and went for her ear (She mentioned she loved this) and a gasp escaped her ,
So I pressed myself against her but I noticed her hand go south and her attention focused somewhere else,….. she was looking at a mini van across the lot, it had 2 guys in it and she was giving them a show,…..

So I gave up,.its a fight I knew I couldn’t win,.i kissed her on the forehead , told her I loved her and went on to my meeting with my business partners,….

It really disturbed me this dream, it hit home so well,
Its really is a good/disturbing barometer of things to come

¶ 4/12/2004 05:19:00 PM //

This one is the better of the 2 (above) i wanted to draw attention to the tree in the backround, which almsot looks like white flames at the end of the dark path,.... anything on here has been really degraded, etc etc






I took these once upon a time, and they have been ment to be posted but never were,.....thus voila
they were the end of my b/w phase but,...yesterday i started again.. so umm,

yes i am the walking living breathing cliche in color, new but not imporved

¶ 4/12/2004 01:32:00 PM //

about the entire thing with Elizabeth, I reread the affirmations and, I do not think i will go through with it. It turns my stomach, there is no honor in it.

I have a few hundread pages in the wings,

and a few dozen photos, everything is on the server,.

but its sunday, and no one gets anything till tony kills atlest one person.

meh..

¶ 4/11/2004 04:46:00 PM //

424am

final 1024x 768
Microsoft / ie compatible

Not too many loses over text,

Some set backs

THEREFORE, in a reaffirmation of my commitment to destroy Elizabeth if she does not step forward, and tell me why she fell out of love/why she left me the way she did. I placed a hyperlink over to the right of the page, but whilst I was knee deep in html (because I deleted something vital by accident (oops) and didn’t know what so I was in a frenzy to fix)... and then when I was done when the skies parted, Lizzy smiled and the sun showed itself after 40 days and 40 nights of torrential, technical rain,..

Mozilla fucking crashed,… fucking aye! God dam son of a bitch piece of bitch beta hackware,……well its better than IE, so I went back to work (424 in the am at this point)

And now,.. Its IE 1024 x 768 compatible, the most popular config of seemingly all-time and still is (though it should not be). Now every one can see how big the past is, .see! Look! You syes you in ie look over,……see! It took me over half an hour to figure out why ie kept fuckign everything up (still not sure why, all I know is it works)


I am rick james bitch,….

No your not,.so stop saying it ,. Sit in one arbitrary place in any point in the city and you’ll hear it at lest 2-3 times over a 15 minute span,…….. now stop it because your not.


She wanted me to leave her and her familya lone she told me once when I threatened to do something if she did not tell someoen about what her fatehr did to her,

And even my threats to her all empty, she could smile and get me to do march in to war,

All I ever wanted is for her to be happy,

I can recall the day she fell out of love with me, I sent her pictures and I got no response, no replies,… she just sort of went meh, it left such a sinking feeling in my heart,. My head knew it, but my heart was at the helm,..

But I am still going to continue,.

I still made the promises, that is till intend to keep.

My day are numbered, my heatlh problems wors,e work more risky,. Im seemingly defing the odds with every breath I take,.

I know I don’t have much more to go, my face is literally falling apart,….postions of my body have lost all color,…

I see the end of the road is near and I am racing twords it,… I hoped I would share the path and we would take our time walking down it, but once she saw a nicer road off she went, and here I stayed, to keep my promise to a person who no longer cares, a person I love but she hates,

She hates me, I can not describe it any other way,

I figure she must to put me through so much,…

Hence forth it a effort to save myself there is the reaffirmation of doing what I must to get her to pay attention somehow (radio commercials to start soon)

¶ 4/04/2004 08:45:00 PM //

Drewam, then dream typing about dream

So I forgot a lot,

A LOT is ommited but I recalled every detail in the dream I thyped abotut he dream,

In a church /wamart, sale, everything for sale, I bought a few itesm, I was w/ family (they love sales_ and I was missing a set of CK jeans, and so I asked everyone, these were moine form the outside paid for, so I went to lost and found etc etc, and ask them, they said its possible they could have it,

Time rolled around and it was closing, so everyone went up to a table, and sat down )(family/management) and iw as closing a duffle bag when I looked up and saw someone I knew (I didn’t know him) and I knew he needed change, and I I told him it was ok I got you , and I think ihanded him the change he needed, and so I continued to close my duffle bag and I saw a pair of hands reach over and help me,. They were familiar, .. the looked like elizabeths hand soft, graceful, but tanned? I looked up and there was Shannon Elizabeth (once upona time me and shannon were friends but becouse of Elizabeth I could nto longer be her friend (I had the inlicnation my elzabeth was jelues even though Shannon Elizabeth was already in love with someone and taken off the market (peremently it seemed) but she said she was hungery and needed a burger, I didn’t know what to do and then she gave me this puppy dog face she would do , (Elizabeth never did this, she would smile and get what ever she wanted) so I agreed to Shannon and
I went over to the table and made some crack about how ill let the adults argue they would be there all day, they would argue all day, etc etc etc,
Every oen laughed so I said I would take the truck and promise to be home befor ehtye got home , and before they got a chance to agree I was already in the truck, it was oddly enough next to the table, it was a H2 wich is ugly and tacky and it hit me in the dream, btu beggers can’t be choosers I thought,

