Life is a sin

Fore your mind to erase,

Pray to the god of a life that is no longer yours to live, the relics of a life you no longer own, you never owned rather it owned you then discarded you , yet you hold on to this mementoes hopeing it will come back one day, it will turn back and return, but it never does,

I am bound to these relics as I am to my chest, they are what made me what I am, they are what grew me in to this,……..this monster, this beast that can no longer be called human, they are what casues my brain, yet they are what aloows me to breath when I cant, they fill the void of a castle once filled with the the air of prosperity, hope, life, pumped in by the person I loved,..only to be taken when she left,

It’s a black hole,….not even light can enter,……everything around me just gets brought down

Live this life, because you will not be given another,

Drink , do drugs, dirve fast, have lots of sex, smoke, plunder,…….becouse we are all goignt o hell anyways,

“I hear only the good die young, if the opposite holds true then I am immortal”


if I give you my 2 cents, and it’s a penny for your thoughts,……..
someone somewhere is getting rich,.i know it!


One of the many cousins ask for the keys to the (a) van, a uncle who knows me but I don’t know him had the keys,….i guess he thinks hes funny so he says itll be 17,000 usd,..aprently this uncle doesn tknwo this cousin very well (hes maybe 12?) so he comes back takes 17,000 usd out of his safe and says give me the keys,……

Whats a guy to do?

He gave him the keys

It was a function , the van needed to be moved because it was blocking a few cars in,

One person in a black benz (no security detail) somehow managed to block 10 cars in,….

Me and another uncle were amazied at how one person could be such a fuck up, and it confirmed the predisposition that idiots are indeed geniuses,.

Its what they get,.it was supose to be a small function (under 500 peaple) justa small house warming party,….. and so when the options for security detail came up every one (not me because I was not involved in orginzation) decided since it’s a new area that they should opt for a very (insanly) low profiule seurity detail,….

They had guards in mini vans and khakis,….they looked like feds, but they never got out of the vans,…..no one noticed them (which was the goal) but they were assumed guests (which is good for the UC’s btu not for the main forces,…half the reason you go for numbers is because you want a show of force,…) end result was security was serisly compromised for a multide of reason, not enough firepower (though nothing would have likely happened) almost all the units got blocked in at some time or another over the course of the day because they were assumed empty, and the security didn’t prevent it form happeng hence thye were not as vigilante as they should have been,… etc tec

Now a day latr function at my parents house, they did everything proper form what I gatherd, they had a gunship on the helipad ready to go , security was out in suits and although no machine gunsto be seen you could see them a mile away with their suberbans (which in fact did have a cache of m-16’s distributing amongst them ) keeping a ever watchful eye, they had cordiantion with local pd in closing down the street and getting a uniformed precence to direct traffic, they had multiple check pointsbefore even aproching the main gates at which point security was steped up,

Also at the gates they made a big show of force, uniformed security (not pd) with dogs and heavy machine guns out and loaded (unlike national guard in NY who done even load the clip,…….the time it takes to load a clip a well trained operative can easily take out 6 peaple)

From had I gatherd the gates was the tour de force, bomb /radation detection units, turrents , sandbags, everything to and beyond DSS protocol

They ran a full systems test before hand and had the copter go on a mock attack run , and they ran senrios the day prior, ful backround checks on all catoring staff,…it was cerntitly a site to be seen (but I didn’t see it I only heard through the grape vine as id ont get invited to these functions that my parents have,…)

Which brings me to

You can tell J is in town, by the way the phone gets answered,….especially cold and concise (even for them) , What would have been a 5 minute conversation full of forced laughs and an abrupt goodbye,….was instead placed with a 15 second conversation with one word sentences,…..”yes , … no,……yes,…….yes,……..no ,…….bye”

Ahh,….yes now my role is painfully clear.


Wow peter covered the grey album

Every oen has heard about the grey album, I actually knew about it months and months ago, but I didn’t make a big deal because every one knew about it , and then grey Tuesday
And so I just never mentioned it because its so fucking popular (thought not my cup of tea)

But I guess it hits main stream when major networks cover it,

Peter went a bit beyond and covered everything that was behind it, how it was made how it was mixed, why it was wrong , etc etc


AD

So I felt brave and htough maybe now the chance I go look for someone new,…because Elizabeth is just not going to happen,.she will never come back, she has already moved on and,…death just isn’t as fast as he used to be (slacker)

So I placed a convaluded ad and got a few replies,.. no real ones but plenty of offers for gay sex,… aperntly gay guy love to be able to score a conversion,… get someone to switch teams etc etc,…and not hat theres anything wrong with it but I don’t think it would be even feasible for me to e any more straighter than I am ,..

Ashamed
To remind myself
Blood

After reading a few I just got so ashamed at myself, I felt so disloyal to Elizabeth,….

I told her there would never be any one else, the guilt just seeped in a nd pentrated and even though I did nothing with any of them (not even reply) I still felt ashamed, and as though I should be punished,..so I took my gerber (very nice blade,..just got it after the last oen was stolen a bit back) and I carved her name it to th one blemish free area on my body and I made it deep,…..(for arm) and I let it bleed before stiching it up,….i wanted it to scar, I wanted to never forget,…never do again what I did, and when I felt like seeing someone else iw ouldnt because I am bound to her although she is not to me,..

Love is a curse when it is only you who does the loveing and the other person the hateing,.

So now I try and stop the love, and hate the one, (myself) for the both of us twice as much.


ad,…….no real replies,..but plenty of offers for gay sex

¶ 3/14/2004 12:38:00 PM //

Its all about promotion
Hitting highs and lows

To different factions of the family you need to constiantly hit the highs and prmote the high which appeal tro them, and down play the lows, , it has to be a constant evelutinary marketing campian dedicated at theses factions which will serve to keepo you alive, doing anything other than what srequired and deemed neccery for even a secand will only serve to ensure your standing on the outs for yeafrs if not forever.

I once ran out of TP,……this cost me 3 years in the dog house,…..

“I hear only the good die young, if the opposite holds true then I am immortal”

M became a dick over night,…….wow

He just got all neo liberal over night,…..before it al made sence but now its just so extrme and one sided bias, .neo liberal, his words word that after the 200 elction there should have been “blood on the streets” that bush should have been shot etc etc,…

I don’t think he knows what hes saying,….just so disalusioned, he doesn’t know what death is , to lose a friend at young age, he doesn’t know what it is to have been shot , or what real pain is, there is so much about the real world he just doesn’t know about. But yet like the typical grad student he acts as though he does…meh I don’t really care, its just a bit dismaying is all


Colors on Beast

So im using the beast for once now for something other than gamming , justa bit of surfing whilist the pictures form the camera are downloading (which take forever, when I plug the card straight in to the PC it takes maybe a minutes for 100 pics, but the pictures need to be manually rotated (crash crash crash) but when I hook up the camera via usb and then upload, the pictures are automatically adjusted (camera has inner ear) but it taks forever!) anyways so I was surfing whilist the uploading was going on and, im noticing how its been forever since ive used CRT and WOW the colors all super crisp clar vibrant, not like the labtops im used to (but then again I keep them fully dimmed thus getting 11 hours of battery life per each labtop)…it was like watching regular tv then going to HDTV and then back,……..then again the labtops are the workhorses, the beast is more the file server/ gamming pc (and it is a best) mabe if I had a more comfortable chair I would use it more (maybe not, wifi is just so fucking convenient)

Commitment (goals)

Need purpose (Elizabeth ,….pfft who didn’t see that coming?)
Rewards system

So the dream,.i that I ahd, it got to me more and more, so I am trying to arrange a treadmill for myself (if I can fit it umungst the duffle bags(singles) and well,. It would be hard,.right now im 230lb which even though is technically overweight, A lot of it is muscle, btu still im a bit worried,……..so today I started a good reginment again (these get broken seemingly every time I go to CT which is often enough this year ater all working out is sometimes so shallow) id like to be as quick as I used to, also more weights for the GYM (we only have 300 lbs, which if I can lift is not enough) also switching the weights form bar to bar is annoying and kills the momentum, cardio is also key .

Ive been doing the 8 glasess a day thing (like 16) but the end result is now im always thirsty)

Before when I worked out it was because part because of work, but mostly because of Elizabeth (she was in incredible shape, incredible, id say stronger than me, pilates, step, aerobics, just in her room, spinning,(ithink) fencing, kick boxing, the list goes on and on)

So ive devised a system,…..if I lose X lb;s or gain X lbs in lean muscle I will award my self (which I seem to do just a bit too often as it is)…..1st thing is 20lbs = 20 giorgio Armani French cuff shirts or (if im rid of the singles ) a top shelf custom fab bedroom set

30lbs = new mount blanc pen (cant find nay of my old ones which is bit of a pisser as they are easily 500usd each,.im falling back to diplomats)

etc etc,…..i hope it works,.

It was just so much easier with Elizabeth,……her smile would launch nations in to wars let alone me to the weight bench

Digital photos technicice
Amaazon

So I went out to get mil(3am, and I have proof that in fact the city that never sleeps does in fact slumber) and I have been taking few pictures of a bridge at night, its really disgusting but makes ofr great black and white pictures and I came across the method by accident, a few nights prior even, resting across a parking meter, I set down the camera and set it up for a 3 secand delay and let it lay,…and bam, amazing photos,….

