I wear my scars through self inflicted wounds to remind myself
Of where I am, and why I have become what I have become, for moments that I feel
A change in the wind I look to my scars and am reminded of why I do what I do
Why I see the things the way I see them,..


I dreamt I wasa in love but the person told me, I didn’t tell the person etc etc weirdish Elizabeth

This was while I was in CT (acommidations there are inclredible, a good night sleep is guranteed because of the enverment provided there,…)

So I dreamt I was in love,….i was with a girl who had shorter hair than im acustum to,.shoulder lenth,.highlighs/stipes I guess,….and we were kissing and she kept telling em how much she loved me, and we wre trying to hide I guess form soemtihng,..and I wanted to tell her I loved her but,……I couldn’t, I kept thinking of Elizabeth,…..and that was the agony of the dream,….it was like iwas cheating on elizabeth,…even though I knew she had already elft me (whipped,…..i am really really whipped)

M computer malfunction, leave,.told him so

Another dream.,. M was in the downstairs room leaneing aginst a armore (no armore in downstairs bedroom) and he was griping about his labtop and saying hwo I broke it,……(I didn’t) and he was cursing threating to leave,.so I got in his face and I told him to take fucking hike and gave him notice,….i got so mad,…..

Now M is a great guy I say it over and over,.but recently there has been some hostility in dreams twds him which seem to translate in to reality., or so it seem,. Im sorry to say

A3 wants to move in,…etc etc

A3 (keeping track? Im not) is a hack,….he has some arangemtnt hat goes above my ehad so he has a secure lien and get his mail here something to do w/ feds,…now he wants to move in ,….thus meaning he wants me to kick out someone,…

So you think he would tell me,……NO he goes above my head he reaches out to a influnctal person to whom it could be persived I owe favors (I dont) but his word carries with it a mastercard logo (taken everywhere)

Anyways so today he swung by and was like nothing ever happened then he brought it up,..(fucker) and he got in to it,…..i told him the facts then fudges the roomies share (I told him place like this they paid 2400usd a piece for, ..got him thinking as he lived in western NY/Jersey where that would get him a 2bedroom )

But now he says he wants my room,……I was about to introduct him to the wrong end of a Teflon tipped bullet when he exited stage left and .

Just beocuse you reach out to god does not in fact make you god or even elvate your status in terms of holiness (though it is a good way to get full of holes)

A1 party…

A1invited me to a party,……I was tempted becoiuse its so dam close,.noone ever throws parties this close …….but umm right I turned it down,.


its always “the city”

when people ask me where I live I always say “the city” … I just take it for granted “insert NY here”,… and well this was sort of evident when I was back in CT,… at the local shopping,. (more about shopping later)

your so pretty,………now stop it,….

Elizabeth , … she was so amzing, so briollant,…so pretty,….so very pretty, I had trouble looking at her pictures at tiem because she was too pretty,…I used to tell her
“your so pretty,…….now stop it” meaning stop being so pretty,.it would always get that smile I so loved out of her,……I love her,….

I wish I didn’t,…….it wouldn’t hurt so much
So long after all I obsese about is still her,.

God help me,…

When with her I swore she was god…

¶ 2/27/2004 02:09:00 AM //

Maybe if the inexplicable hadn’t happened

Through Europe,..maybe 5-7 months,.

100 -500k usd for expenses,..

if we found a spot maybe sell the place in NY and CT
and move there,…small place in litchenstien?


If me and Elizabeth,…….well if Elizabeth had not left me,…I always wanted to go on a proper vacation with her, a proper day out,…..go through Europe for a few months do all the touristy things,.i mean between the both of us there are many places we could go (if I learned Arabic a lot more places) she knew 4 (well she was studing german) and I have 3(but I was sort of working on spanglish, and my French is so bad I don’t countit)

I wanted to take silly pictures of her in front of castles in italy (enrice) I wanted to for once go to new zeland and have a reason to look around, be with her,…..(she adored tolken) I mean save up a bit but 1st class thorugh and through, and if we found a country that made us swoon as we did each other, if we found a place that made us feel remotely as good as we did when we were together,….then I would sell the estates in the states and move there,…….

But all this is folly in my mind,…..in reality it would be she would be on vacation and I would be in a hotel room one floor up waiting for her,…all the mean time trying to hide form her father whom I supsoe she valued more than me,..but icant say for sure, I illuided to wanting to meet them, and she (when we first met) said how compasinate etc etc he was, …..i even wanted to ask him permission efore I I asked her to marry me,…
But this scared her a bit,…….i even wanted her to meet my parents (mosolin+stalin rolled in to one divided by 2 (as there is a mr. and mrs)))….maybe it was that , which scared her……..

That and her work,.it requires her to be in one place for a while (back to this in a bit)

So as much as I would have loved to have all this be a reality even if she hadn’t left me,.
It may nto of had happened


Labtops x 3! Twins
Think im crazy

So the Nikon (see below) is gone,….i tried to give it away but no one would take it so I poseted a ad saying I would trade it for something good,…I think I mentioned this before,. Anyways the best offer (besides cash) was a labtop, .i took the personup on it. It was really sad to see it go because it took so many amazing pictures of Elizabeth in boston,…..photos I forgot about, got developed months later,….and when I saw them they made my heart sing,…they were so candid, so intamite (not that way) they accentuated her smile her eyes her hair her features, .the one time she tried to grab the camera from me and take pictures of me, the time I sit her down in fornt of the labtop to hear a song and I got the camera ready,.through the mirror smiling bright and wide, she kept looking at me,..and snap,….it was a moment ill never forget,….it was a moment I thought about so many times after, I am afraid I still love her so dearly and I may never stop,……….oh the labtop

Yes well my roommates arint very tech savy and say I should have gotten a different model,…..they don’t seem to understand I LOVE the think pad (oh yeah same model) I mean ihad the super trendy vaio and all and I really didn’t mind it when I had it but when I got the thinkpad it was such a step up (nto just in performance, but reliability supprt, everything,..LOVE the keyboard light which is worth its weight in platinum.





two birds w one stone, the new stereo and the new labtops,…….twins seprated at birth(hit me when I 1st saw them side by side) though specs on the new one are a bit better, (80gig hd vs 20 gig etc etc) and the new one only has 802.11b (vs abg , out of which I prefer A)



Don’t get it

Maybe politicos smart book smart but so unsavy techs and just have no idea of the real world

(not sure what iwas trying to say here,….im doing this a lot,.finding lots of illegible nots I leave and then after decrypting them I only find they are riddles I wrote that I cant solve)

Lack of a air of greatness dictates nothing great will happen

Anticipation in the air you can cut with a knife

Not sure once again, (don’t know what I was thinking)
But polotics,……… for those who don’t understand …..about the bail outs and such,
Why you should be so upset at government bailouts and hwo a lot of corporations work.






Sad marge, tries so hard to fit in, chanel

I was watching the simpsons the one where she finds the Chanel dress on sale, and I felt so sorry for her, hwo hard she tried tofit, even though she knew she never would ietc etc, it hit a cord (adore the simpsons)


Not enough to work out and be rich

Umm ok this bit,……in NY its not enough for you to be rich and for you to work out like a fiend and be collage educated,……..nope you have to look good too,……and be blessed with a set of genes like elizabeths (im amazed the city manages to matain 8M people)

Ebola scared, elizaeth

This happen when I stoped writing,…..im nto sure, because Mario the fucking bastard in mexico who led me to francxe when I should have been in califronia isn’t getting back to me,……BUT,………

It is a female BSL4 scientist (elizabeth’s preferd field) who was infected with ebola (Elizabeth loves ebola, and used to go n and on about it though she was reworking the polio vaccine at the time, and im pretty sure she got it,…she had a major breakthrough lats I heard,) and its Maryland (same base elizabeths parents really evolved and pushed the US’s biological warefare dept ahead of the pack.,)

Speaking of which,.if your girlfriend parents did that when they were your gae and now are really big wigs and go around with the corwds they did, youd be intimidated too,….

I just wish Elizabeth wasn’t,….maybe we could have spent some time in the light together,…….not behind closed doors,.. I always wanted to do simple things with her that other couples take for granted,….

Anyways I hope its nto her so im keeping a ear to the gorund before I fly to Maryland and get arrested by the feds again for trivial bullshit,…….

