Here the first draft of a little something ive been cooking up, its a handy dandy do all ,be all gadget that will wow them all.



you know , for kids!

¶ 1/31/2004 06:25:00 AM //

Trying not to buy in to the blogging genre,..

I admit it,…I dotn write as much as I used, or as passinatly as I used to because the passion left me , (Elizabeth) and I write about shallow petty items,….polotics, the economy, style, cookies, vanity, but then again I have justified doing so in the apst as these are items that would normally be told to Elziabeth, as I would share evrythign with her,.

Ie

Me- “today I cleaned”
Her- “uuuuuuuuuuuuuu”

You see! She would uu everything, and it was such a uuu that would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and your knees go to jelly


But latly,.its all I talk about , and I find myself going other blogs, reading, responding, becoming active ,.im violating a few principels I established , or implied once upon a itme at the beinging,….(well sometime therebouts,..its 100 or so pages in )



Temptations to reasimilate myself in to soscity

The volunteering, well its a exuce to get in the city every day, leave the place everyday, a exuse to feel good a exuse to work, and so forth,….

Somewhere im trying to fool myself, thinking ill get the NY hipster life,…. But everyone hates hipsters,………escpeically hipsters,….

Im trying to fool myself that it will help the pain go away and I will be whole again,…….but this hole is one only she can fill, but,………even if she came back,.i dotn even know if I would take her back, she put me though so much without even knowing it.

Its like fighting a war against undefeatable odds and seeing the end,…seeing the last victim at 100 meters off,…taking out your main wepon,..but no bullets, taking out your side arm,.no bullets (do you hate when this happens?) and your running twds him and he twds you with blades in hand,……..and you get a radio intercept in your ear that,….it was a lost cause,…the reasons you went to war fabricated and that in facvt nothing to be gained by going through with it,………do you kill the last man standing?

Im not trying to spoof iraq 2.0 here (umm is that the official name? I mean its bush 41 , and king george the 2nd)

Bt adandoning me at my weakest,…..that was the war,.what ive been going through the agony , the hardship, the physical toll it has taken on me, the mental and empotinal toll,

And as with all wars you develops habbits,…like the crazy kdis form Vietnam,…..mines being im now cold impersonable and just don’t try,..

And the battle sinbetween,……going to so many funerals alone,…seeing so many friends die over the course of the last year and not having a shoulder to cry on,.haveing to stand on my own power and having to be ever vigilant,…. Sleep with a eye open as opeosed to in her warm arms, to dream wonderful dreams, to be greeted in the morning by her warm smile,…. She is the apitamy of perfection (ive checked and rechecked with Webster, and britanica about this)

Even if she did come back,……it would be like letting the last man live,…..

Maybe its the jaded me but,…..i kill the last man standing,.. that’s what I say now…

By just abandoning me at my weakest,…she has done more damage than I can express.

And it helps to galvanize myself,……

So I can do what needs to be done on the job, so I can do what I have to do, take jobs I have to take and become cold and uncaring,…because its hard to pick off a target and watch carnage insue when you care.

Though I do not need to work,…..i do because,……..what else am I going to do,.play video games all day?,…. It keeps my tied in to the international underworld persay,.

Money is not a issue,…..it will never be unless maybe I develop a major major gambling problem,……but I already play Russian rollete sometimes at night,…5 bullets in 6 chambers,….it helps these nerves turn to steel

Example being for the last week, no jobs,….

Literally all I do,……I wake up at 6 in the pm ,….eat breakfast even though it makes me vomit,…(eating in the middle eats though will help you get a stomach of leather)
I shower,….i hit the tivo and get my massive amounts of daily info for 2-3 hours of news and political analysis,…. (why does liberman and kuchinich try?)

Put on my vest and grab a piece of hardware and head out to check the drop location for jobs,... maybe get a glass of something to drink whilist out,

Come back home,…lay in bed for a hour or 2 under the warm blankets,….

Come back down open the labtop,…killing time being the primary objective,.

Siting in the dark for a few hours,… getting a bit to eat,.return to the dark corner,….

When the am rolls around,…..get all the papers,….(before day break)

Read all the papers,…….then work out ill im tired,…if im sweaty I shower,…

If nto I just sleep,.but even sleep is a frantic effert on my part, I get only half an hour at a itme, I sleep withone eye open, ihave always be aware, always, I can never slack,….


And well,……doing all this,…it also helps me to avoid the roommates,……

Why do I even have roommates?,…..becouse having a big house ot yourself can make you wonder even more,……I bought this house,…thinking family,……the house in Greenwich,…….well that ibought for social status and power,.or illusion of,…..like a lodge in aspen,… but the place in NY,.the one I stay in.,plenty of bedrooms,.nice for a small family,…..nice starter home (well,…starter homes are not nearly this ostentatious)

I thought it be nice place to share with Elizabeth,… thatw hat I told myself when I bought it,…….placein NY w/ a multiple unit garage, statigicaly located, ..histrical area,.. zero crime (kid you not) I would day dream about us growing old here, even though I knew it wouldneevr happen,……I would fantasize about the small bedroom being a nursery, and
Us having a nice merc,….and a big h1, …plates something like wify and rickito,…..or Lizzy and Rickito,…. And she would get the h1 (she later decided on a h2) and I would get the s600, but, that everyday id get up early and swipe her keys,…and at work everyone would laugh , and id come up with a store how the merc broek down and my wife let me borrow her car,… and how id surprise her at the lab with lunch during the day,…get her flowers ever day,…..then when she told me to conserve only once a week,…but often,…..goign out to the lake nearby )yes NYC has plenty of lakes)

And so on,..




Oh and where do these volunteer orginzatiosn get off by blowing me off,…..

Come form a very established line that has done a lot for the charitable organizations, and I myself have done a lot , in terms of sizable donations and experience in international on the international and local level

Its either jeluesy that I seem to not work
Or that ive been black listed,……..i probably had a target one day that was a somebody and,……..etc etc,.b


Some days,…I have the sensation to scream and run a much and lsoe it,……but I never do,……like I want to go upstairs take a heavy piece machinery and just kill indiscrimintly and scream, just yell loud,……for no reason,. Smashing things as I go along,……AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

But I never will,….im too self ocnsiuse about what the neghbhors will think even though im already the freak on the street.

My face seems to be falling apart,…..in the baltics I have gotten shot in the face and
I was lucky because I pulled back and on lost a corner of my brow,..(don’t really need to mention what happen to the person who did this) and so I has cosmetic recronstructive surgery,….nto to look ebtetr but just as I was,….i mean,…technically my skull shatterd,.

So they fixed it ands it looked good and I had to have a eye brow implant (weird shit)
And it looked as good as old, like I did before,……

But now its just flaking and it seem slike my eye brow is falling out,…it has alest shifted,.. maybe its nothing,.mayeb it’s the super dry air that’s just causeing it to flake,.

My sholder is doing better though,…I think it has a 20 year warenty against manafactuer defects (funny story)


When do you watch too much piltical analysis?

When you start dreaming about it,….

What happen to my normal epic dreams with rivers of blood? Now its libermen Arnold and clark (have to say if iwas gay,……clark would get the vote on looks alone,….

You,……yes you ,….vote for Clark (im saying this because I think hes the best man for the job not because hes a good looking guy)


I don’t think I mentioned this but the other day I orderd Mexican,….and I couldn’t decided what iwanted to drink,…so I orderd one of everything,……it literally took my more tiem to explain everything than it would have taken for the person in the other end to name off all the driunks /flavors they had,…….

And I discovers banana flavors Snapple,…………good shit, too bad im on water now,….ugh

¶ 1/31/2004 03:47:00 AM //

I don’t know how these start or how they end, I porobibly had dreams after them and before them that may get triigerd in to conciusness later as is the norm it seems,…..but the 1st one,…….

We are next to sa stream,.defending form something and we have to pull back,….and along this stream and we see a house or a small one, .and we are going to make campo btu im not sure,…also it seems like there are many btu I only see myself,……

Some little kid in the window sees me and says he knws the way ,.i am goignt o take him form the window and he says use the door,.he has these dogs that look fierce,..but I open the door anyways,…..one goes running out, the other one has almost a demonic face but I go in anyways,.i pick him up and ask ifhe will show me the way, and I looka round and ownder where the dogs are,……..not sure what happens or what wasexchanged, but it was something like,move aloen this river bead to the base,…….so I go in the shack for osme reason and there is soemthin g I need in a small box, I never see the box, I just know im struggling with it,…..then these 2 ladies walk by outside,.and its as though I now im supsoe tobe quiet so I hush up and wait for them to pass,….i think we were trying to avoid them so I now when I move out I will have to shadow them, but not pass them.then there is a large banging at the door,.its a mubled voice, cant make it out but it’s the captuers,…..they are going to tear down the house, ,.i move to baracade the door and blur,…

Ocne again not the typical drea,m,….the next one,…….well it made me homesick for elizabeths arms again,……

It was a dream that was like looking at a series of photos and movies,………

Elizabeth was at a makeup table in a bedroom getting ready an di was to the side looking at her refelction inth emirror,……..we were both very happy,…….her clothers would change as though the slides would,..at one point we wer ein a hallways, and she was in a wedding dress,………and later wedding night lindgere,….. I hugged her and she hugged back,…….never was I the 1st person though,…..always 3rd person as though I was looking at old photos of us,…..

Lateer I was at some sort of military test facility ,.and I run in to this guy I used to know,…Jeff Bars? Not sure, but I think we went to high school together,…

We meet up to shoot some pool and,…I guess we do, I have my own cue, and I grab a loaner , as I figure M (in CT M runs the hall we frequented when I was just out of high school) wlould make me a copy on the lathe, so I stick it inmy bag so they are sticking out,.so I will remember and nto just walk off with them,……..

Later Jeff turns in to john I supsoe,…nto really sure when, or if ever,…..

So the tab is 30usd ad there are 3 of us, but M owes John 25usd, (math problem) so that’s his porton, I pay 10usd and tip 4usd, and he looks at me like im under tipping,…..

Jphn asks about the cue and is ay that im nto taking it,.ont he way out I take it out an dplace it back,….bti too nervues to ask, and also,…ive already got a top of the line cue.

The entire night im talking about Elizabeth and well, this dog it seems, oen of the 2 that escaped form the first dream,……it attacks,……and ive got it by the mug and im laughing ,.fucking with it,.thinking its playing but its not,…….so I call for help and nothing,……..we are on a series of elaborate decks too,.maybe this is where we were heading form the 1st dream,…….finally after a good few moments I lung the dog off the side,……….then I walk down and hear crying form the woods to the left and in a small waiting ares the person im with point,……and I feel bad about killing the dog, but they say the owner knows I did what I had to do,……..

Then the dreams goes to a flashing of wedding photos again,….photos of me and Elizabeth hugging,…….none kissing,… just us beign sweet I suppose,…….nto black and white, but nto full blown sephina either,……

It realy got to me the last one,.nto becous eof the dog but Elizabeth,………

One day she was saying it wouldn’t work,……and I asked her what she wanted,……and sher eplied with the lizies esce reply of what ever I wanted,…..and I told her I wanted ot marry her and grow old with her,….. it kept her for I don’t know,….

Elizabeth I do not dream about,…..

The dream showed me what could have happened, and what will be no more,…..and what will nto happen,…

Becous eim afraid reality is I will NEVER see her again,she well never speak to me again, I willnever hear her again, etc etc,..

She hates me,……and for what I do nto know…



On a side note,….ive just about reached my earthlink bandwidth limit with a day to go (the luck),. It comes as bit of a shock as the limit is around 1024 gigs a month. And I hardly have many hits,….. that’s I belive 20,000 hits a month, which im pretty sure I don’t get. (otherwise id get ads)



You are a classic; the quintessential New Yorker.
You are cultured and love to travel, though you
wouldn't move from New York in a million years.
Which New York City subway line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

¶ 1/30/2004 06:42:00 PM //

Hmm blogger changed,........again, now its like old blogger,.......meh

anyways so i applied to volonteer (yes they are evn picky about over qualified peaple workign for free) for a non profit artsy type group , becouse all the salvation army and red cross want form me is bloody money (well it is , isnt it?)
and they get a nice size check every time,.....

so i really think im going to get a call back, so i choice out the wardribe, and i see the pitch black columbian drugster getup,.......i try it on for shits and gigles, and well,.aperently my biceps are too big for it and i rip a 500usd armani french cuff shirt,.......it was my only black one too,......so i take it as a sighn and opt for a black and tan 3 piece, ...

try it on and ,...dam i look good in it,..............so thats why those models during fashion week gave me thier numbers,.

but it dawns on me im not wearing the kevlar vest under it all, and wow,.ive got a gut now,..... so ill go with a 2 piece if i get a call back and a white french cuff, and a new eason to work off the gut,....

its probibly just the masive abouts of milk and juice thats the cause,.....

i used to drinkw ater and i hate water,.......and then one glass of milk leads to 4 ,...and so forth,......

so 12 glasses of water a day in cunjunction with what im alreayd doing and it should be gone,.......




well if i get the call back,.ill do my part,.if not,.its a sighn ,


if youve noticed ive stoped talking about Elizabeth, im goign to really try to make a effort to stop,.....

its been a year,........they say 2 years for the scars to stop bleeding,

ive always tried to be an overachiver

¶ 1/30/2004 03:58:00 AM //

So in a month I went up like 20lbs,……still working out and such but argh,….
How? It didn’t phase me till I saw myself (mirror) ,….face seems fuller, not as cut,……

Since I lost her, I have gained,

But I have also discovered a weakness (don’t tell Lex)





YES in addition to the worlds biggest TV I have the worlds biggest cookies,.!

Milk too, I always dirnk milk but,…..its at a gallon a day now,..

Bit disturbing,…..it snot like im obese, but it seems im on my way ,…..its all absent minded as well,…..well , I guess ill go back to water but its just so,…..ugh,.

Right,……






oh and i figured out lighting really helps the camera,........bad lgihting =slow shutter speed,= blurry images w/o tripod

lots of light=fast shutter speed= stunning photots

so maybe more photos now,.....

also took a few stunnign b/w photos but they will nevr make it here becouse they like verything else are all too incriminating,......

¶ 1/29/2004 04:21:00 AM //

The man in the castle called

He doesn’t seem to trust weather men,.or want a indepth on the ground analasis from his men,…….. not sure

But we got a few inches,…he lives in well,..its very scenic,.really uppity exclusive area, and he has the place up high on the corner,.,as always, you would think they bought there homes in keeping with a good perimeter defence as opposed to asthetics,.

But its nice to hear form him,.escpeically when they dotn need naything,….we joke,.or itry to joke,…..half the conversation seems to be him say “what?”

But its important the character you show to your parents, you have to make them think your exceeding them,…….though like is aid by my age my father was already the tycoon w/ his fleet of cars and married,….

We still have the helicopter,…its knd of funny gogin to the warehouse,..

There is a tracter,.a combiner ,….a bently,…..a lot of corvetters,…..jessies old vw,…..a caprice,….few suberbans,.a bently,…2 royce’s,….the old bell helicopter,

One day we wont be such ratpacks,.

Oh funny shit,. I mentioned this before but you cant scroll,…

At my uncles wedding we had lots of reservations for the helipads,…and this one guy was coming and he reserved 4 pads,.i was thinking pfft who needs 4 pads,…..is he coming in a big soviet job/?,.and as I say this I look out and see a cobra attack copter on the horizon,……. The guards ruch over to the turrents to be safe,……but no hes the guy with the 4 copters,..who needs 4 copters? Even bush (Clinton at the time) only takes one big one,…

He had 2 cobra escorts, 1 huey chuck full of grunts with ugly faces and big ugly machine guns, and we was in a pretty posh jetranger twin engine,……I think it was one of those Kuwaiti models with solid gold wheels and what have you .

Umm he was an arms dealer ok ,.so maybe he needed 4 copters



Star wars ,e vil empire, muahahhahahhahahha ,…. Ha,…..hmmm,……..oh hahahahahhaha

Hand wiritng changds again,…..dont reallhy know how this happens but today I looked at it,.hmm, then I brought up a ntoe I had written a few months ago and hmmm,
Its totally different, it went from half as script to full script to now block letter,s…….well block letters is always preferd,……….my bank already asks me for 2 forms of id every time, now they are really going to hate me,

My signature never looks the same,….

Maybe it’s a metaphor, maybe I amnto who I use to be, maybe I lack the romance that script has, hence the block letters, maybe im not sure of myself or who I am, what I do, and so I cant have a signature and stay with it,…….dr’s have more ligible handwriting,……

Then again maybe im just sloppy/.


I put my money where my mouth is,….iwant clark to win,……your vote doesn’t count as a individual but as a whoel it does, in a movment it does,……you need $ for a movment,……so I cut clark 10 1000USD checks in hopes hell win (10,000 USD total)

Now if he fails ill be a bit disappointed,…….but he seems like he can stand for what he believes in,…man of character princapl, also his ideas, though not ground breaking are great,

Him and Edwards,….holy shit,…….dream ticket,…..id give a 100,000 USD for that campaign,…….get a few photos of course,…..maybe a invite here and there,…

Polotics 101 from the family hand book, give a lot, give often, you never know when your going to need a contract or a pardon.

102. always give to the top, you don’t want to have to bribe every one and their mother

million such rules, and guides

after all, we do profit off the American war machine,

war machine,

sounds epic,.

A machine that creates death, that spills blood crunches bones,

Its why we are the superpower,…

You can hate it, but lets face facts, ……what side of the gun would you rather be on?

But Clark is right in bush’s flagrant misuse of the military tarnishing our reputation for being unstoppable,…

We are showing the world that iraq in fact is unloseable, however we don’t want to give off the impression its unwinable.


Im upstairs, playing around,.big house,.i maye young, and this person asks me to do a favor, I say do it yourself,.he says come here,.on and on it goes, finally he sas get em a dirnk,..why am I getting hima drink I don’t know,……..so I leave,….out the door and
Its like im a adult,.(i am,.right? 22? ) and I only have on a shirt and tie and slacks,.no coat or vest, maybe im onlya teenager,.but im walking and there are thousands of people in a very lavish house that I guess Ibelogns to a close relation ebcouse people act as though its my place,…..i cant regonize very many people though,.hundreds of kids though,…….and I walk up the stairs and I really have to navigate my way, it’s a really broad stair case,…maybe 15 feet wide, and paple are just packed everywhere,…

Wait,……so I steps out of the room upstairs and then had to walk up 3 stories to the kitchen/.gally? maybe its a boat, because it is all open spaces,…..

And a si am iam im dsayign the ocasnial high, and then someone pounces on my back, but I have my balance,.and I say something like N uncle,.and he says yeah,…….but it wasn’t him, it was his brother,…..whose name I cant recall very well. . then there is A uncle,. , and then I get pressed up against the counter and taken around and met with a really virm handshake,…..very firm,……its my grandfather,.mother side,…….ive never dreamt about him, but always admired,… my grandfather on my mother side was 100% jutt, lots of land, big guy, maybe 6 ft 9 and built like a wall, , that’s when he was in his 60’s, ….thought he would have hit 100,….aperently not. Sad,……..but I visit my grandmother,…….shes the one of a the few decent people I know,.

Anyways, he gives me like a nod of aproival and asks how am I,.and I say fine,.soemthign I would have said if I was like 15. I don’t think he liked all the girls, I call then the british invasion (even though only 2 are brits) they are all girls though, which is bad because then R carries on the famiy name ont hat side, and R is a colusal fuck up the likes of which goes unmatched,……7 kids, and only 1 boy,…..for that side of the family sounds right,…….after all my mother,……well she has I think 5 or 6 sisters and 2 brothers,…..and well,.all the sisters up till 1996 had all boys,…..then the invasion,
1 had 2 girls,.and the son had 2 girls,…….and there died the family name for R is a closal fuckup

anyways, so I went back to the room, andi think iwas a kdi again Iand is aid heres your dirnk and iwent to my spot laying on the bed,………

mean time I woke up (or did i) to a banging on the window,.and I couldn’t tell if it was justa animal or a person,.so I was fighting my sleepiness to find out and,. It was G ,…..
I asked him what he was doing andi pulled him in, he said he was going downstaisl but I said no, I wraped him in blankets and said im getting hims oemthign warm to dirnk, meanwhile im struggleing with staying awka,e but I go to investigate how he got up, and why and if he brought company which needed to be delt with,….but this house although lay out is the same, its osmewher ein south America, diffrnt stype, very .well lots of windows,.and I see a row of open skylights leading to the roof but these are ones he should not have had access to, mind you sits now warm and sunny,…

Now I fallaslepp by a window and try to wake my self up because I hear tappign at the window (2nd floor) and its like my head is fighting to move but I cant,……oh wait no,.it hink im back in the room,…….a t the party,……..and I layed down but in twitching as im tring to sleep,……people are thinking im really fcuked up,………

And then the sleep pearlayisi hits,……….im awake,……but I cant move cant open my eyes, and im really fighting, it hink im having a sezuire ,……..but im not, I cant move im really fighting,…….its a misfire occurring in the brain,……finaly im up,…….and well voila iwrite it down,………this one expecia;lly because it involves the sleep poralaysis.