But this brings me to

Bandwidth
Server

New pics

No pics

Too manyu pics

I have to omany pics up, im exceeding my bandwidth by leaps and bound every month, im going to either use multiple accts form earthlink, or get some sort of dedicated system
I take maybe a gig a week (hence deciated hd now) a lot of them silly, btu as of late a lot of them really good shit,….but I have no real way of posting them all without a big fuss,

So no pics in the post although it is certnatly warented (as in corlation to what I speak about)

Meh,.

Card from rio
Ok there is this Nomad player avail here for 200 usd,…..which is a bit of a rip BUT it uses a ibm 4 gig micro drive,…..the same cf card that my camera takes, the same card that is near impossible to find, the same card that retails at 500 usd, the same card in the ipon mins (which irnocily make the 250 usd price a steal , nto for what it is but for what its made of) so I get one crack it open and voila, 4 gigs in the camera,

Ghost?

So ive taken many many good pictures,……..but in a few (taken int her house) you can clearly make out someones face in the photos and its really spooky, now im not the scardy cat sort but,…..still creepy (there would be pics but no)

Tickets (nypd)

It seems every time I have the Utility van (its perrywinkle blue)
I am guranteed by the gods of death and taxes to get at least a few tickets, at least
And as the sun will rise in the mornings do I step out of th post office do I see a series of ticket on the van,.. argh! And I had the digi so I took pictures with minute (1) to spare ,

I got a meter violation but there was time left! And what will happen is I will print the pictures the file info send them in and they will claim to have never gotten them (as is the case) and I will have to pay late fees,……..fuck im going to do one better im going to get a shit load of tickets, park in the middle of time square etc, then go to court and pay in singles,…(need to get rid of them all somehow right?)


Fan operation

Bathroom fan went dead, got a new one and dia motor transplant, really bit of a rip off because you have to buyt he entire kit just to get the motor,….have pics of the operation as well but ,……….right,.(that the only reason iwas mentioning it)

Running w/ dead
Torso, no head

Im watching CNN FNN (they have abit of cnn world which is sort of watchable but, its so so much , infintily better than the normal cnn which took a nose dive faster than a kamikaze pilot over a ww2 carrier group) and there is another irsali strike in gazza etc etc
And they are showing a medical crew running a burnt body to a ambulance,….
Its justa freid torso, no legs, and a head that is obvisuly removed,

My thinking is,…hes dead,…….why run? It’s a play for the camera,.

Also they are trying to put out the fire with sand,…….why? its just in the middle of nowhere, why not let it bnurnt itself out? You livein a war torn area anyways, its like trying to stop the rain over a city,…..(another bad anolage by me)

This bring me to another eason why M has become so synical,….he goes to law school, all his frinds/collegues are most likely jewish,…he goes therein a heavily jewish area,…….hes has become jaded as a result I assume to the palastinian cause (I side twds palastinantes but I fele they are both wrong and the US should pull out all together(funding, its costs us billions a year in aid) and all we get is grief,….but if you ask M hell say its our responsablity,….he says the palastinantes should stop the terror,

But its nto all of them,…….also they are putting out fires with dirt,…….why? because the isralis blew all of their fire engines to shit, all of their fire houses, all of their police stations, they have no/ very little logistical capability (I was after all a logistics officer)

But he has the fortune to be a idealistic grad student,….seen very little of the “real” world, though hes traveled extensively etc etc,. he doesn’t know what death smell slike, or to be under heavy fire, he doesn’t know what it is to see friends go in front of you, to see yoru drivers head explode in a hail of lead, he doesn’t know logistics,…..he knows idealism,….but he stilla great guy,…….just jaded (this is a lot coming form me)

Tony

Tony soprano next week ! I ts the only reason I have Digital cable and the 1032 other bullshit channels hbo, on demand etc etc etc,…..

Slack

Ive been slacking on post I know,.they just pile jup higher and higher na di have no exuse,……

Shopping,

I need to stop,…..im going through 10k a week now like water,……
Hopefully the rewards system will help dam online purchases, just so dam easy

Terrorists

I think they are trying to infiltrate,.i keep tabs on who comes here how they got here, I check ip addresses I try to forcast legal reprecusions , I get addresses (even yours) etc etc
Even if you use anonamizer I can track you back,…..but ive seen a disturbing trend,..of people trying to get contact lists for “American scinatists” …….right I have enough legal problems,…..dont ask me ,….i don’t know,..

And if you’re a splinter group,……you are hacks,

No one ever comes here looking for me,…only from searches (im still hopeing on elizabetsh vanity search, but she may be far too modest but I hope and hope)

Conspiracy to prevent me from sleeping

Helicopters
Downstairs, heater

So its like 6 am,…..finally read to sleep and then I hear copters,……shit the fucks who looked up amercian scientists right? Ive been raidered before so im about to start torching documentation but,……..wait, the copters nto moving (as it should be) so I look out and it’s a news copter,…….im dead tired mind you really wanting to get to sleep,…. And the heloicopters linger for what seme forever (hour/?) and itsjsut so loud and they are so loud I cant hear anything butt he copters, I can even feel the blades beating,. Its horrible
So I send apile of hate mail to channel 7 and they leave maybe hour later (7am)
I finally hit the sake and then a hour later I get a frantic call form a tenant (im also a landlord because its easy money if you know what to do how to do it) and I told her to call her super and no she insits I come imedatly,.soemthing about a bathroom light not working and her having to get to work,…I try and tell her that she has too many appliances on to turn on off the flurent tube will click on,….

No she isnits I come and im too tird to say no so I do,…and it has ntohgn to do with the bathroom, but the furnace,……so she says what the blue light?,..and I tell her it’s the pilot flames,………ohhh,……she says,…….and I go on my way, im offerd drinks but I tell them I need atlest some sleep so get out of thiere as fast as can be and hit the sake where I sleep for maybe a hour bu then wake up and I get a image flash through my head and ARGH!

Blurb(elizabeth)

Of course its Elizabeth,, but it’s the kind of visiosn I odnt want to have it was of her grinding some other guy,…….why did I have to see that? Im disturbed about every as it is, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of her sexual active with toher partners, I mean she was incredible in bed and all and she showed her hearatage with the way she would move her hips (that she hated but I loved) but I cant stand the thought, I know its true I know it has happened, but,…..also another eason I supsoe is when we were together she was always deathly afraid of becoming pregnant, and so we never actually did anything,…I mean we did everything but,…..and after 4 years(therebouts) she was stilla virgin (you can imagine the frustration at times on my part, but I loved her,……..ever seen saving silverman? Right that was me.)

I could sleep after that,…..

Roach

Dam , noone cleaned up after themselves and now I see a roach in the kitchen,….DAM!
I didn`t need to see that, either,.im going to start pushing the clean place policy and make sure everything is spotless from here on out,…..if I seeone more,…..devise a list of osme sort etc etc,.

¶ 3/07/2004 04:04:00 AM //

Weight , fell to back of bed,.

In ct,.

Snoring
Heavy weezing,

Reality, couldn’t sleep ,yet I was asleep,

Get treadmill por father


I had a shit load of items to get done in the morning (in a hour) and so I decided to turn in early (2am) and I just couldn’t get to sleep, and when I did I dreamt about not being able to sleep,.

I was in one of the guest rooms at my parents house In CT,
And I coudnt sleep I was in a daze, and I noticed the bed was maybe 2 feet away from the wall.(when I looked won it was NY but when I looked up it was in CT)

I was hunched over and I was seemingly stuck in the gap, I was sort of snoring but I was awake, breathing seemed a chore, I looked over and I was much bigger than I recalled.

Im nto sure when I woke or when I went to sleep (it wasn’t very long) because my reality was I was tossing and turning and not being able to sleep (but I must have because I dreamt)
And when I dreamt I dreamt about tossing and turning and not being able to sleep.

When I woke up I thought it was a bit disturbing, and lead me to a few conclusions,

1. it was me in the future ,.the same as I am know,…and I had inherited my parents home in CT (which I doubt would veer happen)
2. The more likely scenario was I was my father (who is a bit over weight and snores like a freight train )

So when I thought about it more and more ,.i started to worry a bit about my father, who has a real sweet tooth and likes food a bit too much,(used to own a few restaurants) …also the huge estate works against him,…you would think it be great because hes walk around on the grounds but no, they use cars on the estate.

I ask him to lay off the condiments and he says he will but he doesn’t (lack of will? I don’t know but I feel sorry) and he always says he will and he means it but he cant,. Also last I saw him he had gained a bit (im still heavier but,. Well its muscle and im taller)

So I am going to get him a treadmill, I assume its something easy that he can do and it’s a all year type thing. Treadmills seem to be the big thing amongst the family that stay in shape,.

I also have their utility van that I need to return tot hem (might as well have atreadmill in it)

Umm how I got the utility van,

When I went on the spree in CT I had just so much (lots of shopping) that it would only fit in the van,

Clothes for which I still have no place, (im using both walk in closets and all my suitcases and yet , still have no place for them all,.)