So I got in but the way out was through 2 (very nice) doors that swung open and no one would hold them open, so I got out and asked some one to dirve whilist I sort of held the doors open,

So this older guy (Seems very familiar but don’t know who, he could have been family but I cant say for sure) he get in the h2 and he swings it around and scrapes it! I don’t know what he was thinking so I tell him to get out and its all fucked up the way its dirving, the brakes areing working right it needs way too much gas to get moveing etc etc so I eventually get it going btu it flyies through the doors in to the street almost hitting another car and then there is this dog type thing on the grass (looks like a dog walking a baby in a baby stroller? Instead as is ee it go by it a werid stroller very futerstic all meched out , and someone is walking their dog and baby, meh

As the truck continues to do backwards im having hard time controlling it, Shannon comes out in tot eh street and in her typical fashion she covers her face because she can’t decide if its funny or if its
Tragic, I eventually egt it under control and we are off,

A lot omitted

We are in Canada (we could have alwaysbeen here ) and peaple are rioting aginst Americas and there is this little girl I see form the hill top wher ei have the truck that is swingin on flag poles causing a muc I yell for her to stop but she wont the crowd gets angery and so I wonder where Shannon is , and shes in the crowd also pissed off (Shannon wasn’t always the sharpest knive in the drawer, though all her intentions were sweet and well motivated)

I get in the truck and I think shit
1. I have to save the stupid kid and possibly Canada
2. I have to save Shannon beoucse she doesn’t know what shes doing

and ocne again a lot omiited,

this was a comlete dream that I recalled everything for but it spilled in to a 2nd dream and thus can’t recall anything

2nd dream I typed everything out form the 1st dream (ironic) and I was in a store , or in the hosue in CT, I cqan;t be sure and on the tv on the news (channel 7 local news for nyc) they are showing gran tursimo 2, and I really want it (I thought it was 4) so myparents say I can and I’m in the shop (oh my cousins, J3 and G4 (brothers) were also there, so I m in the shop and they only have one funky rubmle version of it it for x box (I don’t know) and I see anfd they have this platinum goldish xbox console and its for the game (I don’t have a xbox, I’m a ps2 person)

so im debating buying both but thinking I sholdnt (ahh realty,……same thing is happeneing, im buy way too much shit I shouldn’t and feeling bad about it after the fact)

umm then I wake up look over and see the labtp off and think shit I didn’t type the 1st one

which I thought was a good one , but only if I recalled it all .

dam!



Amendment: just now whilst brushing my teeth (yes I wake up at 4 in the afternoon) I had a flashback, of what I am assuming it is a dream

My mother was there and she asked about picture frames, if I could take a picture, blow it up and then place it in the frame, and I was going about how I ready beat her to it and that at the house in ny exactly what she asks for is waiting for her on my dresser.

That’s all I can recall.

¶ 4/04/2004 08:35:00 PM //

Again in ct,


I dreamt I was in love, met this girl (maybe same girl?)
She wore red lipstick,

We went to a function but family was all over the place, we borrowed a car
From p uncle (a Honda del sol of all cars, long story to follow) and we got no plates, but wen tout anyways,
So we went out during the finction and etc etc, and

Later trying to escape the family mob I went over to the ,
And borrowed keys for a truck because the girl was with me and I felt very bad about trating her so poorly so I wanted to take her in and give her a kiss (but not in forn t fo public or family,

She agreed agarly to the plan,..

But it was nto to be, sinc e we got in once and cousis opened door the other side,m so I told her wed drive back and,….and so when I got back to the vcar it was missing, I told p uncle nto to worry, hat I was probably towed for no plates and I would pay the tow fees,…..
And get the car back,.

I recalled seeinga park truck parked by the car and staying there for the longest time, so I waved down the truck when I saw it and he pulled around, he was a big guy but just some kid, I asked about the car, and eh got all weird ,

So I tracked him down and went to his house to interrogate hi,m, and when I finally did,.
I found him at home and he broke down, they videoed the car, and when in tot detail hwo they broke in and he was sobbing so I told him that … it was ok the damage probbibly isn’t much but where the car was, and that Ithe damage I would pay for but he kept repaeating over an dover it was gone, so I determined it was the truth and I left, on the way out I asked his mother her last name,..and she said codwealth or something so I thanked her, and say coldwealth or something, she pointed to her earings which had her names so I ina broinziesh finish , so I thanked mr. and mr. codwealth, and they seemed nice and so I left, I felt really bad about the girl whom I really liked,…. And later I saw her in a café with someone and I that’s when it seeped, in I wanted nothing but to kissed her. But now I feard it was too late, she woulding even look at me,…..

So I set something up with her via phone I guess can’t recall that I would ocme by, and I knew how to get to her house, but I got lost (mass transit) I think it may have been in CT as well,..

Umm I woke up then and then in a flahs as I sat down it all seemed to flood back in, the girl thsat held so uch potential but I fucked up because of my normal bull shit,.

