what would you give to know your rank in the pecking ordeR? unfortunitly mines is all to obviuse when jessy comes by,

so its the holidays and i took a week and ran away,.....went to CT later to RI, and i was hopeing to France , (but that wont be neccery)

As soon as he comes in the door,....parents go jessy this and jessy that,......and on it goes and i know im at the bottom,
but thats family,.......there is an expression to the effect of we cant even come under your nose,.......its doesnt translate well, but its ment that we are but lower class peaple who can not even come in your viceinity, and that is how i am to the family,.......thus i am aperntly spending thanksgiving as i most likly will every year,.......no turkey (becouse it was given away to a food bank) and alone,...(becouse i cant deal with the the agitiation of last minute changes at whose house the hall will be, and the fact that thier defention of turkey seems to change every year,.......also the pressues of getting married, are a bit much,....its something i may actually mow down a few peaple ,.or take one person and make an example,...)


and so i knew this was an inevitablility so i got tickets to go to france,...........to look for elizabeth as i do failry often,.
but dont really write about much ,.......

but about that later,.

right now im comming to the relization that almost all my friends have died,......i attend more funerals than i do weddings (hence i go to any wedding a freind invites me to be it ever so far) out number dwindle,.........i had dozens of freinds in this one circle (to my left) and since i left the agency,.......easiy 30 have died in the past year,... all young peaple,. etc etc

but i had this once circle,.....only peaple in the circle got to knwo what was on my mind, only in that circle was i ever truly myself (as i imagine he would be, but i cant be sure) and that person,.......left,.

now france,..............pastier instatue,...........she was never there,..........here i have been spending tens of thousdands, easily ove 100,000 usd,.......flying to france, looking for her,....making arangments and,........she was never there,.

she was in san fransico within my finger tips,.........but no longer now i assume either columbia or back to mexico ,...

the truth of it all is,.....im about as important to her as a basketball is to an air show,..........im not she strong ive kept this no secret,.

what gets to me is,.....i cant be sure but i think we broke up in april,........well no rather she left me in one fatal swoop (as is the nrom for your feeme fatal) and i heard from alex,.........a x boyfreind of hers and,...they started goign out in march,......... but i hold no grudges,.......the old me would have made calls and pulled up outside his house with a 20 man entry team and cordinated soemthing with local down there,.......maybe even a chopper and go all black ops. ,........but i dont have the energy any more,......the only person im mad at is myself,. i only have enough hate for me,.......

the fact remains,
she is stronger than i am,.thus for this reason i will never see her again,...........but i try,.
till my roldex finally empties, ive called in all my favors and my bank account runs dry (well ok it is dry you get the point,.resources and all)


so shes alive,..............and well,.........and aperently moved on already,.....i wish her a wonderful life she deserves it,
the only think i supsoe that would set me off is if anybody did soemthing to her,.......besides that the calvary is out to pasture,.....

¶ 11/27/2003 07:09:00 PM //

nothing really happens to me, thus notheing ever new to write,........so ill talk about my fav. subject which breaks my heart evrytime i think/write about it,...Elizabeth

i was casually thinking about nothing of portance and i recalled how she would keep a diary,.but then only to destroy them in fear that soemoen may read them,.
i thought it was so incredibly sad,..she was such a talented writer, such incredible ideas the likes of which normal person on the street coulnd not even being to comprhend let alone contrive, she,.
was such a rebal in her works,......she was perfect,.....even when i was with her i would think of what a beutiful person she was,.......and i would start to cry,....

she is amazing,


now my $ woes,.i should never have any beocuse when i do its all gone,........this months alone ive spent over 10,000 usd! fucking aye! thats why i keep the security deposits out in rhode island, where i cant touch them,......well i mean ,.to be honest i just did maybe 3 k worth of grocery shopping ,.(7 carts) as the van has to go back and somehow ,.....its always liek this,.im 30 usd in debit,.

i got so many toys though,......simpsons and manhunt are goign stright to CT,....as i will be there for the next few weeks,......bit of a vaction form NYC, well its not liek a work,

i got lord of the rings today,.........elizabeth,.is sort of like arwen,.or was,....romantic beutiful (she sort of looks like liv but more so like jennifer love hewitt,.umm you know timeless goddess looks,....)
im onlya hour in and its about 3 hours 40 minutes,.....

another obeseravationa bout the grocery shopping,........yes after filling the pantry the freezer (yet the fridges seems oddly empty) there is nothing to eat!,....so i just poped a pill to kill the pains,...

i saw elf,.i laughed,.i dont think im used to laughing (oh i loved the 4 hoursmen refrence and yes,...NYPD mounted police in riot gear are very VERTY scarry looking,.....black clacks battons formed liek swords,.think caraphrats in the modernage,......evil / cool looking) so i laughed and i dont think my body is used to it becouse i letterly felt parts of my body shutting down,...and really sharp paines to the chest,....the paines started up again wehen i was doign the recepts for the month to date as well,.......all busness needs to be taken care of before vacation,....

but all of a sudden ill just start coughing and i cant seem to get air and everything will start to fade,...