¶ 3/05/2004 04:49:00 AM //

You get shot,…..you wear the scar till you die

Your heart gets broken,……logic dictates the same

I carry with me the weight of the dead,….i am haunted by those slain over the negation table, I see in my eyes the lost souls I have taken, they drown out my own,. I carry with me the burden of things that I have done. All the things I have done for love only in the end to have Love leave me , I fight to keep my sanity but sometimes I don’t know why I try, I struggle to get up in the mornings,.afternoons whatever,….its doesn’t matter, days melt away in to nothing ness,…. Sometimes I lose the fight and I spend a few days in bed, only getting out when I need to shower , I have failed this life and I know there are no do overs, I know I will never see Elizabeth again, I know I will never be whole again,
I play the happy clown, I try to conceal the pain within,.but the cracks they show, they show on the face that seems to want to escape my body, the dark blotches that’s how up, the skin just peeling away, the wrinkles,..who has wrinkles this early in life?,..but who is to say it is early for me,…I already have seen my sun set,…



I had SUCH amazing fantasies of domestication with Elizabeth,. To live a normal life,.
Full of passion, simple things,… being able to step out in day light , being able to sleep easy, rest easy, being able to lie face down, being able to enjoy myself, lose myself, going on picnics in open fields, being able to trun over in the middle of the night and instead of seeing the business end of amchine gun seeing her eyes,……..her eyes her eyes how I would lose myself in them and she would never know, how I would have day dreams in pricate about her eyes, how I would wonder the process that lurked behind the, how her thought process would make me weak in the knees, how through she would be, her attention to details, her mind was amazing,………she was amazing(still may be but I would not know),…

The paths we take dictate the destation to which we will arrive,…..i beat the path and took down anyone in my way, I conquered plundered and I lead men to victory , later I did away with them for I was too eager to get to the end of this path, where I hoped to all the heavens lay a simple house, with a simple car, and a simpl life, with a complex and amazing woman (Elizabeth) I torched bridges , I stomped in puddles of blood, I gave everything I had, I gave energey, money, blood, and in the end I only lost myself down a path to which there is no way back,……the bridges gone, my allies like my hopes have all dissipated, the path,….i saw the end,…. And before my eyes she blew the car and torched the house and disappeared,……so here I live,……in the rubble of relic of a life that were never mine to begin with, umungst charred ashes in blood drenched clothes,…
With nothing to show for all I have done , and no one did I let live in my wake,…

Yet I would not have done anything different,……still I would respect every decision she would make,……still I would have told her I loved her at every opportunity I had, still I would have done things I have done,….still she would have left me,…….stil I would be alone,….
When you say the things you do how can you bring so much dishonor to your self, to your clan by backing out on them? You not only tarnish your self, but you tarnish your name you families name when you lie,….

Elizabeth,…….she didn’t take the time to lie


cereal now soggy

Filters

Started out innocently enough,……poured a bowl of cereal sat down in front of “the biggest tv in the world” read to dig in (I was eating out of necessity , not out of the craving for sub par dry goods) and M tells me he cant print to the server,……
Turn on the monitor hit my finger ot the biometric scan,……..oh kazza is a resource hog,.
Shut it down and im on my way but as I pas si notice dust by a fan,…….hmm odd,.
So I open it up and its only been maybe 2-3 weeks since I claned them last and here they are clogged! (insides still debris free or it would have taken days) so I open it up take out the Electrolux and attack the beast,…….3 hours later im still vacuuming being maticulese as I made the mistake of using compressed air and it went everywhere e(and on me)

Youd be amazed at how filthy your pc gets, I mean mines sit up top and stays in a area where dust never even gets to settle and now its disgusting (umm not now, then)

So finally im done,.and is it down,……..and enjoy(not really) my soggy cereal in luke warm milk



Marriage/invasions

Sitting around all ladida , place not very clean, but good enough (right my good enough is others excellent, my excellent is govt spec at the microbotic level) and I get a call

Its my uncle,. in the area ,…….DAM! INVASION! I should have known (this was Sunday night) shit oh how it makes my stomach turn, so I hit the swiffer and dust like a mad man, my roommates not sure run to my room put on a new sweater (making sure its one my family gave me) and I look in the mirror the sweater looks odd but I keep cleaning (it was on backwards and all the tags were on the front so I didn’t see them) ,…..this vexed M and S a bit but they took the hint and ran for the hills.

The come (on only 10 minutes notice) and ,……wow only 2 people (as oppose to the normal 20) they stayed only 1/2 a hour, gave me a gift basket on the occasion of the new kid , .. they gave me the lecture on getting marired and took off,….

Wow painless,…….

So I go upstairs change, sit down with a bit of take out ready to make a mess and then,.

Call # 2

1st trip was only recon! I swear! And I hear multiple voices,…shit !

so I go up change, dump what im doing and they ar elitterallyr ight up the street (maybe closer) but they somehow get lost? I don’t know but I got 5 minutes

sorry at this point I put the labtop down and its now 4 days alter so hence scamble to fin.
I am over whelmed with topics but ill continue

5 minutes, so I run upstairs thrown on another new shirt make sure its fre of tags come down and bam,…..im swormed, and they bump in to dr. S’s swank car and the alarm goes nuts for what I hope is only 3 minutes but 10 minutes later, so I call Dr. S,

They drove the truck in to another one of their trucks and just had this one fixed, they should really let security handle all the driving not just the escort cars,

So I get the DR. and the family already hates him, so it turns out the alarm is their trucks alarm, (they drove the land crusier, their detal drives HSE’s like blairs) and it’s a proper invasion, since I wasn’t ready I had nothing out in terms of snacks or drinks and also since I had only1 5 minutes total notice all the glasses dirty , so I had to mix and match , (this is what I get for nto having a proper china cabnit) ,….its full of akward silences, and my uncle sort of gasps at the size of my tv (he used to have the biggest,……now I bet he hates me) someone brings up the pictures and we head over to the beast and the time passes as they wanted to see their new house on screen (this is the amazing one with the nasa inspired basement) I print them out a few pictures, every one laughs expet my one uncle whose still in the living room looking at the tv,…..(it ihnk he was drunk as well)

Someone asked if I had something andi said yeah, he then laughed and send I have atlest 2 of everything ….. he has a really powerful wing of the family, you can just tell by the presence he brings to the room,… bit of a drunk though,….

Leap year

Now my uncle who had the kid had it on the 29th,……..now does he technically only have a birthday once very 4 years? So when im in my 40s (20 years) he will stillonly be 3 or 4 years old? Or is it based on 365,……..then technically shouldn’t we take in to account the extra day of every year in a senc ebumping our birthdays up by a day every 4 years?

No notice visits

Family,…..it really gets on my nerves,…

Is it wrong to spy on my brothers roomate to catch him in the act and capture evidence to use to blackmail him?.........i didn’t think so

Cd litigation

Surprise to day,.i got a letter from the state attorneys office and I was sort of scared shitless ofr a bit,. And I open it up expecting a subpoena ,.but surprise surprise
It’s a check! Only for 13 something but form some cd litigation thing,…..



Still amore refuses to leave me though I wish it would,….
Stoped serving drinks,
Turned down the heat
Cranked the ac in the winter
Fired warning shots

And still her scent lingers

Why cant I forget her! ,…she just impossible to forget or to hate

If I couldhate her , it wouldhelp me move on but she was/is perfect,
It was me that was faulted not her (I can only assume, no reasons were given)

Numbers on money is a bad idea (strippers?)
So I had a client pay me in cash,…..which is fine , not the 1st time, but its usally in hundreds and one case,……but this guy had payment pull up in a van and out he throws 4 duffle bags,……..what the fuck! Dead bodies for me? (no there were no dead bodies)
Its public so I cant do much and I peek in to a bag and its fucking singles!

No my safes have no room as it is where do I even put all this? How do I even exchange it all!?? If somewhere rural I would dig a hole and just bury it but I cant,.maybe make myself a regular at a strip club but even they take 5s now (plus im still in love it be a waste,……I don’t even find other peaple out side of Elizabeth remotely attractive)

I couldn’t count it to make sure, I don’t have the facilities,….i think im gogint o have to buy a pizzarea or something to this effect (ever notice guys who own pizzeria dirve around in high end cars? Right now you know how) maybe a club,…I need to get it cleaned somehow,…maybe a thousand a week at the bank but still a thousand singles is
20 bundles!

Anyways so I needed to buy something and it was 20 usd,.so I counted out 20 singles (as I will for time to come) and I notice the same phone number on a series of bills,….

Poor bastard must have been trying to give them to a stripper and now,……every one and their mother os going to get them

This brings another point to mind,….where has this money been! I mean if im getting stripper money,……think about it,..i don’t need this, , and now it s a pile in my bedroom,
Pile of duffle bags,………oh an d I can keep the bags (big whoop I can’t even tell if I got paid the right amount)

This brings me to bedroom furanture

I have now have justa bit too many clothes, (and yet I still need a few more French cuff shirts) I have 2 califrnia walk in’s (in NY these are extrnmly hard to find let alone 2 in one place, let alone in one room) and the storage room closet also full, and the suitcases are also all being used, when I leave town I have to now leave a piule on the bed,.

I need furnature,.its a huge bedroom but no real furnature (because Elizabeth didn’t pick any out) and I orderd a set but aprently the armoiure system is too big to fit through the door,…..DAM! I had already paid for it as well,..