No lingering of eizabeth for a dream, it seemed so odd,



I used to dream of being the balck knight trying to face down the white army, and always ending up dead,…….etc etc,.maybe the white army was the over come able odds, and the battle the relation ship, and the war the possibility,

And I always fought to the death,…..and sometimes I would win,….just to lie beanth a tree later , and die of my wounds,…..

Never would I be able to win and rlish in victory,.i would always either die

It would start by me wondering a hill top field in thick fog, and the ground stars to shake and I see the plumes of smoke formt he horses and ..a low roar that seems defening at low levels,.and as I ride over to the ridge,.. I look down, visor up, and I see before me the fields and fields , turned white with clysdales in heavy armory , and white knights, prictine and glisng silver trim,…..

And id look down to see my black armor, in onxy trim,. Clean but not for long,

And as though a wave would form they would all turn to look at me,…out would step their respective commanders , and draw their swords,..no negotiations, they would all moments later in syncrnicity also draw their swords and a slow gallop would start rows launching one by one till it was a full battle charge, I would lead my horse down the hill and develop my own charge galloping in to full speed, and I would never aproch the 1sdt one the same way , but always tried to go for a decaptation of a captian as a show of force,.i would always manage to get atlest 25 dead before being thrown from my horse and then when dismounted I would try to get as many as I could ,…sometimes pikeing up a spear to dismount men, and I would eventually be engulfed in a sea of white,……

But sometiemsid win,….. sometimes id lose limbs, but still win,…..soemtimes my horse would still be alive, hwoever id be too tired to get atop it so I would have it drag me, to the tree atop the hill form which I came,……

And there id lay aginst it,…and slouch down (if I had my legs) and id look to the sky and say something like,…….for Elizabeth it was worth it,..or al I do is in her name,.elizabeths name
And id close my eyes,…..and die

Id always be drenched in blood, my hair sticky,….some of it mine, most if it thirs,….

My feet if I had any would be wet,…sticky, form wonds id have that drip down the insides of my armor and down to my boots,… in my armor would be mud and dirt and blood, sometimes flesh,…..

Sometimes when I would win,….i would die,.

Ultimitly ,…I would never win,.

This dreams hold true to my reality,….
I would never have eliabeth, though I would do anything forher,.so these wars I fight, though I use her as my guiding light, my inspiration,.. she I will never have

And thus even though I may win the wars I wage, I will never win , I will never be victorius ,

I will never have Elizabeth

Worshiping false idols like the potential to have her is the only thing which keeps me going,.
Its the only reason I exert the effort to breath,.

I fight with sanity , I wake up and I don’t have the answers,m I don’t even have questions any more, I just wish the day over so its one less that I have to live woth the agony of not having her anymore,….


I miss her, I need her,…..i still love her

And it haunts my reality as well as my dreams.

¶ 4/04/2004 08:44:00 AM //

War, massive massive numbers

Frenchies
Decoys
Winning , old

Muskets

So We are in almost what seems a dollhouse world, everything fairly regal, maybe the past and the hoarde (cousins) are with me, and we are vs just massive massive numbers of whatg im guessing are French legions, as far as the eye can see,….and they pour through a narrow opening and we get our muskets ready and they point them all to within cm’s of my j3;s nose and somehow we overcome and we win the battle but as look out to the field we see regiments forming up to form an attack we win , none of us died, and we will prevail,….

I somehow get behind enemy lines and since it is dark I find out they are using cut outs and amplifying the numbers with torches and flashlights (I know not historicly accurate, but spot lgiths of sorts) and this goes on for what seems, forever,

I report back just as they are about to launch a surprise attack and I don’t have time to tell them details, but I say we few can defeat the many, and its almost like they just slacked off, and stoped listening, …..we were winning, I assure them vicroty if they fight on, and all will be made clear soon.

But they just sort of freeze in their not listening fashion, so ireach for the corner take my musket, and I prepair to march in to ware against the feared frenchies (hey its 1700’s and ive got a musket, )
So I go to the gaqtes and I prepair to meet my maker,…….

Cant recall much else,…..guess I wake up?

next


Mario email, move on grow up
Rows of insults,

Initially pissed, hate him, he is to be punished for previous acts

But all he is right


I am reading a email form Mario (mexico) , and its just insult after insult and im getting really pissed,. Im ready to take a flight and introduce him to the business end of a teflon tipped bullet, and im just fuming, andi m ready to exact revenge for all he has done (mis information as to elizabeths wehere abouts) and hes telling me how I should grow up and move on,…

And I take a sigh and ,.shit,.hes right,….

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


She used to make me so happy

I was a operative of some sort,.infiltrating something, cant recall muchbut it alls eemed fo familiar, the air of what iw as doing,…… there was snow on the ground and it hink iw as doing a decent job,.then there was a race or something,.

I kept thinking I was in the del sol but it was half delsol half snowmobile type thing,
And I was way out in the leuage,……. This was stupid it was optinal but I had to blend ,.