Fuscking office,

Post office! I staid up all day (pulliung 48+ sleepless hours) to wait for the postal person with my Armani shades and argh! The fucking bitch didn’t even ring the bell! The fucking hag! So here I am no Armani shades iwas supsoe to get weeks ago,.

CT canceled as result, didn’t want to go,
Funerals in frenchy

Umm right you saw this post,……but I was kidnapped from jfk and taken to ct anyways,.
Ummmm more in later posts,..

Nothing about the investigation from me.

Google mantra “don’t be evil”

I cought this on peter Jennings,………the google mantra is “don’t be evil”
Now only if I could keep to that!,.

And why isn’t google in Microsoft words dictionary? (it is now)

¶ 2/27/2004 01:28:00 AM //

M party , tv, asses of friends, war, rowdy, uncaring unknown ,

Offer of peace,…..mad,,.mad,..thoughts of further madness by an already well established bad man

Alright this was days ago,……..so ill try,.

Soemtihng about a new car,…I pulled it up in the driveway and parked it next to M’s (our driveway is only wide enough for one car) ,….and then at somepoitn I grabed my blanket and pillow and went to dsleep on top of the car and I stared up at the stars,…..

Stars: When I was in CT for a day this week ,.i looked up and the stars were as clear as the sun during the day, saw the dippers, orion, etc etc,…..In ny you cant see shit, its all got a weirn pink/purple glow that eminates all the time.,

So I woke up and the van was missing

Van: when I was in CT I brought back the van beocus ei went overboard on shopping

I awoke later and was in between the cars on the chairs,..they were lawn chairs but I was sprawled on the tops (incormfortable) ,.so then M pulls in with the van and he took ti and hes all happy as shit etc etc.and he has friends, im a bit pissed he took the van w/o asking but I let it slide,……then (I didn’t notice it but I know) the tv is missing,.(the biggest tv in the world,..i talk about it all the itme on here) .and I ask him what happen, and someone else speaks up,…….they say it was fine until they hit a bump

Aprently they tried to drag it somewhere since it wouldn’t fit in,…..im enraged,…so I grab one by the shirt and threaten him that its not funny,.he says hell get me a shinier one and im about to let lose but there is a noise outside,……I take a breath I go to the pantry and I make a peace offering of a few cases of heinken for him and his friends,…..

But when I look up,….there are hundreds of people he invited invadieng out street,..
And across the street I see a bunch of girls knock on annes door and run (naeghbhor)
So I run across to assure her I will take care of ebveryone ,.but they have already gone in, and its not anne,.its wicked which oif the west,….(grandmother, evil one) and I go through the house by it seems massive and people evry where,. And in the streets,.flooding,…..

A scene plays out in my mind wher eim goignt o go to my room kill M execution stye in fornt of all then issue a warning,…..then kill his friends until the rest of these party goes get the picture,..

So I go in I take M I throw him aginst the wall and im fuming , enraged, eyes red growling, about to do him there,…..

And I don’t know when but I wake


Its hard ot know what happen because I dremt it days ago and ive been so busy I cant keep up,. Ihave maybe 10 others in the works so,…..ill try to fill in what details I can in later posts

Biut what I do know is these dreams are always super realistic (all) and this one actually made me act diffently twds M when I got up (and with the exeption fo him never oding his share he is a incredible guy)

¶ 2/27/2004 12:54:00 AM //

Everything on hold

Work related

Investigations

Interpol

Elizabeth potentially injured in bsl 4 incident in Maryland
Which I also need ot find out about (like I said once you’d hear about her on the news
Than before form me) very concerned.


Everything that was in the works is now on hold (lots of posts) everything that I am doing wont be posted till I return to the US, (even though posting form abroad is a normal occurrence but not now)

Everything up in the air

Pissed at postal service,…..but grips to follow in semi normal dysfunctional posts.

¶ 2/23/2004 02:14:00 AM //

The painful realization

She did love me and I loved her,(but I always knew I loved her)

She brought me flowers,…..i mean I never saw it coming I wasn’t expecting it and,..for my birthday in Mexcio,….she got me flowers,.white ones,.. it lived for months,..

And then I recalled what she got me for V-day 2 years ago,..so many things, all reallys mall things sentimental,. handwritten letters (a rarity in the days of paperless offices)
And example,.inside a folder was a ominus looking paper clip, but to the other side the photo I once saw and admired of her when we first met,..the little things that comprise and constatue true affection through actions,….

No flowers but choclate roses,…

The passion behind her eyes, the senserity in her smiles, the way her eyes danced,..
How could this not be love? The way she would kiss the way she would breath, the way she would palce her hand on her chest ,…the things she would say, hwo she would say,

i mean,……what guy gets flowers? Especially me1 mr. machismo (so I would like to think but probably not)

twds the end im not sure about anything,.. I cant say why she left or if she loved me,. But when we were together,.in the beging, I can say full confidently she loved me,.she msut have,..either that or she needs to consider a career in acting,. People who can get their eyes to lie are truly gifted,……..i can only lie aggression, not happiness,……..


The white flower ,…

The chocolate roses ,…

The passion behind her eyes.



Bob dole

Oh on the daily was this man,……he is really funny,…..really funny, I respected him prior, and always felt sorry for him, and though he had a sence of humer for the Saturday night sketches he would do (though I don’t watch Saturday night live, although filmied in NY its ment for the nation as a whole)
But seeing him with Jon cemented his role in my phycy as a great man who was destined for better,……they need to get him in to a cabnit,… I mean he is really funny, and im even going to say borderline non partisan,….follwos both lines of opposite aisles.




Candy has lost its sweetness….

I don’t know,.i taste candy now,.and its not as sweet,…since elzabeth left,.the caches ive had,……they sit unstirred,.and yesterday I ventured in to the jar ,……and the flavor is no longer there, the sweetness has disapated form my buds ,

The sweetest thing I have ever tasted was her lips,…..
Since I first kissed her I was on such a sugar binge,.it was either her or sweets,

And now since I cannot have her,.i have lost my taste for sweets,….no longer do they hold the same value nor the same rank as previously,….now its muck

Muck muck muckity muck muck muck


why does the blogger interface keep changing? it goes pro, then old school, and back and forth a million times (give or take a few 100,000)



Clark goodbye

Right,…..i rid my self of clark logo,..its over,…..i hope he still get a a cabnit post, maybe secretary of state? He is a rhode scholar military geniues,……hes doen more than pwell and smarter too (not to tarnish powells record or anything)

This should improve the ie functionality of this site


Ive been slacking on the posts but,….

Not buts im a slacker

Sue me,..(I have good legal representation on retainer, so I can say that)

¶ 2/17/2004 10:35:00 PM //

Comsumer friendly red empire state

NY is a place for the people with out a doubt, if you don’t like something there is always a orginzation waiting to rep you, or for you to join,…. I know im harping on ny a lot, maybe its because of all the newbies in my crowd as of late,

However a example I supsoe that made the more abundant was the empire state building,.last night iw as walking over to get documentation form a potential employer and looked over and,.it was red (and pink?) what other city decorates its most distigished buildings for v-day?

4th of july its red white and blue
Christmas season its red and green
st. patricks day its green
when the Yankees win its blue and white
new years I think it flashes, (nto sure)
v-day its red (and pink?)
im not sure about gay pride day

etc etc etc

Ebay #

So in NY people seem to be desprate for a 212 exchange because “only real nyer’s have a 212 number” its almosta form of discrimination (I have nto experienced but you can imagine,)

Ie guy 1 ,.distigished etc etc slips a girl a # but it’s a 917 or even a 718 (not chance in hell)

Guy 2, same status looks etc etc slips the same girl a 212 #

By defult guy #2 will get the call back over guy # 1

Last time I checked the auction was at 56,000usd

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3077991790&category=1503&sspagename=rvi:1:2


Hydrating fruit

So maybe 2 weeks ago I was in the mood for dry food and bought more than I should have (as always) and as of late laundery has been done more than ussal (laundery room double as pantry) also because its winter the vents to let out the humidity form the dryer are also closed,…..the result,…..all thre fruit has begun to rehydrate itself,.

End result is in a week sitme I hope to have full apricots as opposed to dehydrated ones

No really but I had a few and done feel so good,.


