i was born in to thisw world alone, i enjoyed being on the outside looking in,.....sometimes laughing to myself,
most times being laughed at,......but i didnt mind,

iw as content,......as an outside,.....alone,...then she came along and i never wanted to be with out her,......
i neevr wanted to be alone again if i could be with her,.....and for years i wasnt alone,.i was histaticly happy,
i even showed her off to everyone,....she was mine,......well i never said that nor implied it as i always said she could be
with whomever she wanted,........had i know she wouldh ave left me,.....i would have held tighter , kissed longer,.....
and brought a camcorder? no,.maybe not ,....i say this now but,.......every time i did hug her (minus the 1st time)
i did as hard as i could with out thinking i would crush her,.......and i kissed her everytime as though i ment it,

and every time i told her i loved her,.....i searched my soul to see if i did,.....and only if 100% sure i told her,
and this was on a bi minute basis,........and she recerpricated,....

untill the day she stoped,......just like that,........she stoped loving me,......she did not want me,....
she dested and hated me,.........she refuses to even aknolage my existance,....

and i have no other outlet other than this blog to tell how i feel,.....

after all,.........the personw hom i shared everywith left me just a day after i expressed my need for her,....
i told her i felt so lonley,...........that i need to be in her arms, to be comforted by her to feel her warmth,.

and she in turn left me alone for eternity,...

thats why all i have is this blog,.....becouse im alone and no one to share my feelings with.


and for the 2nd segemnt it this pitiful post,

so im going to france,.......

wait form the top,....

miguel has some freinds over, .umm so in my room again,.
i could go down and watch the movie too but mmm, no its ok,...

i feel almost like an embarasment,.....the propper slacker roomate,.
plays ps2 and is failry uneducated,.

umm,

my brother,.
hes got a swank new powerbook and thus hes giving me his dvd burner AND a ipod,...
ummm this is also wierd,.him i know i embarase,..... he is my younger brother giving me
gifts? seems odd

we rodvouz the weeknd of the 12th,

it makes for a hectic weekend ,.......ill start form the top of the itenerary,

originally i was supose to be in conneticut on the 7th,.
but since i meet jessy on the 12th out there,...
well i postphoned it till the 10th,

but then i get a call form rhode island ,. a freind is taking his yaht out for the year and wants
one last hurah before its put in storage,.....and hes threantening to drag me out,.
thus now ont he 10th, i say to the folks, steal a better car form them (i'm hoping to get the aston martin)
and head out to RI then party till the 11th (well not party but meet old freinds again )
then back to CT on the 12th,..but nope

i get a call from a good freind who moved to france (as thats where the un transferd him)
and he's getting married,.originally he wanted me to be best man and i couldnt,
then he wanted to use the island elizabeths familia ones off the spanish rivera,

but 2 things,
1. it was ot be like a party on the way to the wedding on the boat ride form the french rivera,
lieka hour,.....coktail hour,....so he was to use yahts form freinds but one would be suited better,
but with a party of 2500 some odd ppl we firgured we would need a cruise liner,
thus the logistics didnt work out int he end
2. i no longer no where she is,.......as much as i wish i did, nor do i have any contact with her family,
nor wouyld i make such a request of her parents that hate me so much.

i havent been a good freind so i said no can do,...
but its the sunday of the 12th,.......
so the plan is take the martin the night of the 11th to logan
hope over to paris , arrnage a car and dirver before hand,
see the kids exchange rings give them a gift (maybe 5kusd? i cant afford it no matter what it is bti abotu this later)
then right back to paris to hope a flight at logan moto down 91 to 95 then to meet my brothe r(before midnight?)
then back to NYC before th 14th,.........

im exusted just thinking about it.

now the fiscal portion fo the blog,

jessys dvd burner saved me but maybe the ipod doomed me,.
accories are sort ofd a must for me, btu thank god the case has a ieee port,(beast)

the electirc bill came in at 1600usd! fuck me what i turned on i have no idea (while sitting in a room with 10-15 lgihtbulbs on high),.......umm maybe ill turn them off,.