But I made a wrong turn,.so I threw my snowmobile i over a fence and there were 2 people,……and they started gogin in to it and I kept affirming my story,.then a card fell out (security access card) on of them picked it up and as he did I picked up a rusted soldering iron from a shelf near by and stabbed him in back of the head, and the other one I shot in the forhead,………..but both of the fuckers were still alive,…I tried to reason with the one that had been impaled and kept shooting the toher one in the head,……fuckers wouldn’t listen/ wouldn’t die I was about to go in to a bit of serieus work as I pulled a surgical kit form my snowmobile and I had out a scalpel and spreaders,.

I had to make sure they would die , had to be 100% so I would cut them open and shoot through their breast plate and remove their hearts if need be,….because these fuckers just couldn’t get a hint,
And then,……….the door bell rings and I waked up , its con ed, I don’t havet he keys for downstairs etc etc etc

Back to reality

Lost tenant

I losta tenant at one of my apartments,…. He wont be replaced, what peeves me is I was given only 7 days notice, and I found out an employee kicked him out and gave him notce weeks ago and I only just found out about it (sort of needed the cash…)

Business

I may have illuded to this before but my parents are out to get me a few businesses, they want me to manage a few properties and they said I could have them (im a bit leary though) if I could give them
Half the down payment (2.5M usd ) by September,… everything has yet to be confirmed, but,.

The way it will work out is nothing in my name,.i arrange 2.5 and they put in 2.5 which equals the fairly low down payment, after this I run the business and I must continue to pay all the bills till everything is paid off and I can’t touvch the profits for the 1st 5 years (they have their reasons)

The 2.5 M usd I may be able to swing but the 1.3M a month ,.that may be a bit harder,…

But everything has yet to finalized,….the “queen mum” has ot give the place a look,…

Ussally she wouldn’t be involved but seeing as how it’s the 1st mini empire they are giving me,.
There are some reservations on her part about giving so much so quick,

The business is also undervalued (easily worth 10 fold what asking price is)

And if it works out, I may buy the pizzeria across the street gas station on the corner and apartment builing in the same vicinity, its also very close to the train station, so it’s a quick 3 hour hop from grand central

I hope it works out but if it doesn’t, no biggie
Mill

Also whilist in CT I got my parents matching treadmills,…….

I was concerned about my fathers weight and mentioned this before,. And my mother ive heard her muble things so,….. I got her one as well

Its been a week , but they still use them, its possibly the best 10,000 usd ive spent on them


Klondike,.

I had a klondike bar,.its been a long time,. Good shit.

Email acct.

J gift (though after reading email logs I don’t think he needs it)
He hacks me? The fuck! (then again I found his blog that I read)

So my mother needed to send photos, to her insurance agent for reasons im not sure, it was the main home state side, and so she couldn’t get it work or something im not sure so she gave me her password, (I could have guessed it)

And well its filled with emails from J and I couldn’t resist,….and they been doing checks on me and trying to hack me! The fucker ,.hack me fuck I should hack him……… oh wait,….

I did , .. and I found his blog,..and umm his webspace and I sort of compromised it all, and umm yada yada yada

Well reguardless, hes officially getting 50,000 usd, less for his graduation gift.



I may stop this blog,…..too much time and the progress has stoped all together,.maybe iu need real help,.


Dead bodies everywhere(such a cliché)

West wing south halls

Generally the way its suppose to work , is the typical home has a west wing and a east wing,
And based on the orientation fo the house it either has a south hall, or north hall , rarly both as its bad luck to have a x for a house,……you may get napalmed, etc etc



It was love as per phone call

I recall the 1st time I called Elizabeth,. We didn’t really say much, it was just nervous laughing , but it was so, wonderful, we were both so happy that we couldn’t stop laughing, and smiling like idiots,.

Pull out all my hair strand by strand,.

I’m tempted to pull out all my ahir strand by strand so that it will never grow back,.maybe not,.. I have nothing but time,. But what if I want hair,….then id be stuck,.
I dunno, iwas really tempted to do this the other day



I resign from myself

( M may have found out about this,……DAM! Umm if you did and if your reading, don’t tell me about it, DO NOT, )


Kids would be running to her,
Running around, she would smile,.

But she said she never liked kids(so she said)

I had this day dream, of us in a nice ish kitchen, it was very sunny, the furniture was very light, she had on light clothes (I think we both liked dark clothes ) and I saw kids running around her, and she smiled at one of them, and they smield back and then ran up to her, she lowerd her self and put out her arms, and lifted them to a confortable position, and kissed him/her,…

I always had fantasies that in maybe 10-15 years we would have had children,. But she said she didn’t like kids,. It made me a bit sad, she was so caring, she would have been a wonderful mother, I also relize I woud be devastated if I ever met her again and found out that she had children, and that she was living my fantasy without me.