Poodle secret service convoys , red blue wigs,…military seargent,…..poodles Kansas

Weird dreams,…..had something to do with the secret service,….they were running a muck over a field in 3 black blazer, I must have been on a copter,….and then as the copter lowers and my horizon spans I see a much of black truck, not blazers but toytoa land crusiers subernabs everything all black, Iand in a lot of thenm I see either someone ducked down or a clown in the back with a red and blue wig,.. on and on it goes ,.i think “so this is what code red looks like”

Later I think im in debriefing room in a highrise secrets ervice once again,.and there is a poodle/wolf (weird I know) doing tricks,…..and im thinking so this is what thye wanted to show me? And something about it made me want to take a photo and send it to A (I send A a picture with every email as a habbit) something about the dog and Kansas,.so I took a photo,……came out wrong but ok,…..flahs,….then took picture of the agents, and said fine ill take it,….they told me to go down one floor where they have many and to put in for one,.i go downstairs and ask for one and they said only military sergants get one,.then the guy behind the counter was being croeccted (the place was kind of disgusting in contrast to upstairs) he was corrected to the effect of all military personal,.which I just relized I didn’t want a dog anyways,.

Late I was in a lecture hall being toght something that had to do with green goo,.btu I kept taking pictures but theyw ere all coming out blurry, the teacher was getting pisses I could tell by the one that finaly was clear,……

Umm then I woke up ,….dont know odd.


Thinkpad part 2

Ok so the Nikon no one I know whnts it even offerd it to thankless roommates and nothing,. So I put a post and I am supsoe to get a thinkpad for it for the kitchen,..
The guy canceled today but tommarrow noon,.i hope I hope I hopoe,.its just like the on e I have no which im actually very happy with.

The kitchen

I got a vsdt8 stereo,……

They are incredibly hard to find even on ebay and I got mine finally! It took months of looking , and the one in my bedroom is a model down and I really like it. Ive gone on and on about it before,….but the one in the kitchen,.its the same basic unit but it has just a plexi glass cover and it looks so dam good,.plus lots of flashing lights etc etc the remote seems to be missing so umm I emailed the seller and hoep I didn’t get ripped off, .noremote means I can change the colors on the strobing lights (old one is solid blue) now it’s a pleasnt deep purple/blue

But I got a incredidbly good deal on it (you cant even get this good of a deal on it if igt was stolen) etc etc etc,….

The new labtop will go with it in the kitchen so we can play stuff over the network,.
Movies/mp3s etc etc,.i plug my ipod in now,.has a cd player but pfft,.when was the last time I used a cd?

¶ 2/16/2004 11:12:00 AM //

1621 roses,

so you see, I have a tendencies to forget things,.example being last years valentines gift to Elizabeth I sen tout maybe a daybefore (oops) but it didn’t matter because when they got to her she refused to sighn for them (because at that point she decided not to be with me)
and so also in that toime I planned for the year ahead ,….to be on time for once, because us not being together was unforeseeable by even the almighty him(her)self .

so I sent her the same thing I sent her the year prior,.(well no I also sent toys, umm at the time what the clerk assured me the most popular scent was state side, (her being in mexico at the time it wouldn’t be popular for another 6 months I assumed) a few other things,…sweet notions,..etc etc,….and I also sent her a rose for every day we had been together (1200+?)

anyways so this year,.lala minding my business,…..and I get the bill from ftd today (it be nice to have been forwarned of my stupidity) but,…I arranged it last year,..1621 red long stemed roses,.oen for every day,…….1621 roses at 5 usd a piece,…..

but it was turned away at the gates and FTD said they were not resoponsable for the roses dyeing due to lack of acceptance,…….umm etc etc,…

so im just goignt o pay it and try to figure out what I had planned for our anniversary
(umm 1621 roses deliverd on a Saturday V-day is 8805.06 usd)


so what day was it then?

Right I don’t know what day she left me,.i mean I was there,…..and it was instant shock,.i woke up maybe 2 weeks later in a daze and then shock for 6 months,..

So its all a blur,….i cant not tell you what I did that day or the weeks past it,…..
The day prior,..i cleaned the house, hit the bank etc etc, I can spit out details like a IRS auditor (tis the season isn’t it?) btu the day of and after,……..and 6 months later,…..blur,. haze,……..arrested by Interpol,.few court dates,….blur……cant recall a lot of it,.only pain and agony which still infest me,.

But I suppose its been a year,…by march atlest it will be because that’s when she started going out with Alex (who if I had found out about in that 6 month phase I am sure would of ended up as freshly hand grounded pulp) .but she broke his heart too,.she breaks a lot of hearts,…… when I was with her I tried to ask her to be more compasinate in doing so because she will never understand the changed people around her endure when she enters a room,……..amazing… she is just so amazing


ignorant domesticated sheep

When I was with her,…..i had grand fantasies,……dillusians of a life I could live,.all I needed was to try harder,…..do one more job,.. take one more penny,…

I wanted to be domesticated more than anything,.i wanted to wake in the mornings next to her, have eggshell walls, 2 dogs, throughbreads of a good line,.siberian husjies,.name one ucipiluies ,….atlest oen in the beginning,.i wanted the 3rd room to be maybe a nursery or a study fro elizabeths work,.

I just wanted to be ignorant,.nto care about the worlds problems (or be involved in them)
I wanted to be domesticated
I wanted to be a sheep,…. Baaaaaaa(beee in mexico)

I wanted her,.and ntohign else matterd,.


Getting better

the les it hurts the less human I become,
the colder the skin to the touch,
the more violent the tendencies
the more synical the actions
the more joy I take in taking
the more jaded the motivations
the less give up
the less I care,

the less I matter

¶ 2/14/2004 10:06:00 PM //

How is it that in downtown no one has wifi?

So I went down to pick up the shades but they said 2 hours,…..ok well my other glasses have a scratch anyways so,….i need them fixed and as im goignt o be blind for a hour ive got no choice but to wait,……..

Hour later got my glasses,.eureka! whip out the thinkpad (vaio seems to have gone way fo the dodo,.) so im trying to find a local wifi to hack and,………what! Downtown heavily populated area and not 1 wifi! ….so I work on some umm tings and finally resort to playing solitare wishing I had the vaio (full of games)

A hour later,.they come out to tell me the tinting is only 35% done,….it was 60% done when I came in mind you (I asked for 80% grey,.though now im thining blue) they expained they would need to order new lenses because their batch may have had a problem,……so I ask if I can change my mind on frame s(the pradas looks less and less attractive) I saw a few sean johns but a bit meh,.but better,….then ARMANI! Armani never fails, put them on and they felts good, cant tell how they looked because I was blind but they felt good , far better than the rest,…….paid the difference (yes belive it or not Armani costs more than Prada,…)

Prada shades 2500usd
Armani upgrade(?) 200usd
Lenses 280 usd
Tinting 10usd

So like 3000usd,…(2990usd) for shades that are already fashionably late,….figures right?

Oh and the lenses for the current frames were 280 usd

(sorry no master card jokes here)

But they said they would mail them ,..i couldn’t stand going down their again and waiting 2 hours with no wifi ,…

God some times I sound so gay,……


Befw11s4 v4

Elizabeths scent still Lingers,……

I will be laying in bed and,….it will just hit,…her scent,……I will be walking though a hallway and,…….there it will be again,…im constantly haunted by ghosts of the past, im constantly remineded of what could have been ,……I have no hope for a recovery of a broken heart,…….

Front line is incredible

Front line constantly makes my jaw drop,…..that and bill moyers(not as much so) I mean mcglaughlin group is good and all but,……..frontline,…its incredible,….its so unbais,……I mean when I was to say fuck this group,….it will display that group in a unbais straight up fashion and,……I have no choice but to go uuuuuuuu and ahhhhhhhhh

Its always so well thought out, so through so informative to all sides, just a marvel, and everything is so easy to follow,.ir ecamend it for all politico novices,……


The daily show too,……I mean its smart witty and funny, especially if you get all the jokes,….it beats the drum in a comedic light (which gives them much leeway) that other agencies are afraid to,….