then the amount i overspent becouse shopping,.pfft there go all the security deposts,

then my friends wedding is another 5,000usd plus airfare and waht the car and dirver will cost for a propper diplomat pkge merc.

not the techie portion of our show,

i relized a day or so ago i could use my external pro burner on the new computer ,and finallys et it up however,...
i cant fidn the dam cord, today i even dumped the entire box reorignized the 100's of misc cables and nothing,
all i have is the one for the labtop,........

and icant network as i need the dirvers and dirvers via the cdrom,.....

but i shoudl get the 300 gig and cdrw on the 3rd, dvdrw on the 12th,
o may take it all with me,...

maybe,

pictures of it to come soon

stil have to get father the cables for the inwall speakers and exteriior speakers ,

blah blah blah blog

im goign to read me some harpers

¶ 9/28/2003 12:13:00 AM //

I dunno about josh,........he seems a bit mm, well, red,.

the problem may be more so with miguel,......hes
the idalistic near perfect roomate,....thus the contrast,

anyways he has ocmpanythus im held up in my room and i had forgotten my labtop downstairs (waited
till 4 am to grab it and thus voial,.brought to you buy a endless supply of vaio battries and
a handy dandy wifi conenction)

so trapped in my room i was left with either eating candies which i wasnt really tempted to do althoguh im
sort of hungery,.......or,.......

read sophies worl the never ending book,...........i only had 50 pages to go,.

and 2 years after is tarted reaidng it im done,.last chapter was good too,.....

it delt with the stuff it ry to explain ppla nd the look at me wierd and say your too dumb to know that (but they are too dumbt o get it),.its high school petty stuff,.but this further elaborated in to it.

but i fewlt better abotu finishing it,....nwo i can hide it with the other items,.....



another thing i miss is the way she hugged me,.......when she 1st hugged me i thought it was mmm,.
i dunno,.but the 2nd time and thereafter were very tightly,.......and intial reaction was,..
me not being able to breath,.....but ,.well i grew to love it,....instantly when i relized the menaings behind them,
so sweet and sincere,.......so,........like her,.....

i miss those hugs,.......i had never been hugged liek that before and maybe again,....

she made me feel wanted

¶ 9/27/2003 04:23:00 AM //

no one gets in,.......no one is in,.........no one will ever get in again ,
the wall ive built around myself are high and nearly unpentratable,.

im dreaming more and more latly,.......but they are getting weirder and less and less pertnate,
last ngith i supose silly ones becouse iw asnt really tired when i went to sleep,...

i was prime minister of germany? ww2? ww3? anyways it ewas very bleek
and the motercycle escorts were constantly shooting,......and they looked sleek
and black and modern but the guards wore black leather (like nazi's)

and i then told osmeoen to hold the train,.....and i was out walking twds soemthing and i knew no one owuld notice me,....and comming up the other way was my asstant? or soemthing,... and they were newish amtrac k trains,

oh as he was comming twds em he had 2 guards big ass machine guns (its dream so no idea what they were, liek a saw
+ a turkey hunting gun= ??? and someoen stepd out to greet him a civillan,...and as he put up his hand the guard oput out his gun,. he put down his hand and they went off,

when i said hold the train he turned and ran ,.......and i uspoe he missed it ,.it was more liek a tree house (of metal and rust in greenish tints) than a train station,...one mans tading there against a wall,...i saw someoen down below who saw me turned foot and went inside as though expecting me,....i then slid down the stairs (as 1st i thought i coudlnt have do to the poor construction fo the stairs) but dreams,.........

so i cant remamber anythign after that,........

im not sure if connected btu the next oen ,

i had these 2 tennants,....rotten girls?,... im not sure,.........and this guy a freind/former teacher? help me solve the problem and commended me and huged me ont he way out,.......this perosn i do not regonize form my reality,.mayeb a actor?
from panco villa flick?,.........dunno