But it wouldn’t fit anymore,.. now its just full of fucking singles (I may just open all the bundles throw it allover the place and swim in it for shits and giggles, take a few scrooge mcduck ish pics (that’s his name right? The Donald duck spin off who has a money bin and swims in it?) though it always stiked me as odd he only had change? Why not get bills? Atlets I have singles and not pennies

Super hot wifi

Ive notice my wifi card gets extrmly hot latly and causes system halts,…I mean just really fucking hot,.cant even touch it , almost to the point of getting burned

She was so beautiful so stunning, so aw inspring,.
She could vision to the blind
And drive a deaf man wild with her accent,.

Unhealthy,.i know she doesn’t think about me like this,

¶ 3/05/2004 04:24:00 AM //

Dreams,………format,….me me me (typical American)

So I write about dreams a lot,…..well I dont write about all of them , just the abnormal ones,….(normal are he ones that carry witht hem a sytench fo death and have me waking to a pile of torn sheets)
And though I think the format is a bit more understandable as segways betwn topics,…

I write this for me,…..it helps to write it as htoughim addressing a body, because even when pepale write journals/diaries, isn’t it “dear journal”?

Thus umm,…….well no thus, no point,… ummm ….. right.,



Wes clark basketball team,

Shirts

Name on ball

Digi cam, real ball
T shirts

Renewed

Dead

So 1st dream,…I was playing basketball (could be because of the basketball I bought in CT for my parents hoops (we have a full court and last I knew we had maybe 10 balls,…now we had none so I got them a few)




but instead of playing with players I was playing vs shirts (I mean just shirts)
whis could be because of the massive amount of shirts I had bought,..(whch I did try on and if I lost a bit of weight they all look pretty good with the exception of 3 articles which I can give away)…

something happen where I needed to go out and get a digi cam,.so iwent down a path and when I came back,..all the shirts on the ground,.. Wes Clark in the coaches seat looking disappointed,……and I was playing with a shirt (as the ball) and I yelled at my team, to get their shit togther,.and they rose from the dead and got their shit togther,.i noticed a sweater I almost bought off of Gucci sweater I almost bought off of ebay ,.
Then however Clark saw that we were playing with a shirt and asked me to get a ball,.
Then everyone droped dead again,……..and I got the ball and sort of fin after that

Sort of weird cant recall a lot of it as it takes hours for me to jot it down (stupido me I know)
really good UCONN game on which by CT state law you have to be a fan,.

Dream # 2

New highway,something underneather, something moved under, many layers

Grand central above grond by many levels, 6 lanes every where,.

One police

Ride along,…lots of traffic,.mad men w. light savers,

One guy w. light save to linksys card (802.11b) and a sawzall

Light sabr type,

Tryid to stop, kicked sawzall out,
Officer went to retrave got card, o,

Over powerd and held,

Saved by officer,.

Weird id,.somehintg dorhty,…

Thought he had autority but no he was only in company uniform,.

Had another.

Warents? Dunno

His friend (lady) wanted her id chaged so we uploaded pics tht were on our server to her id card (weird),.

Dunno

Police ride along in the far furtre,.)(not too distant?)


It seemed like the “not too distant future” I was sort of watching a holgraqphic newsreport and they were covering the finisheing of a highway project,..that something had happen catostraphic and NYC was elvated and maybe the debris of Grand Central was pushed under a new highway and there was a elvated grandcentral with terminals that you pull up to like JFK in ther report it was something like peaple hadn’t beenusing one part of the 6 lane highway and so they just lifted it and placed it somewhere else,

Maybe NY1 it was,….not sure,.

But of the 6 lanes (maybe 7 or 9) but one was a designated police lane in the middle,..traffic was horrible,…..we were flying down lights going and as I looked back there was a person running with a green light saber,…it was actually something else

MAJOR DISTRACTION (so a lot is omitted because im perplexed,.on this later)

So the guy running down the opoist side like a maqd man with what semed a green light saber but it was actually something else,.(couldn’t see) and we are flying along and grid lock to each side , and we happen upon a person kneelsing over something spewing sparks (green sparks,…another green light saber).

We aproch and hes taking a sawzall (like a drill but has a mechanized saw) to a linksys 802.11b card against the payvment in a grinding morion,… something about it seems really twisted,……so I came in from the right and the officer from the left,…she did the talking ,….then I swooped in kicked the card away , officer went to get card he , then was about to come at me with the sawzall and I grabed both his wrists and he took me and slamed me on the roof of the car,., shit this guy was stong,……officer then came back and he looke dup at her,.words were spoken and saved was I,….

Next senrio we were under the series of highways and we happen upon soemtingn in an ally ,….

Out comes a guy in a white shirt black slacks a uniform, badge, he assures us all is under control,…and I wonder,……is this a rent a cop? Hes no NYPD BLUE , not a LT, and so im about to dismiss it but officer gets out the cuffs and hes booked and aperently he has a gun (also aperently illegal) and he has warrant for impersonating a officer,…

But this guy certently goes straight to the top, I mean hes impersonating a LT (lutenat)

And then (nto sure if before or after) his lady friend wanted her picture on her ID changed, so we brought it in to the unit and uploaded a new picture to the id card (maybe to reflect a new hair/eye color? Dunno but all on the up and up)

Umm that was all I could remember,…..i know I wasn’t a officer,..maybe just ona ride along



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone in NY seems to know html,……im suprices they don’t say
outloud after ever sentence.

HTML must be NY’s secand luangage, every one knows java, html, tech savy, super smart, reads harpers, every one I meet seems brilliant (not Elizabeth brilliant but none the less)

The distraction (As mentioned above)

I mentioned (maybenot) the shopping spree , and then the online ebay one,…..
Everything in green everything im winning,.then in one swoop this person out bids be on everything! Nto just formt he same seller, but everything iwas bidding on from varius sellers,…….went through protocol looking for leaks in the firewalls though the computers (though I have to check the roommates computers) and so I emailed the mass bidder (seems fake) and he was a ignorant cunt,….no manorissims,…..

I was expecting someone I know and a laugh,…….but no,…..a ignorant cunt,.
I was half tempted to launch a bit of an investigation and reach out to find him.
Go black ops , storm down the door and have him shit himself,……BUT,.
I let it go,.maybe its for the best right? And I checked with the auction owners and it wasn’t them,….. and through them they will get the contact info,.ive got the ip address and the aol accts,…..so finding him is simplke as going to A.R.I.N. who happen to own my favors agency wide,…….

Could also be someone who ventures here,……that how I came across alex.

Google her name and up I pop,……but its been months you would have assumed she would have googled her name atlest once,……..
Or

Has she already forgotten what “Viva Antarctica” ment to us?

¶ 3/01/2004 06:34:00 PM //

Somewhere (Can’t recall) someone slammed dowries saying they didn’t make sense etc etc.

On the contrary I think they make perfect sense,.

Say a Family has oh,
4 estates and 2MUSD in the bank,(for arguments sake)
and its comprised of a Mother a Father and 4 children (2 girls 2 boys)

When the girls get married they would get say 500KUSD -750KUSD(in addition to having wedding paid for ) As a dowry

Sometimes its more, sometimes it’s a few cars (my father got a helicopter among other things)
Sometimes its less , this is just a brief outline (but as far as I know cash is always involved)

The parents then in exchange never have to worry as to weather
Their daughters will have enough to eat (some are placed in trusts)
Also they become exempt form the will (when their parents pass on)

The sons would most likely get 2 estates each (these stay in the family seemingly forever)
And what ever was left over in the bank accts.

The family then stems in to 2 branches (and so on)

If one side dies (all girls) the assets default to the daughter(s) (at time of death)
And the estate goes to the closest branch.(if all branches have all girls, then the family is obviously dead)



Where as in the US you would the same scenario ( 4 children, 4 homes etc)

2 daughters get married and have their weddings paid for by their parents,
and when in a jam they go back to “mom and dad” to ask for a bit of help($)
and if not great,.

But when the parents die, everything gets split up 4 ways, (as opposed to 2)

Now provided that both daughters did get married, they now have different last names,
Thus its no longer in the family (generations later) thus the family never really grows as a empire,. Rather it dies out within 2-4 generations (unless every one becomes successful, but this seems a bit of a rarity)

So you see,…..it does make sense (if you followed)

Maybe that’s why family homes are not as common in the US as they are in old world countries

¶ 3/01/2004 02:12:00 PM //

A’s Boy,.why boys(relations in family standings, via social engineering)

So today I get a call form the elders (ive been chosen,…….kidding)
I was told great news,.incredible news,…..
1st I thought we wont he lottery,…..but then I thought even if we did it wouldn’t matter because we (by we I mean them) have everything we could possibly want and stillplenty in the bank,…my brother did the work once and he said if we only lived off of 10 million a year per person and we only got 10% intrest on our investments (we get much much more) that no one would have to work for the next 20+ generations (not takeing in to account the apocalypse and inflation but takeing in to account the upheaval of the estate tax)

right so it wasn’t the lottery,…so I guessed I got the new Maybach I wanted ,…
hysterical laughter form the other end saying it would be hilarious to see a person owning a Maybach and driving himself around,….

We bought another house? (umm more on this later but last week 3 more were bought)

No,…..i give up

Uncle A (right I know a lot of a’s as of late but I have more uncles and aunts than the un has delegations) he had a boy,. (thank god,.. every oen thought his line would die as he has 2 girls) …….