Umm jim lehaer is the apitamy of what a news broadcast should be if he doesn’t put you to sleep,…….ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Right what im getting at is I just cut a 10,000usd check to PBS,….i guess instead of getting a Maybach its goignt o be a c class merc at the rate im going


M can do so so much better,.
Soho girl,……flushing,.etc etc

M I talk about a lot, (guy) he is incredibly smart, funny, works out,…girls should be fighting over him,…..he should have a billyburg hipster at his side I suppose ,..
(he is a hipster though) but no hes got what I supsoe is his new girl F and,….well
I haven’t spoken to her for more than a moment but,……he can do soo much better,…..

Maybe its that height is really important to girls around here,.(must be 6ft+) which im only 5-10-5-11ish,……..maybe its that most girls here wear lethal heels?

Elizabeth didn’t care about hight after we met,….she would say iwas a bit taller but,…it was her that was a hair taller,….espceially when she would wear her hair up, and wlel when she wore heels,….id be looking up the entire night,……but I didn’t mind,…..but when she wore just trainers,……well it was ideal,..we could just reach over and kiss etc etc,… I used to think we made a lovly couple (then well it dawned on me,.she made the lovly half )

Etc etc,……

Im having a banna Snapple,…….wantay?

¶ 2/13/2004 12:19:00 PM //

Girl

So there is this person whom I don’t even know,…she goes on and on about hwo she loves America this how she loves America that,……….then she tells me that she went ot jersey and oculdint stand it (contrary to popular beliver New Jersey actually has a lot of prime real estate and is actually pretty clean outside the major cities) then she told me she cried when she got back to NYC because it was so clean etc etc (she obvisuly has not been to the fish markets downtown, or Chinatown, or even little italy for that matter)

She told me she was an american through and through and couldn’t / wouldn’t go back to Europe,……

then she made a comment how she couldn’t get a loan because she wasn’t a citzen,.

Right,…………so I made a joke to the effect of hopeing the INS doesn’t storm down her door,…….and to have a nice lfie.,but she couldn’t leave well enough alone

She then tell me she loves the INS,……she loves the INS! Her a imagrant loveing her seemingly only oppressor,……..

I really tried to tell her the benfits of getting a dual citizenship,…I couldn’t list all the benfits as there are just thousands upon thousands of potential benfits,….

I used France Switzerland and pourtugal as just some examples ,….and then she practicallys poit on the idea saying it was fine for rich people but only Milan italy was of any intrest to her,………….hwo much is wrong with that statement? (she only wants to live in the “hos” of NYC which is prime prime realestate with outragues rent, she only goes to Milan italy ,…yet france (nto a very rich contry on a person to person basis) and swissterland are only for the super rich?,…..she then got int o how freinch food sucks etc etc,…..

At this point even I gave up,…..

Why do I care what she foes with her life? I don’t even know this person. So I gave up and alekd away thinking pfft,….let her burn her own bridges

idiots are geniuses.

Pizza

Last night iwas gogin to order my massive pile of sandwiches which I am so addicted to however M walked in and I told him my intentions and he suggested pizza,……from a place he fancied in Connecticut,…..it was papa johns, which is a semi popular chian which ive never had form as its all mass produced, and while living in CT I never had fast food.

So I agreed and if it was good it was a much cheaper alternative to Il Cimeno,…..

So 2 hours later on the 2nd driver im trying to explain how to egt to the house and im telling him go straight,…go straight,..go straight,………and he turns right and ends up at la guardia airport! How does he end up at la Guardia ?!?!?!???

Also his location kept changing,…..one secand the location he syas is to our north,…the next hes giving a location to our south,……..then to west and east and its all rumsefeild double speak,…(“we know the wmds are locatied in Baghdad,..roughly to to the north,….east,………..south,……….and west” the entire country in otherwords)

If he was a enemy force we would have been surrounded,…..

Anyways I wished him best of luck in his elemtary education and hung up,…..

Il cimeno it was,…….placed a massive order as we were famished at that point,………Miguel thengets a call form the owner of the 1st place and the owner says he will get it,……miguel says fine but if they cant ifnd it forget it as they are already 2 hours late,…… He said this thinking they would not find the place and he said he didn’t want to burn bridges to which I replied he was a better man that iw as as I would have napalmed the bridge,……

30 minutes later ,.now dying of famon, (hevean forbid we cook for ourselves) a ring! Eurika ,.food! ,………..umm wait your not the iltalian girl from ,…..DAM! they found us,….. ok so thanks,…2 pies,…..pay him,…….then il cimeno,……..thats 2 pies many sandwiches and she apologized because she ran out of doe to make us garlic bread,……no biggie I suppose,… i paid my share as well M is technically a struggling grad student right?

but then we sit everything down in the Kichen and there is more food than we go through in a month it seems,……we each have a slice of papa johns as M advocates tasteing each and contrasting varities (fast food as opposed to fine local dining)

after one slice *whihc i found very lack luster) we are both stuffed and just cant help but laugh at the pile for which there is no room in the fridge,…..too bad there are no homless peaple in our area or we would have tried to give it away,.......shame it is (and well M was right,.papjohns, 18 usd w/ bad tip
il Cimeno 80 usd w/ good tip)

Clark

OH CLARK! WHY OH WHY DID YOU LEAVE US! ,……

Oh I even donated,.i donated A LOT, I bought the book, I really wanted him to win,…..he was by far the best candidate on paper ,.and he was improveing so well, and he inspired such greatness , and,….if iwas gay,..he was by far the best looking,…..

I so wanted him to win,…..and I did put my money where my mouth was but unfortuntily,. It will notbe,…..and I knwoi said I would take doewn the bannor to the right (which can only see in netscape) as it interfers with IE browsers being able to correctly view the site etc etc,………but im going to keep it up till early amrch when the primaries end

He already turned down the #2 spot , I would have loved to see a Edwards Clark ticket or vice versa (not now though) ,……btu who ever does take it should consider making him Sec. of State like powell,…..powell had only military collation exp. Which Clark is just oozing,……..smart cookie that Clark,…………mmmmmmmm cookie

now here what iwant to know,...Clark has alot int he bank,......and i gave alot,......
the max by law,......do i get it back? please?

biut later i go to the magical wizard of prada to get the new shades,.hope they are done, and hoep they look good,.im really haveing buyers remores (woudlnt you for over 2500usd for one set of shades?)

ithese have a scratch,..mayeb ill get these fixed too,......right see that drain over ther e(no you dont but paly along and nod yes) .....thats what im trying to jam everything i have down,.....

i seem to try to rid of myself of money like its cancerues,.......and i need to head byt he bak spo they can say im nto who i am to get my moeny,......and thier atms never give enough,...

the rule for atms should be you should have enough for a nice dinner out,.......
400usd is not enough in some cases,...(dinenr for 2,.....but who am i kidding,....
my heart is sitll broken,......im not goign to be goign out with anyone for a bit)


it becomes more and mroe clear that i will nevr date again becose im just so whipped,.

even if i met a model over on 7th who was heir to the pastier fortune, who invented a cure for aids who was smart witty funny caring and swete,..i would still not be bale to get it up or be attracted,...

then again i did jsst sdescribe elizabeth,.....GEniues brillant scintist comeing up with cure for ebola and more,...her mother and father parents to the US biological warfare dept.. sweet kind compasinate .a heart of gold that would inspire such greatness if she could bear to smile more,.....but then again i do not know becouse i have not seen her in so long, nor will i,....

umm got go ,......

the magical wimsical world of retail price gugiung is calling

¶ 2/12/2004 10:16:00 AM //

Pakistan

Dam now I feel fine again,…..fucking roller coaster sometimes it as tough I cant really take it,.,……..I was wrong about A,…umm I knew it was going to happen,…as soon as I post she was gogint o email me,…DAM IT! ,….and so I sent a heart felt sort of email that C+ would get,..well not that good but there bouts, but I don’t feel like going out tonight,…….its not like I work, 9-5 or even once a week, weekends are meaningless to me.


When I get the merc,…1st thing last as always,……..instead of christening the car with a metaqllicaesc ballot,……(by metallica),…no no industrial hevyu hevy hevy metal , for a hevy metal car,……..nto just hevy metla but industrial heavy german metal (it’s the sort fo metal that makes our metal look like aluminum foil) ,..i don’t know if you ever heard of Ramstein (like the US Air Force Base,…..means batteringram which is odd that they would name a air base battering ram,….as opposed to say a armored division base in italy,….or is that a ranger only base?,…….lesson is kiddies that the US has a lot of bases and the sun never sets on the might of the US legions (romensic isn’t it?)