Up till 8 am cleaning ,..started easy enough,.then tisk tisk tisk b

Photo project,

So it was around 10 pm the other night, iwasnt sleepy and my desk was a mess, so I started going through the out box (in box all the boxes) and it started innocently enough, and then at some point I was hunting for a power drill in the garage (that I later ofund out went to CT by accident)

Oh speaking of CT when I cam back by train I noticed the alck of something,……ocps! I didn’t see one! And here the amdrid bombing nto a week prior and I cant see one cop? Not one machine gun toting 18 year old national guardsmen? Meh,….. I would have only been searched looking the way I did. . umm oh yes and I always underestimate the model population of the city but its just staggering (1 in 3 by my count on that day)

Anyways back to story (procrastination is sort of the moral anyways and lookie here)

Long story short I stayed up till 8 am then had a huge pile of paper that needed to be shreadded and couldn’t do it (sleeping people) so in a nutshell a 2 day job, and then I looked at the before and after pictures,….hmm no diff….dam! but atlest the tool box is inside the main house? Dunno


Also in between I took maybe a 309 minute break during wichi I started a project for my parents, they always say they wan tpictures to hang (and htye have them but never do et ctec) and so,. I took the initaive (by accident)

I orderd brushed aluminum frames for my room, but it tunrs out I got brass ones istaed (don’t match the décor) but they match the brass fixtures at my parents home, so I wne through the pictures that I took whilst in ct (few Kodak monmets in there, had to right’? there were 1600+ photos)

I got the kids stealing wisky, my father in his workshop, the white castle surrounded by white snow, J and his cup of tea, the parental figures w/ J etc etc, good stuff,

I blew the pictures up on the pinter and matted them and framed them, and ihave admit it came out pretty nice, ill leave it up to them where to hang them (but a million usd says they never hang them)

¶ 4/04/2004 08:39:00 AM //

Dreams, lots of notes ive jotted over the lats 2-3 weeks but never materialized int o anything becouse of the influx of work that has seemingly bombarded me (litterally at times)

And so in no particular order, dreams from the last 2 week, and ill then maybe have a follow up post about corlations, thoughts that occurred in reality ,

However any direct effecting event in reality would be noted,.

--------------------- -------------- -------- let it begin ------- ------- ------------------ ------------------

I don’t know when , I don’t know where, but I dremt a dream that I know vaugly recall and all I can remember was looking in to elizabeths eyes,.

Big truck, lots of hype,., but only a old (99?) dodge Durango, huge huge, but still,

I was just doing something (Can’t recall) and I get flashbacks of what I can only assume is a dream,. It has big trucks,……every one would go “wow that’s a big truck” and I looked over and it’s a old school dodge ram (you would have had to see a big 7-9 passanger in reality to aprecheate how massive these are)

And then another flashback,.. I was looking In to Elizabeths eyes,….it seemed to last forever, and yet whne it was over, it was over far too quickly, I was in love, the world was perfect, I was awe struck I couldn’t speak I couldn’t move all I could see was her eyes,…

This sort of happened in boston,….mexico too,.but in boston it was a bit more blunt,.elzabeth had sheets wraped around her and she looked like some sort of greek goddess, she made the sheets seem so spealing, they looked so good on her, and the way she wore them,…she looked so amazing so elgant, I wish I could have taken a photo, but it never dawned on me to ask, and I don’t think she would have agreed either,…..
And I saw her start to tear,….and I didn’t know what was wrong so I just hugged her and held her and told her it would be alright,.. and she buried her self in to my neck as I so loved,. And then after a few moment I asked her to she her self,….but his I ment her eyes,….but she looked up surprised me, droped the sheets,…..and looked up, and all I could see was her eyes,….then ……well like the idiot I am, I picked up the sheets placed them around her, and told her I just wanted her eyes, and she kissed me,…..

She was so amazing,…..and me the idiot,… mind you Elizabeth is equally flawless physically as she was mentally, physically I could go on forever,.as I could go on forever about her brains, about her heart,(I think this thing here proves that) . her modesty was such a virtue,.

Yet she was so self confient,.. she carried her self with such high reguard,.soemtimes her spoken word didn’t indicate it but the way she carried her self,.she had so much respect for her self,.it was so appealing,…….but she always worked so hard on her self, always leanring so incredibly much, always working out all the time,…..her day seemed to have been a week , she managed to fit so much in,……….

Im gogin on ,. The point is, .her eyes,….its impossible to escape,…its like the pone fish under the sea that has a light that lures in small fishes (food) and they are so entranced, so happy, so in love, and then in bites,…

I;m not saying Elizabeth per say bit me,……..but I am still recovering form the one wound she did inflict,…(and I still love her)



-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------

In ny ,.baldwin locks,.chanheing,.let its clesarly elctrical as well,.waiting for con ed, s
Someone is started by door, I hav blow torch, afraid for old wires,.tell person old house,.maybe all 3,m thy are a tenant,,.ithey ask em where my grandfatrher is and I say I dotn know,.i see him coming (sort of) and then he turns around and then I break down crying sobbing because I remember he died,….