Why is this big news? Well boys are the carriers of the name,..(though I am proof that having a boy is not enough, its just a starting point…..so 2 is always better than one)

This can be seen in my grandparents (motherside) who had I think it was 12 children,…
They needed hiers,….and well 2 boys is always preferable (most people only have 2 boys,)

2boys,.

The tradition is symbiotic like the FBI and the CIA,….the 2 sons ,
The father rules,……the eldest son commands the legions which wage wars,
The younger and weaker son commands the domestic front,….
When the father dies everything is usally split in 2 (not in our case) ,.
And they tradition carries on,…..a girl is detiemnatal to this as

Girl=dowery = signifigant losses,…..

IE: my mother
My father got roughly 100 acres of land
8 matching g series mercs (old school) for his security detail
and a bell helicopter
umm lots of cash etc etc etc

this in effect cut in to the slice that would have been normal granted (can you imagin 8 girls!) but then again my mother was the eldest .

generations

now my aunts and uncles semed to have children in waves,.(like 5-10 at a time)
so 1st wave (prior to me and my brother as we were an oddity)
all boys,…….drinks around the house, the house will grow stronger (each respective house as though the blood is the same , blood alone does not make a house, but a name makes a house, a name with tradition,…..umm plus well family homes are ussally hundreds of years old .etc etc etc)

but the 2nd wave (last 5 years)
all girls,……..diffrent parents (still aunts and uncles)
but someone thought a curse (hey old familys are usally superstitus)
every one had 2 girls,…..(atthis point some call it quits)

3 strikes,.

Rule state side is that if you have 3 girls god hates you and your family name
No longer will go on,…..you must have had brothers,….to carry the name,.

IE the wicked which of the west (grandmother father side)
Had 3 children,.
Girl
Boy(father)
Girl(evil)

They wanted 2 boys, but it was good enough , name went on, nothing forfeited to other side of family,.only minor losses

Girl 3 got greedy and wanted the house to herself (not possible) then she wanted a slice(not possible, name dictates house, not blood, and by defult she is already belonging to a house of equal stature if not equal wealth, also her dowery was a kings ransom)

As a result god hates her,…..(and punishes her husband)
3 girls,…..(family wil be bankrupt by doweries alone)

the family name dies,….husband an lonely son.

I kid you not but this is how it works in many senrios,…..

Oh yes so uncle A had a boy,…..(after 2 girls)

This is nothing against girls , this is just a rough outline of how old world families work,..
I mean the 4 girls(2nd generation ) are all adorable and super cute and incredibly smart,…
.it sad though I cant recall their names,…so I call them all the same thing,..
umm iw oudl psot pictures as I took a lot of them (because thye love the digital camera)
but I wont post (more on this later)

new partitan

great segway,…pictures,…..ive been taking a lot of pictures,…way too many, this trip I didn’t try but in one day easily 500 megs,…SO,…..i ended up seting aside a 50 gig drive to just pictures,…….and if it grows by 25% in 3 months I plan on getting 2 250gig drives for just pictures

thinkpad pictures
ive noticed though,..i of the pictures on here,……I want to say 25% of them have the think pad in them,……including the one to be posted in this post,…..i should stop.
Its just seems to be every where I go though (or I should say I take it every where with me) LOVE the thinkpad

Houses in CT

I had just arrived at jfk and from afar I saw 3 HSE rovers coming in fast with wig wags and flashers (under cover police lights),…they pull up in front of me 2 men step out form the rear one middle one ,.back door swings open,…..

I guess im going for a ride,….the 2 armed men take my bags and place them in the rear rover,…(ok people,..once again this is in public at JFK international police every where,
No granted they should be arresting me but still).

Get in and passenger side its my father,(this is odd as he never goes anywhere without his fleet of armored audi’s) and next to me my uncle (the one that was reached out to, but this happen prior to that incedent,….like I said posts all fucked up)

We are gogin and im handed a envelope,….i hit the interior light but dirver kills them (dick) (he says something like we cant me regonized as the unti carrying cargo,…
Pfft fuck you, I know dss protocols as well but we are nto a target at 120 mph down a major highway,.) so I pul out my mini mag and,….pictures of houses? Why houses?.
Is this mothers way of telling me she wants me to buy her a house? (right mother drops hints the size of nukes, .also what happens is she asks, my father hits my account, and I buy it,…..she seems incapable to spend on her self for her self,..umms ad biut true)

So my aunt (youngest,.) bought a new house and wants me to look at it(her 1st)
My reaction naturally is,….what happen to the phone? Did you really need to go through all this? Im listed in the family directory,..

This is perhaps my fav aunt,…..she took care of me when iwas younger and later got married moved to England, but always visited, then moved back here,…then in maybe 2 years time they have a nice little empires going (every one says its amazing) she has 2 girls , works same lab as my mother, … state of CT issues a warning when she hits the road (her side of the family uses rovers,….so when she leaves there are 4 units that leave with her,…..2 in fornt to clear traffic 2 in back to slow it down because she is from what I gather a really bad driver,…..umm CT highways are mostly 2 lanes)
She dirves a Montero because she wants to come across as down to earth (umm blown to shit when she steps out of the car and you see 8—16 armed guards step out of surrounding pitch black, “place the fear of god in you “SUV’s) ummm I like this aunt though.

Right and the same weekend another uncle bought a massive compound within “the preserve” (cant make up these names) ..so I went to check them out,…party at one, inspection at other,

My aunt aprently made special arangments for me to havea tour through the place (which was very nice,…they were ot sighn paper work after I gave thumbs up it seems,…
Umm maybe not but they did the dotted line thing oin the spot)

The house,….AMAZING,…the tour started in the basement,…and holy shit, 1 in pipes inhouse humidifying units , phase 3 water pumps, and phase 3 water tank 1000 gallon heating oil tanks, multiple hvacs systems, redundant systems allthrough out, a security setup that looked like nasa put in to plac,e central vac (hard in super large houses)
I could go on for hours on the systems,…..this house was done up by nasa, and steven hawkinsb made a few calculations as well it would seem, heated floors,…just from the basement,…and also the filetes for the inground heated pool came in to the main house to prevent tampering , the attentionto detail was am axing in the wiring and plumbing, and the survalence system even coverd the basement, infared beams every where.,
Things I would have never thought of,.liek different water heaters for different zones, heated water for the outside water sprinklers,……enough hot water and pumps so that they could run every faucet , every sprinler system fill the pool , every tub and shower and the pressure would never decreace and the hot water would never run out,….
AMAZING!

I could go on forever, but the attention basement showed up what was insotree for the next few floors,……even the garage! Heated floors in the garage hot water taps to wash your cars, heated ceiling vans to dry them/metl off the snow, vacuum outlets through to vacuum the cars, the garage doors on a weird pip sytem that made them as quiet as a mouse pissing on cotton, everything super insulated and pullet proof, (on and on I could go),.

And the ac! They have a wide array of coolong systems outside that lined one side of the house, massive massive cooling units enough to make it snow if osmeoen left the grrn house door open)

The kitchen,….amazing,……right you get the point(oh and everything was govt spec
Beyond of what the white house has for defensive messures )


So whilsit it the area I also asaw the coumpound (actually I saw this first)
And so I acedently took the guest house as the main house,…it’s a 35,000 sq ft guest house,.(once again we are going to use the white house as an example , white house has 42,840 sq ft) ,..so im in this massive house and its all very posh and very nice (cant find the doro that takes me to the basement),…I keep hearing a whilring sound every wherei go ont his compound as they have a incredibly smart survalince system (ai) and then I hear over a “voice of god” type intercom that im in the wrong house,.so I ask if ishoudl be in the guest house? No rather I am in the guest house,……whoa,…id like to spend the night here,..so I ask directions and my aunt gives them to me(other aunt),.so I look out the back French doors on the 2nd floor and its MASSIVE,…I mean just sprawling,.
I tired to take a photo but even from the edge of the property it wouldn’t fit in to frame, so I did a panorama,….its sprawling! Just massive massive massive (150,000+ sq ft,.
Bigger than most office parks)

So after getting a lsoti nt he house a few tiems I find my cousin,…he point out the speech balcony in the back,.(like a poideium that you would make speeches from) .

This house I thought was really nice,.. (before I saw other house),. And throught the entire time there,…..iwas just thining,….all this for 3 peaple?,.. and no wait staff?
My aunt will go nuts trying to clean it all and my uncle mad tryignf to keep up on the landscaping (my father says they will wake up soon),….

It was all very nice and aperntlyt he transaction done in cash(I cant imagine)

I think my cousin will be lonely but our varius arms of our family own places in the same town (though not same area) so the kids are sure to get together on weekends.

Its well enough say we lost rank for biggest house,….state side! Over seas well,.houses are messured in acres.