Saveing is umm,.weird,….. want the new Maybach,. Hwoever today iwas tempoted went online and,…..thought id spend a few K on usless crap,….and I couldn’t think of naythign I wanted or needed,……its been hard but,…on the plus I supsoe I have a lot of the things I want,…maybe a new p4 extreme series, but I dunno.

Maybe a treadmill but,……event hat is sort of ify what I want is to increame my speed when carring heavy gear,…..

Right now im pretty fast, but with 250lb’s of gear, im only half as fast,…..and so id really like to increace my speed with gear,…….also icant exactly take weights and go out to the park and run with them because it would attract a bit of attention (my enemy) so with a treadmill, a heavy duty one, I could keep it in the gym and run with the weights that way,….ultimitly this would help me on the job and possibly increase my performance and thus enableing me to get more jobs,…maybe in South America


Another item I was thinking about is on ebay the govt. of brazil is selling a aircraft carrier (im so not kidding) its going for 7 M usd,….and im really sort of considering calling my broker,……but its aperently in ok condition ,…… but it’s a aircraft carrier! These things go for billions,….and 7 M is a steal be it demilitarized,……..

but if I do ,.well I still have the goal of leaveing 25M USD in Elizabeth’s trust fund, so I cant rob the fund.

Right so umm, nothing besides a aircraft carrior

Cheers,….why does everyone think they are british?

Actually iwa sjust going through my drawer, looking franticly for the cable to hook my camera up to my pc,…..(sick of doing manual rotates on 2 meg pics,. So I have to use the camera software,.camera has a inner ear and it allows it to imprint which way is up,a nd thus using the photos software,……..voila,) and I found my old diplomat pen,……
As of late ive only been using mont blancs w/ 1mm tips, very smooth but I missed the diplomat pens,..

Not very expensive, only maybe 100usd or 200 usd a pop,….but well, its like your first car is a good fountain pen


Sitebuilder is super fast in ie,………dam we live in a ie world,….but mozzilla is soooooo much better,.tabbed browsing! Yes tabs!



Mars! I keep forgetting,.


When palning an invasion , 1st thing you do is recon,
Not cut communications like everyone thinks,.thats when the invasion begins,..

What if there is life on mars,…..weve sent enough recon drones,…….
What if they launch preemptive,……….silly I know,.

But hey im all for sending bush to mars


Jon stwart thinks bush want sot send sadam,.”after all he doesn’t want him to sit there all day watching tv”


Sent my mother a cookie,……3rd day in a row,…..really worried,.they never call,
And now its call every day,…….maybe they want to start using their minutes? They want grand kids,…..…

Well in may J movies to the west coast, he wont be in the family operations unless he opens up ,new facilities, or overseas exiting ones, but we have a fairly good infastructe for a private company,…..i say we as though im aprt of it,…..

Im not,……nor will I ever be,….im the black sheep,……baaaaaaa

Stalin was not as strict as my parents,.i got kicked out at 16 becouse I stayed out too late,….. one time,…….becouse my car broke down,…..thats all it took.

Oh the compassion they could have learned from Stalin.

¶ 1/29/2004 04:13:00 AM //

¶ 1/28/2004 04:44:00 AM //

How people manage daily photo blogs is really impressive w/o use of automated software,…. Well for those that use blogger anyways (to u[plaod on a seprate server, then the html etc etc)

I must say though for the most part, they are far more creative than me seemingly without trying, also these pepale are breaver than me in a social sence,.i don’t want to walk around looking like a tourist,…..taking photos,. In public of nothing in particular,…

Don’t want ot look like a poser, thius im a reclusive photgrapgher at best

This person

here

does amazing black and white photos, though his site was down last I checked,.mayeb a update? Dunno

But it inspired me to take a few I mentioned before,…..here are 2 that failed miserably,
Thus ive given up on black and white,.






This is the beast, The guts have since been heavly modded, and look really great in b/w
However,..i need to see yours before I show you mine





I have really nice bw nypd ones, but they are possibly incriminating (you know the rant on legal representation)

Macros

I love doing macros, they just come out so great, but the flash is a real problem, and you have to be absalutly still,

This is the think pad, btu it didn’t come out quit right,.but since the beast got his in ,…here the thinkpad,…..and the vaipo,…well it sits there,…umm any one want a really,…no its my past in there ,…..





oh wifi,.how I love you ,……how easy you make my life, how conveint, oh yes and your encryption is just so,…….amazing,…..i love,…..yes I do,….(right its not talking ack I know but I need something to love)





umm candle I guess, but I cant find my lighter for the life of ne, needed it to sanitize needeles one night,…. Thank god I don’t smoke, oh and the 35mm point and shooti stole form my parents when iwas 14?,…..still feel bad about it, but I used to think it was soooooo cool, auto zoom, uuuuuuuuu now it just sounds weird old and clunky,.

Don’t revist your past unless you have to , it only leads to disappointment.!





right so if I have a neoplitan slice for breakfast what do I have for dinner? Siccillian,

such a cliché am I,…..









Cord on labtop my thinkpad broke,…it sparks now so I may lose a shit laod of info at once

And for all you kiddies w/ IE , pending the end of the democratic primaries you will all be in, aperntly my suppor clark 04 thing is causing the sidebar to be knocked down to the bottom



Dam, now I have to shovel,……this was taking maybe 6 hours ago (430 am now)
Im sure its much worse,…but I need ot finish before 530 I guess,.
Comeon the sky is never black! Always purple or this shade of pink,.cant be healthy for me to go out there!,…….yes it is,…….im going,.

When iwas a kid (stop reading now) we looked fwd to snow because we shoveld driveways for 3 uds 3usd! And now kids want 40usd even if they ask, btu they don’t because they are too inlove with there games,…….

And in the summers we would collect cans and turn them in for 5 cents,.always the entrpenuers, btu me and my brother didsnt subscribe to the thery that we should ask for our parents for cash to buy hem gifts (mothers day fathers day etc)

So we would work hard during the year after school etc and well, they would get nice gifts, mother hated it , father thought it was great,…..ummm, but we still had the same bad taste all kids did….

¶ 1/28/2004 04:07:00 AM //

hugh massive article im doing for the american war machine,.....its been done to hell and back but,

my opinons on the nh primary are those of any politico follower,

not a democrat,

not a republican

im amazied with all the shit ive been indited for i can still vote,.


yes money can buy you freedom,.dont belive me?

ask the law firm that represnts me who paid for thier new gulfstream g550

¶ 1/28/2004 03:49:00 AM //

I dream in color,

Right so I dream a lot ,..ecpecially with this blanket,??

Cold air, warm body,?.who doesn?t like this?

SO the last dream was almost animated,.which is werid because besides the simpsons,?..cartoons arento my thing,?well when I was with Elizabeth there was pinky and the brain , and she sent me on the nostalga binge, (transformers, etc) but that was years ago,?.

We were,.humans I guess,?.and the primitive idiots,.on a big pice of wood being dragged by a horse,.but we had knights performing escort duty around us,.it was as htough iwas watching from a recon copter, (point about mars later) and iwas on the board,?.i thought shit im one of the village idiots,.hwod I get this,.i trun to the guy to my left and hes in a big head getup,..

He says he can speak Indian,??and then I tell him India has 17 launages,?.

He then goes oh,??..and I shake my ehad but we meet at the redvous,.(mind you all animated, up til now, but the next palyers that ocme in are CG) we go in to a cave and a buinch of weird hover craft type things land and in the backround I can see they brought with them a show of force

The space marine (guy form halo,.) he kicks his crafts and say something like piece of shit,.i get up and say hey want to trade your pice of shit for my top of the line board of wood?

Goes fuzzy after that,?.

2nd dream is something like
im the space marine

shooting aliens,?wlel the game but its real,??

now these dreams are odd because,??

1. its halo,

ok ok I bought in to the hype , had the game laying around, played I liked, was a bit wowed, beat it in 2 days,.btu thatw as a few months ago,?..does it reallyt take that long?

2. most of my dreams are the super realistic death infested varity that have a deirct colaration to my life ,.and these were,?..well exactly.


I used to be afraid to sleep because of my dreams,?..and then sometimes having the same dream over an dover and over, and only getting maybe 30 minutes at a time,?

But still with a eye open if that makes sence,??.example I guess would be one time

I was in the backyard doing something, then shit I come under heavy heavy fire,.
I check my back holster and find a berretta,? lucky,.

I dove for a table and throw it over but shit its just wood, and bullets are tearing right through it like no ones business, the guy knows what im going to do before I do it, so I do the opposite and he can even predict that, im getting fucked up , nto form the bullets buit as it hits the table and break the slinters, and the chips from the concrete ground,.

I tak e apeek out long enough to see how many it is,?.and its me ,..(the mind fuck)

So as I look out evil me (for sake of argument,.but we all know im the evil one)

And the evil one sarts fraging me like no ones business I look back and see atlest 10 gernades ,?..as fast as I can I take 2 throw them back and dive behind a car,??.

Shit its my hsoue too and now its downa kitchen,?.
Im expecting the gas liens to go but to no avail,.

I took out a clip as I dove across to lay cover for myself (it?s a dream so it doenst have ot make sence) but the bullets didn?t sound right,.and I can see hes got german HK machine guns multiple ones all laoded, and as they over heat he discards them,.samrt fucker! Then agin that?s what I would have done if I had the resources


I try to paln a escape,??.ive got only blanks and he has enough to rearm the Taliban,.
Im just waiting to see a t-62 tank pull up,..i can really escape evade twds him (the street)
And I can really run as it is ebcouse of the fresh snow cover,??.he will see where I go and only follow,.hes dedicated to killing me,?I would,.

So I reach under the car pull the gas line form the tank and throw out some of the gads with the house in a spashing sensation to crate a perimeter, all the while inm hopeing one of his bullets doenst catch it but chances are hes got a lot of smoke in his face beocus ehes laying down enough lead to keep Detroit making autos for a year,?

As I get ready to run I use the blank and ignite the flame and hurl mys elf out using the fire as cover waiting for the gas tank to go boom and I use the table as a platform to launch myself over then fence to the cematary,.but a grave is open,??dug,.hwoever its said,.

And I fall in and hes above me,?.and he says I was the client,??and Elizabeth the employer,?.and iw ake up,??.

This is not an impossible senrio,?..the packs we run in,?her world crosses with mine all the time,.

That?s they typical dream,?not really but,.violence,?.liek my life,??.lots of violence,.


tongiht,......i skip sleep becous eive alread relived my nightmares

¶ 1/28/2004 03:42:00 AM //

Im trying to do all i can to occupy myself (this includes blogging)

i wanted ot say soemthng but as always in went poof,

RIght now its snowing as though god wants to just get rid of all of it (lots ont he ground)

hence im trying to make exuses not to go out and shovel, nto to mention its maybe only 15 degrees and 2 in the am,.....have to do it before 5,.


anyways , so andreas page that ive been tlaking baout a bit has inspired me ot take some snaps and try again,.....ive found out a few thigns about the camera,...(s400)

flash = perfect clear pictures every alomst every time, but,....
1. every oen sees you
2. no artsy shots,
3. over exposure (achilies heel of alot of point and shots)
4. battery life(not really as i have multiple battries)
5. i am able to take photos at higher res, without worrying baout blurriness
the over expoisure does it,....the dark blue walls look light blue, etc,....
but the whites and shiny surfaces look great,....

no falsh= compramises
1. lower resolution (1600x1200)
2. what i consider much better shots
3. a almsot gurante one shot in the series will be blurry
4. longer shutter lag
5. better life,
6. no 8 x 10 prints for great shots,


so compramises,.

also as a result of not fdoing nay more none flash photos, no mroe black and white,.

somepeaple are just soooooo good at it,. me,..i took a few hundred (this has been coverd and thus) skip

so no more blakc and white,.

i transferd a few over the network and may have a photo updat e(i really dont want to go outside,...

though funny, a week ago i would have easily gone

¶ 1/28/2004 01:45:00 AM //

thats the link for the perfect NY hipster,...............im happy for them (grrr)

so my camera,......excellent camera, took incredible photos in south america, turkey , greece, france, germany, and in NY it just bugs out,.(those are the places ive been with it recently),.

its the lighting,.........

siully me, i googled to no end and voila i have my grail,

when there is not neough light ithe shutter takes a long time so unless you have a tripod or arsupoer man there is no way to hold a camera abasalutly still for 3 secand, hwoever when you use the flash, shutter time is much quicker and voila,........

so whats this mean?

less artsy photos, more photos of substance,.

iwas baffled beocuse mother took the lesser version (J's s230) to goofys wedding poverseas and came back with photos that looked so good so clear , images poped out at you ,.....and she is a novice amungst novice;s (sorry couldnt think of anything better)

and since i neve rpost naything of substanc,e or write abtou anything of substance,..........youll egt a photo when i get lucky (with the camera)

¶ 1/27/2004 09:41:00 PM //

she has a plasma too! in every room! and she works for a non profit!

and her boyfreind,..he is the male version of Elizabeth with the exption of him being american as oposed to spanard roylaty with islands (elizabeths family, is so high up the food chain that i cant even get in the door wiht out a garantor slip from my parents,...who mmmmm

ok this tangit is now a topic,

Elizabeth's family

i never met them,...but form what she said and hwo she said, and what ive heard,
She grew up on a island that her family owns in spain, though she traveld the world alot,

she had no pictures on hand hwoever she went in to a barnes a nobles and foudn em a picture book of her island,......in barnes and nobels,.....the book store,........off the spanish rivera,.....in a book store,

how many peaple out side the vanderbuilts and a polotican can say that?

also her parents, i think are deans/.proffesors,..they have done alot of hush hush work for US agencies with more letters than im will ing to recall, (in maryland though)

they aperntly spend masisve amounts of time traveling becouse they address congresses, which is failry often,.

they live in a extrmly well fortified(see previus post somewhere below) and across the street form vicente? or his fmaily member, but proteted,.

shes a princes,.....thats studing to save the world (oh and he form the blog, is a rich MIT grad doing non profit work,.. who ocasinaly teaches grad students at nyu etc etc etc,......typical ny hipster)


now me,......well lets see,.
failed politico, hired gu... wait its the fmailoies i supose,

up until my grandfather we were just rich,....no real reason, ltos of landlots of money, supoer elite,.
my grandfather genrations brough the patents, the jet engine deisghns, the one diesl engine patent (that is stil in use today so we still get X Million usd a year i guess) and then,....

well he headed the port authroity in NY, nice place on park ave etc etc,...

im missing alot and ommiting alot,. but what this illudes to is ,.the father side of the family

family busness besides land is aerospace,.......we own a few companies i guess and J with lockheed martin and all blah blah

mother side,. well they are the chemists,.allso very high up family (my uncles wedding had a 3 to one ration of armed guardsto peaple,.....thousands of peaple,.......do the math)

so biomedical resarch firms and soemthing to do with fabric and another to do with paper,....

resarch facilities and what have you ,.....

now wiht so much education you think i would have learned how to spell,.......or type,.....


so those are the famile si guess,.


shit now i forogt what iwas goign to say,...........ahh yes the unexpected (thank you title)

i was expecting a callform a emplyer for a quick job, local (which was really nice change of pace)
it paid very well, far beyond my normal pay,.however the target was israli (they always have the ebst security , or so they woould liek you to belive)

and i get a call,......never get clal sunrelated to busness after she left me,........

and its my mother?,.....

unexpected out of the blue howare you (means cops are looking for me)

but she seemed sincere enoguh, said she was shoping for another home ,
how homes in the area we grew up in were now goign for nbo less than XX M usd,

not to go outside, make sure my windows are closed,.you knwo motherly things,...
and me there with a sniper rifle in a case to my left and another case with a m203 to my right (i wanted to feel american) and me on the phone going "yes mother, .. no mother,....of course mother"

she told me not to go out in the cold, and somehwere i offerd to send her and J on vacation to where ever as agraduation gift to J (but think abotu it,..he got a s8 audi a shit load of cash, and iwas goign to give him more but ,.......well this i thought would be nice becouse all he does do afetr all is work study bitch, work study bitch, etc etc



mmm,......i got my copy of lord of the rings return of the king,....hadnt seen it,.....

i was 20 minutesin and good shit wasd goign down and,.......it stoped,...croupt media,.....dam it!

now i have to try to get another copy of a unreleased move...

¶ 1/27/2004 05:22:00 AM //

I think im still on my high,.......shit it just dawned onme how late it was or i would have worked out,

Im feeling pretty ok,........(ok is a huge step up) im nto feeling good persay but,...i even cracked a smile which , wasnt really a kodak moment persay but a mentionable one (i knwo i knwo i mention everything )

I was actually lookign at this one persons blog,.she is mmm i want to say the typical NY'er Has a placein the village, hug spacius, marble everything,. meeting lots of actors, and actresses,notarities and so forth,.

its impossible not to meet famus peaple when in NY, when i worked for the dot ocm i loved the 1st few omnths beocuse originally iwas in amrketing and meeting cleints all day (great job for 18) and iw as makes more than i knew what to do with, and since the clientl list was the who who of NYC i got in good with all the owners and all the managers in the city,......

for a moment while looking at that persons site,...i missed it,...

btu i never had a plac ein the city, i alays commuted form my castle in greenwich (CT) ,. mike tyson lived up the street, and i raced my neghbhors ferri every morning vs my porche (they cost the same unles syour goign for the super exotics,.......do the math and look ti up, ferri has alot more flash, the porche more go),

so i was really considering getting somethng in the city,.a reason to commute,....get out,.meet peaple,.

this sounds all fine in thery ,........but im well,.read and find out (crazy)

and this person,......well shes a typical ny'er,.. very well dressed always, very trendy freinds, works for a non profit, yet affords all the extravagants of life, model bf, and her self a stunner,........(no the reaosn iwas looking,...she was goign on abotut the non profit work she does)

so ,.to get a non profit/ volonteer position,.maybe nto now becouse the weather is god for sakenly horrible,.....

but maybe int he spring?

talking about it is makeing me reconsider,.so ill sleep on it i supsoe,.have to do something afterall.


something blew a fuse i shoudl investigate,......


oh and there is talk of a "space ladder" on NWI,.......really sci fi looking,....but its on NWI (news worlds internatinal from america jr ((canada)))

worth a look i supsoe if your up and flipping

im about to hit the prewarmed bed,....(turned it on a hour ago )

¶ 1/27/2004 02:51:00 AM //

I always told her she could do better
I always knew she could do better
I always knew she was too good to me
For me,

I always knew she deserved better

I always thought she may leave,
I told her I would only hold her back

She was a femme fatal, a scientist/supermodel type
I was a ugly , uneducated, and had no aspirations other than to please her.

She was a type A, (perfect in every faceable way, she redefined the word for webster)
I am a chump ,
I redifned loser

But she never seemed to care, she was always so suuportive, so easy going with me, she
Was always so helpful, so caring, so loving, so aw inspiring.

She told me she did not care
She told me she only wanted me
She told me she loved me

I always though she would leave , for the 1st few years anyways,
But id always have a best friend in her,




All these things I write here,…….even months after she lef ti would still write to her and tell her these things in emails, set inbetween the emails I would pelad for her to come back,

But in a days time she changes lal he rphone numbers, her address, and all her email accounts,……….she was always effecent,….

It was it was shortly after having sent my last letter to her emailbox that I started this blog thing,…a lot of the letters were being returned as were the parcels,..,…even her emaisl were bgining to be returned to me due to account inactivity,.i needed to talk to someone nay one at that point and pretend it was her,………and since we talked over the internet more than over the phone,……….it was the best of the worst.

I sometime spretend im writeing to her,…but she will never reply, she will never hug me again as I so hope, she will never let me look at her again, I will never see her again,…

She hates me,………and it breaks me

Now I am friendless and loveless,…..