paines to the chest are ntohing new,.the shutting down of systems is,..occasinally a large portion of my bodyt will go numb,.cant feel a thing and no its just not it falling asleep,......

i dont know what i want nay more,.......i want elizabeth thats all im sure of but how to tell soem=one you love them when you dont know where they are is very hard, and ive flown to varius places with no luck,.

i miss her,........she completed my life and then she became my life and no i hjave no life,........she was my best freind,....perhaps my only true freind,....but in the end we get ,.bullshit, im a good person,
i help when i can, open doors for little old ladies, and yet i get the shaft,....

having all the beuty in my life taken away form me, has aged me and made me bitter,.

now just leave me to die,........alone

¶ 11/18/2003 05:36:00 PM //

about a week after the seemingly (though doubtly) inevitable hit me,......

i thought about placeing a personal,..its just so hard trying to sell myself liek a pice of meat though,

but i did, and was suprised to say the least at teh response, and i even replied to 2 or 3, which 2 got back to me,.....
suprised to say the least,......but i didnt attach apicture becouse im nto lookign for romance or love, ebcouse im still in love,.

just human interaction i supose,........someone new,.

and so after getting the replies i uincluded 2 pictures,.umm not my best but myself none the less, no glamuer shots,.
like i have been getting,......

and not to be suprise but dismaying noen the less,.....the emails stoped,........across the board,... not even a"i dont see it workign out" so its not enough to want freinds, but it seems to be important to want good lookign freinds,....

and its not like i would say im myself ugly,a nd ive had my share of ocmplaments i supose,.....even thgouh i dont see it,.

but yes i have 2 strokes against me,
1. the pictures
2. in flushing,

i try to make the point of not mentioning i "own" becouse in NY the majority rent, and the minority that "own" are only the snobs,...which im not,.....im actually really poor,..........but on paper,........well i look like one of the minority,.

also it comes down to, live like a rat in the heart of it all, or liek a lordship 30 minutes form the heart,.

to be blunt i have a massive amount of space and all the creature comforts but im removed,.
hometheaters the likes of which can be foudn in theaters, fully stocked kitchen garbage disposal/dishwasher washer dryer, a room for everythign a in house gym etc etc,........and to the outsider im in "NYC" but to the person who knows,......well exactly,

this brings me to the roomate rotaion,.......
josh is moving out to no suprise, for a while iw as waiting on when to place the new ad but now it just seems a bit scary,..
i mean its just so much work and espeically when its cold out,....

thank god i have no huge bills due, i can get him back his depostit, etc etc etc,

im burning cd's liek a feinds now, trying to get everythign a bit mroe orginized,.......
watching peter(jennings) on the new bigscreen (liek i said worlds biggest tv )

i feel really sick though,. i mean i was sick and i found some nyquill and 2 hours later,......i was actually better but now the nose is much better but i feel really sick to the stomach,.could be the rejection,.......could be the cold,........roomate hunt, not sure,........my head is just spinnning though,.....

well back to the cd's i upose,....oh yes and i found a way to rig my labtop to work,.
20lb grade legal paper and umm,.well yes it now seems to work, oh 70% of the time,.wireless internet that is,




all and all,........im really disapointed,.......but ive made it no secret that NY is such a shallow place, even when looking for simple freindship.

well,.....i best prepair myself for the lonly world,.....it s what i deserve for being compramising.

¶ 11/07/2003 04:34:00 AM //

you .gov/.mil peaple frewquent more so thani would say anyone else,

so stop it, ,

go find sadam, or even bin laden and let me be,

pfft silly suits

¶ 11/05/2003 10:56:00 AM //

I feel maybe 10 folds better than I didi before,…..well than I did durign the last post and ive been a propper slacker about not keeping up ,.ids say the # x reason why blogs fail (im not a expert by any messure of the imagination thus “X”)

I think im going to start spell checking as well,..as for grammer,…….that takes though and effort,……..so noda,

Anyways so where to start,…….the pill,…..the red one (no matrix jokes please)

She gave me this novelty pill that turned in to a heart,…..her grandfather gave it to her, he was a doc. And she seemed to like it very much so and gave it to me,……..it did a propper melt job when she did, and I had foind something else so I thought id place the items under the suchion in the case with the pill and hide it all, but to no avail there was already soemthing there,……….badndages,

Bandages,…..when I was last in bostonw ith her I had cut myself pretty badly,….umm let me back step here,………

We were misbehaving and I had the fan on and she was getting cramps thus she wanted socks (it was very cute how she said this/ her socks in genreal,….wlel her ankles,……feet,……….umm she was perfet lets move on) and she wore sandles (im nto going to go in to it but perfect she is the single most cutest fatalist perect what have you that is within existance in god creation and beyond) and so I reache xcin to my bag but I brought candles a romantic sentiment I guess but the glass had all broken and it was dark , as she was self ocnsiuse (no idea why as her body was that of a fitness model/goddess and she was ummm,….hourglass) and as I reached in and shovled my hand around out came my hand bloddy and gorged with shrapnel form the broken shards of glass stuck in,..i toook them out imporvoised a bandage,…..lol she still wanted her socks but I said im sorry no socks, though I knew I had them it was not work it at that point,
The next morning she knocked on my door greeted me warmly and layded next to me ,.well sat I layed as I was very tired and held her close when she gave me,…….bandages,

I melted, I knew then I should toss aside any miniscule of reserve and give my self,

So I broke when I saw these and I looked at pictures of her and,…….almost like closure what I thought would happen didn’t,……the pain greatly subsidesd, this is not to say that there isnt any left, hwoever,……I feel 10 folds better,..