Peaple ussally ask about the wickd witch

Woke myself up

I need my lizzy

I was in ny , changing the locks (recently did this) and I was in front of something,. Looked like a series of 4 pipes up the sideof the house and I was waiting for con ed, , someone is standing by the door. I have a blow torch and im working on the pipes and its treated like electrical work but it seems to be out and out plumbing, I was afraid I would burn the wires, as it’s a very old house,…the person seemed to bea tenanet, but I never looked up,…
They asked where my grandfather was, and ire plied I didn’t know,….i saw him coming throught he front yard out of the corner of my eye, then I recalled he died, and he turned around and I broke down sobbing,….i woke my self up thinking I needed Elizabeth,…

Ussally in reality people ask about the wicked witch of the west (grandmother father side)
Whom I have really grown to hate, she just went” fuck you fuck the rules im spending the family fourtune as quick as I can making sure nothing stays in the family”.bitch has no respect for what she married in to,.hwo could she, she gives it all to her family, ntot he one she married in to,….there is seriues speculation that she killed my grandfather,. How did she the illerate idiot end up with the great man my gfrandfather was?


-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------
Trees mess form years ago,
Clean,

B
Trees swaying

Hthings its ok Violnt, Flash
Gone Run Everyoneshopefully gone
Clip house No lcuk for us,

Car gone
Front door
Father
Hold
J seems like ilille kid
Puncture in back
J to call ambulanc
I cry,

Tres falling, swaying , likein ct , like hwne I was little in the basement in ct, maybe in 1983, iwas 2


I cant recall this one or the next one but ill try (ntoes help but a lot gets omitted becous ei cant see what im typing at the time)

But im in the backyard at the house in ny, and I am looking at the mess , left over debris formt he tree that fell a year ago, and B (neghbhor) makes osme sort of remark about I should egt rid of it,……..these are perfect people, do gooders, etc etc so I tell them its ok
Ill take care of it.. its very windy gettinga bit violent,…….the trees are really swaying,(when I was maybe 2, there was hurricane in CT and I recall going in to the basement, eating chips with the parents, staying down there, and thinking the tree was gogin to fall on the house)
And then a flash and I see a tree starting to fall (no such tree exists) I yell for every one to run and every one to move it,…..ASAP

And so I bounce(see I no the slang these kids today sling) seeing that no one is around (or not near me or ussally in dreams ill save someone) I go back and hope theres no damage but almost like seeing a reply the tree clips the house and destroys a car,., still not too bad I think

I make my way up the dirve way to the font of the house and through the front door I see my father and he had some sort of puncture wound in the back, and I grab a hold of him before he falls (once my father fell down the stairs in CT, in their current house and I saw him start to fall at the top so I ran as fats as I could throught e grand room and front foyer and still managed to catch him, but this time there was no great fall) J seems like a little kid over looking and I yell for him to call a paramedic unit,

And I don’t think hes going to make it so I start to cry (this dream happened either same night or night after the grandfather one)

And I wake up thinking I need Elizabeth,…..

Analysis by brooks and shields!

You could say that I fear being head of the family,…and technically I am ineligible as I was cast out when iw as much younger, and I am the black sheep, and considering all the things I said to Elizabeth and all the promises I made (And intend to keep) I am not going to have any children or ever get married,….so by defult its my brothers,….

Though in light of recent events in CT (to be explained later) I guess im gogin to be handling the retail and domestic businesses of the family (which is odd, …because..)

Because the 2 son formula is one to head the legions and one to handle the domesticed (police),….1 for war 1 for protections, or 1 for the military one for the police,
One for the legions, one for the guard, etc etc etc

And my brother well, he already has so much to do with the military aspect of the family busness, and has all his papers in order, .. so it would seem odd that we inversed roles,

But more on this in other domesticated posts….

-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------


Whitchs , tranines, system, matchs


Lines chase, convention tv subwoofer game systems, older,

Umm, this one is also really viage,…
At a convention of someosrt , but it seems to be in a really big school, and the part si recall is ithink M is there and we happen upoing a room showcasing new tv;s and M tell sme to buy one unit, (but ours is way bigger and way better) umm, tv’s, and I looka t it and its all subwoofers, but im such a push over that I start to mull it over and the sales person says I cant take it because its being used, and I see assorted game systems hooked up to it (game cube xbox, I don’t recall a ps2, but maybe etc etc) and I ask what needs to be done,

Pfft id dunno , I cant recall much so I cant say much (for once)

-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------

Saved by the bell type snerio,…pulled over,….but different,.morter cycle,…ferri,……..couldnt,….lay back,.excellent,……..

Starter,.o ring,.hide,…………somewhow,….father……..

But all different

John cusiak



In very big broken car, doing work,…need to go inside, moveing about ot, but never in park, big big car, small small spots, I then go u[p to the school and someone )(the principal?) hwom ive never seen regonizes me and asks what I need how ive been etc etc,.i then say I just neded my apper work and I go in to a autatorium that I can recall (inb the dream not in realit) and see my work,…….G2 is there and maybe J2 (brothers) and g2 is laughing up a storm doing his homework,.i was picking up my homework as well, oit loked like basic math but I couldn’t tell I didn’t really look at it very well. h

Pfft dittio (dunno)

-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------
Izrali tanks, labtops, fields nto working ice cream truck misoc

I wa sin a war zone with my labtop (working for the EU as a logistics officer back in the day , this was not a rarity, and ive done it one too many times with live fire every where)
And israli tanks are movieng up the street (watch cnn and watch the tanks,….now granted the US has the best, but isralis say they do,.and the isralis do know how to do war, but their tanks are not ment to face tanks, only people, and rpg’s , their tanks have never faced other tanks,…..british defenders, and American abhrams have both faced Russian t series tanks on multiple occasions in real world situations ) anyways they are being fucking relentless with sniper fire as well have heavy heavy machine gun fore (120 mm from tanks as well as 50 mm from jeeps/hum-vees) and im trying to identify myself but hey is irsralis , they have killed journalists and eu members before in the guise of thinking they were militants (the isralis have killed more Americans than the palastinians,…FACT,..isralis have killed more American civlians than palistinans , FACT, ….im not bais persay but,…come on people!)