Jessica

The only person I knew form my pas is in my past, I miss jessica

I met jessica maybe when I was 13 or 15,…..we used to talk for hours, I really really liked talking to her,….she never belived I was how old I said I was, then one day,..she did this weird thing and she split,…… it really dismayed me, but Its not like I wa sin love with her,…….well if so just as a friend,…

Then maybe when I was 17 (she stoped talking to me at 15 or 16) and it went on for a few years and we even made plans to spend new years together,…she lived upstate,….
But then I met Elizabeth and flew to Mexico and well, this blog shows what that was,

But somewhere,….she lsot her aol account or something, this is why we lsot contact once before,….and it never got to me,.iwas a bit crushed but I understood,.i wanted to offer her a it connection but thught it was a bit creepy

I also cought a old email of hers,…..it was sad how such a good friend ship was lsot,…she was the only real conection I had to my past,……and when I lost he ri didn’t relize what it was,…..she was a really special person and all,

It’s a shame,.. but last I heard she was very much in love and very much adored who she was with (not that I wanted to be romanticly involved I just wish her well)

To where ever Jessica is I sincerely wish her the best,.

and i hope one day we will have that day out

FCHemliech @aol.com




Elizabeth and a moment of rage (though none of it is ment twds her)

Im mad,..mad at her for what she has done to me,
Mad at her for the way she left me,
Mad at her arrogance, that she can just destroy people

Mad that I let her get close enough to hurt me,

Never again

¶ 1/26/2004 09:43:00 PM //

I just read a email I sent her once upon a time,…….

I knew id hate myself even mroe, and yet I continue to punish myself but,.


It made m remaber how desbrate iwas,….i would jab a steak knife in to my leg just to stop feeling what was going on in my chest, my heart punded and hurt my chest was going to exploide, I riped pices of mysclap off when pulling my hair, the agony fo loseing her was something I couldn’t take,……

And I recalled the diplomatic, (love you mss you ) emaisl but, they got more and more cryptic and deemntied,.and so forth,….

I found a letter (hard copy snail mail) that was sent to her and returned and,…there was blood over half of it,…..dry now of course but,.

It really,…..

She was so selfish,…….

She really is, and she would admit this,.

She is a survivor, and this is one of her talents,

But if she hates you ,.your out,.shes cold just like that



Had I know,……..hadi know I would have never gotten involved,.

Had I know it was goignt o be so hard I would have never, gotten in cvolved.

Had I only know about what was tro coe I would have made a effort to stop,.hyad I eally


She made me cynical she mad eme not care, she only aided in fueling my hate,

I once was compasiante , passionate, romantic, caring , soulful person,

Now I am devoide of all the above and more, I am now only filled with rage and hate,.

I am now doing all I can to expedite this journey we call life,…..




Today , I want to sya im better but im nto, but im having a good, day, it hought about her,ebcouse I just cant help but not to, and it didn’t phase me as much,

If I dotn picture her, recall her scent her touch or anything to do with her,.im fine,….
But just remembering how she looks can knock the air of of me, and her voice can make me tremble,…..

So I’m not doing nearly as bad,…….

I saw her name last niht and even that was bad,.but tonight,….isaw it and it wasn’t as bad, and I can even breath,…maybe its because I had a really good dinner for once, or that ive been reading a bit more uplifting items,.



My polotics though,……. Im really had a bad performance,……a real off day,

Miguel came from left field and hit me all at once and I was jst getting up (4 in the afternoon) and everything was ablur, and iw as in a slight daze, and mumbled something about the Iraqi survery group planting wmd;s to save bush’s relection bid.


Een after hitting all the normal sorcies I don’t know,……tomarrow will tell for sure.

tomarrows being the primaries

¶ 1/26/2004 09:28:00 PM //

The guy donw the street,.

sicne ive moved here, ive been far and near looking for the perfect pizza pie as most young kids do around these parts and,....well hes consitantly been the best,

but a few eeks ago i was walking past and there was a huge gap in the facade of hsi palce where his restrainte, il cimeno used to be,.i wa sa bit dismayed but such as the times,.i alays gave massie tips but i never saw the place really packed,.


i ordered a pie form there maybe a week ago and iwas amazined it was the same qulity and such,
and the dirver told me,. it was the same guy just a americonization fo the place (it had maybe an over italian feel before)

so they have this extended menu, maybe ment to compete with the place further up main,

the owener is a great great guy, J has traveld the world studing food and can go on forever about it.

so its nice to see hes stil here, and we orderd a massive meal form the extended menu, all superb its all par with the likes of danials and gramercy tavern (though its take out so its not par persay, but certntly as good as) amazing, .and where as a meal at the tavern is 150usd or there bouts,
he was only 30usd (a steal)




hair

right so im trying to go long as i have no reaosn to be clean cut, and peaple (miuneus family) liekd it long,.... and i pay a fortune (200usd) every time so,.why nto put the money twds insurance for the new addition to the fleet (i shoudl realy sell one of the other cars or move them in to storage before getting the new Merc)

lost in tangits there,......

anyways so hair is goign long but the dry air is really doign a jobon it,.frizzies,......i have the really heavy hair too but still,......its bad, and im nto oen to rush tto use the hair care products (*i use champoo and conditioner which shouldbe enough) i m nto for killing the ozone over a abd hair day at home,........ though we do own a good chunk of cheesebourgh ponds,.....


later this week they say rain (after 10 inchs of snow) so i hope it will help the air?

right i have 3 or 4 posts ive started yet never finsihed int he wings whcih i supsoe i should take the itme nwo to finish,......

woe is me

¶ 1/26/2004 08:13:00 PM //

SO i thought it was just me, but no in fact Dr. S is snubbing the both of us and it seems since hes gotten back form N. Carolina (which is the south, be it there is a N in the name) his ear has been glued to his cell phone,........which i wouldnt have persya mnded if he didnt go every where wiht it,.......he goes in to the bathroom and i swear hes taking a shower and talking ont he cel phone at the same time,

how does he create a propper lather iwht one one hand! (this is the only real argument me and elizabeth ever had,.she starts showering at her knees, i begin at my hands with creating a propper lather,.)

and its not jsut that hes going on on hsi cell phoena bit louder than he needs to (i wonder if there is anyoen on the other side?) but he will sit down int he lving room, and we will be watching amovie ont he hoem theater and i kid you not he tries to speak over the explosions, as opsoed to leaveing the room, so we turn it up and he only talks louder rather than gettig the hint.

1st it hought it was just me,.but i kid you nto he smugged M the M! M has charactor integraty and is a over all really nice guy,.....(though a bit absent minded but hes a grad student) ,...

and since there is no word in chineese (its funny but hes a bad driver too,.) for roomate,..he says it failry often,.....as though hes bitching about us,........

this is usally consitant with a roomate leaveing,.they get snotty twds the end,.....

he was all humble, and i dont knwo me chineese when he got here,..but now ,.......

he must have gotten laid,.....or grown some balls or something,.


this is my bitch session for the week,.....next week same time,......same station,

¶ 1/25/2004 08:05:00 PM //

Dream

Wedding,.chicago? black and white units,………

We are on motorcycles in procession and the convoy gets joined by hummers, police units, someone in the bike up ahead thoguht it be nice, so he arranged them,…so we ar emovieng along and hit a intersection,……I speed up and close the intersection off, the top half only as it was a large intersection, this one guy runs it but meh, this on van looks like he is but I give him the look of death,… I look back and no convoy,……there are 2 plice vans though but they are the older nypd ones, out steps a suit,…….and up ahead there is construction? Not sure but a suit stepos out and walks across the intersection up to my point then down, meanwhile the guy in the white van (the intersection is the size of a 2 way 6 lane highway) is yelling, and I wake up because it’s the red neck (yes in nyc) neghbhors yelling)

Its better tha nighmares of people I knew and places iver been


Hallucinations

The hallucinations are back but ,………1st oen was weird, 2nd one , I was dozeing off and I saw a ruler/level falling on the side of my bed as though thrown so institicly I reached out to catch it ands there was nothing there,……..


Romates,…..argh,

They act as though they are gods gift to me,
M has stoped doing chores all together,….and I would have kicked him out long logn ago, if not for him being such a great guy,…..

S , well S has tendencies to do chores but get away with much as he possibly can till hes gets spoken to,…….he thinks the foyer is a porche and will just throw garbage in it, and it smells , and its disgusting and it seeps in to the house event hough there is a door, and he thinks he can debate,.and asks a lot of whys and I tell him the facts and its as though they go straight through him, and he does it it again,…

And then he bitches about us over the phone,….iknwo for a fact he doesn’t like me, btuthen again,…..whys houdl he,.i do nothing all day and hes a working stiff. (this he expressed once upon a time) but I mean,…..hes a Doctor, and he dirves a fancy euro car and so forth,…….does he really need roommates?

I tell him it could be worse but.,meh,…..he doesn’t want to listen. HE would be out as well but,….ive had so muchworse in the past, its livable, but ocme one, I take pride in my household , when I step outside I don’t want walking int a wall of stench to be one of them.

IT makes me want to reconsider the entire roommate thing,……I have enough to live off of, but,…..

Well, if I didn’t have roommates id have to do more work,
More work means a better chance of being caught,
And wlel being caught,
Means trial at the hauge,.(now whowants that?)

But if in fear of beign sent to trial at the hauge I run join the military give them their bs answers and since congress passes the hauge invasion act,…….

Uncle sam can save me,…..


Not likely though

¶ 1/25/2004 03:26:00 PM //

Lock stock and 2 smoking barrels, the sweet story of a boy and his father,…..

The 1st time I saw it I was slightly wowed, but I just ran a marathon and saw snatch and fight clubt he same day,…..so testosterone driven movies were on order for the day,

But today,…well im almost at the end of it,….and I see all the mistakes a 1st tim movie maker tends to make, especially in terms of the movies progression, how it speeds up and slows down so on, and so forth,……. How he tries to make the idea of a person slamming another persons head with a door over and over and over … romantic.

Reusing the one song just far too many times,……..or is it that all british punk songs sound the same?

Maybe its that I tivoed it off of IFC and not sundance,

IFC being a very cheaply done channel which seemingly does indie for profit,…..to surround sound, analog picture etc etc,……

Where as sundance (2nd most popular indie film channel) uses full digital picture , full surround sound, which enables them to show movies lie “Baraka” in full stunning clarity (though no tv can ever be big enough to show it) it’s a movie that has no laungage, well worth watching atlest once, …very “zen”


Sunday Sunday Sunday

Woke up (well no I was laying in bed really as per perevius post)
And went downstairs,…..brushed teeth etc etc, warmed up some tacos and a glass of milk

Went outside to check the mail (this should have been the 1st indication) and there was mail,.noticed a lot of squirls by my window and ,……they were unflinching (frozen?)

Came back in side , gatherd my breakfast (milk and tacos at 2 in the afternoon) thinking it was Sunday and,…….ack no mcglaughlin group, iw a sabout to curse the tivo to no end when I hit guide on a hunch and,……..it confirmed my fears,.it was Saturday,…..noanalasyisy today,………no mcglaucin group today,…….and iw as so looking fwd to it, especially this week in which all the “pros
” where seconding my opions on the candidates and world affairsi n gerneal, that
I was ahead of the curve ,………….

I guess the ego boosts will be reserved for tommarrow

¶ 1/24/2004 04:36:00 PM //

This mornign i awoke to the cooing of pegins and the qrestling of scquirls and ,......maybe the squirls are fighting the pigiens and vice versa? (im rooting for the squirls though , just becouse the squirls, although they do damage to the house they dont shit on the cars as well)

anyways it is makeing alot of noise,.......


dont make me come out there!

its goign to be a long long day...

¶ 1/24/2004 07:44:00 AM //

the photos i took in boston i took with out tryign and were amazing, and thats the last time i tried to take photos for the sake of takeing them up untill toni....err this morning

i needed milk so i went out and grabbed my digi,.....and i headed to the corner market planning to take photos on my way.

i took 300 photos,........300,...black and white, i wanted to be artsy i thought color was for another time, its not like they are goign to move the bridge,.so with my settings set, i snaped away for the better part of an hour,....

out of 300 photos i took only 25 came out,.......the rest were all blurry beyond comprehension,

i did everything right ,.stood still for the extra time, held the camera very still etc etc,.

now i know it was minues 2 degrees,.....but even thre phtos i took inside th ehouse after i got back were blurry,.......

maybe its the camera? not so, becouse the 25 that came out ok looking were crisp and clear (nice picture of my shower head,......dont knwow aht iwas thinking even though it was just an hour ago)


anyways this leads me to beliver im right in tryign to rid myself of the nikon and that infact in boston it was Elizabeth who made the photos amazing, not the camera, or the photgrapher, she glows,...not the flash,.....etc etc

the camera loves her.

the Canon i am most probibly keeping, M did a good job scratching it up though oin his way to gutamala and back.,. why is it when i loan something out its devaluded roughly 50% by the time i get it back?

¶ 1/24/2004 03:22:00 AM //

IT was a really weird episode,. homer goes to a chilli cookoff and eats a weird pepper that was grwon in a jungle in guatamala from escaped members of an insane asylum (should have asked M to bring me back one)

and so homer goes in sane, and the cayote tells him to find his soul mate, the other half of his kindred spirit etc etc,........and i kept screaming inside for him to say ELIZABETH, ,....and then he pulsl a "oh marge big deal" and im thinking no no its ELIZABETH! and then it hits me,....that she is mine, and no one else shall ever left the shoes she left behind,.......

i was also thinking later int he episode how well marge knew him,.......that how well for the moist part elizabeth knew me,........i liek to say i knew her too but,.she never ceased to amaze me,......

and when homer was from mars etc etc,.

i am form mars,....the bringer of war, the violent benvolent self rightus evil vindictive bastard that brings nothing but hate , fear and misery to the table,....

she is better with out me,


thank you Mr. Homer Jay Simpsons

¶ 1/24/2004 01:38:00 AM //

Wmds

After watching frontline I have to admit that I now longer am sure as to weather or not that iraq had wmds or not but I can say this much that from what I have seen , they were no threat to the us, and very cocky and defiant, and they were defentily up to sienmthing as they fired shots at un inspectors and they ran formt hem, refused to pull over, just many games in gerneal,

But I really do not think there was enough evidence, I do not think they have anything, I don’t think they had the capabilities, I don’t think the premise set for going to war was fully accurate.

I no longer recall my dreams but over the course of the day I will see something and it will trigger a series of flashbacks that occurred during what I can only assume was my dream the night before,.

Example a few days ago I saw a scarf on the side door,.thoguht someone had drped it and the neghbhors left it there, asked shane but he didn’t lose any of his,

Today I was walking down the hall and I swore I saw a scarf on his door,

Shane left a few days ago to N. Carolina,

It triggered a shit loado f images and evens and memories, that I can aonly assume were dreams fomr the night before,


The way my brain used to work, no longer reflects the way it works today I supsoe, the thing is the change was so qiucik, and sudden, it’s a huge and almost shocking contrast, maybe a month? Or 2?



A yes every terrorist ands his nmother wants a pixe of his (3+n years only many failed attacks, no arrests though)


Right I was typing this while looking at something else,…….so ic ant really figure out what I was trying to say,….


This administration though is just so fucking evil that I would nto be surprised just after shortly hearing the news that even the ever determined Dr. Kay steped down that the administration will plant WMD’s fake the archatexture, and show them, its after all not hard and doesn’t take a rocket scientist, also the “Iraqi survey group” even though they look like scientists and army grunts are actually CIA, so think about it,..

Exactly !

Evil evil empire (though ill admit id rather be on the ins than the outs)

Iwas right about my debate analaysis,…..like I said I like to think I;m above the curb,

Clark did poorly,
Edwards did great but he should have stood around to capitalize on it.
Liberman far exceeded all expectation.
Kerry did very well , as well,

Clark really disappointed me, .he played his cards like a novice

Clark needs to take a few notes on speaking form Edwards playbooks,

Clrak talks about himself and his resume a lot,……
Edwards talkas about the people, what he NEEDS to do for you what do YOU want?
And so forth, and also he never addresses himself as I , he rather refers to himself as “WE” the ensenuation being that they have to help him and they together, and together they will right all the wrongs and injustices,………he trates the crowds as he would a jury, he is a talented lawyer , and although he looks very young he is not, he just comes across as a very nice person. And I think he is genuinely is . he has a good chance if kerry falters in the south ,

Clark needs to sit down clear his mind and rethink , get speaking down and devices tactics, not to be on the ropes, but rather on the offence.











biomedicas unam ebola anthrax level 4 virulent strain of Ebola or other level 4 bioweapon BSL 4
Bio-Safety Level 4 laboratory, the highest level of biological security which would
house the most virulent contagions such as Ebola, anthrax and Hantavirus. and Filoviruses Assigned to Bio-safety Level 4 Central European ... Anthrax. ... Guanarito, france unam biomedicas pastier
and Sabia), Filoviradae (Marburg and Ebola), Bunyaviradae (Congo-Crimean

Riunnign through backstreets in rowanda with brifcaes and machine guns to greet the convoy, only to hear the wirling of incomeing laws and diveing out of the way only to bre stranded and continued to run as we were chased by our pursurs with klushncuffs in tow


Her parents I guess used to weponize bioagents for the US govt in Maryland,

¶ 1/23/2004 09:53:00 PM //

Abstract. Two statistical properties, namely, the energy level spacing distribution and the Dyson-Mehta statistics, are reported for the energy band structure of a confined, surface superlattice in perpendicularly applied magnetic fields. Time-reversal (T) symmetry is broken in the system. However, the system is invariant under the anti-unitary combination of symmetric operations which includes T, leading to what is called false time-reversal violation. For the wave vector k not in close vicinity of the symmetrical points in k-space, the statistical properties of the band structure at sufficiently strong magnetic fields are found to be described by Gaussian orthogonal ensemble (GOE) statistics. This result is a clear manifestation of quantum chaos in the system and is in agreement with the prediction that the false time-reversal violation suffices to give the energy spectra the properties of the GOE, instead of the Gaussian unitary ensemble. The spectra are found to deviate from the GOE statistics when the wave vector k is moved towards the symmetrical points in k-space and/or the magnetic field towards B = 0. This is because in these limit cases, the system is invariant under at least one geometric, symmetrical operation and hence spectral degeneracy becomes possible. The implications of this work for experiments are also discussed.

¶ 1/23/2004 09:50:00 PM //

My heart wepes for what could have been,

My heart weeps for what was,

My heart weeps becouse it has seen the tunnel and has confirmed that
Infact there is no life on the other side, just a bottomless pit,

But yet it urges be to the end of the tunnel, the bottomless pit being my grave

There my ehart will no longer have to weep,

There , their will be no more pain

The pins stuck in to us, though not removed will no longer be felt,

There we will will not worryabotu being able to breath again
Because we will not need to,

There we wont have to worry about hating ourselves for there is no dead man that hates,

There we wont need to worry about being unloved because emotions matter not to the person at the bottom of a bottomless pit

There we no longer have to act, have to lie, have to be ourselves, have to be anyone

It doesn’t matter,…….

So we race down the tunnel,……weeping together, in hopes to reach the end as fast as we can,….

There we wont be haunted, by the smiles, by her scent, by her touch there we wont see Elizabeth again,……

There we wont smell the burning flesh, see the piles of dead, see the head shot that jst keeps playing itself over in slowmotion, there we wont have to live with what ive done so many times, for love,….

There we wont have to justify our actions of the past we wont have to mascrade ourselves, we wont have to be on the edge of the blade,…a balancing act that everyone does in a city on the edge of it all,……..there we wont have to worry about status or money or targets, clenits or employers and shiny briefcases,……


There we will nto have to hide behind papers draped in falicies,
There we will no longer, long to be draped in her arms, her scent, her presence, her grace

There we will no longer have to wake up to the smell of gun oil

There we will be free,.

There we will nto care

There we will not hate

There we will not love

There we will not see, hear or feel

There is where my weeping heart tells me to go,….

There we will leap in to final oblivion in hopes that no longer will we see any thing other

There we will no longer be

I will not be I, for I will be gone

And my heart will no longer weep for what could have been

¶ 1/23/2004 02:02:00 AM //

Alone forever,

Even when perhaps someone tries to get close ill shun them because I forgot how to be compasinate, I forgot how to love, I forgot what it is to be loved,

I can not bear to be loved,

I can not bear to love,

I can not bear to be broken down further

I can not bear to be broken again

I can not bear to be with out her,

I am and thus

I can not bear to live,


Bear, …grrrrrrr

¶ 1/22/2004 03:21:00 AM //

Its numb,???everything,??

I just don?t care anymore,

It what I wanted,?.

The pain, still there but numb,?.