3rd mayve still unconencted,.

my father wanted me and my brother to disasembal something disgusting,.......it seemed disgusting but it was just my computer, the new one,.......and i was almsot done and i said ther eyou egt the point i cant do more,........
and he said to go on,.......and i fliped told him he was a siadistic fuck and he can do it himself? i dunno weird,.

my father ive forgiven for all the things hes done to me (he used to give me a propper thrashing when i was kid,.the kind you only give another a guy,.......stiches all about to proove it),..... the fuckign state blamed me! what hypacritical bitches,

anyways , i talk with him becouse now i feel sorry for him aloen in his castle,.......

i have to visit them on the 7th although i am hesitant,in doing so,

i stil havent foorgivent hem for kicking me out and they blame my leathe rjacket for that,

which is bullshit,.........they also blame my car,


ill tell you exaclty why they made me homless at 16, and yet gave my brohter everything he wanted and more,

becouse i had a opinion well formed and well thought out, and it contradicted theres,

and mroe so imporantly, the catalyst if you would,

i stayed out late,.......yeap,.......that was it,......did it 3 times and out i was no warnings no nothing,
well i ve said the manor in which they did it below, with suberbans and guards in front of the church,.

church was an exuse as time to get me out of the house so they could destroy everything,


even when i lived there my room was constantly being ransacked, i could throw anything out as my garbage would alway be gone through,......and one time even my father destroyed everything in my room and through shards of glass all about so that i would prick myself while cleaning it up,...

my mother was worse,

she still plays midn game while my father,.another reason he stoped was becouse i stoped,.......
one day i asked myself why do i cry when he hits me? so he wont hit me again,.....the pain wasnt that much
after years of abuse mys kin ahad grown tougher,....sensitivities dulled,.......i fought back, and for this he was
nto ready,......and when the fight broke out and he was the one who would lose he would pull out knives,......
and then when he lost yet gain,.me bloody yet him defeated,.......he would call the police,........

and them being in his pocket i would get taken away and have a record while he would go on .

well now he knows better to argue,.now ive grown stronger and his only recource is 1. to ask me to leave
2. for him to leave,

the later is truer more so of the time.

they did so many fucked up things and still ask me why im so fucked up/?

they say i need help ,.the hypacrtical bastards,..........

but like i said my father,....ive forgiven ,........for the most part,........

they still go about thinking they are right they are just,..........and i always have the curve ball,.

i tell them i will leave them aone and just nto see them again,.....this is the oen they do not
want to hear,... my mother seems fine with it,.....becouse shes said so int he past she wish she enver had me,

my father though has less options, as my brother is far away, and doesnt call hima s often,

blah blah blah

im sick it it sick of them sick of life,........

i just wish i had elizabeth,.....

¶ 9/26/2003 10:49:00 AM //

last night i dreamt i was with someone else,.....
ive been dreaming more so latly,......there was that one about a el al jet going down in to
or byt he brooklyn bridge and when i saw the israili flag i thought pfft serves them right for choosing
a secular state , and ppl were diving in after it, first it hought the world had gone mad,
bush was there too, it hink iw as a little kid,........

but last ngiht was weird, i had forgoten about it and only remamberd a few hours later,
when i intally got up i didnt recall a thing,


but you see iw as with someone who i dont really knwo in reality and i cant say im attracted to,
although the person has all the charactoristics any guy would want to have in his trophy girl,
(elizabeth was my trophy girl if you havent figured it out,........she was perfect)

anyways we were together and it was a blur really more like a frenzy of sensations than anything
coherant,......however the person wanted to kiss me, and i couldnt,.....

i told them i was in love with someoen else,.....


and the reality of it all is even if i found someoen else,.......i coudlnt be with them for the reasons mentiosn below as well as
the fact i am mentally no longer here, damaged goods with too many issues that i would nto wish on anyone,
and that walking away sometimes is doing morefor a person you care about than staying.