Oh something I fogot to mention,…..why it hink my aporval was sort of important,.
I guess its becous eim eldest male of the new generations series?,…
My cousin she was oldest (by maybe 2 months,…and how she holds it over me)
But maybe its because iw as 1st born state side? Or that I connect better than she to the younger ones (lots of cousins),…but she sort of wants every one to be happy,…

Relestate agent was happy as shit though (she was one of my escorts through the home)
Umm, I got her to roll though,…she lost all composer,…..the inspecter(another escort) got on the roof to show mys oemthing and I closed the window,.(I didn’t think it was that funny,…..umm neither did he) ,..i think she got a rover form my aunt as a finders fee in addition to her commission,.(these sort of houses are impossible to find and the house w. the systems,……well like I said nasa, you wont find another like it in creation)

So 3 houses total,….i think the same agency negotiated the deals (homes were new)
Ill dirve by the agency in the small rural town its in and notice a sky scraper in its place that im sure we paid for,…….

Coming back
So,….i was in a series of locations abroad,m all very posh places, then kidnapped and taken to the place god ventures to when he needs to redefine luxury ,….and then I stays at my parents home, in a bed that ive described before, …….and then (well went shipping more on that in a few) came back to NYC,…..ugh,. my house I could fit in to the garages of the new home (for NYC its huge, for my family its not evern good enough for servant quarters,……though they did like “the biggest tv in the world” in the living room(oh yeah and I onlyhave one living room…..they are fclueless hwo I get by, atlets I have a foyer though)

But later today,……
Iwas sitting ,……walking to the kitchen past the super computer,..ran my finger across its aircraft grade aluminum,….ontot he marble floors of the kitchen accented by Spanish ceramic,..and picked up my take out (Mexican) form the granet counter tops,…past the stainless barrage of appliances,.and bace to the living room and plopped my self over the 18th centery rugs unto the contemporary Italian couches,…..

And I think I live a comfotabel life,…….not like what they live (family) but,.comforable,.. food that my leather lined stomach doesn’t reject,…
I sleep on a decent bed,…..i dotn really work,…..things could be worse (Well no I work and I do horrible things for work but,……still) I think im not doing too shabby for early 20’s .




Shopping spree

I’ma idiot,…..ok iwas in CT for 1 day,.didnt need clothes but went to the local Armani shop,……3,000 usd later I left and hit Prada,..2,000 usd later I hit another and another,
And 12,000usd in total that I couldn’t I really didn’t plan on spending,..DAM! ,….
And all I really wanted was a nautical wind breaker,…

So at this point I just have way too much stuff so the parental figures give me “blue thinder” as M has dubbed it,.. so I load her up and get to nyc where I take off my fleece and oh,…..i wear a XL,….and all the clothes I just sepnt a fortune on,…..well L,….
And dam I wish I tried on clothes when buying but its something I only do once or twice a year,..(umm this time around it was only tops) ,….i sound so fucking gay,….(I’m not)
Buyers remorse I suppose,……..that and none of the clothes fit,…and the trek to CT is hours,….and petrol well price went up as well,.

This is why I don’t carry credit cards,. because when the cash runs out so does my spree.

Spree part 2,…

Ebay is my enemy,….it all starts innocently enough,.needed ink for the fax (cant live w/o fax) and they didn’t have it at the local staples,….ebay!,…..then it lead to uuu surgical kits (work related, so I actually need these) and hmm wonder if they have new xl nautical fleece (nautica in ct had fleeces in every size but L which I thought I was, but im not etc etc) so I found a brand new xl fleece,…hmm pants need to patch,….sleer has a whole store! All new! .. dam 5,000usd later and ebay sucks because its addictive!

Some items including but not limited to
Louis vutton cell phone case
Loads of clothers (that I didn’t need but my size,.i checked)
Wooden maple hangers for the new clothes (to match the closet furniture and old hangers)
Multiple cell phone face plates to match shoes/belt (really really gay)
Surgical supplies


The only thing out of both sprees I got that I needed were socks,…I cant really afford 100 usd socks that no one will ever see but,.i got them anyways,. (total spent 17,000usd in 1 day)

Elizabeth used to do a good job controlling my spending,.it used to be more productive, I would ask permission and I liked it,..i like how she would say tisk tisk or what ever I wanted, etcetc,…. She is a better saver than myself,. But when iw as with her I bought more worth wild things than 3,000usd coffee makers designed by porche,… I got a picaso, 2 van gohs, fine art,.. and such, items like this that would only grow in value etc etc,…….she was wise beyond her years when we met,.its part in why I fell in love .i loved her mind,…..(yes I loved her for her mind among the millions of other reasons),.her throught process was breathtaking,..seeing her eyes shift the thought running , the calculations made, how she seemed to think about every move she would make before it was made,……she didn’t play checkers, she played chess, she knew what I would do 10 moves down the road before even saying a thing,…..

Amazing was she,…….umm yeah im a lot poorer now,…alor heavier too (maybe I was a L when I was with her? ,…..she thought I was a M but she just wanted to see me in tight clothes I think,…


World domination Guilt (afraid to move on)
Afraid to use old mannerisms reserved for her

So ive told someone about my plans for world domination and I was flooded with guilt,…no that was our plan, elizabeth and myself for taking over the world with pengins, viva antartica was out slogan, our song , our dance under the sun,.i should hide it save it,
Why did I tell that person? The person who now calls me pinky and I call her brain, (no roamnitc) im afraid to tell anyone these things,…..why did I let it slip? Yes im fairly lonely but ive chosent his line and I must walk it, and I understand what im doing it and do it with full knolage but why did I let it slip! Sub conscious? Am I looking for another Elizabeth? No just the Elizabeth,…

I find my self saying “voila” and “tisk” and things of these nature that I said when iwas with her,…and I find myself getting silly here and there,…..i hate it! Im afraid (even to admit it) that it will show I was ungrateful for all she did for me (Elizabeth) and that I had all the mannerisms that onlys he saw and now ive showed them to someone else, (inevertantly) (and as I say this elizabeths song come on over the ipod,…..its never come on the ipod before,….ipod has like 40,000 songs,…and of all songs this one comes on,.

Umm Andrew Loyd Webber

It’s a sighn but I don’t know what to make of it,…

Will I get her back? Im nto sure,…would she take me back?
Would I take her back?
Why did she leave me/?
What did I do?
The millions of questions that run through my head and yet,.when I was with her,.
Looking in to her eyes,…my mind would go blank,..her hands, her eyes, her lips brought with them a blinding happiness that made me oblivius and my mind that’s acustum to raceing at a thousand miles and hour would stop,…and everything would be alright,.and everything set clear,……all with a glance she would do this and so many more things,.

I would kid,…that she was a goddess in disguise as a angel,…but she was more,..to me,.
She was god,……..she was why I did, why I did everything. She is my everything
Thus without her I am everything removed,……..nothing


Renewd commitement for no good reason,.
Right ,…..working out again,…I strated this morning ,on the nutrition portion (ugh) and 30 glasses of water later im going every 30 minutes,. And I thought I had no reason but aprently (as I look at the piles of clothes in my room that I have no place to put) ,……oh yeah,……..so I do have a reason,…but still,.

Speaking of mindless fashion,……the shades I went on and on about






Pics wantr to post but wont
Wifi thinkpad battery

Right so my trip ive been through all the pics and this is the only oen ican sort of post,….
Not even, I may pull it later,…I haven’t combed through it w/ a magnify glass but it seems safe,….whilist in CT iwas in the den and WIFI! Holy shit! WIFI!

Now in there area there is only SAT broadband which is a bit pricy ,. And my parents don’t go online,…so my brother and I have not forced them to get it,. But aperently someone in one of the new 5M usd homes has it (umm new houses in area which ruin the area ) so I go utside and bam! Signal! Even though low it is stable, so I do all my surfing form here (See picture) ,.bit cold but it hit 50 F while I was there so it was comfortable,

Come spring (brothers graduation) we will be fighting for this spot

I also got a new battery for the ultra bay and now I easily get between 5 and 9 hours (I know it seems dramatic flux, but it matters what im doing)







Rally racing

As I was doing this rally racing is on speed,…….they use different level cars on a weird 2 person set up (head to head is weird on rally and genrally not done) looks pretty cool,..reallpy intense,……M loves the rally raceing through we don’t follow,..we just watch and go “uuuuuuuuuuu” and he curses nascar,…(because they go in circles,…
And even though I understand its really hard to do, and takes a lot of skill,…I cant watch it, its horrible to watch (unless you watch for wrecks) im sorry not my bag of chips,.if I want to watch cars go in circles ill load grand tursimo3 and do the speedway course,..

Umm sorry for the shallow post,…..but now im cought up (one more in works but it’s a bit emotional so no idea when ill fin)

Emotional post take a lot out of me, and thus don’t get finished as often as the shall nonsence ones,…

They come with too much heart ache

Oh and umm my face is falling apart because now the area round my eyes (top and bottom) are just super dark and it seems to be spreading,..i don’t know what it is, …if elizaabeth was here id ask her, but now,…….im just trying to check out as soon as I can, so I dont care

¶ 3/01/2004 02:31:00 AM //

I wear my scars through self inflicted wounds to remind myself
Of where I am, and why I have become what I have become, for moments that I feel
A change in the wind I look to my scars and am reminded of why I do what I do
Why I see the things the way I see them,..