Right now, you could shoot me, and I wouldn?t care, and ill even admit I have this fantasy about Elizabeth shooting me,?.why nto right? She put me through so much, but I cant blame her,?.only myself.

Its like blameing the market the invester lsot everything,?..

I invested in Elizabeth and,??I am to blame that I lost all my love.

Its dry,?the well is dry, there is no love left here, it?s a dessert,

Once a ocean whose owner was her, and now time has passed,
There are relics that were at the bottom that can now be found laying about,

Relics of a ife I no longer live, relics that I tried to take out with the water but somehow got left behind

I am only a odd demented shadow of my former self.

People I once knew now know to keep their distance, and they do, they know im teetering on the edge,..one day I may go on a spree, and it wont matter, one day something may set me off,?and I even feel something boiling deep down inside,?

But now,??.its just numb I stare at the ceiling,?.3 hours,?..i saw the sun set form the shadows,??.i heard the world go on,??the comings and goings of people on the street and int o the building,???I heard,..then I put on my headphones and turned them on,???.silence,.(noise cancalation headphones)

I don?t have to hear the laughter and wish it gone,

Im bitter and seemingly old,..

If I die tomarrow,??..it doesn?t really matter, im not leaveing behind any messes,
Or anyone,

My family abandoned me when I was 16, they made a brief attempt , but now its just a publicity stunt for he exteneded family, to send me the obligatory invites and such, but.. they know I will nto be in attendance,.

Elizabeth the one person I thought I could count and trust and depend on, the person I did more so than any other ihave, and iw arned her of this and what it would do if she left,

And then I express me need for her and a day later, after so many years,?.

She hits me hard and fades like the proper killer,?.she lets me fall, from grace form happiness, form all things I belived in, from reality, to purgatory,.or limbo is it?

Next month if im not mistaken it will have been a year,?..it took eleven months to stop my email campains to every ERS in the world, to plea, to thank , to plea again,

This had been a true sanctuary, sad btu true,

The one person I can tell everything to was this media,

It will never leave me, it will nto abandon me, and although it wont hug or kiss or love, it will always listen to me,. It will not judge me,

It is innamate, if it spits in my face its only because iasked it to (Elizabeth never spit in my face,)


You know that sensation that you get, the chills, some people say it?s a ?spirt going through you? I get that a lot now,?.maybe once every 2 minutes,..it lingers for a bit,.


My face,?..its really deterorating,. The tops of my eyes brows, are flaking, then I started loseing my eyes brows,?.now its below my eyes as well,?

I wear glasses so its not very noticeable,. A year ago she would have urged me to go to the dr. and I would have,??..now,??

Now,???. I don?t go to the dr. anymore, or the dentist, etc,

Last time I got shot I just took care of it myself,?..i got a new surgical kit,.ive fallen back in to the self mutilation binge,?..

I no longer care,??not about you , and certnitly not about me,

Im just trying to pass the time, before my time comes

¶ 1/21/2004 11:14:00 PM //

Abc news,

I was watching the news as I do every day, as I enjoy watching peter jennigs as it is no secret,

And there was this 48 year odl guy,….he dlivers pizzas for a living

It really got to me, he was succful telecom type guy for 20 years and poof he lost his job,.. so he delivers pizzas, and he couldn’t watch the state of the union address, he has wife and kids and has to support them, yet,…..he only delivers pizzas, he thanks god he had his wife or he wouldn’t know what to do,

He cant take 2 years off and go to school or his family will go hungery etc etc

(makes me glad I tip very well)

This really hit a cord,…….mission accomplished abc.

In contrast there was this other person, techie job and she lost it and was studing it to be in health care but no one would higher her because she had no experience

Bush’s retriang program,.if you do the math its not a lot per person
29.41 usd per person unemployed,……..

right and that’s suppose ot get you a reeducation?


This is one of the senrios in figuring why Elizabeth doesn’t need me,
I would only hinder her and keep her back, and if I didn’t work, she would be the breadwinner and she doesn’t need pressure like that,.

She was too good for me, too pretty for me, too perfect for me, too good to me, for me,

She was perfect
I am not,
She needs someone perfect,….(you would think so right?)


Iwatch a disgusting amount of tv,.(but then again if you had the biggest tv in the world wouldn’t you?)

On a weekday I easily watch 2-3 hours of news a day

ABS (Peter Jennings)
BBC(michelle husain who is loved by Miguel ((but he assuresme its not a sick way)))
News Hour with Jim Lehrer (need I really mention the host)
The Daily Show (w/ jon stwart)
World News (on cnn international, the normal cnn is just horrible)

My all time fav segment is when Jon form the daily show met peter Jennings at the 2000 republican convention.,haha,……jon, so young os impresinable, peter, so smart dry and funny,…….all time fav segment,……….now jon stwart on peter Jennings show(person of the week) was not nearly as good

And on weekends
Now w/ Bill Moyers (last 2 times, meh, but he inspires me to egt out and change the world)

Front line (documentaries though)

I catch up on the best of “Charlie Rose”,
When he does good political interviews its really good
Paul Krugman was great

And on in the backround is always either
NY1 (local)
NWI (news world international out of Canada for international and candain domestic news)


Side ntoe,

“docday’s” are always good on Sundance

Publications,

Daily it’s the
NY Times
Wall St. Journal (event hough they have the WORST commercials)

Ill also try to catch “in the papers” on NY1 in the early morning because it covers all the NY papers in a 15 minute nutshell,

Internet only
“the onion” once a week because I like to laugh?( www.theonion.com)

so many of the people I know, know someone who works for them and cant point them out in past issues

really too many to mention though (internet only publications)


The monthly pblications

TIME (though bit too main stream)
U.S. News (ditto)
Harpers (LOVE harpers)
The Onion (when I can get a copy)
Gamer (well do love my vid games)
Economist (not every month,)

Haha,…to the perosn who gets the mid atlantic monthly form craigslsit, that was really funny, I have quted them before, and they are noted quite often in harpers, but the fact that she actually subscribes is a riot,…..


My daily dose of numbness,.
“The screen savers” because im a bit of a geek, though it’s a bit disgusting what they must think of their demographic,……one of the girls was actually dressed as a whore (bra hanging out super high heels and red lipstick,) and the other one, isn’t exactly tech savvy, I know a lot of what they are going to say before they say it, but its gotten funnier in a wrong sort of way, but I enjoy it,

“X-play” only new ones ,..really cute gamer girl (Morgan Webb) and the ever funny Adam Sezzler,

tech tv has just almost gone the way of fox w/ trying to get eye candy and seemingly pointless shows,…though the fresh gear girl is also really cute but,…..cute girls alone really does nothing for me,.

“The simpsons” love the simpsons,.its on 4 times a day so,….always one watchable episode on the tivo

“reno 911” where did they come up with this? I LOVE this show,…funny funny funny

“insomniac w/ Dave Atell” also very funny comedy central dose very well for itself

there is more but,…….this gives you a idea of how disgusting it is,



Bill Lehrer IS really doing such a good job covering post state of the union coverage,
Covering all sides, (republican, democratic, independent, citizens, aliens, minority, a good good mix ) he is very balanced, .though Miguel admits the info overload cases him to doze off,…….




ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

¶ 1/21/2004 10:32:00 PM //

seemingly after the singlest longest postal transportation time on record,

ive gotten the books i orderd eons ago,.

"Winning modern wars" - Clark (god dam im such a sell out)
"Why Smart Peaple Can Be So Stupid" - Yale Univ. Press
"Beyond Genetics"- Glenn McGee


The clark book i got becouse,...he impresses me, etc etc

the smart peaple book,......well 50% did vote for bush,.....i just want to know why.

Beyond gentics,....well the woman i love (though she may not love me) is a genticiss,......sort of,.
I met her when she was a girl though,..... etc etc,......(i wont go in to it)

something about a pile of spanking new hard cover books,......

¶ 1/21/2004 04:29:00 PM //

ok,.umm you can now view the site in 1024x 768

i reduced all the pictures from 1600x 1200 to roughly 800x600

this is a huge loss of quality mind you,...so no longer will you be able to make out the dust
on the uppe rright hand of my desk ,.....

the photos are all orignially 2272x1704 @ 4.1mps ,.....however thats a bit outragues (hence 1600 x 1200 which i thought was a good ocmpramise)

the side bar and i fought for the last few hours and i guess hes a frienchie (i spit on your intranet explorer ,....patuy) and so he and ie wont get along thus,.......

but he loves mozilla (anby netscape based browser)

i promise you if the israils and palastineanes stop fighting over thier imaginary friends (no my god is better...) ill get the side bar to work in IE

¶ 1/21/2004 01:37:00 PM //

So im bored and this site is optimized for kids w/ Mozzilla and a 1600x 1200 rez,...

ummmim finding out that im more so in the minority than usual,..

so im caving in and doing a ie freindly 1024 x ? site,.....

pfft,..

tabbed browsing,.......oh how i love you,......yes i do ,.......no your .......wait its not talking back

¶ 1/21/2004 12:31:00 PM //

Breakfast

¶ 1/21/2004 12:20:00 PM //

¶ 1/20/2004 10:09:00 PM //

No no please odnt stand! God dam,. Now we’;ll never get out of here,………you YOU! Don’t you DARE stand,. Shit,.,1 hour speech 2 hours of standing and clapping

It s like being in detention,………..is the state of the union address to the democrats,


YOUR SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT,.

YE HAW im; getting a me a gunb and shootin me a terrorist,…

Please let patriot act,……not be renewed,

And patriot act 2 that staes your not aloud to read patriot act 1,.

What what what the fuck! What were you thinking!


And then he reoposed sanctions on him!

kudalfi



did he just say screw the law?



Clinton conducted raids in Afghanistan


Iraq had no WMDS you fucking monkey! You monkey faced monkey!

He forgot to list the natiosn that pulled out,


Hey do we get up? Yeah it hink so,.now? now? ,.we clap ummm now? (you saw the 4 cheifs of staff, military guys in strips and stars)


And the on guy a few moment back that was clapping but it looked painful,…

Rhetoric all rhetoric,……..

Thanks for making the no emprie emprie stadagy clear,……

He speaks as though every one is a idiot,…….”reading and atrithmatic. Are learneind in early grades”

bush may have not done this


he is claimed credit for comeing up with report cards


the little kid being bored out of his mind! Haha,………
op the camera,.stand up straight and smile,…….now clap,………..good boy
now heres a report card.

For collage,……….the only people who didn’t clap or get up is the generals,…….haha
The joint chiefs of staff obviously are anti education (they need their grunts,……better to educate them in the forces)

Holy shit! The balls, his administration did the lest for the enviorment! You idiotso!

His immigrant worker program is such joke,.good for no one,…..
After 3 years INS will knock dsown the door and tell you tot get the fuck out,…..

Sen. From ny looks like hes falling asleep,…….

Sip the presidential nonsence to the US on the US,

For the idiots by the morons, for the masses.


Bush knows all about drug use (he was hooked on snow and booze)


Does he have to hit on every drum,……


They already try to deal with stearoids,…. Its already illegal,…..moron!


Bush may even cost the olyimpics to ny,


Why is he so ignorant to gay and lesbian rights? Why is it so his business

Government contoling people,….evil , the anti for the basis of the republican party.

Its over,.

54 minutes with applause,
70 interuptions

and these are my musings,………

now 100 hours of analasyis, to no end,…..


next post

¶ 1/20/2004 10:07:00 PM //

its really wierd but inserting < br > did it?

so pics now work again and thus i am spoiling my self and getting a pizza pie,

not the normal sicillian though,....


i just confirmed its the same guy, he just changed the fisade of his place (great great guy, lousy drivers)

they take 45 minutes to deliver a pie 1/8th of a mile,.

¶ 1/20/2004 05:28:00 PM //

ive toruble shot the html to no avail

thus im goign to ZZZZZZZZZZ(i know its still midday but the headache)

and hopefully when i awake the post below will have pictures and so on,

atthe time this one will go the way fo the dodo bird

¶ 1/20/2004 04:26:00 PM //

I bought this soon after we met, to take pohotos of her, and it served me well i took amazing photos of her, but i can not say if it wasthe camera, or most likly her.

Its a real top range Nikon SLR, but now,.it has sat for over 9 months, collecting dust,..

Im trying to rid of it, but know one i knwo wants it,....so i am tryign to trade it onthe market,.


i did use it once for work though,...



It’s a daze I live in, walking through the halls, seeing everything but what is in front of me, flash backs of happier times flooding through my blurred sight causeing me to crumble and shake, to be aware of this imdpending looming cloud that hangs overhead,

Her smile haunts my mind, her scent , her voice,……everything about her infects my sences and renders me incapable of the simplest tasks,

I only long for happier times, those being the times I spent with her,…..

Boston was my nirvana,….


here is the onion snipet i was talking about from a few days ago,

Miguel thought it was funny,...but he didnt know



i have atlest 3 of 3
and avariation of one,.

¶ 1/20/2004 03:22:00 PM //

,Plak plak plak,….my new all time fav linux distro , it something like proffesinal liunus assuly kit, or something of the sort,…..

Its based off a morphiex gui and well,……the item of note that places it over top is the stealth feature,….cant do shit in it but,. Looks just like xp,

www.phak.org. but its in such high demand hard to get,….
Their site seems to go down a lot


Now the petty I suppose,.as per the course,..

Took a really intense series of pictures,….really nice really intense shaky scary , the kind that send chills down your spine,. The kind that haunt you in your dreams and you cant rid yourself of, ………good shit,………but it wont be on here because well,…..those I use to torture myself with,….and are possibly incriminating to some degree (not a open and shut mind you , nto even enough to get a case going but ,….my legal representation would tisk me to no end)


Tourture iludeds to the tourtred soul eludes to the onion snipet that Miguel gave me,.


About crippling depression, and such,….scary thing is, if you’ve been keeping track is I ve got quiet a few of the items listed on a small list.

To be included in futre post


Had bacon today , forgot hwo good it wa,s ,….beef though shit it got really expensive, thought for sure the price would drop but its literally 10 usd a lb!, so say a sloppy joes
Lunch is more than 30 usd! Fucking aye,…..i could have steak for that,.

Funerals and weddings,..

It’s the only time I ever see friends and relations nay more,…….all been coverd before but it dawns on me a bit brighter,, but then again so many conflicts so many losses, so many hardsips force us in to reclusion, to leave oiur orginzations, one by one, only to do contract work,.ocasinally to meet in the allies of beudapest, on assaighnment form our respectaoive employers,. (or nto so respective) ,…ieven alish you left the buiness a long time ago makes a cameo,….always a welcomed surprise,

I was in prauge once,…down a ally,….was suppose to do a job upclose as per direction,…..p69 in hand affixed my silncer in the dark,…..came up to the client places my pice up to his head and then from the right hand side through 2 planes of bullet proof glass and through the clients head came the touch of god.,probbibly went through the next few walls (50 mm sniper rifle with ap Teflon tiped bullets) ,. i hit the deck and went for the engine block about to make the call for heav renforcments and have local shut the area down, and wait on the roof tops for the escape,….(no pro takes surface) with my rifle but,…..

I spy with my little eye,………a stunning smile lurking behind a scope at 500 meters down down the street in the 7th story window,…..she smiled tiped her hat and went on her way (such class) I tiped my head and met her few hours later for milk and cookies, I thought she was out and she is but the wedding was a bit pricy so ,……she gave me a bit on the side and kept the rest fopr her self (such class) ,.she took care of the employer,

We haven’t really talked since,……but she would prefer it that way,.

Francis belivce it or not I ran in to in france,.he was my contact,…..he was on crtract to be contact,..aperently I have earned bit of a rep that has potential employers nto want ot have any contact with me,.such is the things we do and how they are previced,.

Hard part is for me keeping track of whos the good guys and whos the bad guys,….

Does it matter? Are we all not inherently evil contrary to popular belive?

Those who think other wise are skewed and not to be trusted,….



The captian that goes down with the shipl, is a admirable man indeed,
The last person on the field ,..

Knowing your going to die but still fighting on ,…knowing you will not win
Spuwing blood all over your equipment but to still go on,…….

The man you never want to be is the sniper facing a battalion,……the sniper discovery faceing the battalion, you will have a entire world of pain come down to greet you , the enemy will take everything they have , take all their hate and manafesit it with every swipe, every bullet , every squeeze of the trigger and they will show no mercy,.

Sniper faceing a sniper,…its possible to win if you have better toys, that’s why you never cheap out on the tools,…

If you have a better scope , a slightly higher powerd rifle,.he can ,.i take it back,

Just a better rifle,….logic would dictate no shit Sherlock but, but think about it, if we both saw each other ,.both had each other locked in,…his bullet would drop before miens would thus I could shoot him form further away,…….over a ¾ a mile you have to start figuring reaction lead times, speed of sound vs speed of light,.

When facing multiples its nice ot get off a few shots move by the time the bodies hit the ground and your position zoned in your gone,……..very quickly does this have to be doen but near impossible in urban warfare,…

Urban warefair for the solo artist provides so many more opertunities to acquiring a target that persay a wodded area,

Its hard to pull a troope onsamble in urban settings, this is why the 4th infantry division is having such a hard time

You cant roll in with a 2000 man convoy and not be the center of attention, show of force is nice and all but,…. It nmakes you a easy target,. You will lose men in hostle arenas, you will not walk away with every man, you will lose one soul if not more, though the battle is yours if you want it (captian?)

This is why when the collation (of one) went in the went in with the suns to their back and appachies down low,.the effect being only one unit coming in fast spiiting dust and the copters down low ,………then when they bank your fucked, your looking down the 120mm barrel of a tank you didn’t see, and its nto the tank that will get you it’s the hell fire missle formt he apache that flanked you over to your right side,……you were too busy shitting yoru self over the convoy,.

These kids are smart,……but not properly equipped , the US is a pro at open warfare, open warefare is the impossible snerio,… but in urban warefare,.

Set in one agent,…..he can cut them down any where form 10 to 100 at a time,….a pro though,……

This is provided there is no air support or no fighter jets to annex the entire are a(napalm is your enemy) for a snipe,.hes limited,..severly,.close quarters he has very little chance vs a good size (100 man)_ opostion but,..you get him far back enough and give hima rpg,.

He can take out as many as 50,……and id give hima 20% chance of getting away
That’s using a combination of nades , smoke, rpg’s rifle, and a reliable sub machine gun

Most agents shutter at 10 man teams, most wont take naything with 16 men,

20 men, that’s a army,…take your last year of school , give all the kids machine guns, train them,.trian them to be the best, riun faster, be stronger, more agile, train the to be Mario andrettis, train them to be agents unto themselves, train them to scale walls, take out buildings, spot the guy form 100meters out with a bulds in his pocket, train them to see what you never will, ,……..great,.thats a 20 man security detail,

I used to have a 20 man team back when I worked for the UN,. They were a bit insane,.
If I had a meet ina field,……they would call local local and get night vision equipped copters,…..
It’s the standard now for high up chiefs, in the baltics it wasn’t really enough, never is.

I know a few people who toate 20 men, and well,…when they go heavy,.its a definte show of force,..

Fast,……….cant catch us evasion,….doesnt work often but,…why do you think bilasconies convoy uses audis? Fast audis, moded to no end, and only one is armored, and they have towing hitches,……..think about the insane things they must be planning to pull is they have to ing hitches,……..sure uncle sam has ram cars running board nd you can see form a mile away what they re truing but for the dedicated person running boards will only work against you ,….imagine trying to get away and someone form top to bottom in armor bp kevlar hangs on and just opens up,. Everything has a limit,.

The hallucinations have taken bit of a vacation, which means I may take on more work,
Last time I went in for a “surgical” operation one person got expanded to 4 to 10 to a entire convoy,

The mycolonusus is down as well. I can hold my hand still,….which is nice all and all,

The romantic idea of saying TTFN

I used to say it all the time, always thought it was a sweet inside joke only peapleinocent at heart (or with good memories ) got,…thought it was ormantic,.always said it to Elizabeth,….now I never get the cance to (unless you want to say it to the big israli with the uzi in one hand and payment in a briefcase in the other)(

Speaking of the isralis, that shit in Stockholm was really fucked up,…if I was a palastinian with 150,000usd to 1M usd I would put out a contract,…(hint hint wink wink,.gimmie!)



Wow my brother is a geniues,…..beyond Einstein geniues,..i didi a google on his email log in (never fails, I am even supceptiple to this unfortunitly) and whole shit,…the can of works I opened,…..he only writes about him self and only once about Lockheed but,….wholey shit,.psedu intalectual if I ever saw one,…..hes insanly incredibly bright and brilliant,……onlyw rites about himself (bit disappointed) but then again,…no wait I do write about him,…….