Anyways so im running up a street and its just lined in lead and spent caseings, and the fighting is just really heavy,…..i cant even say epr sure its fighting because it just seems to be me and the tanks ,.its all I see,…and the ThinkPad (when I worked for the EU/UN I used the Sony Vaio ) and every street/.ally I run up its either a tank or a humvee speeding twds me throwing over heating problems to the air to get me,..

And in the mean time in the backround all I hear is the erie music that a ice cream truck makes,…..

Once (in reality) I saw a ice cream truck in the cematary with the music going dirving really slow as if to look for custumers,…..creepy shit

Ummt hat was that fro that dream,..



-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------


Parcel in ct, side door


Same night I guess,…….dream I was in ct,
And a parcel was expected and we were all looking for it, and someone said try the side door on the west wing (there is no side door west wing) and there was the package

Ummm pfft dunno


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Job ,
76 a year

1200 more
buffalo
facility stipends
angery co worker
boss I s of past co worker mad,
4 genrerations dr s
get out of office, park,

uni look up my article

goodfy plus admin

big labtop

pro , shprtcuts, go upstairs, kids horse s path
Mario camera, movie, in parking lot, cars lots of us, 2 sizes, dilbert,

Knows what it is to be a minority, almost caughts but clearly safe,

Wake up


I don’t recall any of this,…… (too vauge to go in to more details, and even then I recall on as a result of reading this)



-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------

Answers

I do a lot of things now (smokeing)

I dreamt I waited out side of elizabeths compound,….(in mexico city)

My hair long, my beard long, cloacked in black,. She then pulled up in her car and slowed down,. (when in mexico Mario used to express to her the law of physics that dictates two objects of mass can at no time occupy one space at the same time in reference to her driving)

And I was smoeking and she stoped and asked ricky? (instantly pains form the fact she didn’t call me Rickito but I tried to hide the tear behind my Armani shades, ) and I noticed hse was with someone, , she asked what I wanted, and I told her I had just come for answers, and I took another puff on my cig,. She remarked that I never used to smoke, and I replied that id o a lot now that I didn’t used to do,……….. I directed her to come back after she droped off her passenger,….

She never came back,.

Eventually I woke up


-------- ----------- ----------- Next ------------ --------------- ---------------- -------------- ----------
Again in ct,

I dreamt this in CT, on the big larger than my house (the head board alone cost more than all my car put together,…but for the price I do always dream on this bed)

I dreamt I was in love, met this girl (maybe same girl?)
She wore red lipstick,

We went to a function but family was all over the place, we borrowed a car
From prem uncle (a Honda del sol of all cars, long story to follow) and we got no plates, but wen tout anyways,
So we went out during the finction and etc etc, and

Later trying to escape the family mob I went over to the ,
And borrowed keys for a truck because the girl was with me and I felt very bad about trating her so poorly so I wanted to take her in and give her a kiss (but not in forn t fo public or family,

She agreed agarly to the plan,..

But it was nto to be, sinc e we got in once and cousis opened door the other side,m so I told her wed drive back and,….and so when I got back to the vcar it was missing, I told prem uncle nto to worry, hat I was probably towed for no plates and I would pay the tow fees,…..
And get the car back,.

I recalled seeinga park truck parked by the car and staying there for the longest time, so I waved down the truck when I saw it and he pulled around, he was a big guy but just some kid, I asked about the car, and eh got all weird ,

So I tracked him down and went to his house to interrogate hi,m, and when I finally did,.
I found him at home and he broke down, they videoed the car, and when in tot detail hwo they broke in and he was sobbing so I told him that … it was ok the damage probbibly isn’t much but where the car was, and that Ithe damage I would pay for but he kept repaeating over an dover it was gone, so I determined it was the truth and I left, on the way out I asked his mother her last name,..and she said codwealth or something so I thanked her, and say coldwealth or something, she pointed to her earings which had her names so I ina broinziesh finish , so I thanked mr. and mr. codwealth, and they seemed nice and so I left, I felt really bad about the girl whom I really liked,…. And later I saw her in a café with someone and I that’s when it seeped, in I wanted nothing but to kissed her. But now I feard it was too late, she woulding even look at me,…..

So I set something up with her via phone I guess can’t recall that I would ocme by, and I knew how to get to her house, but I got lost (mass transit) I think it may have been in CT as well,..

Umm I woke up then and then in a flahs as I sat down it all seemed to flood back in, the girl thsat held so uch potential but I fucked up because of my normal bull shit,.