of course the dream was nothign mroe than a dream,...i didnt see a face, only bits of flesh and
a voice, everything was a insuation and it was just a dream,.......ntohing more,
nothing hsould be looked in to with too much attention

now on the geek front ,

i got my tivo form time warner,......
umm its slow and i have yet to really egt in tot it and tommarrow ill find out how the roecoridngs worked out (as im recording shows tongiht)

and the HD makes alot of noise since its in over dirve constantly,.....nto a very good model i supose,

however i am over all happy with it,

on demand is tempermental as always ,


umm bout it,.my ears feel ugh, so ill clean them

¶ 9/25/2003 06:16:00 PM //

its been about a year i would say , but i cant knwo for sure, the days just melt in to each other and,

it hurts now just as the day after,.....

im damaged goods,....i make a serius effort nto think about her or anythign of the sort and

all of her possesions or all items that reminded me of her i long ago locked away in to a storage facility,
and left the key with my lawyer (after all i did set up a 20M usd trust for her, or thereabouts)

and that was months ago as well,

and i dont do anything i once enjoyed doping becouse we did them together and,.still it hurts now,

and then in addition to all this as i may have mentioned before,
i cant even get off with out thining about her? i dont even find any one else attractive!
its lunacy,..... how doomed am i? i dont find any one else attractiove thus i cant have sex, or
possibly fall in love, (i say this now) for i was so in love with her that i set my midn to her and only
her and it refuses to turn off, and i only lived for her,.....so now i have no point,

and ok,.....so obviusly my needs are not being taken care of,...so solo perfomances right?
matrbating etc etc,.....but no,........becouse mini-me (you think of a better name tell me abotu it and ill use it)
cant even get up unless its a thought about her! how fucked up is that!,

i can have nay oen else ebocuse i only have eys for her,
i cant fall in love becouse im still madly in love with her,
and i cant masterbate becouse doing so involves thoguths of her that i try to forget,

but its not a problem as since i try nto think about her i'm technically impadent,.....
unless i think about her,.......but i wont i cant,

my santity has long ago left me.
just as my love did, and my heart with her,.......

i used to call her lizzy,......it has been so long since i called her, or referd to her as lizzy,
she was lizzy when she loived me back, since then it was elizabeth,.....

elizabeth was whom i was infactuated with and eventually left me,
it was lizzy who i was madly in love with,...it was somtimes to tthe point of madness,....

i would have done anything for her,....i still would do anything for her,


now on the geek front,

my master computer is done,.waiting for the extra toys though,

300 gig hd
cdrw
dvdrw

now today i had some weird news,

my 3.4 p4 just got blown out of the water as the new amd 64 came out,
thousands to get back tot he top ,...
Western digital now has a 500 gig hd thus the 300 gig is cheaper,(though i woudl have still gone for the 300)

also there 500 is faster,

lastly my brother got a new powerbook thus,.
he wants to give me his burner,...... DAM! and i jusyt paid for mine,

but he offerd to give it so im tryign to cancel the order on my current order,


oh and tommarrow i get our new tivo,.....im kind of exited about it,.....

im such a geek! (yet not cool enough to be called a geek),

lol,.miguel had someone come over a few days ago to fix there labtop,.......
and they had a compaq with all those pretty blue lights,....
i want one!,........ but i love my vaio on a emtinal level although it gives problems here and there,

i wonder what jessy is doign w/ his old thinkpad

maybe mother is getting it,

oh yes my parents are gettign a divocre but i think i may have mentioned this as well,

ummmm,......well,........bout it really,.........

im goign to pump a bit and then ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

¶ 9/25/2003 02:30:00 AM //

It aches,……should it still after so long?