Anyways outlines of concepts,……..and the way he eats his chips ive seen but,..never had explained,…….he lays the entire bag out and then eats the crap 1st saveing the large ones for last,……ina orginzaed fashion,.this bewilders kapla (navy pukes) engineers,….
And they asked him whet he was doing,…he said he had a system,….

I cannot express enough how smart,. He is,.i have a iq of roughly 162 but,…….

Its near one of the smartest writing ive ever seen,

Why is it in person he comes off as such an ass though,….maybe because he is,.



I just remamberd as im dozing off, why I felt so sorry for him,….
Or used to,…….. it was a Saturday night or something and I emailed him,.
And he emailed me right back,……..Saturday ngiht? He was doing nothing? So I emailed him and we went back and fortha few itmes, I felt sorry for him

This was mr. “im throwing a party for a thousand of my closest friends” back in high school,..and here he was,…….aloen on Saturday,.

Now I no longer feel the same way , but I still sort of think of him as my kid brother,

I was gong to give him between a 50,000usd and a 500,000 usd graduation gift but,

Right I just checked his bank accts (don’t try this at home) and he already has more than 7 figure in the bank,……..not bad for 20 years old,…


I see things,……..i wake up and I don’t remember my dreams,. But ill see something and in will flood a million images thoughts and sensations and ill recall ti all,……


I saw a card and it reminded me aof a dream (S.L.I.G.E.T.) that I wont go in to but it was odd ebcouse when I woke up , I didn’t recalla thing,.


It’s the brain damage of all the blood I lost in the baltics getting to me I supsoe,

¶ 1/20/2004 12:34:00 PM //

When I go around, I see people in a rut,..i tell them to look up, not to worry, al will be taken car eof (sometimes its me that has to do this but never to let on is key issue)

For the religues sort,….for those I see wearing a cada, a yamika, a cross, something of the religues nature,..i tell them its important to take care of this item on your own,.to try your best,.and not to rely on god, and in this god will help you in having all the blocks fall in to place,.that god provides for those that provides for them selves,

Yet I go around and I play god,.i take and destroy the lives of so many,…and perhaps this is why god has taken from me the one thing that is of any importance in my life, the one thing that was and defined my life the one thing that made my life, god took form me the one thing that I killed for the one thing I raised hell for the one thing I spilled blood for the one thing I hide my self form (for) the one thing that made me want to move to nowhere special, somewhere quiet and lay down for, the one person that I wanted to become a ever better ever evolving person for, the one thing that made me weep for joy when I saw her, ……..god took Elizabeth from me,……but she is still alive,.. this makes it worse,.

Not that I wish any harm upon her,…….btu is she died,.i could explain I would no it wasn’t because of me,…….(umm provided she wasn’t killed by agents of people who are not exactly freindlies) but she elft me,….by choice,.and I don’t know why,.and it must have been something so bad,.that she had to think about it, and it marinated,.and she left me,……….even after just telling me she loved me,…….she left,…



Happy,……..

I want to be happy,.i want to smile I, I want to forget I want to be able to enjoy the sun,.i want to go out once, and not have to scan the street as I walk down it, I don’t want to have to constantly look at roof tops and duck in and out of malls to avoid cover, I want to walk in to a place of business and not have to mark my exists 1s, I want to use the valay parker, I want to wear something other than gortex and Kevlar,.leave the vest at home.,not have to workout ,… I want to wear sandals,…..be a yuppi,…..not die my hair out of necessity,..not have to ever wear makeup or prosthetics again,…

I want to not have to sleep with a sub machine gun under my pillow, not have to think about DDS protocol when setting up my furnature, to be able to move my bed ,

I want to be able to go out and do my shopping during normal hours,.m iggle with the public,……to be able to wave at the cop on the beat and be sinceare, not to just give him a drop,…to get in a car ,.nto to have to check it for spring retention, skid plates, level X armor, compression ratios and so on,….. to step out side and not have to check the slits in the blinds 1st to walk in a field and not hug the tree line, to not have to look up form typing this every minute or so, to listen to music,…….to listen to music loud,…to listen to music while im with someone,….to be able to trust someone,……anyone again,..
To be young and helpless once again, to be what I used to be when I was young and impressionable, to not be so mad , to nto be so hateful , so untrusting so un human, so mechonised, so uncaring, so unafraid,……to be afraid and have it be ok,…
I want to get high I want to get drunk, to smoke, iw ant tohave it ok to be impared, to nto bring my A game all the time,. I want to go on vacation,.i want to go on vacation and take only one car nto arrange to switch cars so many times, I want to be accepted, I want not to have to lie, I want to be abel to come clean I want to be able to tell someone any one the truth I want to have purpose, I want to not cross the street dolwn 3 blocks up 2 blocks to only go to the shop that was 15 ft form my orginal position because their were suits coming up , I want to go to church and eb a mindless follower, I want to stop thinking at times I want to stop worring at times I want to stop clenching my teeth, to be bale to relax, to recline for once, I want to not have to constantly check the permiter and do visual inspections I want to be able to breath I want to run for fun, not dodge bullets, to wake up , and go back to sleep, I want to sleep in, I want to not be on my toes all the time,.i want to sit outsidea café , to park on the street, nto play 21 questions to get the one answer I want, to not have to play mr. interagation to get a number, to nto have to get numbers. To be able to use one bank , to not have to have a million numbers on the tip of my tounge, to sleep for 8 hours,.oh to sleep for 8 hours, to have dreams nto nightmares,
To be the hero once and regnozed,.

I want to be normal

I want to be happy,

I want to watch happy movies that nothing happens, with happy comings and go ing with relatively little stress, I want to have moves where people skip, I want to watch seesme street,



Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy


I want o be happy again,.

I want to smile again

Iwant to be myself again

I want to be with Elizabeth again, where more so than anywhere else I had all these things and so much more, where I loved, and was (so I thought) loved in return

I want I want I want, ..

pffft

typical American,…..

¶ 1/17/2004 11:29:00 AM //

I would gouge out my eyes, if I could no longer see what I have seen

I would rip out my heart if it would just stop hurting,

I would tear my chest open with my bear hands if it would absolve me of all that I have done,

I would cut my tounge if I could tell the truth

I would tear off my ears if I could hear the truth

I would smash my nose if I could forget the stench of death

I would amputate my legs if I could not have gone to the places ive gone

I would severe my hands off if I could have not done things things I have done

I would rip out my hair , tear off my scalupe, dig in and remove my brain if I could never seen what I saw, never hear what I heard, never been where I did, to nto think as I do, not think as I did, to not done what I have not do what I did , not be who I am not be so evil

Id sell my soul if I had nto already given it away to be a better person to be a worthy person, to not only be honorable in practice but honorable in itself, unto itself, for itself.
For myself,





Purple hair

I knew ,.well didn’t know her , cant even remember her name,…….she was a person unto herself, did what she wanted, because she wanted, for her self, for no toher,..in 8th grade she colored her hair purple,…….i liked it, but never said anything, she was brave, she seemed happy,.

Id like to be like that one day I said ot myself,……….today im still trying.

¶ 1/17/2004 11:28:00 AM //

I develoeped a new flood light/peremiter defence system for top range autos,.

Ummm, lots of sketeches and ideas about implementation,

Yes the blood of engineers ands all,.blah blah blah

¶ 1/17/2004 11:27:00 AM //

Sometimes i forget, when I remaber and I smile like a idiot,……..then when the rest floods back in i am brought to my knees,..

Sometimes I forget and I can breath,……other times I remember and like knives in the back through the chest my heart aches,…..

I used to be good at blocking her out,……when I would go to the “office” when I would be overseas,……but one call from her one wif of her scent one thing I saw that reminded me of her and I was silly buddy,…weak to the knees and smileing like a idiot at more likely than not, a inopertune time,….

Once in interrogation the person from europol. wore the same scent, and so id be yelling screaming threating to blow some guys brains all over the world and yelling obseneties as though I had no concept of any other words and she would move (the EP)
And bam,…..a million images at once a million thoughts at once , a million memories.

All crystal clear, all as plan as day and,………I would smile like a idiot,…..and fall weak to the knees

In this case though it worked because the detaine thought I had lost it and well,.he spilled his guts so I wouldn’t have to,…..



As of late ,……I stay confined,…..keep to routes where I am more likely assured to run in to nothing that reminds me of her…..routes I should take reguardless,…….but today I was cleaing the email boxes out (note 1 later) I ran in to a picture of her,……….and she was smiling like a idiot,……it was in boston,…..i was looking down loading a roll in to the camera ,. And she was listeing to hans zimmer on the labtop (I made her, because at the time it was my fav. Song) and through the mirror, she was smileing at me,……like there was no tommarrow,…….and so I took a snap and,…….today I found it,………

This was called lizzywizzyitues,.i go in tot further detail below,


Right ,….now for you nuts who give me “pointers” ,…..

What? Your insane (comeing form me that’s saying a lot) its like a little kid trying to contradict a quatum physics professor in why the apple fell,….dont,….you come off sounding ignorant and dumb, and none of what you preach is GOP,. So shhh,………up up upi I said shhhhhhh,……….. sssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh,………shh,……..sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh (it)

Oh and don’t offer to sell me items because you don’t have what I have, and you cant get what I can get, and if you did have what I have, and could get what I can get then you already have more business than any one can handle, and you don’t need my sales ,.

That’s unless,. You can get a maybach 62 for under 150,000 usd,……in that case give me a call

¶ 1/16/2004 07:03:00 AM //

i was madly pasisnatly, recklessly in lvoe with her, and when being that absent minded, your only going to crash, this i knwo now,.

she defines everythign i cherish in life,
she redifined beauty, she redifined elgance, she redivinged passion, and romance, she redfined by world,
which only orbited around her, and now that she is gone, there is the sensation of just flaoting vicariusly though life with no goal no drive or purpulsion, try as i may,

when iw as with her, i grew in so many ways,but grew imature in others,

when i met her, although i lead a very harsh life, she let me be young aagin at heart, as though she took my hand looked me in the eyes and told me it was ok to smile, it was ok to love, and be loved, it was ok to close my eyes and jump becouse she would catch me,......

but now,.....i have to adapt,.

i still weep for what i thought was, what could have been,....soemtimes i ask myself it was all just some halucination,..

no one is that beutiful,.....but she wa,s...........no one is thta n ice,.......but she was,.no one that sweet,.btu she was,.noone that brillant that charming that funny and witty,...but she was all those thigns i thought impossible wihtin one identy and so much more,.......i wanted to be young forever with her,.eand with out her i just want to sands of time to run out and be over with,..so i can be pain free,.

insteadof raching for hte stars she made me want to reach highier platus (silly question,....if god is up (in most religins always though of as being up) what about ppl ont he other side of the world?,...
she redfined the stars,.......

she made me want to become a better person, and for her i tried so very hard to do that,.to be worthy of her,....

but the street only ran one way,....

now im a maniak,....a mad man,......seemingly as iw as before her,.or trying to be so,.uncaring un yeilding, uncaring, pravoaking menicing and mean,......if i have a target sometimes i wont do as i once did,...soemtimes ill pull up to the house and in front of his wife and children ill do what needs to be done,....ill block traffic pull him out of his car and do him right there in broad day light,........in middle of rush hour

she was my humanity, my sanity my love my life,.....

and with out her,....... i am without any of the heir mentioned above,......

i am not man,.but animal,........not love but hate,

hate for myself and hate no other,..but distributed with out predjuduce unto my clients,
and unto myself, and tourtured soul,.....entrusted to her, discarded and throw out wiht the trash,
incinerated with the rest, condemed to hell on earth for this life time
and damnation for eternity,....

stablity has lost its grounding,........the world its reasoning,....compasion its graditude,.....

one day ill be as i was before her,........

one day i hope to forget her and hwat was, and
i hope one day what love i have, lvoe thats till flows liek the waters in the ocean,.i hope it runs dry,...
i hope it runs dry and it freezes me and makes me as i was,.......before love,

love is th eonly pain i know

¶ 1/13/2004 03:51:00 PM //

right,...so i had a quick transaction with a monthly client, work i did for him once upon a time thta he coudl nto afford , so he makes monthly cash payments,......came downstairs, got a 10 minute warning, so i had to bring down a wepons cache asap, but only had time for the uzi and berreta, ..

went smooth as always btu then he mentions,.....nice tv,........hes seen (the biggest tv in the world) before,.......why mention it now,.......then he says he saw the old one at my parents house,........

dead man walking,......

i do my homework and the guys a solo artist,....but just to make sure i place the call,.....

and same day god dam it! 4 black vans coming hauling ass up the street,........shit,....run inside get the big toys locked and loaded,.......thank god for kevlar right? i had the remote for the ram car ready in case i need ot go full out,...... (always a last resort as you know i cherish it, but for the lack of practicality cant get a nice maybach for the job just to end up smashing it, and we all cant be the tresury dept. and get decked out bp caddies)

intally i get out the m40a3, i think its enough,...but shit,.....4 vans i have to get them befor ethye come out not just the dirvers,......though i think ill take out dirver #1 with it and resort to the m203 for when they aprach the gates and the mp5's for in house close quaters,.......but shit i need ot take more of htem out, i run tot he safe whip out the hand of god, (Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle) this thing will tear through the engine block and 5 guys in bp vests,.... i set the trip pod in the attic under the overhand knowing i can only get off a max of 10 shits but if i place htme well its more than 1/2 the work,......

oh wait,......what,........where the camo? the guns? the sirens?,...no suits?,......

WHY THE FUCK DOES CON ED HAVE BLACK VANS AND WHY THE FUCK DO THEY NEED 4 UNITS FOR 4 GUYS!?!?!?!?!?!?

dont they knwo they are liable to give someone a heart attack or a bit anxety to say the least?,....

¶ 1/13/2004 12:44:00 PM //

the weponization fo space is the big debate now,.......
i coverd this on the post in reguards to otc,

the democratic nomnie beign the one with the most$,......that wa son bill moyers (great show, on pbs, a must see almost every time)

well ,.i brush with broad strokes so i cant sya,..for a week or so miguel wouldmention somethign and 2 days later peter jennings would be covering it,.smart kid,.good memory,

its possibly to fake smart if you have a good memory, ,.

smart implies you can create form what you have gatherd,

seeming smart, well you just reiterate what you have heard (the masses) and deminding on what you read you can apeal to diffrent audiances,

a good liar,.....they also need a good memory,....they need to recall everything, form the white to the great big black,

thus good lairs, although not neccerly smart can certintly come across as seeming so,....



oh and the moon landing,........so what were ogign to fake it agaain?
or
is it becouse of china?
or
poltical stunt?
or ,.(this i can even imagine) they ll sat bush down and had the talk,.....his parents were theere, powell, armstrong, even the vp made a cameo and they told him the truth, that it never happend, and he cried and said, no no no,....and he said fine well go then,.....

anyways,........

id like to think im geninly smart,......but becouse i have not read everything, some of the ideas i conjure up are redundant (im sure someone made the bad joke about one of the fourhorsemen leaveing beihind thier saddle at home)

im good at bad jokes,.... but thats the basis for most peaple taking philosaphy, you need to know it all before you can build upon it,.......(dawnting task)

im a really bad speller,.......but thats been coverd,.

im growing redundant,......meh

¶ 1/12/2004 11:10:00 AM //

no,.blogging helps me cope i supose, liek a freind that will always listen,

but well as far as elizabeths conrened,.i love her, with all my heart,

and when she left i told her i owuld suport her either way ,. becouse she is smart enought o make her own decisions, there is no point in make osmeone that doenst love you, love you ,

she doesnt love me, she neevr did althoguh she may have said she did,...

if she even stubles across this , it wont chnage her mind, if the million+ emaisl begging and pleading and only further humiliating myself did nothing,.....what chance does this have?

a year later i think i am improveing,.....

im workign on grasping the fact that the hole in my ehart is there to stay, that the lonliness and isloation i drape myself in is by choice, and i would liek to keep it that wya, that i am my own worst enemy,, and that my life,....is very near the end,


i called the therapist i worked with after getting my sholder blown off with automatic machine gun fire ,

he said i have a rotar cuff to close to csomething and i shoudlnt do the dips nay mroe if they hurt that much becouse the cartlage may in need falil and my muscle may tear out thus my bone ripping throiugh my skin,..etc tec

so bad news/ ok news,..usally my days only have bad news so here one fo rthe good guys,(umm imnto good but for aregument sake)

¶ 1/12/2004 08:28:00 AM //

when everthing works so well together without thinking,.....

music upstairs form the pc downstairs, but yet i can control the playlist upstairs,...

it jsut works,..........flawelessly!,.....


ok now heres the question,.workign out,......now i do my routine daily but,....

my bones really feel liek they are trying to escape my body, , like they are saying "best fo luck with htis thign your trying to acomplish and all, and best of luck oon the girl, but weve got to be somewhere" and they try to leave,....

the suspended lunges (for lack of better terms) really do a number,.....liek they are on the verge of cracking,..

id hate to have to go to the hospital and try and explain that one,.....plus how would i get there,...id lose control over my arms? dunno,....


fin w/ the true stories form a porno store clerk,....shes no mil millington (seems like a fake name doesnt it?) but stil entertaing enough to go through all her posts in 3 days ,......

the other stuff,..mmm well shes a good writer and all btu , the ocntent isnt as far fetched out of my realm, thus isnt as funny,.......though blogger always has good picks,....right now its belle de jour,.....

im goign to call japal and get my book back,......need to read about krugman,... oh speaking of paul krugman,.

sad but true story,.........you see craigslist is a great comunity type site (link to your right if your on mozzilaa, and becouse ie is so fucked its on the bottom for ie users) and the best of is funny shit,....... but this perosn htits a bit too close to home,.

our household almost to a T,.... with a few exeptions (no cross words for me but miguel,..)

the best of is a riot to read for your local areas,..(the mta grips wont apeal to you is you persya live in denmark)

oh need to make arangments with him for his bar exapm, cant recall if its this month or the next,...

hmmm, iwas goign to say something of signifigance, but nope,.noda,..

yesi now how pathetic it is that the only interaction i have some days is through this little black notebook but,..
isolation serves it purposes,.you cnat get hurt if you dont go out,.....you can only heel and grow stornger (and turn int o a freak like me)

¶ 1/12/2004 05:26:00 AM //

this one was vividly clear when i awoke now its gone as i becoame ocupied w/ something but 2 lesbians (lipstick)( arguing back and forth that the other ruined everythign,.

dreams in which i am totaly irellavent im nto goign to write about , btu dreams in which im moving of free will or i am a particapate in i will write about (wall papering in pink invader zim)

etc etc

¶ 1/12/2004 02:27:00 AM //

Ok another dream,.(this is what, 3 in a row now?)

So im seemingly following this guys story line,……succeful young guy ,.hes black (don’t know why but he seems like hes struggling to get out of the ghetto, hence the raciqalobservatrion,.other wise I wouldn’t mention it)

And hes had a super hard day at work and he goes to a a way out begal shop in a strip mall,.and hes drunk? I cant say,.so he goes inside and has some bagels,….he gets like 5 and he says something like “now the trick to steal crème cheese is…” and im cluless as what he said buthe was making a mess,……….then he picks up a phone and (never actuallysee the phone) calls someone to pick him up in styvenson (never heard of the place) and some woman on the other end screams “Sytveson! What te fuck are you doing all the way out there!?!?!?!? And starts to bitcxh and moan but shes already hung up on,

Now as he pulled in a truck got hit and spun out, I was waiting for the occupants to step out as they enver did,.icant recall if he was dirveing the same sort of veachle but it was like a 4 door suski side kick,……..so when they don’t step out,..i am no longer observeving ,.i am now myself interacting,…..i get out and run over and see a boy and a girl in the back seat and wonder why they are not moving, the truck didn’t get hit beyond the 1st time and the windows are open,..there is someone in the fornt seat but I don’t pay notice as im thinking ok the kdis 1st,

I call out to the girl and ask her if shes ok,..they seem to wake up, I tell her to take ti nice and easy and step out of the truck,…..and she does but out of left field our main character(not the hero) comes running up) and hangs on the end of the car,.soemthng tell sme it was him that clied this car pulling in causing the spin out in the 1st place,……so hes taunting t the little girl (maybe 8?) and so I tell him to cool it and hang back,. Bbut he wont he keeps getting edge and then start s to punch himself,.hard,….and hes getting harder to control and hold back (im a bigger person in this senrio as well) then a goofy middle aged cashier? Shows up in a redish smock and shirt /tie shows up and asks me what im doing, he look svaugly family but meh,………hes being really annoying though,..and I ask him to help me, and he s like why? I tell him aout the kdis then I wake up,

Now that im awake it makes me wonder if that was his ride? Dunno, dream seems unsiginifigant bntu beter to document it? I suppose? Dunno

but hwy am i now dreaming baout peaple i have never seen before ? and where the fuck are they comming from?

oh the bitter sweet reality of haveng a comfortable sleepign area now.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

¶ 1/11/2004 11:08:00 PM //

i really like mexican but ugh,.....there is this thing i keep order,.chazero/? they never have any ,......

so now maybe the 100th+ time ive called they have some,.....great ill take it , it must be good its mexican,.