No lingering of eizabeth for a dream, it seemed so odd,



I used to dream of being the balck knight trying to face down the white army, and always ending up dead,…….etc etc,.maybe the white army was the over come able odds, and the battle the relation ship, and the war the possibility,

And I always fought to the death,…..and sometimes I would win,….just to lie beanth a tree later , and die of my wounds,…..

Never would I be able to win and rlish in victory,.i would always either die

It would start by me wondering a hill top field in thick fog, and the ground stars to shake and I see the plumes of smoke formt he horses and ..a low roar that seems defening at low levels,.and as I ride over to the ridge,.. I look down, visor up, and I see before me the fields and fields , turned white with clysdales in heavy armory , and white knights, prictine and glisng silver trim,…..

And id look down to see my black armor, in onxy trim,. Clean but not for long,

And as though a wave would form they would all turn to look at me,…out would step their respective commanders , and draw their swords,..no negotiations, they would all moments later in syncrnicity also draw their swords and a slow gallop would start rows launching one by one till it was a full battle charge, I would lead my horse down the hill and develop my own charge galloping in to full speed, and I would never aproch the 1sdt one the same way , but always tried to go for a decaptation of a captian as a show of force,.i would always manage to get atlest 25 dead before being thrown from my horse and then when dismounted I would try to get as many as I could ,…sometimes pikeing up a spear to dismount men, and I would eventually be engulfed in a sea of white,……

But sometiemsid win,….. sometimes id lose limbs, but still win,…..soemtimes my horse would still be alive, hwoever id be too tired to get atop it so I would have it drag me, to the tree atop the hill form which I came,……

And there id lay aginst it,…and slouch down (if I had my legs) and id look to the sky and say something like,…….for Elizabeth it was worth it,..or al I do is in her name,.elizabeths name
And id close my eyes,…..and die

Id always be drenched in blood, my hair sticky,….some of it mine, most if it thirs,….

My feet if I had any would be wet,…sticky, form wonds id have that drip down the insides of my armor and down to my boots,… in my armor would be mud and dirt and blood, sometimes flesh,…..

Sometimes when I would win,….i would die,.

Ultimitly ,…I would never win,.

This dreams hold true to my reality,….
I would never have eliabeth, though I would do anything forher,.so these wars I fight, though I use her as my guiding light, my inspiration,.. she I will never have

And thus even though I may win the wars I wage, I will never win , I will never be victorius ,

I will never have Elizabeth

Worshiping false idols like the potential to have her is the only thing which keeps me going,.
Its the only reason I exert the effort to breath,.

I fight with sanity , I wake up and I don’t have the answers,m I don’t even have questions any more, I just wish the day over so its one less that I have to live woth the agony of not having her anymore,….


I miss her, I need her,…..i still love her

And it haunts my reality as well as my dreams.

¶ 4/02/2004 12:16:00 AM //

She is a angel(technicaly though she is a goddess mascarading as an angel), and i love her, but what she has doen to me and all i have gone through ideads that i once killed based upon the facts that she was so good to me may in fact have to be reserected.

She hurt me so deeply, so quickly, and then she left me with no explanations,...

all she has to do is google her name to find this site,....

now i tell you all her name, so that perhaps you may warn her,....

once upon a time elizabeth sent me ,..well, ill just call it X rated material, that i somehow recovered/recently found on the vaio labtop.

here is the threat i make to her, and furthermore myself(becouse doing this will kill me)

I love you elizabeth, please just come forward,...please let me know why,

you have 3 months ,......the same time limit i gave you to tell your mother baout what yoru father had done or i would have left (a false threat that was never met becous eyou were too sweet for me to leave you , and i wanted to do it fo ryou not me)

now im greedy, i need closure,...

you come forward and have a conversation with me

call me at the old number (the last oen you have)

email me at the link on this page (or the old one that you used to email)

leave a message here,

please talk to me,...


or,.

i make a page and i dedicate it to your x rated matrieal (all of it,)

and i have nothign but regrets,.


this is the proposition.


or are you so cold, so strong that even the ice prinncess woudl rather dure humiliation to any one who googled her name, over a simple conversation that would save a ex lover (me being the lover , her being the X, i still and deeply madly passinatly in love, with this lovely creature)


in a month i will buy the domain
in 2 i will post the paterial
in 3 i will publish it all (rather i will publish it the day we met)

i too can solidify the broken shards of the heart you broke in to ice,
i too will try to be storng,

and i took will try to be as cold as you and as strong as you
you will be the role model for the act of revenge (but its not,
its nto revenge, its only incentive for you to stop me, to talk to me,
I know as well as anyone how much you love yourself, your self
worth , that it holds a greater currency than the lives of all other,
that it is worth beyond what words can hoep to describe,
and by threating it with deflation (humiliation) that i may in fact
hope to be healed, and that i may hope to be whole again
but this will never e, it is only an illusion,

like i said, it was not for you , but for me, for greed,

i too will change

i too will hope to become you (but not nearly as pretty , or brillant
or smart, or funny, or witty etc etc)

¶ 4/01/2004 01:55:00 AM //