I didn’t sleep for the last 3 days and when I finally did I got the sinking feelings
That when I went to sleep I would either
1. not wake up
2. everything would change

and I was looking fwd to not wakeing up , becouse I don’t deserve to,

and now,……all I think of is her, and the sky , it shares the same sentiments as I,

it also weeps,…..and it also rages,..but I rage aginst myself,………

I wasbegining to think that I had maybve started to get better that I had not thought about her thus by deefult,…maybe its becouse im iun such a daze most of the time now,….
But today it hurts, like it did in the very next day, and likethis it has hurt for months,
And tomarrow im almost sure it maybe the same,…


Now on the from the home front,

Ummm well mobo came in I ove it sort of, , have to see it in full action,
The case loos ok but the blue led and blue front badge ruin it, and I have yet to set up any of the drivers etc etc,………..drivers,
This reminds me, miguel had someoen with a problem and I f fixed it,…umm, she had a cold, I hope she gets better,

Argued with the guy at the appliance store to get my razor fixed,he gave me 5 different stories why he couldn’t take it ,
1st it was how does he know its inw arrenty?
Then when he finnally let me speak then he went on to say its his store policy,
Then when I finnally a sbale to say soemthign again,
I told him I would fax,

His only rebulte then was it would take a few weeks to which he was a real dick,
Umm, but I didn’t care I was at 40 hours w/o sleep then,

And he seems very racist mayeb that was it/? Dunno don’t care

almost forgot, my parents are most likly getting a divorce, my father wants to move in with me,
i called him he sounded very sad,... i told my moth once that she needs to be nice too ppl around her,
but she only cares about her old family, not her actual family,

jessy is liek them , and i supose me being more so like my mother,. she shuns me as well,
treats us like we are the help, and i told her this,.......but she wont hear of it, and this is why
i have not seen her in months and soon my father will mov eout as well.

he says he wants to move in with me in NY, and,..i cant really debate it, so i said it was fine what ever he decides

I need some new needles,………

¶ 9/23/2003 08:50:00 AM //

but i think i need a new labtop it froze, and well poof,

ive been getting ht eblue screen of death latly,

more importanbt things 1st.

yesterday i worte becouse i had writen in over a week,
lots was said, all is now forgotten in the fustration,
but the just was rage rage rage, hate hate hate (myself)

i had a dream,....it was about elizabeth,
even when together i rarly dreamed about her,......
i only dreamed if at alla bout work,....and she was always there but never there,
umm it was long distance so i supsoe it makes sence,

i was in bed and i awoke to a phone call,.(sometimes i get calls in dreams and wake myself up
thinking its a real call) and so i answer it in a normal voice hello? and
it s elizabeth and im shocked and i fall weak,.....to the point of death weak, and
she sounds the same, as though nothings ever happen,.....and i introupt her
and ask her why shes calling? that she hasnt called in over 6 months (more like a year)
and,. then she falls silent,.and with my last breath i tell her i love her and,......
i assume she has hung up,......

if she had spoken to me once more i wouldnt be so bad as i am now, but she is dedictated to what
she set her moind to and well,.....for me that means death as she was what i lived for ,
what made me get up what made me do what was propper she was everything, she was my life,

and now being with out her it is well, it is death ,.

i miss her so dearly, i try to fool myself and soemtimes i think im better and then i think of her and it all goes to shit,
ive been good about not looking at any photos, or doing naything related to her or that we used to do etc etc,

but no,........there is no salvation for me,......dance with a goddess and the world will never look the same,

lshe made the world pale and dull in contrast to her self,.....and she was th elight,
and now im doomed to a entrnity os insanity and darkness,



right now on the domestic front,

my father came by and really went to work ont he tree, i feel sorry for him as well,
hes alone,.....and he shoudlnt be, empty nest, hes very outgoing, talaktive etc,
and a socilable perosnw ith an impecable work ethic (far greater than mine)

he got everything done in 2 days ,....it was very impressive , it woudl have taken me nmonths,