We are the new rome,.umme tc etc etc

Makes me think Bush is Nero,…..(playing his cowboy games in Crawford whilist the dollar takes a dive like a broker who just lost it all off of a tower in the finical district)

Oh and this pakastani guy that just 2 days ago I said needs to be made a example of,….its as though prevz musharif reads this and tries to spite me EVERY FUCKING TIME!

He gave him a full presidential pardon,…..

And the scientist in India,…….him they give the office of prime minister.



A offerd me her protection services from the squirls who plot to kill me ,

Evil squirls! …..it was very sweet of her,.


I cant be trusted with money,……..

It seems no matter ho wmuch I have in my wallet it is all guranteed to be gone when I get home,…..one day I left with only 100 usd,.cam ehome ,.all gone,……today I left with 5,000usd,…..came home,…….all gone,…..

I had these killer shades a bit ago and they were great every one liked them and etc etc etc,……..they were the best pair ive ever had and I lost them (in the del sol incident)

They were really a fluke purchase,.. so I happened by the palce I get myeye glasses and,….suprise they keep records,.but the frames were discontinued,…..dam!,….

I got close but I don’t think I will be as happy with them,……I was meh ish,..

They were Prada ,….and the lenses were nto bad, only 250usd, and then loenese were not bad either,…only 2500usd (my ck were 1200usd ) …..now wheres the other 1750 usd?

Oh I did order a

Fan in the bathroom went bust went every where to look for a replacement but no where,.ill have to head over to the home depot in a few days,. But ugh….i hat ethe thought of it,…. It was amazing how many places I went,….

Took mass transit too,.btu never again,……..took a bus,.almost fell,….then entire way a group of high school girls just kept laughing about the man with the briefcase who almost fell but somehow pulled a move out of the matrix (me) ,….
Never again,

Did the monthly trip to the ghetto for the thing I have to do once a month,…

Labtop cord broke again,…got new adapter ends and another marvel solder job.


Oh the snobby non profit called today! After 3 weeks! But I told them it was weeks ago and I took a post with the red cross,…..even though I didn’t get it,..

Pfft she had a attitude as well,…no thanks,……


Umm right lots more boring shit,…..

Oh and im addicted to banna Snapple,…..i have latterly 30 bottle sin my fridge,….
Well I ahd,…..now its maybe 10





I think im very sick,.(mentally?)

In sleep,.i lay,…..sometimes nightmares and I wake with no tossing or turning,…

But now,…I just went upstairs to get the sheet sfor a load of laundery and, the blanket is all mangled and the sheets are all torn ..i guess I have been tossing and turning but my tounge hurts today as wlel,.i though maybe I cut it on a biot of food,. I don’t know, its happen before right?,…… but now im thinking maybe I have sezuires because the bed is maybe 3 feet off form the wall, which I may not have noticed as I have a mountain of pillows (Elizabeth said once she liked pillows, hence I have many) .

Its disturbing to say the least

My inner child is forty-five years old!

I've never really liked children, not even when I
was one. I want things neat, ordered, and
adult--fine wine instead of french fries, pina
coladas by the pool instead of beach sand
between my toes. Now if only my fellow adults
would stop acting like such, well, children!


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla


bout right if you ask me,.

Umm I know my post have been even more chaotic and not as thought provoking, shallow, unsubstantiated so on and so forth,.it sjust I lack so much energy,.icant even type nay more,…I start with seemingly brilliant topics on my word doc, but then I can t manage to complete the thoughts……


Imporvment soon I hope,.(please don’t tell me im becoming even more os of an idiot)

¶ 2/10/2004 08:00:00 PM //

Today M came back with a wale of a story,……

He went to a mexican restaunt run by chinnesse people that were actually nice!

We then got in to on how many locals this story could apply to,…(besides ny)

He said maybe china,.

Tada,…….my story for the day.




few pages in the works but i dont have the motivation to finish what i have started

¶ 2/09/2004 08:30:00 AM //

We were going to have a carboard box on the beach , and a bently,……

But we were only 14 or 15,……..

Later when I met Elizabeth,.she did not share the same fantasies that Jessica and I did (though we were never going to be more than friends, Jessica and myself)

I thought it a shame,…….

I had grand grand illusions of domestication with Elizabeth,…supriseing her with lunch at the parks by her office,… waking up in the mornings to see we had overslept,…

Laying by her isde evrynight,….breathing in her scent, having her small messes about the
place,…

but I no longer hold any hope for better days.




My signature has melted in to nothing,……

Used to have such a nice one, defined etc etc,…now it’s a scribble,…the bank never thinks I am who I say I am,.i got the postal lady to laugh,….she 1st think I just mad ea X , but then I since it was multiple parcels,…….well nope that’s how I sign,..

Just call me Dr.

Where as J,……well he has a very bold John Hancock,……

Maybe its just that when working I had to sign a million times consecutively,..and so I just laxed out,……

When in court a rep of the state had asked I do some paper work ,…..all I really had to do was sign my name,….. and so I did on all the paper work and I kid you nto she threw it back at me saying to sign my real name (state had a very hard case and counldnt convict, plus prosecution knew I had greased the wheels but couldn’t prove it) and then they looked at my id and went oh,……..so he does sign like that. No aploagize,….then they even went a step further, wrote the wrong case number on my folder and so I got raided by swat because they thought I was a Columbian drug runner who skiped bail!,.

I could not come up with this shit even if I tried,…

And so they called me something like Antonio Rodriguez (which I find to be a odd name)

And then I asked them if I looked like a Antonio Rodriguez,…..and the court in question (from which they said I skiped bail) was in the Bronx,……..fuck ive never even been to the Bronx, only past the Bronx,….. the court in question was in brooklyn,.

And whats worse is before they contacted me, they contacted my parents as though I was some child (im in my 20’s here) and my mother now constantly has a lingering notion im a columbian drug runner,…..im not even latin! ,…..the DA called my parents to aploagize and said it was enough ,.btu I trheatend a deformation of character suit,…

and they umm,…..well that was that I suppose.


A

I will not be seeing A again,…….so it seems,. Umm long story but ,…long story for another time,….she was a good natured person too,….waited for me to catch up,…..said she had a good time too and said shed call,…..but nope,…….not a call not a email noda.
But im not disappointed,…… I expected it,., a bit vain, but very sweet.

It would have been nice to go out with friend and not commute ½ a hour , but that’s what I get for living in the boonies,……great view,….nothing local…but oh how I loved the movie,……for this reason I may not forget her,…



Never loved me

Elizabeth,…. Its becoming more and more real I suppose,…..she never loved me,…you just don’t treat people you love like shit,……right? You don’t just leave them and not give a explanation or anything of the sort,… ….i love her so dearly,…hence the stop in the pursuit I ghave up a bit ago,….why track down someone who does not want to see you? Who never loved you? For all these reasons and more, im just going to go on, unknowning,… and in the dark,…

I mean,…here I am a year later unable to recover,.struggling just to figure out why im getting up in the morning,…. ,.finally doing so when I have to go to the bathroom,..

And she,…..wlel nto a weke later is off dating ,…..after a almost 4 year commitment,…it takes her not one week,…then again she was always strong,……such a stong person, so many great charatorisctis lie within her that I will never have,….i could never hope to even begin to comprehend that sort of strength,…..amazing.

She used to call me wonder boy,…

It was a obsure refernce,……..but when we 1st went out she tested me,…she wore a micro mini (that unfortuntly she never wore again) and she kept waiting for me to check her out but,……every time she would look over id be fixated on her eyes and nothing else,…….i was lost in them,…..so deep, vibrant, alive,…they were beuitful as was she,.

The refence being to a animated Hercules movie where a temptress tries to lure Hercules but he keeps thinking and doing the moral thing,……and she calls him wonderboy,…..hence the term applied,……

Off my high
Back where I started

If you cant tell im off the short lived 3 day high,….things just went wrong too wrong
Im not where I was and things have gotten back to normal if not worse,…..highs only accentuate the lows.

I go cold a lot more,…I mean I always used to go cold,..but now,.easily 4 to en times ,…in a hour I easily have these spells come over me,…..icant explain them,..but can say when I was with Elizabeth,…….i never had them,…maybe when a cell dies and the chain reaction? Dunno,…..