I dreamt I wasa in love but the person told me, I didn’t tell the person etc etc weirdish Elizabeth

This was while I was in CT (acommidations there are inclredible, a good night sleep is guranteed because of the enverment provided there,…)

So I dreamt I was in love,….i was with a girl who had shorter hair than im acustum to,.shoulder lenth,.highlighs/stipes I guess,….and we were kissing and she kept telling em how much she loved me, and we wre trying to hide I guess form soemtihng,..and I wanted to tell her I loved her but,……I couldn’t, I kept thinking of Elizabeth,…..and that was the agony of the dream,….it was like iwas cheating on elizabeth,…even though I knew she had already elft me (whipped,…..i am really really whipped)

M computer malfunction, leave,.told him so

Another dream.,. M was in the downstairs room leaneing aginst a armore (no armore in downstairs bedroom) and he was griping about his labtop and saying hwo I broke it,……(I didn’t) and he was cursing threating to leave,.so I got in his face and I told him to take fucking hike and gave him notice,….i got so mad,…..

Now M is a great guy I say it over and over,.but recently there has been some hostility in dreams twds him which seem to translate in to reality., or so it seem,. Im sorry to say

A3 wants to move in,…etc etc

A3 (keeping track? Im not) is a hack,….he has some arangemtnt hat goes above my ehad so he has a secure lien and get his mail here something to do w/ feds,…now he wants to move in ,….thus meaning he wants me to kick out someone,…

So you think he would tell me,……NO he goes above my head he reaches out to a influnctal person to whom it could be persived I owe favors (I dont) but his word carries with it a mastercard logo (taken everywhere)

Anyways so today he swung by and was like nothing ever happened then he brought it up,..(fucker) and he got in to it,…..i told him the facts then fudges the roomies share (I told him place like this they paid 2400usd a piece for, ..got him thinking as he lived in western NY/Jersey where that would get him a 2bedroom )

But now he says he wants my room,……I was about to introduct him to the wrong end of a Teflon tipped bullet when he exited stage left and .

Just beocuse you reach out to god does not in fact make you god or even elvate your status in terms of holiness (though it is a good way to get full of holes)

A1 party…

A1invited me to a party,……I was tempted becoiuse its so dam close,.noone ever throws parties this close …….but umm right I turned it down,.


its always “the city”

when people ask me where I live I always say “the city” … I just take it for granted “insert NY here”,… and well this was sort of evident when I was back in CT,… at the local shopping,. (more about shopping later)

your so pretty,………now stop it,….

Elizabeth , … she was so amzing, so briollant,…so pretty,….so very pretty, I had trouble looking at her pictures at tiem because she was too pretty,…I used to tell her
“your so pretty,…….now stop it” meaning stop being so pretty,.it would always get that smile I so loved out of her,……I love her,….

I wish I didn’t,…….it wouldn’t hurt so much
So long after all I obsese about is still her,.

God help me,…

When with her I swore she was god…

¶ 2/27/2004 02:09:00 AM //

Maybe if the inexplicable hadn’t happened

Through Europe,..maybe 5-7 months,.

100 -500k usd for expenses,..

if we found a spot maybe sell the place in NY and CT
and move there,…small place in litchenstien?


If me and Elizabeth,…….well if Elizabeth had not left me,…I always wanted to go on a proper vacation with her, a proper day out,…..go through Europe for a few months do all the touristy things,.i mean between the both of us there are many places we could go (if I learned Arabic a lot more places) she knew 4 (well she was studing german) and I have 3(but I was sort of working on spanglish, and my French is so bad I don’t countit)

I wanted to take silly pictures of her in front of castles in italy (enrice) I wanted to for once go to new zeland and have a reason to look around, be with her,…..(she adored tolken) I mean save up a bit but 1st class thorugh and through, and if we found a country that made us swoon as we did each other, if we found a place that made us feel remotely as good as we did when we were together,….then I would sell the estates in the states and move there,…….

But all this is folly in my mind,…..in reality it would be she would be on vacation and I would be in a hotel room one floor up waiting for her,…all the mean time trying to hide form her father whom I supsoe she valued more than me,..but icant say for sure, I illuided to wanting to meet them, and she (when we first met) said how compasinate etc etc he was, …..i even wanted to ask him permission efore I I asked her to marry me,…
But this scared her a bit,…….i even wanted her to meet my parents (mosolin+stalin rolled in to one divided by 2 (as there is a mr. and mrs)))….maybe it was that , which scared her……..

That and her work,.it requires her to be in one place for a while (back to this in a bit)

So as much as I would have loved to have all this be a reality even if she hadn’t left me,.
It may nto of had happened


Labtops x 3! Twins
Think im crazy

So the Nikon (see below) is gone,….i tried to give it away but no one would take it so I poseted a ad saying I would trade it for something good,…I think I mentioned this before,. Anyways the best offer (besides cash) was a labtop, .i took the personup on it. It was really sad to see it go because it took so many amazing pictures of Elizabeth in boston,…..photos I forgot about, got developed months later,….and when I saw them they made my heart sing,…they were so candid, so intamite (not that way) they accentuated her smile her eyes her hair her features, .the one time she tried to grab the camera from me and take pictures of me, the time I sit her down in fornt of the labtop to hear a song and I got the camera ready,.through the mirror smiling bright and wide, she kept looking at me,..and snap,….it was a moment ill never forget,….it was a moment I thought about so many times after, I am afraid I still love her so dearly and I may never stop,……….oh the labtop

Yes well my roommates arint very tech savy and say I should have gotten a different model,…..they don’t seem to understand I LOVE the think pad (oh yeah same model) I mean ihad the super trendy vaio and all and I really didn’t mind it when I had it but when I got the thinkpad it was such a step up (nto just in performance, but reliability supprt, everything,..LOVE the keyboard light which is worth its weight in platinum.





two birds w one stone, the new stereo and the new labtops,…….twins seprated at birth(hit me when I 1st saw them side by side) though specs on the new one are a bit better, (80gig hd vs 20 gig etc etc) and the new one only has 802.11b (vs abg , out of which I prefer A)



Don’t get it

Maybe politicos smart book smart but so unsavy techs and just have no idea of the real world

(not sure what iwas trying to say here,….im doing this a lot,.finding lots of illegible nots I leave and then after decrypting them I only find they are riddles I wrote that I cant solve)

Lack of a air of greatness dictates nothing great will happen

Anticipation in the air you can cut with a knife

Not sure once again, (don’t know what I was thinking)
But polotics,……… for those who don’t understand …..about the bail outs and such,
Why you should be so upset at government bailouts and hwo a lot of corporations work.






Sad marge, tries so hard to fit in, chanel

I was watching the simpsons the one where she finds the Chanel dress on sale, and I felt so sorry for her, hwo hard she tried tofit, even though she knew she never would ietc etc, it hit a cord (adore the simpsons)


Not enough to work out and be rich

Umm ok this bit,……in NY its not enough for you to be rich and for you to work out like a fiend and be collage educated,……..nope you have to look good too,……and be blessed with a set of genes like elizabeths (im amazed the city manages to matain 8M people)

Ebola scared, elizaeth

This happen when I stoped writing,…..im nto sure, because Mario the fucking bastard in mexico who led me to francxe when I should have been in califronia isn’t getting back to me,……BUT,………

It is a female BSL4 scientist (elizabeth’s preferd field) who was infected with ebola (Elizabeth loves ebola, and used to go n and on about it though she was reworking the polio vaccine at the time, and im pretty sure she got it,…she had a major breakthrough lats I heard,) and its Maryland (same base elizabeths parents really evolved and pushed the US’s biological warefare dept ahead of the pack.,)

Speaking of which,.if your girlfriend parents did that when they were your gae and now are really big wigs and go around with the corwds they did, youd be intimidated too,….

I just wish Elizabeth wasn’t,….maybe we could have spent some time in the light together,…….not behind closed doors,.. I always wanted to do simple things with her that other couples take for granted,….

Anyways I hope its nto her so im keeping a ear to the gorund before I fly to Maryland and get arrested by the feds again for trivial bullshit,…….

Fuscking office,

Post office! I staid up all day (pulliung 48+ sleepless hours) to wait for the postal person with my Armani shades and argh! The fucking bitch didn’t even ring the bell! The fucking hag! So here I am no Armani shades iwas supsoe to get weeks ago,.

CT canceled as result, didn’t want to go,
Funerals in frenchy

Umm right you saw this post,……but I was kidnapped from jfk and taken to ct anyways,.
Ummmm more in later posts,..

Nothing about the investigation from me.

Google mantra “don’t be evil”

I cought this on peter Jennings,………the google mantra is “don’t be evil”
Now only if I could keep to that!,.

And why isn’t google in Microsoft words dictionary? (it is now)

¶ 2/27/2004 01:28:00 AM //

M party , tv, asses of friends, war, rowdy, uncaring unknown ,

Offer of peace,…..mad,,.mad,..thoughts of further madness by an already well established bad man

Alright this was days ago,……..so ill try,.

Soemtihng about a new car,…I pulled it up in the driveway and parked it next to M’s (our driveway is only wide enough for one car) ,….and then at somepoitn I grabed my blanket and pillow and went to dsleep on top of the car and I stared up at the stars,…..