i told him to lay off twds the end as he was willing to do it all,

he did alot, and i am aprechative,

found a new roomate,....josh,..........out of the 50-60 ppl i interviews for the place (its insane over a week too
thats what you get for technically being in NYC) he was by far the nicest or most outgoign person that
showed up, and so he borrowed the world ugliest van (though its a propper trooper) and moved in just abotu next day,

i made him sleep on it though,

which is great becouse i pay some of my bills and im even eyeing a ddvd burner,

which brings me tot he toys phase of the post,

i orded alot of shit for the computer,.its so far costing me 1,000 usd+ and i could have even gotten a new one,
althoguh it wil be a propper gaming machine,.the xaser 3 case is very nice im through impressed with it so far,
and tommarrow i pay my bills drop off my razor (to repair) and then hopefully i wont miss ups and i will get
my new asus mother board ( p4c800 deluxe) it talsk too uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu(which sad to say is the primary reason im getting it)

but i got lots of light etc etc, the onlyt ihng coming over i would say is/are the proccer and old hd,
well the thing went to shit when i got the new ram stick so , ther eyou go,

umm when all is siad and done specs shoudl be

2.8 p4 (soon to be 3.2)
1512 ram (1.5 gigs)
dvd burner
cd burner
420 gigs of space (300+ more soon)
and umm thats all the major stuff,
lots of geeky lights uv reactive rounded cords,
etc etc

but the case is so nice and big too, it has space for everything, i just hope the hd fans all work with the rail system,


its so big , and i hope managment is possible, but with many things coming it may take another month,
as i want the wiring to be near flawless,

so that means the new dvd burner (which is on its way) 300gig maxtor (on its way) and lite on cd burner (on tis way as well) will delay the proccess,

but im faily exited about it all,

then the following month a new hd for the labtop although as of late it has been experinceing the blue screen of deat hetc etc, and i do relaly have to say i genuinly love this labtop , although a bit slow at times its been with me ,
and i do really like it, ppl marvel becouse it is a sony be it old school but they dont know, and i have all the goodies for it, and ,.......wellt he only major grips are its slow, blue screne of detaha nd hd,
btu i hope the blue screen is remedied via the hd, and its still fine for surfing as with the addition of the 2 new batteries and the wifi, its beocme invaluable, and although it cant play all divixes what it can do is great,

i am noticing under my lamp im using now the keys are a bit dirty, maybe a new key board although this one formt he inside is rather clean all things ocnsiders, maybe ill get some compressed air as well,

umm nwo im rambling,

remamber , read mils place for better stuff (he lives a charmed life)

¶ 9/21/2003 07:49:00 PM //

You zee the problem is that all drive that I have has just seemd to poof,..

I never had drive,?..sometimes mostivated by the more,.mm lets say synical things in life but ntohign really,
I just wondered vicariusly through,?I got used to being hated to having doors slammed in my face and
Being rejected,???and then when I hit the ?real world?,??well bit about the real world 1st.

You would think ?NY? was the real world but,??.its not its fake, its nto as bad as LA persay
Or melbourne, but its bad,?its fake, lots of fakes, lots of ?divas? and me,??the synical man in black,

And conneticut is not real, its pathetic unles syou make mid 6 to 7 figures a year

Back to real world,.(where I left off)

So you see I arrive in the real world and vicariusly float along,.sucseed in everything I do
By chance ,? by some sick twist of fate,?I but my 1st house at 17 , while just being homless
Afew months prior,?somehow I buy another and so on,.the cars executive toys,

Some how I ?make it? and it never hit me,.becouse I never wanted ?it? I didn?t know what I wanted,
I woke up for the sake of waking up,.wasnt suicidal then, wasn?t talking to myself,
My hands didn?t shake my hair was just starting to whiten but wasn?t white,?.

I was asleep, I didn?t know I was, I just wonderd through life,.bouncing around,?