Fathe,./ dream,..3 shots to knee 3 to head but only q ,m.. dead . class , kids, as he PROCHED IT WAS ME,. ETC ETC ETC


Dreams,………..have lots but this one was jot worth

It was osme osret of hostage situation where I was the take,….and my parents where there, maybe few other people but cant recall,…and well the room kept changing,.one secand it would be a class room, then it would be their porch,……..in CT after it was converted in to a screen, before it was converted in to a glass rec room ,…….

And it danwe d after me I woke up ,……when I saw my father form affair getting up the stairs and opening the door hunched over in a daze,…it wasn’t him,…..it was me,…but iwas bigger (in the worng sort of way) ,..and then he was atop of me,…almost knealing,..so I took 3 shots to his knee cap,……he was ina daze,….and he didn’t get up but not quite down yet,….so I shot him 2 times in the neck prepairing to take 3,…but after 2 he sort of keeled over and I said that would teach him,….

And then 2 peaple in the family (Cant recall who) rushed to either side saying hes dying,.
And for some reason I said no hes not I justgave him flesh wounds (shot through the neck is nto a flesh wound) . and he died,.. they told me and I saif something like pfft hes not dead,……but he was,……..i thine woke myself up,….

The though does make me worry abit,…I should be acustum to death,…..i siwm in rivers of blood,….the stench of detah is that which permates so many fo my dreams becous ei have dleiverd it unto so many
, when you first kill someone,...there is no smell,..its clean, fresh ,..but when you go in to a room with say 10 or 15 dead bodies that have been there for a week or 2,...the stecnh is unforgetable,..i can not rid myself of it,....all the time it lingers around me, or os it owuld seem,. the stench of death with gun oil and smoke,...you would think the blast would help to inoize the air, but not so,....

but,. The thought of my father dying is a bti terrifying,..hes nto in the best shape and I do feel sorry for him,….

But he is not easly please and he makes it hard for you to like him ,.

Elizabeth handgun,………..please… kill me

I really am clueless about what I would do if I ever saw her again,..but I dreamed a snerio,……iwould take her by the arm,…drag her to my room,….get oout the dessert eagle (50 cal handgun) and hand it to her get on my knees and beg her to shoot me,.

She might as well,………..so much damage has already been done,….

To quote C+

“Love hurts too much to be so popular”

¶ 2/07/2004 10:22:00 AM //

Highlander,.

When M was in gutalmala, he told me they were really roughing it and when in one place in Belize they got to a place with cable and hot water, there they spent the entire day just laxing out, (they went ofr a week and each took only a fairly light backpack, which I find amazing as i take 2 bags to go a weekend in Connecticut) ,….so while there Highlander was on,…right you know the guy with the sword and mmm, I don’t really recall much (becousei never eatched it for more than a minute when iw as younger) but now M’s friend R watches it 2 times a day now,….oh funny funny funny, hes always a riot . but this almost got me to roll.

A,…and a seemingly series of concidences,.
She,.she hasa really romantic name but,….cant mention it,.person I met (not romantic)

The flukes that happen yesterday, that prevented me to go in to the city etc etc,.All the events of the day seemed to lead up to us meeting, it was all seemingly serindpadus (right. I know) example,……I check mail on the way out by fluke and,…well email form her, and so we decide mass transit (she evn lives close by which is unheard of) and decide to meet at the triangle on main,.(even NYC has a main st) and so so as I get to main I miss the 1st bus,.(DAM!) so I know im going to be layte but right then I see and hop on a express,….nwo not being able to see anything out the bus as they have the interior lights on (and its darkout)( I somehow make it out of the bus,…...at the right spot thinking im late, then I take out my phone to call her and as I pull it out its her calling me,.,…wow that was good timeing I think,…..and well I saw her before she saw me,…litterallyr ight in fornt of me too,. ,…I apolagized because I assumed I was going to be late (she only gave me 30 minutes notice and all,.spur of the moment thing) but she said she had just gotten there,…….adn she pointed to the bus I missed,…….and then she pointed to the bus behind it (mine) umm from that point the night was just,…meh exept,….

Oh and a note,….i must not look around enough when in the city subway but I swear every other girl is ATLEST a 8 if not a solid 9 cross the board,…..and they are all very mmm,…..well I started taking a tally in my head and not one had a single spot on their shoes,…..everyone had impeccably polished shoes,…..everyone,…..i felt sort of self concius in my timberland boots,….btu I have bad taste in shoes and bought them because they were steel toed and water resitant (nothing worse than wet feet in the winter)

We saw Lord Of The Ring s, the Return of The king it was,…..

Epic, beautiful, and sad

We were to see it imax, but the showtimes onthier site are all fucked up so instead it was in a digital cinema,. (it is the Lincoln sq. theater, so all top shelf through and through)

And iwas wowed the entire way through,…..it was so beautiful, oit was so epic, it was so wonderful,……amazing,…breathtaking,….it was epic,….and wither toklen was amaster tactition or,….. they had the best technical advisors through the entire movie,….quality never droped, and acting never did,.

And it was sad,..older family can probiblyr elate easier than say “new money”

The son who toriginaly the fav. Tries to apelase his father by marchingin to a unwinable battle, launches in to war, and the fact he will never make him happy,. And the father who is undeserved to rule,…..the dying elvishe princess (Elizabeth looks a lot like her,…
And well she is a princess in most respects) and the elvish king,…coming to the ranger he hates to save his daughter, (elizabeths father hates me and I could so relate) it really hti so many storngs,….all the liens were incredibly epic, everything so well done,…..amazing……I think it may have beated out magnolia for my all time fav,….then again I saw it in premieum seating etc, with good company (sort of)

My goobers went uneated I was so riveted, they literally melted in the box as I held them for the duration of thewm ovie,……..the end though,….there was much that could have been cut for theatrical release, and,..some seemd pointless,s but I look fwd to the extended edition as much went unexplained (ie, hwo the army of the dead (very epic) got the ships) ,……also that’s where some fails for me,.becouse now I think oif it they just swept the plains like a plague etc etc,….and what of the wizard?,…….extended edition I look fwd to thee,…

My major gripes about movies is,.pfft you cant do that going about it like that. But this movie,…..myg ot the tactics, the impending lurking doom, the sinking sensation,.the tactics! Amazinfg amzing amazing, they fought the war as the war is to be fought, the siege, the artilary, the long bow men, the infanty , the spear men all accurate, all incredible.

I can not say enough,.i was thoroughly wowed,……amazied…..i just wish I could have shared it with Elizabeth.

Sandwiches,…….

I,ma ddicted t th e heros from Il Cimeno (they have a different name now though)
Amazing,.and well I just ordes a 100usd worth of girnders of the week (disgusting I know but sooooooooo good)

Edwards and Clark

I would love ot see the Clark Edwards ticket,
Edwards just impresses me more and more and just makes me feel good and smile,.(almost swoon which is a bit creepy) and clark well, he stumbles a bit,…..but is such a impressive figure and a man of such upstanding chractor etc etc .

All it takes to fuck the world is one person, guy from Pakistan,

This dick has caused himself a potential for a world of hurt and he used pakaistani air force plans sold to Pakistan by the USA (Lockheed martin, …J hates working for the War Machine,. (article on the romance behind the novel ideas to come soon) and Rumsefeild praises Pakistan! This fucker cause N Korea to go bat shit! No Pakistan no bat shit,

Plus it should be mentioned, now they want money to stop development,….however
Clinton gave them money every year, billion hundreds a fo billions a year in aid to not come up with these wepons, and yet the continued to develop, and now, they have them and they want money again to stop,…in N korea they see it as a cold war where we have nukes pointed atthem and them at us,

FUCKIGN DICKS! What ignorant cunts, they couldn’t hit the US but we could blow them back in to the stonage (fwd in to?) I mean just the balls on these guys must be massive, massive massive balls, I would like to acuire such massive balls,…….balls!


Anyways this Pakistani scintist needs to made a example of,.