Stars: When I was in CT for a day this week ,.i looked up and the stars were as clear as the sun during the day, saw the dippers, orion, etc etc,…..In ny you cant see shit, its all got a weirn pink/purple glow that eminates all the time.,

So I woke up and the van was missing

Van: when I was in CT I brought back the van beocus ei went overboard on shopping

I awoke later and was in between the cars on the chairs,..they were lawn chairs but I was sprawled on the tops (incormfortable) ,.so then M pulls in with the van and he took ti and hes all happy as shit etc etc.and he has friends, im a bit pissed he took the van w/o asking but I let it slide,……then (I didn’t notice it but I know) the tv is missing,.(the biggest tv in the world,..i talk about it all the itme on here) .and I ask him what happen, and someone else speaks up,…….they say it was fine until they hit a bump

Aprently they tried to drag it somewhere since it wouldn’t fit in,…..im enraged,…so I grab one by the shirt and threaten him that its not funny,.he says hell get me a shinier one and im about to let lose but there is a noise outside,……I take a breath I go to the pantry and I make a peace offering of a few cases of heinken for him and his friends,…..

But when I look up,….there are hundreds of people he invited invadieng out street,..
And across the street I see a bunch of girls knock on annes door and run (naeghbhor)
So I run across to assure her I will take care of ebveryone ,.but they have already gone in, and its not anne,.its wicked which oif the west,….(grandmother, evil one) and I go through the house by it seems massive and people evry where,. And in the streets,.flooding,…..

A scene plays out in my mind wher eim goignt o go to my room kill M execution stye in fornt of all then issue a warning,…..then kill his friends until the rest of these party goes get the picture,..

So I go in I take M I throw him aginst the wall and im fuming , enraged, eyes red growling, about to do him there,…..

And I don’t know when but I wake


Its hard ot know what happen because I dremt it days ago and ive been so busy I cant keep up,. Ihave maybe 10 others in the works so,…..ill try to fill in what details I can in later posts

Biut what I do know is these dreams are always super realistic (all) and this one actually made me act diffently twds M when I got up (and with the exeption fo him never oding his share he is a incredible guy)

¶ 2/27/2004 12:54:00 AM //

Everything on hold

Work related

Investigations

Interpol

Elizabeth potentially injured in bsl 4 incident in Maryland
Which I also need ot find out about (like I said once you’d hear about her on the news
Than before form me) very concerned.


Everything that was in the works is now on hold (lots of posts) everything that I am doing wont be posted till I return to the US, (even though posting form abroad is a normal occurrence but not now)

Everything up in the air

Pissed at postal service,…..but grips to follow in semi normal dysfunctional posts.

¶ 2/23/2004 02:14:00 AM //

The painful realization

She did love me and I loved her,(but I always knew I loved her)

She brought me flowers,…..i mean I never saw it coming I wasn’t expecting it and,..for my birthday in Mexcio,….she got me flowers,.white ones,.. it lived for months,..

And then I recalled what she got me for V-day 2 years ago,..so many things, all reallys mall things sentimental,. handwritten letters (a rarity in the days of paperless offices)
And example,.inside a folder was a ominus looking paper clip, but to the other side the photo I once saw and admired of her when we first met,..the little things that comprise and constatue true affection through actions,….

No flowers but choclate roses,…

The passion behind her eyes, the senserity in her smiles, the way her eyes danced,..
How could this not be love? The way she would kiss the way she would breath, the way she would palce her hand on her chest ,…the things she would say, hwo she would say,

i mean,……what guy gets flowers? Especially me1 mr. machismo (so I would like to think but probably not)

twds the end im not sure about anything,.. I cant say why she left or if she loved me,. But when we were together,.in the beging, I can say full confidently she loved me,.she msut have,..either that or she needs to consider a career in acting,. People who can get their eyes to lie are truly gifted,……..i can only lie aggression, not happiness,……..


The white flower ,…

The chocolate roses ,…

The passion behind her eyes.



Bob dole

Oh on the daily was this man,……he is really funny,…..really funny, I respected him prior, and always felt sorry for him, and though he had a sence of humer for the Saturday night sketches he would do (though I don’t watch Saturday night live, although filmied in NY its ment for the nation as a whole)
But seeing him with Jon cemented his role in my phycy as a great man who was destined for better,……they need to get him in to a cabnit,… I mean he is really funny, and im even going to say borderline non partisan,….follwos both lines of opposite aisles.




Candy has lost its sweetness….

I don’t know,.i taste candy now,.and its not as sweet,…since elzabeth left,.the caches ive had,……they sit unstirred,.and yesterday I ventured in to the jar ,……and the flavor is no longer there, the sweetness has disapated form my buds ,

The sweetest thing I have ever tasted was her lips,…..
Since I first kissed her I was on such a sugar binge,.it was either her or sweets,

And now since I cannot have her,.i have lost my taste for sweets,….no longer do they hold the same value nor the same rank as previously,….now its muck

Muck muck muckity muck muck muck


why does the blogger interface keep changing? it goes pro, then old school, and back and forth a million times (give or take a few 100,000)



Clark goodbye

Right,…..i rid my self of clark logo,..its over,…..i hope he still get a a cabnit post, maybe secretary of state? He is a rhode scholar military geniues,……hes doen more than pwell and smarter too (not to tarnish powells record or anything)

This should improve the ie functionality of this site


Ive been slacking on the posts but,….

Not buts im a slacker

Sue me,..(I have good legal representation on retainer, so I can say that)

¶ 2/17/2004 10:35:00 PM //

Comsumer friendly red empire state

NY is a place for the people with out a doubt, if you don’t like something there is always a orginzation waiting to rep you, or for you to join,…. I know im harping on ny a lot, maybe its because of all the newbies in my crowd as of late,

However a example I supsoe that made the more abundant was the empire state building,.last night iw as walking over to get documentation form a potential employer and looked over and,.it was red (and pink?) what other city decorates its most distigished buildings for v-day?

4th of july its red white and blue
Christmas season its red and green
st. patricks day its green
when the Yankees win its blue and white
new years I think it flashes, (nto sure)
v-day its red (and pink?)
im not sure about gay pride day

etc etc etc

Ebay #

So in NY people seem to be desprate for a 212 exchange because “only real nyer’s have a 212 number” its almosta form of discrimination (I have nto experienced but you can imagine,)

Ie guy 1 ,.distigished etc etc slips a girl a # but it’s a 917 or even a 718 (not chance in hell)

Guy 2, same status looks etc etc slips the same girl a 212 #

By defult guy #2 will get the call back over guy # 1

Last time I checked the auction was at 56,000usd

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3077991790&category=1503&sspagename=rvi:1:2


Hydrating fruit

So maybe 2 weeks ago I was in the mood for dry food and bought more than I should have (as always) and as of late laundery has been done more than ussal (laundery room double as pantry) also because its winter the vents to let out the humidity form the dryer are also closed,…..the result,…..all thre fruit has begun to rehydrate itself,.

End result is in a week sitme I hope to have full apricots as opposed to dehydrated ones

No really but I had a few and done feel so good,.


Poodle secret service convoys , red blue wigs,…military seargent,…..poodles Kansas

Weird dreams,…..had something to do with the secret service,….they were running a muck over a field in 3 black blazer, I must have been on a copter,….and then as the copter lowers and my horizon spans I see a much of black truck, not blazers but toytoa land crusiers subernabs everything all black, Iand in a lot of thenm I see either someone ducked down or a clown in the back with a red and blue wig,.. on and on it goes ,.i think “so this is what code red looks like”

Later I think im in debriefing room in a highrise secrets ervice once again,.and there is a poodle/wolf (weird I know) doing tricks,…..and im thinking so this is what thye wanted to show me? And something about it made me want to take a photo and send it to A (I send A a picture with every email as a habbit) something about the dog and Kansas,.so I took a photo,……came out wrong but ok,…..flahs,….then took picture of the agents, and said fine ill take it,….they told me to go down one floor where they have many and to put in for one,.i go downstairs and ask for one and they said only military sergants get one,.then the guy behind the counter was being croeccted (the place was kind of disgusting in contrast to upstairs) he was corrected to the effect of all military personal,.which I just relized I didn’t want a dog anyways,.

Late I was in a lecture hall being toght something that had to do with green goo,.btu I kept taking pictures but theyw ere all coming out blurry, the teacher was getting pisses I could tell by the one that finaly was clear,……

Umm then I woke up ,….dont know odd.


Thinkpad part 2

Ok so the Nikon no one I know whnts it even offerd it to thankless roommates and nothing,. So I put a post and I am supsoe to get a thinkpad for it for the kitchen,..
The guy canceled today but tommarrow noon,.i hope I hope I hopoe,.its just like the on e I have no which im actually very happy with.

The kitchen

I got a vsdt8 stereo,……

They are incredibly hard to find even on ebay and I got mine finally! It took months of looking , and the one in my bedroom is a model down and I really like it. Ive gone on and on about it before,….but the one in the kitchen,.its the same basic unit but it has just a plexi glass cover and it looks so dam good,.plus lots of flashing lights etc etc the remote seems to be missing so umm I emailed the seller and hoep I didn’t get ripped off, .noremote means I can change the colors on the strobing lights (old one is solid blue) now it’s a pleasnt deep purple/blue

But I got a incredidbly good deal on it (you cant even get this good of a deal on it if igt was stolen) etc etc etc,….

The new labtop will go with it in the kitchen so we can play stuff over the network,.
Movies/mp3s etc etc,.i plug my ipod in now,.has a cd player but pfft,.when was the last time I used a cd?

¶ 2/16/2004 11:12:00 AM //