No where near what I felt when I was with her (wonderful) but the blank nothness that was once my life no regonized seeps back in like a thick unstopable fog, and replaces some of the pain torment and anger, and I hope to drown myself in it to be opain free,
It just hurts,.no better way to describe it , like walking around with a knife struck in my chest,……….no she didn’t backstab, shes too honerable, too decent a person for that.

One day I will be able to stop feeling, and that’s the day I will be cured

Then well the tv thing ruined me,………I went to japals US based family home and there tv int here great room,……….massive,…..and I wanted a projector and by some fluke a guy I know found a few bigscreens that fell of a truck in the harbor,……..

Or fell off a ship whatever,……

And by some fluke I went to check it out,.it was rianing got lost a few times hydroplaned a few times wiper fell off the van but,……….i made it,. And I saw it and thoguht thye were,…….meh ok,……..so I left a deposit even got it dlevered (had to rent a 14 ft. flatbed though ) heres the thing,……..it was either get it by the 1st or nto at all,
And I plunges and purged neglcted a few obilgations beged for rent early and got it,

But I paid a week early the deposit and didn’t have the $ so I begged josh for early,….he failed and miguel too as back up,.and between the both I got enoughfor the units with just enough left over for take out.

I tiped a bit heavy at dleivery it had some paint but very well taken care of its name was sammntha , the only thing I really know about it is it’s the same model that paramount uses in their provate screening rooms,…….and when I sat down and watched it for the 1st time it exceeded all expectations,……….oh wait let me backstep

I didn’t get allt he $ till the day in question and my sotmach was turning but as soon as I got josh’s well I felt ebtter becouse miguel is a rock very reliable, a model person if I msut sya so myself. And with his share, and I finally had enough,.then there was a lot with the truck nto fitting through the midtown tunnel etc etc.

Also momnent before it got here,……shti where to puyt the opther one! The 36” wega?

Bhut it all sort of worked out althoguh thew frotn room is now looking like a radio shack display with all the tv’s the lviing room is out and out impressive.

It’s a massive 72” wide screen sony grand wega with old dislapy,……OlD!
(organic liquid display) these blow lcd/plasma so far out of the water its nto even funny.
Ok it is but such a wave of calm came over me when I paid the guy toipped the fdelvery guy and had it all hooked, it’s a bti hard getting used to and it actually gave the living room so much more space,…..well a bit more but unusable,…. As it doesn’t have the stage that the old 36 did and its even thinner,

Keep in mind though the 36” is hdtv and all the bells and whistles too bad it will all still go to waste in the front room, thus im hopeing to have soemthng set up soonish,

Atlest a ps2 lan party type thing so 2 ps2 in sync,

This means a flight problem with the 32” sony wega in the computer room which gets bumped to my parents house I guess and then the 25” which I guess josh’s room? I dunno I made the offer. Right now its used as a table for the fax machine/ secure line and extra printer. (jessy has a really nice laser job)

The fornt room is very congested now,……actually so is the computer room with the moniter/pc on the floor. The main pc though looks might y nice,

No ikea though as I cant really afford it now,…..100,000usd + in the last 2 months is way out of porprtune with what I should be spending as I am unemplyed afterall.


But I feel better (nto to be cunfused with good) and now I have a real propper theater,…….
Come summe ri may really aspire to get hat THX cert on the set up (right now its just the allt he equipmnet is thx calbrated and certified nto the set up it self alth0guh I did use their hand book) which beans new hvac system, maybe theater lgithing etc etc


Also anotherdown side is its sucha huge tv its totally blocked the bay windows,……..meh it s trade off I supose.

So yeah all in all I feel better,………..not good , but nto as sucicidal either,.

But really my life has no real point, I need someone good in my life to me, for me, in order to be good good,……….if that makes sence, and thus i was considering maybe a ad? Maybe trying to find someone?

Melisa was a girl who really intrigued me, but I supsoe maybe just becouse she was my type and I was considering trying to dig up gher address,………..but umm, well shes the one who ignored me ,.so maybe not,.i dunno,……

Need to cal japal to make arrangments with him to do something…..hes sort of nice,.btu really cool person all iand all,.the smart liberal type,.

Oh yes ps2 on the tv is GREAT,

Umm I ahgvent been sleeping well latly, l;ots of dreams, so I can only get 3 hour s a t a time it seems, but hey its not like I work or study , I just leech off (well no one I guess just dop nothing)

Speackign of nothing….
Lalala,…….off to save the world from the evil GLA (games)

¶ 11/03/2003 05:32:00 AM //