UGH it was what i imagine dog tastes like,..and the oil was disgusting, this place is sloppya nd granted the only reason we order form them is becouse they deliuver, and its super cheap (no taco bell cheap but meh,...funnys tory about toaco bell in a bit) ,..they showed up 2 hours late , i tiped good but it was all still cold, and,.....it tatsed like shit (just this one thing)

meh,........but i so like mexican, i may be getting sick of it though,.i think i may switch over ot pizza form the next 8 months, i never got sick of pizza,.just when mexican came alone i had to (plus mexican is like 25 usd were as pizza is 40 usd )

taco bell in mexico,..........umm im sure i shared the week where i went to mexico and had fondue (swiss) and i went to swisserland next and had tacos,..........i knwo i know,....oh the joke aournd the house is that the car mad emigeul old,...he point out obvius faults now,....like when i opened the scarface dvd i riped the packageing and he rode me about it untill i told him i knew i had done it before he pointedit out "thanks alot dad!" lol he turned in to his father, the cars really effectign him, the hats should be here by the time he gets back,


oh yes and taco bell in mexico,..........elizabeth being the gracius host said it wasnt real meixcan, mroe like tex mex (and shes right,.....but shes a spanard?) and then she oges on to say that mexicans hate taco bell and its disgusting,.....

then we dirve by a taco bell line out to the street and aroudn a corner,.....i lpove her too much so i didnt say anything but i broke out ,........when she asked what it was i said i thoguht of osmehting last night and made up something

yes i lied to her, and i told her i will lie to her if it means prote cting her, in this case her pride (though not even the us amry invading mexico could tarnish that,..becouse (the on goign joke was) the entire mexican army (of 2 soliders) were dispatched by vicente fox (whose met elizabeth pon more than one occasion) to gather flower form the country side form her,.........the two solider spil thte duties, one in the morning is the navy and the after noon the marines, the other is the army in the morning and hte air force at night (ifyou know miltary logistics this makes sence)


my room..i just came in here to umm, oh labtop battery was dieing, and to type this i supsoe (what i saw made me wan tto ) and the ligth in here set such a mood now with the blankets distorting everything its so warm and welconming now,...

nboen tof the harsh light and its warm in here, i used to dispise ocmeing in here when i had no heating in here, it wa slike goign outside in the winter (1 degree today minues 14 w/ windchill) in your underwear,......

but now its not enarly as bad, i wont be goign downstairs as often,.....and even a hint of vanilla in the air (elizabeth natrually spelled of sweet vanilla,...........meh,.


the downside of haveing blankets over all your windows,....cant see whats gong on outside,......liek someones on the roof,...pfft i dont care, maybe the neghbhor working on his (they are so so effecent and idalistic it seems, nice peaple i just have nothign in common with them, though they get along famulsy w. my father)


i wanted ot make a logo for the sitre as i notice os many others have,...like the marines rasing the flag exept it being pengins,..or the antartic armada, and tanks etc etc all camoed in white,...but shit its soooooooooo much photoshop that my mind is boiling over just thinking about it,..........meh i may come up w. something

meh

i said MEH!

meh

¶ 1/11/2004 02:27:00 PM //

but ewhy do i always get enistien?





once upon a time i took a iq test,..it was at nyu,.....a 162,...

but i think the test was severly faulted,..if i didnt know my pereodic tables i would have gotten a much lwoer score,.
also i cant spell for shit,......btu on here if you have noticed its really so so bad, i should poinbt out i just type, i dont look at what im typing and i dont check for grammer and spelling, so its all very raw, and relativly uncencored,. i rarly if ever double check what i write,....


......pfft silly ppl.


now im goign to spoil myself and get some mexican

¶ 1/11/2004 10:15:00 AM //

Dreams pt 2,

Like is aid my bed is uber comfortable so I guess I dozed off,…

I cant recall everything so umm,……

I think I called over my fathe rot mysdesk,….something to do with a new skinning mod I had ocme up with so everything was in sync ,…….red even,…..and then I was checking mhy inbox and taylor(bit about taylor later) sent me some wallpapers,…..invader zim ones (in reality rich ((miguels friend))) had given us a dvd recently) it hought cool, now if I oculd only get these in red or redish,……maybe iwas thinking femmein,..and then there was sarah lane? (shes this girl form this show but I think shes really only there for eye candy, im not attracted to her but umm yea)(oh sarah lane? Doenst sound like a porno name?) anyways she came up with these graphics in conjunctin with the wall paper that I emailed to her (recived from taylor) and they were these stick on things,..like wall papers for the computer buti just peel and stick them on and thye work? Dunno then I was thinking hmm I don’t like nay of these really,……I should really write taylor to thank her,..umm it hink iwent in twds the kitchen then bit of a haze (memory lapse) I think it was the old kitchen not the new one, for somereaosn I went to the fornt of the house and the door was open,……so I went out side and,….it was either way way in the past (70-80 years? ) but I cant tell,.or the apocalypse hit (explain in a bit) i heard a clicking
Of a water sprinkler,.and a big 2 inch think industrial pipe I followed to my nighbhors house,……which was oddly parell to mine and he hada much bigger suv in the driveway, either that or an old van,…..old I mena way old,……style wise,.

The re was a coat of snow everywhere so I thought he was spreaying chemical,…….to rid of snow, (they sprayed snow in cewntral park in reality yesterday thus maybe why it wa sin my dream? ) I only noticed when I woke up but,.therer was no gates in our fornt yard,……..no firehydrent etc etc and a real lack of trees,……so I walked out and hmm,.then walked over to the driveway and back,…iwas thinking those bastards they took the fence,……there was a fence from the cemtary but it was gone and no trees, and rolling hills for as far as I could see,……gentle rolling hills,.no trees that I can recall, and now that im up I take notice htat there were no tombstones either, (hence maybe the past)
And so about mid way on the driveway there is a chian link fence and the snow is heavier twds the back i have no clue whats holding it up maybe its dug in to the ground so I walk through and wake up,……

Dunno clueless though my media player looked way cool and there was a lot more red on my keyboard than there is now (pics somewhere on here)

About taylor,…… taylor I may have men tioned before but she s areallysweet girl, lots of spunky plenty of energy grad student (grad students are really my type, btu im not hiers,……the smart witty kind etc etc) great taste , lots of personality, really pretty etc etc

But I think she has something w/ Miguel and shes alos out of my league,not that im saying it cant be done but still,…. Shes goignt o Africa this summer, and as I used to go ta bit of a triangle every eyar there as well,…..

Spanish rivera to to morraco to malta back to spain,….sometimes (once)form morocco to eygpt on to turkey to malta (for supplies) on to spain mainland and barcalona int air port,.

Miguel says we should get together and I should confir,…..point out places of intrest,…..

I don’t think so,…she gets a bit too close ,..though very sweet,……


Ummm, yeah im no source of info,…..etc etc etc etc


did ifx her labtop ,...she offerd dinner but no,..maybe it was a openign but i doubt it,

i do love that name,..TAylor on a girl,.it fits her personality well

¶ 1/11/2004 09:59:00 AM //

So yesterday I pulled the space hater out of the attic,…I was a idiot I knew it was there one day I even said im pulling it out and it just slipped ,….well then ,…

the light form the one window with only light drapes,…….i threw a blanket over it
then the other side well that’s the one the noise comes from because of the ac unit ,.so I threw a heavy blanket over it,..looks very poshish,.id take picks,

but the end result,..my room is comfortable once again,….even with out the new electric blanket,…….but ill use that once I tgets in as opposed ot the space heat for the simple fact it’s miguels,….but hes in south America,….

As a result I had many dreams of which I recal only a few,…..

The less ubstantiated ones 1st

I never have wet dreams ,…but this one,…I was lifting with silver weights (we have big black ugly ones) and somewhere ein there I was with a girl,…I didn’t get a looka t her,.all I knew was we were naked,……….bout it,……

The next one bit weirder,…..as I usally dream about war,..war and Elizabeth,…..world domination was always our little joke,…….she would save the world and I would only croupt it,……..the sad part was,…..i was a thief , an agent of the state , a enemy of the people appointed by the people to destroy the apropteated people,…
She was a scientist saveing the world form itself,..disease and all,….

We were the perfect ying and yang,…she made me want ot change my ways,…I still only sleep to one side of the bed,…..well no,……last night I slept in the middle,……I only notice this now,….but that’s only beocuse ive got more pillows than any oen ever needs (but I only actually use 2…. Padded head board and all,.

Sao the dream,….

I openaed the fornt door in NY and there was a family,…..looked like an old greek grandmother,…….a kid,…..one very attractive woman whom I didnt geta good look at but meh,……..they were there to see eric (I don’t know any erics in reality) so I said hmm I had to think I said he wasn’t in but they were more than welcomed to step in a nd wait forhim,………when they steped in it was the house in conneticut but with my items,.i pressed pause oint he tivo and went frantic for my organizer,..they said nice place (to themselves,….most people say this in ny) it was like a hybrid house,……part of the one in ny part of the ct, part just new,….

And I recalled that eric had come to be a tenant but it didn’t work out and he asked me if he could use the address ,. Fwd people here or something,…….and here was his family,.one of the girls was sweet kept asking me lots of questions (younger girl like 5 or 6) didn’t look at hier because I was too busy looking for his info on my palm, the interview process I jot notes on my poclket pc and only keep the info for those that stay so thus I must have his even though it wasn’t in my contact lists,…….then it was weird I had to step outside to do something and it was conneticut,…..but there was a floating porch (elevated off the ground to protect the manicured lawn,….not floating as in magic but stilits) and the driveway seemed longer,..the elevated proch was osmehting my parents may do for parties so that preaple don’t get wet walking back to their cars / helicopters,….and there are a lot of cars,.but I notice this one,…….its a mercades and looks like a full size slk (they don’t make a full size slk) I thought it belonged ot the family, .nize car ,.zat the bottom of the driveway ti was my brother (didn’t actually see him) and he was going to leave and it was like a thin disc for a car,…..a Pontiac everything was slim proviled,…like a wafer,…and the tail lights had covers as did the exust etc etc,..i didn’t want him to drive it because I thought noone would se ehim,.balck car like that would blend too well in to the street someone in a monster truck would run him over, goofy was there,.few other kids, I told her she should dirve it (I would mind her dying),……ummt hats all I recall,………..oh the girl,.i just remember,.she ,….shes someone I sort of blew off,…….ummmpretty actress type, she calims shes always happy etc etc,.

The monster truck reminds me of a story,…..in ct iwas famus for having fighter jet type headlamps(before they got trendy and illegal ) and I would just ride people and if I knew them flash them,…you could feel heat off them form 100 yars out,.there is an entire bright headlamps enable you to travel faster safter thery,. But most wont hear it but it makes perfect sence (you need a digram or I would here)

But ill try,

These are nto sacturate numbers but examples that are relative to the eqasion,

50watt headlamp enables you say 250 feet,

to stop form say 50 mph you need say 200 feet

thus to stop from 80 mph you need 260 feet,…

so if something steps in to the raod at 260 feet and you are going 80 mph
you will be short 10 feet and unable to stop in time thus an accident,

now I fyou had 100 watt headlamps,…….you could see 500 feet (the are not accurate figures)

so I had 250 watt low beams and 500 watt high beams,…

I was up ona moster truck that was swerving,..so I flahse donce and ucked out off on to tmy street and shit he went flying u trying to keep up ha,…….i was half way down the street cut my lights truned on my infared dirving lamps and my night vision (for 16 I had a lot of polic evasion tools) and flew around the corners on our street doing maybe a good buck 25 (125 mph around a turn is border line insane)

I was upstairs inmy room byt the time I saw him go pass the house,…

At 16 I used to raise hell never mind pulses,….


The wireless music server,…….. the monster downstairs serves many purposes for entertaining the house hold.,the newest one im using is music,……the movies are big and sometimes the wifi drops thus youlose were you were and have to recall and try to find it,..so the best way to do movies is download them to your labtop frm the desktop downstairs (we have 2 desktops and ,.i think 5 or 6 laptops,.) as of late im using the music,…….we have maybe 80 gigs worth of music,…..i only had 8,.the rest is miguels (ill never listen tot it though) so I play it over my laptop ,..playlists and all,…

And then upstairs I have inly a mini system (pics of it on here somewhere) but it really does the jb, no sub but full rich sound speak placement took a few hours but so worth it, and because of all the Kevlar in the walls (did it after ig ot the house) and the bullet proof windows and the blankets on the walls sound doesn’t travel too far form out of the room….so I icant blast it,.though rarly do, its better than headphones, I cant use it for movies because I hear a bit of a hiss which makes me grind my teeth, for mps’s though its perfect,…. Small file size, only one conection drop , but it doesn’t stopt he song just reloading the playlist and as its on shuffle anyways,.who really cares,.

Good shit


Oh I now now why the pipe froze over,….you see I have a fancy thing-a-majig that monters the pipes and turns on the heat ocordingly,………but in the back room.i killed the heat beocuseits like a read foyer, acts as a buffer, heat only escapes form that room.,

Now I supsoe I have to turn it on though,……..20 it can handle,.minues 14 I guess not,….

I may wait for a thaw as I have clothes to last a lifetime with out doing laundery again (not literally) but shane need sot do his,…….meh

I even got a few hours of sleep because of the new room config,…..only thing that woke me up is I guess I shifted my head and it brushed up against the sub machine gun (mp-5) that I keep under my pillow and oops it felt like I had a gun to my head and I flipped around with my beretta side arm to see ha,……just my pointing loaded wepons at myself again,…..funny,.

I should use the glock it’s a more relable sidearm but the standard issue beretaa just speaks to me,….

One day the past will catch up and if it has its way I will become the past,…..

Elizabeth was always my salvation, but as that fountain has run dry , there are no optiosn left but face my rality on a day to day basis as opposed ot having vacations form it every time she called/. i called/ we were together,….

One day,….my sins will come back to collect,……one day,……but that day seems to not come fast enough,……..not for me,…….

¶ 1/11/2004 06:09:00 AM //

It wa sher that showed me the world has so much beuty in it, it was her that granted me light and showed me all the world had to offer,

And when she went she took with her the light that radiated form within and it was here that left me as iw as,……in darkness,……..

My eyes grew acustum to the light the warmth so the dimel dreary world now is only proconified by the contrast that she showed, in a effect causing the dark to be darker and the cold to be colder and the uncaring world to be more so iuntrelenting than it was as I recalled form long ago,.

0 degrees minues 14?

An attempt to recover he lost posttrykign to recall what I wrote about,…..

Ummm, now the emotional stuff icant recall because it was a moment in time that iw as feeling that,.

I was listening to a lot of music that I had not heard in a very long time even though I have the cd,…..and I used ot play it raicn gbaout in the town I grew up,.one funnys otry one not so funny and even sad,.

1st the funny,…..i was dirving and I was on my street about to pull in to my driveway when I got pulled over,…..the officer steped out and starts in to a lecture houw the hard working (ppl in our area didn’t work, they robbed,……no working man dirves a rolls Royce) so how they didn’t want ot be disturbed by what I called music and that I should be considerate in lowering the volume,………this I would have been meh,.ok

then he starts in to “how would you like it if…” (this is what got me off the ticket)
some hooligan came flying down your street blasting his music at odd hours of the,…etc etc

one look at the licence,….he looks over at the driveway (it’s a verily posh area you cant see the homes fomr the streets because of the landscaping in our case, man made hills in others) ,……..have a nice night sir,…..haha, funny shit

now on to the car,……

I love the car still have it as a matter of fact never dirve it though,.

my parents didn’t get me a car they gave me a car loan at 10.9 apr (rip off) for a 2 year term, ,………they told me to find a better dealif I could ,.. I remeamberd I fgot the car empty (petrol wise) and so I asked for gas money as I gave them all I had, and nope,..
but my uncle helped me out,……

I had to work 2 jobs to make the payments and go to school, plus pay for my own insurance (a fortune)


A year prior mygrandfather had gotten me a top shelf bmw 840i *I was 15 he though I was 16) my parents thought I didn’t desrve one because .. well the was no real reason.

So they sold it for a horrible low proce (I think 15k usd? Its easily a 100kusd car)

My brother on the other had,…….well he got a vw pasat,….got gift,.for getting his licence,.and now that hes just about out of collage he got a audi s8 (nice graduation gift)
Big car, very fats, very expensive,……


This is all out of order, so bear with me,…..i ialso recalled typing a story about how strict my mother was about the car,…….

I was dirveing along and I was gong the speed limit and then I hydroplaned in to a river bank,……I got out and thought it best not to disturb anyone and get the car in the morning,…… it was around 4 that I finally go tin after walking across town (no transit in our area) so sgt sagot pounds on the door at 5,…….(he gave me a ticket just two nights before) ,…..he gave me a ride to the car and called a tow truck,……..yes ticket too but it wasn’t that bad,……he was real nice about the entire thing bt the tow truck was 75usd,

I had a bunch of uncashed paychecks int ehcar (4-5 so maybe a few k) but no cash,
So I begged my mother ot cut a check and I would sighn over a check so she would quadrupole if not more so her cash,………noe she wouldn’t budge so the truck went in to the impound lot,…..

A week later I had the 75 usd but by now it was 575 usd (garage fees) ,……but my mother refused to give me a ride to the garage and I was grounded so no friends ot take me their,……

By the time I got it it was over 3,000 usd, and I was a payment late to my parents because the garage fees were so exorbited (simpley strage was 100 usd a day,……its not even that much in manhatten)

And then when iw a payment behind they took the car back (I lost it went phyco and got it back eventually,……..i wont g o in tot that now though)

But those are the sort of parents I have,…. Sip,……they love me (im being sarcastic)



Ok I lost my train of thought,…….downstairs tenant of mine came up slamming on the door,…..there was a pipe burst so I ran downstairs water verywhere,…….ran upstairs there was shane running twds me,..aperently the waching machine,..

Lots of drama but that’s what I concluded,…….i think the drian pipe froze over,…..for some reason the pip goes outside ,….for a foot or two but sa bit silly nonethe less,….

The fucking hack of a contractor made everything so its impossible to tell whats going on,….(when he installed the washer,. He forgot the shipping rod,.then when it went bat shit he told me I was laoding the clothes wrong,.then he saw the shipping rod and I said it shouldn’t be there,..he said that it should be,…….then he told me to call the company oit was my problem (no,…….its his,…he over charged me for these machines then fucks up the install and its my problem? ) the guy form sears came by (howmany middle men at this pont/) and hes said it’s the shipping rod and asks if I installed it myself,…….i tpold him the story,……….THE FUCKING HACK)


Well thank god it wasn’t a pipe burst,……….wicked witch of the west and all,


Then I wen tot get the mail and a few months ago this person on ebay ripped me off
And so I am trying ot get back my money back and im getting the run around,……
So I pay the fee fiel a complaint with the usps and they send back the form that I forgot something and well so I lookj at it and it seems full to me so I fill everything I csee and they send it back same shit! Fucking hacks part 2

¶ 1/10/2004 01:16:00 PM //

i cant recall much but its weird,...............