And yet the guy who cameup with the Indian nukes,..they made him prime minister (not president) ,… they love their evil scintist in that part of the worl d(not Elizabeth,…she s good good scintist with a heart 2nd to none,….and well,..i just wasn’t worthy of it)

New methods for posts,

I type a line in regard to what im thinking and hten when I have itme I come back to the doc and elaborate, hence the frenzy which is slightly more readably , yet equally as uncomprehensable,a n dim too lazy to post a seprate entryp for each,.though I should,

Afraid to not be hurt for fear she may return

You see,.the last 2 or 3 days I have felt geninly good,.the days go by with less pain, though it may just be myself growing acustum to the pain, I can not say,…btu for the 1st time in over a year I went out and almost enjoyed myself,.. I smiled,….for the 1st time in a year it was a genuine smile,…I can not explote enough how long it has been since the jabbing sensation has gone away,…….but when I saw LOTR and at the end,.aragon and umm, dam cant recall her name but when they locked eyes,… something inside me really died,.. because well I always used thata nology for me and Elizabeth,

Elizabeth is well,……tall beautiful, she evn knows a bit of elvish I think and she was faicnated with the books as a child, and wanted ot be a elf,..if it wasn’t for the halo of her head,..she is a 11,….brillant beautiful smart funny witty caring,..

And my self,…I supsoe o sort of look like Aragon , whilst together,. Long hair, beard,…
Dirty lonlier,…… a exiled king,…coming fomr a family with so much power, so much opulence so much in terms of honor interaty, tradition , principals and yet,. I was exiled,.
Aragon by choice but none the less,….. hier to so much but in exile, living alone, the black sheep,…and my lords refusing to acknolage my rightful place, what my family has done for them, and that they only exist because somewhere my predacessors saw it fit for them to live. ,…..and like the ranger,…..i do solo missions,….alone….not to be trusted when on call etc etc

And the elvish king,……elizabeths father, the great scintist,….who hated me with a passion,….who I saw from afar once who I so wanted ot win his aprovalship yet Elizabeth would nto have the 2 of us meet,..once I mentioned to her I wanted her ot meet my parents,…..maybe 3 years in to the relationship, which for me was a huge step as,..well im supsoe to be arranged,.. to a person with proper blood lines and family status etc etc,.. but as I was a black sheep anyways,……it wouldn’t matter,….but she thought I ment to meet her parents and she said her heart jumped for a bit, but I cant really say for sure as I cant exactly recall, but something to this effect.

I always ment to ask her parents persmission before marring her,.,.but this will never be.

I am afraid to stop hurting because it might imply I stoped loving her,..but I don’t. I love her more than lfie itself and on her wim I would ride to war, i would lay my life with out question, I would do what ever it took to make her smile, I would go through hell if it ment a hope for a glimpse of her elusive smile, that woke and shook my world when it made an aperance,..her laugh lifted my sprits like no drug could ever hope to…

To never be seen again is her smile

To never me heard again is her laugh

Never to be whole again is myself.


I listen to music before it makes me feel young,.
As of late ive been using the ipod, the uber headphones,….listening to music,.like idid when iwas 16,…it makes me feel like 16 someitmes,. for a moment ,.. now well,..

I don’t regonize the face I see looking back in the mirror anymore. ,….why am I always giving everyone the 1000 meter stare,. When did my eyes become lifeless,…how did I get these wrinkles (im in my early 20’s here) white hair? ,…wlel that’s been around since 17,…..

When will I see myself again?.... never …….i was only myself with Elizabeth, my eyes only vibed when iwas with her,……and when she left and tore out my heart unknowing,..the physical self went on,……but the person I seek in the mirror died along time ago,…….a year ago

I want to get back what used to be,….

¶ 2/05/2004 04:58:00 PM //

Google certintly hurts me much more so than it helps me,.

So I did this semi crazy thing and well I even did it a long time ago,….
The email when trying to find someone out is horrible,…you can find out so much,……so I sort of got set up ,.but it’s a platonic at most,….(in fact she doesn’t even play for the same team) and so I googled and ,…blog! With pictures! And all the dirty details,.so I have such a advantage and I already know virtually everything.and she well,.is clueless I suppose,.unless she scrutinizes her refers, but even mine shows up as conavoire,……it just never fails,…. So im thinking I should stop,.but I cant! (bit about craziness in a bit)

People like Elizabeth are not septible to this because she has a new address seemingly every other week, with unpredictable variations at time,……no edu addresses for this mastermind,…….

Speaking of edu,…I was at cuny today (M’s school) and I thought I was on fashion ave for a moment,……..everyone is modelesc,…. M told me something once how the population is 70 / 30 (women to men) and that X% play for the other team but x% are amazing,….i was thoroughly wowed,…and I thought T was a knock out,….

Now I say this form a unbais perspective, personally none of them really can ever hope to compete with Elizabeth ebcouse well,…….law school is not about how smart you are, its about how much time you put in.

My wrists are hurting as of late,.hence the dramtic drop in posts,…carpel tunnel,…….dunno doubt it, its on the labtop which provides adacuite support


Ilike being alone in the dark,…..i feel good,……everything,…..
This was tarted the other day but,…..oh it was such a good day,….such a good day the day I called for the Red Cross,…….so much went right , so little room for wrong all great,.

This I started 3 days ago,…

Yesterday was just such a good day,……im going for a walk,.

I went for a walk



Used to have such a unquenchable passion I used to be so passionate, such a romantic,…love was everything because it was all I had and all I wanted,…it was never ceasing never ending,.i was in love to the point of insanity, when iwas with her, it would be like we never left,…..no akward pauses,….no bulshit,..she would leap to my arms and throw her self around me and I her and we would meet somewhere in the middle in a mess of hair,… with her I never felt alone,…I never felt sad, I never felt needy or unwanted,.with her I used to say iw as finaly at home in her arms

Now Ill be amazed to be find tommarrow,….

This was 2 days ago I think

Yesterday such a good day,…….today I hope for the same and tommarrow I hope for better,…as it will cement all my plans,…for the week? pfft


The effort will be placed on living for me,…..she will nto be coming back and I canbreath, though not deep breaths,.


Yesterday was the 1st day ina while I felt really good,…..roomate put a bit of a damper on things but none the less,……..smile,…….i smiled,.to myself and in secret but nonethe less

Today again ,….

Oh my dear friend C major C+! she was a dear dear friend,.i can say I love this friend, (as a friend) she ,……shes like me but a lesbian,.(and she hates ment hius by defult me, but she assures me its not personal) we agree ot disagree, we argue and at the end of the day its ok,……she related to me and my passion for Elizabeth,.she had her own heartavhe which I feel bad about being not so sympathetic,.btu I was cocky ,.she would sya what if Elizabeth left and,.i said it was ai mposability,…..we were ment so one another we were soulmate,……and I so stroingly felt it,.still do,…..i owe her much,…. Shes such a good person reguardless of what she said,……

So I recalled a time she took me to a club in willamsburg and,…there was a balticish band I guess,….. yodeling,.yiddish? I don’t know but it was good,……and so I sen tout a becan to her, thinking she was in TX, but no.she sin PA and comes to NY every week! And she regrets being a bad friend (though shes not) and not getting in touch with anyone,…. Im just so histatic I can talk to her again because,…..well I was only myself with Elizabeth, but with C+ I was able to be silly as well, and go on rants , and have none of it be coherent and shed just go wha,.and never judgmental,…..this si what friends should be,…..





The red cross,…….
The “super healpful gal” called back and said the IT post was taken,.jsut yesterday, I regret not having gone earlier, she told me to try again as these things have high turn around rates,.,.i was a bit crushed,.but thankful that I did not get all dolled up to head out to the city,. And they said id be kept on file,……(yahoo?)

But as a result,.i went out,……paid the bills,…wen ton bit of a spree,..a olfsen soemthng stero for the kitchen because M got the ugliest boombox form the 80’s he uses and insits on keeping in the kitchen,…….

Got few movies too,
Lost In Translation (me and the guy next ot me wanted it, but I bought he only wanted ot rent)

28 days (umm have it on divx but it warrents to be seen on the theater)

12 monkies (uuu ahh ahh ahh ,……M wanted it)

also did the yuppi thing and got a crosant and frappie,.


I type better when im not looking it seems,.