1st i sort of wake up i guess and its rianing,.though its been raining forever,......and i see peices of the wall in fornt of me crumble,.....to reveal a wire mesh,....in the wall,.......spots here and there,...............

i have to show the room so i get up,...........the next one,.....so there is a young couple,.....they are dressed 80's?

anywasy so i cant recall what they look like and we move across the street to annes house under some tarps she has in her front yard,...my father screams form scross the street soumething and im like yeah yeah fuck off,...

and thne out coes anne and i almost pounce on her she scares this shiut out of me,........shes yonger though,.much younger,.brown hair even, (maybe i was in the 80's?) and so back to negotiations,.....

the guy syas he wants it btu thte girl sayssi t was fucking cold,.........so i say yeah, ill cause and seal it the day that koti moves out and they could move inm the same day, that mines was the same,..then i dont know what buut my father wa sin a arage and we were goign toget in to a fight,.i was suposer mad.,even woke up mad and we were likegladiators going at it ,.though he had a 2x4 and all i had was a allumiun gutter that crumbles,.anmd i fought sohard yet didnt make a dent (childhood?) but there were ppl form the wire there? ii dunno,.......weird stuff,.......


this drea,m i dont think has any value whatsoever ,..just jotting it downj to recall one day if i look back and try to dispher the hyrogrix that is my bad grammer

¶ 1/10/2004 12:37:00 AM //

to be pure, free of defection, to be in gods graces,.....to be all things magical,.....

i used to call her my angel,.

do you kjnow hwat it is to be a goddess? to be perfect, to be passinate, temptress, amazing,

your at par with god,..he cunsults you (becouse women wear the pants we all knwo this)

you can make a life or destroy one, your aloud to do anythign you want becouse evryone is so awe struck,

when your sad it rains when your happy the sun shines when your cold it snows, when you romantic the flowers bloom,

then i started refering to her as the goddess in disguise as aangel umngst the humans,.......

flashback (maybe ill repeat the lost post)

but this old beastes boy song came on that i had not heard for years,....(even though i have the cd but pfft who uses cds anymore? they are the new cassettes) any ways i was going home ,...taking the senic route,...driving like a bad mana t times then takeing easy as i hit our street,. and then i get pulled over maybe 10 feet from my driveway,.......and cop comes out and starts giving me the lecture how he heard mys tero form his car (though it wasnt turned up) and he starts in to this lecture,.

how would yYOU like it if some kids dorve through YOUR street blasting thier steros,.......licence and regestration,......

have a nicenight,.......

funny funny shit comeing form the stalinistic clinton pd police state (they have a apache helicopter! a fucking anti tank missle toating night vision, military surplus helicopter,.........for a population of 10,000 dr's lawyers and tycoons?
30+ crusiers speed boats hummers , atv's motercycles high speed units (vettes,.....though this was maybe justified as every other house it seemed had a bat cave with some tricked out muscle car/ ferri,.....we had 8 callaway corvettes )

ummm,..... yeah they had hummers jet ski's a small army of suv's and the new police station,.......massive massive massive,

the U.S. army coiuld take pointers,.......and all the cops are highly paid and very bored (cop that was always pulling me over made 150,000+ usd per year ythen again school teachers also made over 100k usd per year,.....umm ok everyone got paid well,........

yet we didnt have things like public sewar system (spetic tanks) and garbage pick up,.....

my brother jokes,........since im always late with my auto taxes that i poay for half of it,.....

my parents saythey pay for the other half (they pay in the vicinity of 500,000 usd per year in property taxes alone


meh i forgot what i was saying/was goign to say,.

¶ 1/09/2004 04:19:00 PM //

lost another 10 pages just pured my ehart in to really good one but i dont have the enrgey to redo it all,

fucking blogger is sometimes the shitiest javascript,.

¶ 1/09/2004 01:15:00 PM //

soudns liek a onion head line,.......uu shoudl ad that to the links,.meh maybe not, melia knew the writers,.meiguel knows a tech,......im ont he outside,.must find someone who works for hte onion,..........must

anyways so i had ham and cheese snacks and i thought hmm, i have a cheese knife somewhere (when you buy a 1,000 usd henkles knife set they try to give you as many silly ones ads possible) and well its a weird looking half knife sort of job, near imposible to sharpen i imagine,.......

now what draw me to blog in the 1st place,....

i have a sound system that rivals most concerts,.......i have nevr seen how loud it goes becouse even haveing con ed install a seprate line just for the system i dont get enough power (where scotty?) i have a lamp hooked in to the line and the stero (by linbe i mean it has a seprate meter etc etc etc,...... and the light starts dimming before i hit max,...i once got like 3/4 of the way and then got hit with glass form a breaking window,.....

but i never use it,.i usally use my bose qc1 headphones as i hate noise,...........but today im home alone,....

and so i turned it on.,just to listen to while i read (bbit baout hwta im reading in a bit)
and metallica has disapointed me,.now i knew it was bad before the new album in terms of recoring quality but now,...
hearing it on a top shelf system,.........what the fuck? ive heard amatuer garage bands put out better demo discs than this,.

i mean distortion,.......its almost unbearable,.........its aalbum that ment to be played loud but when playing at resonable levels all the inacries come out,............i mean shit if they were desprate i would have donated a few bucks,.

they made millions upon millions in presales and put fprth seemingly no effert in tot he recording proccess,....

id rather they took longer than put this out,.the black album i recall they put 10 M usd in to (1990) and it was huge and everything is crisp clear, and set the par on the course,.......load reload were good upto par,.garage inc ,.well that was garage,...........st anger though,.........are they sure its a studio album?

trying to make the last buck before thier bodies give out,.........i dunno

now my readings,.. i cant recall exactly how i came across it but the musings of a normal [person who happens to be a femmanist porn store clerk and her misadventures,....true stories,.......its not incredibly funny,.......few smart lines,......but it is entertaing for some reason,......

the thinkpad be it ever so light and effecent surely lacks battery life,.......

and thats all she wrote(he HE! im a he)

¶ 1/09/2004 11:47:00 AM //

so umm,.i mentioned i was playing with candles before,......

and so i go in tot he closet,.light a few more (its fucking freezing in my room, becouse the prozimity of the bay windows to the heater) and there i open a box with hundreads of candles,....and another and another,.....and then it hit me why i have so many

they came handy druing the black out though


i used to fantasiese when wew ere together about elizabeth visitng me in NY or coming over and she said she would so i ordewrs 3,000 lightly scented candles (doidnt want the scent to be overwhelming)and 3,000 candle holders toplace aorund the house for the day after she came (!st day i just wanted to hold her and be inocent,.) something romantic had a million plans, florsit is very near the house too,.

but umm, well she never came, and thus i light them now,.maybe be rid of them all i prefer the smell of febreeze (like perfume por the house,.very light and refreshing it seems)


yesterday i did a mioon loads of laundery and so i threw in my blanket as well,.its been more than 6 months since it was washed, being as i use sheets (comforters are nice but,......meh not for me, .sheets are softer,......)

and i forgot howplush and smooth my blanket was when i got it,.......i dont think its mink,........maybe,....

i think its a synthetic,......dont have a clue what i paid for it,. dont recall,......3 years old,......

and then the one elizabeth loved feels the same,.bit softer though,.....maybe,....ive had that for as long as ican recall back in to child hood,.they were a gift,....2 tigers,.one for me and one for my brother,.........nice gesture by whomever (my parents might recall),..i used to get weird gifts when iw as a kid,....my parents still have a full china set someoen gave me when i turend 2,.......pfft what werre they thinking? though,.i could use a good bone china set (they are extermly expensive and all,.like 20,000 usd for a good set?)


ummm,......off to play dr.

¶ 1/09/2004 03:30:00 AM //

i try and stay busy,.....thats how i fight to keep my sanity,.to not htink abtout he world,.rathe not to think about my world, i read polotics mostly,.some ocmedy,.....i try to be anal about everything thus it takes longer,........million post in here comfirm that,.....

i just spent 2 hours "swiffering" the kitchen floor,......

cleaning the house,.shoudl have last week,.....in between i work out and then go back to cleaning,..had a bit of ice cream.,

and god dam it i still have these day dreams,........all of elizabeth,.......of her sitng across from me,.her laughing at me scrubbing the floor raw (i shook a marble tile lose)

her shareing the icecream with me and each of us trying to atempt a preemtive attack and get ice cream on the other persons nose,.........

the best anolage i can come up with its like eating ice your entire life nothing but ice, cold , realtivly texture free,.and for fun you chew it,..........thats your life,........ice,.......cold sleek transparent nothing,

then you have ice cream,......full of texture creamy harsh in spots smooth full of suprises and a million things to love about it,......and once you have it,.....you will never look at ice thre same way,.....

my life was ice,............elizabeth was my ice cream,......now im again in a freezer full of ice,.......had i never learned of the cream i would not mind it,.........

she made life sweet, she made life exiting she made life worth living she made me feel good, she gave my life purpose,......she destroyed me,.....

my chest feels like its goign to just cave in on itself,....

im seriusly considering commiting myself,.....

i have a friend who we did the same too,....

a few post down i talk about this but,..

i was with him when we were in the convoy and he saw his freinds get blown apart,....
body parts flying all abotu the place,.....he was drenched in the blood of his freinds,......
bone tearing through flesh etc etc,......

it was too much for him,.he cracked,........

we all have our limits,.....my greatest hopes lead to my dimise. my sanity lead to my insanity

my love llead to my hate, my lizzy left me

¶ 1/08/2004 01:08:00 PM //

i haqd been slacking for the pastw eek so today i did a half hearted work out,.its what i needed, maybe only 45 minutes of free weights and a hour of cardio,.like i said half hearted,....

but i do this one thing i do in the kitchen while weight for the water pitcher to fill (its abrita so it take a minute or so)

holy shit,.its one of those things you place your hands on two counters and pull your self up (not pull ups) gymmnatist do them on the parell bars, i used to do a 100 like nothing when i was younger but now after 15 the bones across my chest/ shoulders feel like are goign to just burst and rip out of my flesh,........

ill try to work my way up to 50 by 2 weeks,.....and ultimitle a hundred in a row times maybe 3 ,....so 3 reps of 100 each

i dont have the staff elizabeth did so its sort of fly by the moment,......

we dont have enough weights and im tempted to buy some but ill wait for miuguel to leave this summer and then get an entire weight set,......(the entire saveing money thing) and ive bought so much this month but that after controling myself.

i played dr. operated on the candles,.....while i was doing it it dawned on me i must be so freaking bored,...
surgically removeing the wicks to make a super wick and melting/ molding wiht a blow torch to make a super candle (muahahahahaha) liek isaid bored,.


the bakery on the corner i raved about in the last post,.that was before i ate the "cheese danish",....

it wasnt cheese it was maynayse!,...how? so i thought check the rest and all manayse,......

the ddough wasnt bad but the rest,.ugh im not going back there,.....

there used to be a italian bakery one block further up main that was really good,....my father once wa sin town and swung by there and got a cheese cake for me (it was a very nice gesture) back before he had the beard,........

its funny,.....after i grew mine he grew his,........its much easier than shaving every day and well million and one looks,

i go through more than madona,...trying to go for the long hair again.....though it looks pretty good now,....
you see in a month it iwll get to this point thta it looks bad and stay that way for 3-4 months,.....(that when i cant stand and get it cut)


my elctric blanket went bust,.........hence the candles,.i purposly keep no heat in my room becouse i like breathing cold air,.as a matter of fact up iuntill last night i even have the ac on (in the winteR) last night i just opend a window though,.


shit another picutree i could take!,.....(n/m)

anyways my elcrtic blanket went bust,......the reason ig to it int he first place was elizabeth,...her skin was just so incredibly warm seemingly all the time,.....and theway she would drape her self on top oif me was just such an incredible feeling,.
she would bury her face in to my neck and it was dirve me on edge,.....first i though it was a fluke,.but she did it every time and ,........so when i got back tot he states i got an electric blanket,.......and it was as close as i couldget to being wiht her at night while were were not togethe r(location wise) and even after she left me ,.......i always looked fwd to sleeping becouse i had the blanket,...and i woudl sleep better and dreammore often,.........but now im back to my normal sleeping habbits, i lay dowenb and only get 1/2 hour at a time tops ,........then i wake and then i sleep 5 mintes wake,.sleep 10 minutes wake,.sleep 30 minutes,.wake sleep 10 minutes,.just very eratic,........no time for dreams,........just enoguh to get me by,...i have blankets and ocmforters and i lay them on top of oen another but yet,.the person has to be warm,body heat,........and im ussally always cold to the touch,......

soi i orderd a new one,.hopefully it will get here next week,.this one is thought really pretty bad,......
it has these small things come off it allt he time and they litterally get every wher,e all my clothes , my sheets all over the carpeting in the house,.......and the cord keeps comeing off in the middle of the night and eveyrhting goes cold quick,..and i wake up ,(eratic sleeping habits) .iits a digital bedford mills (DO NOT BUY THIS ONE) i looked for review only when seaching dor my new one,.but to no avail,......

so i got a sunbeam cordless version


ummm i think i coverd all the groipes for today (4am)

umm,. ,.ehh,..........hmmm,.........TADA<>.............the end

¶ 1/08/2004 04:03:00 AM //

the day i took pictures of the skyscape there was a thick plum of fog, and today i HAD to go out and pay bills and make deposits (my petty cash safe was overflowing) ,. also sent my parents a check for all the tickets i got while i borrow thier van,.......did i say borrow? more like it somehow ended up with me and 9 months later it went back,.

i got more in tickets than they paid for it,..but it comes in handy like you wouldnt belive! ive helpd 3 ppl move in it.
including miguel and it just seemed endless,...... and it even moved a few tonage of tree to thier house as well (they have a massive massiveyard and so when a tree falls in thier forest they use it as mulch,......thier effencency is a bit scarry,......

and then we discoverd another bank acount of my grandfathers,....got a seasons greeting form a bank in chindrard that tracked me down and it has i think 50 M usd,.. so i fwd the paper work to my parents and they will try to wire it out asap befor emy grandmother (wicked which of the west) find out,......in the last year she given away 150Musd (GIVEN AWAY!)
she went bat shit,......i ke;pt saying we should of killed her,.......aprently she wrote ous out of all the asets she knwos about,

its so fucked up she marrys in to a very high up family and she gives it all away to her old family,...and neglects the family who it rightfully belongs to! the fuicking crow, and then she bad mouths us,.i still dont know how she got in,.she looks like a monkey and the only reason we have saved the few accounts we did was becouse she cant read or write,.....

anyways,......so i went out, 19 degres in ny, i thought id freeze but it wasnt that bad,......i was wearing layers though,.
3 months in moscow and you will never ocmplain about the NY winters i supsoe (eveyrthing ehre is an extreme,.....the coldest winters the hotest summers)

went to post office and this guy fliped his lid beocuse his pakage was tloo big for any of thier envolopes and when i tried to offer a soulution he blew me off,......really pissed me off but i let it slide.

like i was saying though,........such a nice day you could see clear to jersey,.........bit of smog but the cold air really cleared everythign up,.and ,........no cam!,.....

my luck,

but next week it should still be this cold and migeul should be back,........so i can take my shot,.i hope.

stoped by the bakery,.........wow they are so cheap, new bakery ont he corner i got cheese cake before and it was medocire at best and a bit pricy (8usd for a somehwat small slice) but today i got 3 cheese danishes for less than 2usd! what a deal, so i tiped a buck,.....

got ice cream milk etc etc,.....oh eggs too! and cheese,.youd think iwas in the depression back form getting my rations (though fruit punch?)


meh im talking about nothing so its best i do nothng in fornt of the biggest ttv in the world (do a search for it on the page)

now off to let the radation take my problems away

¶ 1/07/2004 10:21:00 AM //

wow,........i went to the clark site becousei wanted to volonteer and shit,........they are all not there,

like a thousand cheerleaders who want you to drinkt he koolaid too,.......

i liek clark and all but im a bit mild mannored for that

AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME MR BAT SHIT CRAZY HIMSELF,................

ummm, so if he wins the primary (regester indapendant though) i will cerently vote for him and
here in my sanctuary i wave a small flag for him

i ended up not volontearing but donated a 1,000 usd

the least i could do . but no person should be forced to pay,...its sucha crouptable system

liek syaing i have mroe friends with more money,........etc etc etc

senater from NJ proved it is possible to buy and election, and bush proofed its possible to steal one

clark apeals to me as such a perosn of chractor intellagence integraty , and his idea on redifneing patritism,.......

i like it all, he spoke the most to me, and if he gets nominated i may give him a bit mor e(cant hit that 2,500 usd govt imposed limit though)

¶ 1/07/2004 04:02:00 AM //

shit i hate when blogger eats my posts,.........

anyways health problems,...the patch i mentioned my skin flakes,.......
well today i notice im misisng half my eye brow

i never really look ing the mirror and today i did,.......and gone,.plus i heave this red patch below
my right eye and its like a blotch,........a very thin membrain,......as though i could just press too hard and blood would gush out,.......as though my skin is decompasing in the bone,.......


teeth as well,.........ive found myself clenching them very tightly involentarly and as a result when i catch myself and stop, they
hurt when i stop,.......

umm so i hope id ont lose my teeth.,

my hair is also thinning,.......my mother side every one has very good hair too,.and i guess i used to.

but now im beigng to lose it (at 22)

she kept me young and now that im with out her i supose im aging quiclky,.......


have to go to the bank and call to make a deposit,...safe is getting a bit too full,......blah blah blah

so many good hsots for the 20 secand a i left the house today,.........b;lah blah blah

miss the digi

¶ 1/06/2004 08:25:00 PM //

i just fin my mexican and god dam is it good, god bless miguel for finding that place,

before i lived off of chineese food for a aentire mnth straight and got sick of it but,.pfft cook? NEVER (ok i did but still 2-3 a week fo chineese realy made me loath general tso)

but miguel found a really good italian place that delivers but really pricey (100usd+ but dleiverd)

he also found a sushi place thatd eliverd (ugh,...nto such a good place)

and a mexican place that dleiverd (umm but its sort of a combo chineese mexican place run by koreans) and they rod everything on the cheap but for 15usd a pile of pacos (4)


beef is my fva raw food,........

its been maybe 2 months and the only delivery ive orderd (delivery so convient espically int he winter)

ummmmm,.....right too many post for a day?

ive noticed by labtop takesa ashit when loading the page,......too much info i guess (5-10 mb?s)

i may only list 4-5 posts,...but that be like one dya in todays case (5am)

lalalalalalalala

¶ 1/06/2004 05:25:00 AM //

the title doesnt fit the show but meh,......i saw it yesterday on demand (may watch again tonight) the guys wife goes vamus,...and he went through alot of the dream like suqences i did when elizabeth left,.mines a bit mroe far fetched but her just hsowing up,.her calling,..etc etc etc,.....curius to see what happens,.

for some reason my page dopesnt like IE (mozilla person myself) i go over to check the incoming hits and sure enough most of them are IE (as wel live in a ie world) but me beaing a freak and all (love tabbed browsine, cant beilve i used a million windows prior) i never bothed to check,.im goign to confirm this whilist i heat up a taco (cant resist mexican food) and check on the think pad, since its on vaio is here but startup time,.ugh,.....

¶ 1/06/2004 04:17:00 AM //

This is My new toy,......a toaster!

no the camera,.....S400 ,......nice pic of camera bad pic of Kitchen,.....tisk tisk ,.eating coco puffs in the dead of knight,....

the photos this camera takes are amazing, crisp clear vivid, these are really very compressed and quality has sufferd yet you will still be able to tell for the most part how vivd they are,

if you would like i can email you full uncompressed images ,...

if you go through the older ones youc an see the huge jump i made. (pic of old camera may be in here somewhere as well

also so so so much easier to use than my Nikon SLR i paid X,000usd for and never used,
though in boston ti toolk some amazing photos of Elizabeth, the rest cam eout like shit,

i attribute it to her not the camera,......her grace lends it self to devices /electroncis as welll it seems

Ok now the kinks are out, the html is comeing back tome (been a few months) NEXT!






Ive always wante dto do macro and ppl say macro on this camera is bad but shit,.thats a magazine quality photo, and its nto a fluke ive taken hundreads,.

too bad my keayboard is a bit dusty,.....ive noticed everything is dusty,...but i have a policy of not touching or altering what im taking a photo of (but its cleaner now)

my griffen volume knob thingy,..it was disgusting too,.....but i love macro mode






Umm random picture,.landscape i supose,. its a bit out of focus,.....2 squirls playing over a feild of death,.....so inocent,.

Melisa said they were her fav. umm ive lost touch w/ her or i would fwd her some, this is one of a seris of many photos with there 2 squirls,.....(i should learn to spell should i?)







unamed thinkpad,.shit i relaly like my thinkpad,.......look so fucking govt! ,...and the built in lamp is great,....
i have pics of the Vaio it replaced ,.the vaio act so fucke dup now i dunno i spent so much on the batteriies and accories and it craps out,.

it has a much longer battery life (even though its older) but it weighs a ton of bricks, and well i broke the pci slot (mucho $ to fix)

i may have it loked at,.it looks old,......umm pics of it on here,....

lots of pics of the labtop none verygood, thus the best of the worst






how many cd's can one person have? there are hundreads of these piles disrupting my sanity around the house that i have ripped to the pc,.i may mentioned this,. but migeull has a new ride (no not post pics of it already post too many , you can already pretty much knock on my door as it is,....mr nipr.mil! fucking pice of shit govt panseys go fucking find bin laden and stop blaming me for the anthrax 9.11 and you inadaqedcies in bed with the mrs's(pardon therant)

umm yeah lik e i said my peace,......hundreads of these piles,...i wish i got in lower for the shot though,....pc i think was down so he couldnt get them doen before he went down to South America for a few weeks (im nto saying where exactly),......i may post a pic if they are nice,......umm no iwont its his vaca not mine,.....though if i was wiht the EU again and traveld nearly as much as i did then i would have millions (i must have loged millions of miles for them)





its so hard to live in NYC and NOT be bya tlest oen landmark (umm yeah ive got alot in the area),.((notice i say i as though i owned them,.........))





Htm,l is so much easier when i recall what the files are named instead of copying and pasteing,......

this was the only pic that came out half way decent,.the wind was really blowing and it was really cold,... so i had a real problem holding the camera still for more than a sec (digis have slow shutter speed sor osmething like that)

thats the place where thye shot MIB1 (not giving names) and int he distance the emprie state building, during the day you get the crhystel buildng as well






those who follow may know what this is,.it was a unintresting picture so i broke a rule of mien and inverted to colors,......

In this lies so much hope,..all my wishes ar eprofisied byt his to coem true,.i will see her again,......(my heart syas yes my head says no and my body suffers as a result)


how HTMl ,.i though ....oh it did take a hour,......well it was fun once i stared recalling the file names,...../ locations instead opf veiwing source code and going back and forth,.quick edit to the side bar and im done,..maybe some tv then ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz or work out,.... lets just hope it works,.(you wont hear the screaming unles syour in the tristate area if it doesnt work)









actually im impressed,.almost 50 pics only 2-3 megs,......or is that 20-30? meh still good maybe vids? maybe not
no 39 pics but shit only 2.5 megs! (considering 8 were orignally 2 ) thats great!

¶ 1/06/2004 03:18:00 AM //

right ,.its just a bitch ,.well not reall just time consumeing to do photos so here is a update, after editing the photos to a resonable size (from 2mb each to roughly 120k)

also earthlink is so fucking slow when it comes to hosting,.

i also use there editor becouse they wont let me dive straight in to the messy html, and argh its so dumbed down and so so so slow ,...(im bitching while im waiting)

also you cant just uplaod,
1.upload
2.rename (sop fucking redundant) plus you haver to label the extention too
3. ar eyou sure?
4. really you want it that big?
5. why not like this?
6.where?
8. one moment please (3minutes on broad band for 120k)

yelling to myself is making my mouth dry,....meh

argh now they are getting croupt it seems...umm never midn just ssssssslllllllllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwww (welcome back to 1995)

i just got cookies and water,.....(choclate chip soft bake,.umm sound better than they taste)

now i wonder if earthlink would have reduced the size as well,.....too late now

dishwasher turned on,..and yet i heard it,.even with the super duper silent mode and bose qc1 head phones (ye si knwo silly me my head phones cost mroet han my ipod)
so off it goes,..3 am still its not done,..... you dont need pictures do you?....i should say do i,.only i read this,.....

why is it im the only one who really liekd these headphones? though im always reacting to shit out of the conrer of my eye when wearing them and lookign at refelctions becousein a sence it makes me deaf.

you know music is nto really important to me,.peaple ask how it oculd be and meh it is,.i can easily go without it,.but im listieng to load right now and i forgot how good it was,....
shit its so so so much more refined than st. anger,.ahhh thats the multi million tallica studio quality im used to,.....if i want tthrash loud raw,....well thats what the live compalations are for (They knwo this as thye have only a million+ of them)
i guess this will eb apost unto itself i supsoe,......

halfway done,.....

on the last one,..then the half hour of html and voila 10 hours later i bring you 8 pictures! (this is seeming less and less gratifing)

err up what if i just linked to the pages? no no too much of a anal asshole to myself to do that,....


uploading is done,......now i can get in to it (html) this atlets ai understand,...............sort of

¶ 1/06/2004 02:46:00 AM //

When iw as with Elizabeth I anted nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with her, so my fantasies involved wakeing her up getting her ready for the lab , , making breakfast, bringing her lunch,.suprising her, maybe flowers. I had always also hoped she would live iwht me in NY ,.just if for nothing lese the florist is close, so I could bring her home flowers once a week,..

One that I recalled that jared this thought was one of cars,….
We would have 2 ,.a Merc s600 maybe 430 , and a big H1 old school hummer
And we would have custum plates,.maybe wify and rickito? Or lizzy and rickito?

And that she would get the hummer and me the merc yet everyday I would take the truck and people would start calling me lizzy,…and iw ould explain hopw she really wanted
To take the car,.(yet I would be the one who would take the truck) later she said she liked the h2 better,.umm shes a princess so who was I to deny her her dreams (H1!)

With me shopping for a new merc it got me to thnking,.

I really miss her,…

Topic 2!

I may have mentioned I got a incredible s400 digi cam, and it’s a bit too much work to upload pics,…also the resolution is a bit too high for the page but you see im targeting the 1600by 1200 audience (myself)
(the camera takees much higher rez)

so im going to back track and upload a few pics as of now my camera is in South America (loaned my baby out with out even naming it,..)

as soon as I relized it was gone I saw so so many shots I could have taken but its gone and I should use the old 1.2mp but well,….there are pics on here form that camera and ill post a few from the new one,…and you can see for your self

on secand though im just going to post them here in the next post.

If it wasn’t for the files beign so so big I would post more,(avge 2 mb each)

Kiss my free space good bye.

¶ 1/06/2004 02:30:00 AM //

I gave up on ever seeing her again, hearing her sweet voice tasteing her sweet lips touching her soft skin, never agaibn to be linded bvy her beauty,

im not supersticius, but i look for sighns,.......

i stilcan't eat blue m&m's i still save them for her,but then again i havent had many sweet as of late,

so i reach to the bottom of the tub full of blue m &ms tempted to eat one, blinded as my hand is totally submerged and i ask god i may a plea for help that i may see her again and i ask if i will and if so let it be red (mind you its a tub of blue ones) and full expecting a blue one i see a red one come out ,.....i hit the ground and start prayoing, i never pray but here i was filled with a glipse of hope that i would and i prayed, took the m&m and saved it,.....to be bewilderd by why i saved a red m&m some other day and i almost broke down and started sobbing, but i controled myself and somehow made it through,.

had to write it or id forget it,.......marked and documentd the evdince, the evidence of hope,

to the vault with it ,.aumungst the deeds the stocks and bonds assorted currencies shall lie this one red m&m ,

hope above all hopes that what it fortold come true soon,.......for my own sanity sake that it may again one day return to me, and that i may become hole again, to be loved again, to love again, to be myself again, the version which i miss, the version i regonized, the version that had such a magnificent creature by his side.

"Cannot stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, hes gone " - J.Hetfeild


to be me again

¶ 1/05/2004 05:58:00 AM //

I really miss elizabeth now,.......i always miss her but,....if she wasnt so amazing, so perfect so precius, it wouldnt be so hard, then again i wouldnt have been so in love with her,......

You ask em the defention of perfection and i will show you a picture of her.
most pictures are worth a thousand words, her pictures are worth infinitly more

i was in shock the 1st time i saw her,.....


i'm tempted to even dirve down ands stake out her place but,....that may scare her, howeveri recall when my parents got seprated once upon a time my father did something of the sort and confronted my mother,......i got to spend the day with him etc etc etc

but ill get shot before her father would have me anythign to do with her,....

and i keep haveing to remind myself, it was a one way st. for no matter how much i loved her, she did not love me, simply the idea of being in love.


right so ive gone over the daily retoric,..

hallucinations,

i dont have them as im going to sleep anymore,.rather i see alot out of the corner of my eeys which isnt nearly as bad, but i still find myself ocasinally doing sweep sof the house with the machine gun,...just to be sure, if i wasnt trained to be so paranoid i may nto be

dreams

i cant remamber it all becouse i forgot to wqrite it down,....

but we were on a escort mission, either prisinors or protecting osmeone, i gues sit was a banquet but i cant recall what everyone was wearing, maybe soemthing more like a VFW hall, (vetrens of forign wars) and either xsomeone escaped there was a multiple party attempt ont he life of the person we were protecting,. a few of them subdude and i cant recall how but one of the persons handcuffed and seated had my gun and so i reached in to his jacket and got it,.....shit no clip somereason the guy who cuffed him took the clip,....i went in to a freezer and i yelled for whoever was in there to come out,... one guy came out ,..poor looking guy but it was huge vast and dark no lights, i yelled again for them to com eout i saw movment on top of the freezing unit (freezer inside a freezer) i yelled again that they dont want me coming in becouse i would shoot first ask questions later, the one guy was sort of freakign but i didnt htink he was involved so out comes this guy with the biggest fucking handgun ive ever seen (revolver not a magnuim but goldish futerstic looking, and so i saw freeze and hes seeming to try to get off a shot and iwant to shot ut i haveno bullets so i duck around the door and he swings out and tries to shoot the guy that handcuffed the inital person so i grab the revolver by the chamber so as to stop it form turning and its making a whilring noise liek its jammed (but since ive got it byt he chamber i knwo it wont get off a shot) i then procee to pound him with my free hand to the face (left hand) and i wake up,.......

or doi? (no no i did)

dont knwo what to think of it,....blah

Miguels off to south america tommarrow,i offerd to drive to the airport.

hope to get back some nice shots.

etc etc etc

¶ 1/05/2004 01:51:00 AM //

right right so i know i dont need one but i couldnt help but go window shoping, it seems so trite, so , avont giuard so superfical,........but they are really nice,

Mercedes of Greenwhich

so how much is a maybach? if you have to ask you cant afford it

so umm can i pick it up tommarrow? nope even if you put cash downtoday 4-5 months as every car is a custum job,

why in CT and not NYC? thousands if nto tens of thousands in tax savings (though luxery tax is still a bit ...ouch)



i mentioned i wanted a s350 turbo disel,.....then i started looking at the s600, then the AMG,.

and well im spoiled (myself nto by others) so the maybach.

I did the numbers and i figure low 7high 6 figures for one, ..
and maybe another 100,000 usd for aftermarket bullet proofing , titanuim skid plates etc etc

Elizabeth would stil get her 25 M usd after i died ,
and i would still have mroe than enough to last me till 70
although with all the health problems i have i wont see 23


originally iw as goign to save from scratch and buy only a top shelf benz,.
(about 160,000 usd after diplomatic pakage etc etc)

its 8 am now,.........



im thinking about getting a job,.....but for a nonprofit, i dont mind making less than average.
money was never important (and yes ive been homeless so i knwo what it is to be without)

its been years,....i mean not what i do now ,....btu a real job as in 9-5 (odd hours work better)

i have a resume that only state depts and intellegence agencies are apealed by but,....


oh i did apply for one a few months ago,. no kill animal shelter, it was fairly close by too,....
my last documented job was 7 figures a year,......they couldnt figure out why i would go from
earning 1,000 usd + an hour to 7usd a hour,.l i told them as long as i had neough for gas money and lunch i was happy,

they never calle dme back though,......i did leave a good size donation though.

blah blah blah

only shallow me today,.......

oh on a side note,,... i never go to craigs any mroe but i couldnt sleep (henc eim up) and i went and read random posts,.

and there is this "charactor" which i saw a few years ago and he was homeless, etc etc typical sob story,.but i felt sorry for him,........and so i thought i could maybe use a live in maid (this was the exchange he was offering) even though the place is pretty much spotless and is failry low mantince,.

so i offered hima place, and holy shit, he was a NUT i never met up with him but 1st he thought i was crazy then he wanted stats form me , i wante dhim to pass a backround check (after all yank the van goh from the fireplace and hes set for a good 10 years) ,......he siad he had no ID ,. so i said he wouldnt only need his finger sof r abiometirc scan (if you have mozzilla do a search on biometric ont the main page, i love biometric security systems,.......thermal biometric is just so uuuuuuuuuu and ahhhhhhhhhhh)

so i waned pepale and went on my life,.(he was very demanding for a poor little homeless guy)

so im reading random posts,.........i used to liek the home impvment and housing sections,

and i se ehim posting,.........everyone see shim form a mile away yet he continues,.......
meh i dunno. but the part that relaly bothers me is how many times he chnages his name and offers his "services"
and how many peaple claim hes given them a STD,.....

now if that nto death penalty worth what is?

but back to me me me

i want a maybach 62 ,......so ummm if anyone is reading (i dont think anyone does read exept the one person who doesnt mark the page and looks it up on freeserve.com from the UK ,.. email me and ill teach you about surfing via anonimity))

if anyoen is reading who knows of a late model maybach , preferable under 350K usd that itake delivery of ASAP (low miles if used) please od let me knwo, ill pay llist + a finders fee)



now me being as i am if i get a reply it means buy it if i dont it means go back to plan A (s350 turbo diseil)

¶ 1/03/2004 08:16:00 AM //

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

¶ 1/02/2004 05:06:00 AM //

i used to have so much to live for,
but when you live for soemthing/someoen other than yourself, i always thought it to be honerable,
but you run the risk of that person elaveing (or that item being destoryed)

my life is a vacum of nothing ness,..just blah,...

2 or 3 post downs is when i relized death would finally catch up with me this year and,..
i may have mentioned it but if i live,..sure i can watch tv and play video games,.etc etc
see if the israils or palastiniens ever work things out(not in my life time most probibly)

but i have NOTHING to look fwd to,.i thought maybe mexican food tonight,...(its 4 ish int he am)

my life is minute meaningless,....i could vanish and no one would notice,.

umm wait,.that isnt really the point as i dont care ,.as a matter of fact i like goign unoticed,.
i get away with more,.

but my point is that there is nothgn i am passinate about nothing i cherish (elizabeth
does not coem in to these equasions as its very unlikly she will ever come back, we will ever meet again or
i will ever get over it)

pfft,...im sort of looking fwd to get my new top shelf merc/ maybach but,.
matieral possesions,....i can go without it and the only reason i am lookign fwd to it is its the only thing oin my plate,.....

i pordered a new blanket,.wes clarks new book as well as a few others,..



but my typical day in which i dotn work (atlest 20 days a month)

is tv,. few movies,...food /eating/ maybe quick workout,/ junkfood/ pills that ar emore likly killing me than helping me
sleep,...

and that it, there is NOTHING else, bit of stimulating mindless conversation with miguel/ guessing which simpsons episode will entail what before the other can, but,..
that more so out of boredom as well,.


iot makes me sick to my stomach (litterally) that i have nothing, i used to be so fulfilled, so ethusiatic, so hopeful, and now,....
one day melts in to the next and the days turn in to months, i look fwd to the 1st but only becouse i get paid,...
i look fwd to the 15th only becouse the month is half over,..

waking up is so trite,...i serisuly dont know how so many peaple do it,...

maybe if i got a 9-5 job? (ha not in this economy) the logic being if im in the rat race againb i wont have time to notice my nothignness,


one can only play so many video games watch so many movies, eat so much candy,...

candy has lost its sweetness yet i still do out of habbit, (though i had chips for a change,..)

movies have lost thier apeal becouse i see so many inacuracies and bad technical advising it ruins the movies, adn the love stories never move me,.for a few reasons,
1. i lived a great love story,.the kind that base these movies on wo derful pasinate romantic, funny ironic, beutiful, aw inspring
2. they alwasy have happy endings,.mines ,....well its been almost a year,...i think next month? febuary it wil be a year,.

it still hurts. i dont belive recovery is in my lifetime.



my 300 gig hd is goign bat shit,...(maxtor, wehilsit the 120 gig wd's are working flawless)




once upon a time all i wanted to do was settle down,......and with elizabeth,..
i was ready to buck trends , move far far away and do just that with her,....but no,.

and now that i have seen the greener grass on the other side,....i never want to go out again.
i dotn want to enter in to these agreements with arranged marraiges and such i cant i wont.

i look at ever one in my family, and not one couple seems happy,......not a one.

they all argue or drink (Wel men drink the women spend like imoeny is goign otu of fashion,
one perpetuating the other,.....IE my uncle came home with a bottle of jack danials, then my aunt came home with a new Bently and
Porche suv , then my uncle went out and got a cae of johnny walker,.......and so it goes )

sure i pass the time down but,....what about 5 years form now?,.....still doign the same shit?

day in day out,.......my life drags on,.....like the never ending sumemr vacation your stuck inside,....


but i asked for this,......

after elizabeth left me,.iw as in such terrible pain, i would stab my self with what ever was around me,.be it a hobby knife, a pen a kitchen knife, andything i could find ,.
a phisical pain i culd understand to save me form the crippling emotinal pain, and now,....the ehart still hurts but,....everythings been numbed,.
isolation,......

sleep has become a frantic effort, to aide in the passing of the time btu i sleep like a SF solider,.lay down to sleep for maybe 8 hours but i get up ever 5 mintues and go back to sleep,.
like sleeping with one eye open,....slightest sound and i dive for my sidearm,.


i need for my life top be fulfilled,......as it was when iw as with elizabeth,.

only then can i ever hope to become whole again,..

before her sure soemthign seemed missing but i never knew what it was to be fulfilled, thus it didnt matter, and when she came in, she ,.was ,.amazing
i pushed everything out of my life but her, the end result being that when she left i was even less of a man than when she came in to my life.

please god,......shwo me the way,.....show me a solution,.
save me from my misery.

¶ 1/02/2004 04:20:00 AM //

Mario

If I happen to come across his name on a list,…….i may even volontear and do it for free.

I never trust,……so why did I trust him when he said she was in frace,.becosue I thought he had nothing to gain .

It never dawned on me to look in CA,…..so it was france,…..

In your realty,……well I don’t know ive never been there,.
But in mine ,…information is vital, access to information is vital,.and if your on the outs you have to fight your way in, and if your in you have to do unspeakable things.

I happen to be in the position of knowing low people in high places and a favor gets you access, but nothing gets you the facts.

So based on the tips she was in france,……I did things for information,..unspeakable things,…..to men woman and yes even children,…I did things that even nicaruagian death squads would turn down due to the sheer cruelty,….im wanted in 5 different countries because of what I did to gain access to this database,…(well,.one of them sort of went defunct so 4) because why do a clean job when you can buy the cop on the beat.

Ive commited crimes against humanity and war crimes in the double digits for access,.

Based on the fact I was looking for a scintist in france,.at the pastaier institute in biomedical field,…

When I said so many years ago I would do anything for love I would do anything for her,.i ment it and,….i carried it out,…

I had the choice to repress the memories or,….never look at myself again,….i did both.

Ive done thingsi n the past even when I was with her,……but those were all work related,

Those I justified ,…..

And the week after she left,. those were out of rage ,.i took on work,….i took out my hate
But I still hate,.i will always hate myself,…I can never forgive myself.

The things I did to find her,…… those got me sent to hell forever,. I used to work in the system,…..those there is a system, a shit list in place,…..to find her I was solo, I worked for the system and the rouges and I was vengeance for hire ,….

Why? I did it for access to information, and after the piles of bodies could grow no higher the cases of ammunition spent, the job done,……SHE WAS UNDER MY FUCKING NOSE! She was in CA,.
She was at my finger tips and now gone,…..

She is not coming back, she will never come back,

Thank god she does not know what happen,…

If not for alex,…….i would have continued,…seeking in france,.

Now as for Mario,…..

Like I said I repressed,……but as I was making coffee I recalled ,…I had cut my self a gushed on to freshly grounded beans,……and it came flooding in what I did in south America,…….for information in france,……for a Russian organization,…for a Spaniard /girl living in mexico,…. For Elizabeth

And now his disinformation,….has cost the lives of many ,…jobs that no one would take and would have been left undone,……..i did,…

Part of me is tempted to excise my revenge on him,……..part of me ,…laughs at myself,..who was I kidding, she was not going to even speak to me if I find her,..

I could have called Mexican intelligence and have her tailed, have her cars followed planted a gps device,…….anything, but I needed men on the ground a insider, I thought he was it but,……..aperently not so.

So a little bird told me what I pursume is the truth,…..

But killing him,………torturing,….mutilating,….

Where would that get me?

I would still hate myself,
And still be without her.

and never again would my heart skip a beat

Hwoever,……if I see his name on a list, he will have no custumairy warnings,

As a matter of fact I will offer a freebie granted I can do it my way,.



Now,……..if I can ony figure out if im awake or asleep,.

¶ 1/01/2004 05:37:00 AM //