Also I got a letter from A (whom the craziness is occurring with in the most platonic way possible) ,.and we are seeing LOTR on imax,…..i just hope it works out,…(its NOT romantic,…..just a effert to get ou t,…its been a year,…..since ive had any new friends, since ive gone out socially , since ive done naything,.ive benn in this house for a year,…

Im still decimated she left but,……I need to go on right?,….not really but im going to try to smile,.

Umm nypd,…….i made a shit load of head turn ist seems to the pint I had one van and 2 units stop infront of me and everyone look at me,……..umm long story for another time I guess,…..

¶ 2/04/2004 05:36:00 PM //

One last try,…

Alright so one thing lead me to another,.

1st on criags wanting to save the world,.i see NYC local govt is doing a homless survery,….like the Iraqi survey group but instead of seeking wmd’s that don’t exist we would take in to calculation the rough homless per area type thing with the umm yeah,. And its Feb. 23rd from 1030pm till 4 am,.im up for it,…..huah and all,….

Then I go to nyc.gov, and …..yeah its looking les sintising,.but I see uu red cross,…….
Go to red cross then I see uuuu tech analyst I can do that!,……so I call and talk to a super helpful gal (out of character but I want to sound uppity here) and she gave me her direct line if I needed anything and set up a appointment,

Yes now I can wear the columbianm druglord suit!

I know its not the same crowd but now I must,……must! Must look like death reincarnated as a Columbian druglord/al queda operative!,…..must!

I just hope I get it,.becouse they have a failry (sounds like) extensive process,

But its 25 hours a week in the city which will undoubtly be more like 40 (right, you deal with nyc transit and youll get the picture)

I hope i get it,……

Have you ever heard anyone hopeing to get a thankless job that pays nothing?

But it will equal out right?,…save the world by day,….commit evil unspeakable acts at night,…..it will be a ying yang upnto itself,…..

Elizabeth was the ying in my yang,..(corny I know but hear me out)
Id o the evil things I do, (only to turn to jelly when I see her) and meanwhile she saves the world through her recarch,……..and so even though what I do may cost the lives of dozens if not hundreds,.i did it to support her,…..and she will sve the world,. Yes she will. Already addressing congresses at 20 (shes older now) ,….ohyes that’s my geinuies girl (not mine any more) she is a true life bond girl,……and well,……no im not bond,…….im dr. evil,..

We were going to have a dog,.name him Ucilipius,….i got her a stuffed one in the mean time,……..i hope she still sleeps with it.

Shit was to say somethihng but my brain is on strike,……..again,…

Err iwas a boyscout?,…..maybe that’s why? I don’t know,…..cant recall,.shit,….

Well yes I was acub scout then a boy scout and well,…..it did more harm than good,.hence I am the evil boyscout,…..

Oh and dues,…..when iwas a kid I thought they were like 10 bucks so I would giuve 10 every meeting,….and then a year late ri found out it was only a buck,….and all this time iwas giving 10 folds my share out fo my allowance,.(it was the 80’s so it wa sonly 100usd a week, which I supsoe is passable for 9 years old.)


Pfft maybe ill recall later but,.i really hope I get it,


Maybe it will help me aprecheate being home more,…..afterall , im learning more and more mostpeaple in NY live in over priced shit holes with ok furnature,….

But then again you live in ny for the life, not the home life..

¶ 2/02/2004 04:31:00 PM //

Why don’t my roommates listen……..neghbhors, cars , so on and so forth

I wake up behind 2 inch thick windows coverd with kevlar sheets and yet I can still hear the redneck neghhors across the street arguing,…….do they have pa mics? Maybe its just my hearing,……..

And so I lecture my roommates on the etiquite of nyc parking , yet the don’t listen,.they play the “well do as we like till R mentions it to us, then, after a week well resume again form point A” FUCKERS! You god dam pices of shit listen to me! Every one here breaths air form the likes of which civillans don’t get,…..just shut up and park your fucking saab in the driveway,…yet dr. S argues the saab is bigger than M’s banna boat (olds) ,…..and after seeing the specs online he still refutes it,.but hes now learned it’s a luxery car so he sings its prasis (yet oldly enough he never drives,…..and to back up my point, the snow on the ground for the past week still covers his car,…..ahem,….


So this post will just be the shallow ,……as ive got a running start,…


“The core”

DO NOT watch this movie if you are a sucker for accuracy,……..
I was horrified by the inaccuracies,.i mean just the simple shit,….

How they had the UN, in belize,……there is nothing in belize exept banks you iuse to launder money ! god dam it how wrong is that! And how for going to Moscow they didn’t go over the poles,……etc etc,….and they said it was ot be technically accurate,……. LIARS! You theiveing bas…oh wait I watched a bootleg.

A ever far off hope for a good tever incompasing technical advisor AND a good movie,…I can hope


Best Ac in the world,…. (though nto biggest)

I got a new air conditioning unit,……yes it’s the dead of winter, but such a good deal could nto be passed up by anyone,…this one has a thermostat on the remote and everything.,…..even cooks breakfast!

And well the girl was ever cute but,.. well she was bit of a super ditz,.and she wanted to take a tour of the house etc etc but her boyfriend was getting antsy and their dirver was waiting. …

Oh speaking of which,.you’ve all seen the sopranos (really like tony) if you can recall the side of his house,.he has like a dozen 30,000 btu ac’s,……really makes me wonder how big the place is,……because it is all on location and what have you ,..even my parents place doesn’t have a dozen,. (I think its 10,000 per 1000 sq feet)

Super bowl,…………

So I watched the game on the worlds biggest tv, and beign form CT im legally obligated to root for the patriots,…….(says so on my birth certifercate, and before being adited to yale univ. my parents had to sighn that after I iwas born I would be a regesterd pats fan)

I don’t really follow, but the playoffs,…….dam it was a really good game,……commercials though were a bit meh,…though the ford gt40 commercial almost got me to get up and buy one on the spot, made me want to stop watching and go raceing

It was a really good game,…

I orderd a few heros form the guy up the street,….and wow,…its such a incredible deal and in addition,….no man alive could ever hope to finish one,.just massive massive sandwhiches,…I mad eit through half and then I called it quits,..


Yes I do have a iq of 167 reguardless of grammer abilities

Follwing exerpt typed when I completed the task :

“I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t thinlk pad wire , I missed my calling as a surgen,.i should hav e been asleep bt now I feel too good to sleep, dam I was good,…lots of pics ,but none for you because they are all just way too boring ones of surgery under a lens w/ lots of precision surgical tools,…………….hands of a surgin, “

alright what happen was the cord on the labtop went poof,……it shorted to the point that the wire fried and idsintagrated at a crucial place,……

and so i took my surgivcal tools that I would say remove a bullet with and I made a insicsion across the adapter and injected a metal compound in to (not soder) and then did the same form at top,.im talking pricion here, micro tools and drill bils ,…the work surface maybe as big as ¼ of a nail head,.

I later took the wires and ever so carfully past the magntic interferace thing a majig made a incision and striped back the cables,..i later wraped the adapter in foil and heated up the liquid metal portion and injected the wired,……after all this I lacked heats hrink so I took a suringe and cut it up, being a insulin 100 typye surgin I used the plastics and melted them down as to form a bond around the new wire plasments, this also acted as a electric insulation, later electric tape and,……holy shit am I impressed with myself,.nto bad for coming up with it on the fly, and at 4 ish in the mornig when I was dead tired and ready to hit the sack,……….lots of pics but all very boring,…..

¶ 2/02/2004 04:06:00 PM //

If I were to not wake up, ntohing would bee a miss,
Nothing out of its place,

Abandoned by family when I was young and impressionable, yet I never abandoned anyone, onmly to be the abandoned, and not the abandoner,

Then Elizabeth did the same

I have buried most of my freinds and the rest went insane, or moved far away

I have buried a lot of my co worked form the old “company”

If I were to wake up form a night of sleep, .i have to look fwd to material possessions,

And if i do not wake,……..there is no speakable loss,…..

The world may in fact be a better place , because if Elizabeth were to step fwd
She could claim a massive massive trust fund that would enable her to never worry about research $ again, and she could in fact buy the best fo everything and in fact cure god knows how many diseases,….. so by me not waking up, by me dieing , or being killed in my sleep,…..you will have the cure for cancer and more, if not better,……

It goes almost without saying that less blood to will be spilled.

So what is there to gain by having me wake up?

¶ 2/02/2004 04:03:00 PM //