Stock? Sure very one else has it,?live in greenwich? That?s where the VP has a place?
Sure ill get one of those too,? whats that? Dinner with muffy and buffy at the club? Sure,?..
Seems so very distant from where I am now,. Just poof,??removed,

Wondering through life,??no goals, no ambition,?.just preset defults defined by gentics,
Everything was such a fucking fluke.

Then it changed,??.event the change was coincidnce,?it wasn?t expcted,.i didn?t see it coming,
It always hit you like a frieght train sure,..but for me,??.it hit like a ICBM, it hit hard,.
And I didn?t wake up till 2 weeks later,?.on my birthday when I hit 18 I think it was,.

Elizabeth

And life was good,.life was worth living,.goals ambition all there,?.worth living worth breathing,
But I was worshiping false idols,.smoke and mirrors, and the role of copperfeild played by god, his supermodel/assistant
Elziabeth,??buttons I didn?t even know command codes hiden deep inside, she hit them all, all perfect
Perfection in a nutshell ,.fuck,?.who naturally smells like vanilla? Its not natural ,..its gentics!
Its ,???well point is she did,?si si ,. It was lotions or creames as I 1st thought,.no 3 am in the mornging and
Its just how she was,?who else but the devil runs a muck on scince, goes mad, gets in trouble smiels and gets out of it,

Of course hind site is 2o/2o

But back to mememememmememmememememme

So everything was working,??had everything,.then economy was going downhill,..
No no no,.elziabeth needs a better life on day have to keep sandbaggin keep saving keep earning,.
She says she didn?t care about monetary sums or anythign of the sort, and
I beliuved her (some psots below about theroies) but I could nto take that

So I feel back on once upon a time what unamed perosns in relation used to do,?
I picked up the gun , did what I had to do , went to work for unamed ppl, became apart of the under world,
Did what I had to do,?developed multiple personalities , split up my schyce, on purpose,
So I could be with elizabeth, one minute slip out the back, do what I had to do , come in and slip back in bed,
She never knew I was gone,?.

You cant do it nay other way,?its jst not feasable,?..but I justified it all,?and it would have theticly worked,
Had she nto left me, I could have made it work,?but the phycis spilled over,?the manorisms sometimes didn?t stop ,
I had to put forth more of a mental effort,?.. I was taking on bigger and bigger jobs,
Too much for one person,.im not leon I cant take more than 25,.shit even leon didn?t go for more 10 (well the nypd thing)

But me I was tryign to get more and more for her,?but I always played it safe,?but I sliped here there,
I would get shot,??but she never seemed to notice the scars,?.its hard to believe as im almost one huge scar,
Between acid baths and shot gun rounds I have almost no rela skin left on my back,..all oif the regrown varity

But yet she says she didn?t notice,?.i find it all hard to belive,.

But reguardless,.now ill just take on anything,?cops too why not,?.while hes on duty? Sure,.in the station? Alright
I ll do his family too and that?s for free if you can gurantee my a propper chase,?.suicide by cops,
They don?t seem to mind,?.why would they? Especialy me,?..

And its not like I havent been cought,?I mean that stint down on the docks and the feds,.there was now ay to get out of it,
But unfortunitly (or fortunitly I don?t know) I have very good lawyers on retainer,?..
So 17 felony counts later and grand jury inditment,?.im free? Well no oen misdaminer for larceny 4th? 5th?
Pfft doesn?t matter becouse there is no record,?..as far as they system knows im joe schmo of evergreen terrance
Living my life paying my taxes (and pillaging )

And now t sven worse,??no goals, no ambition, and no purpose,??.
So instead of getting this to fill the lust for blood,?I stare at the ceiling,?..
Instead of leaving the house to get food,?I stare at the ceiling,.
Instead of showering or doing much of anything,??.ceiling,?.
I sometimes confine in mr.wall but no ceiling for the most part,.it needs to be sanded and refishined,.

There is just nothing,??..void,??..more funds than I no what to do with really, although I have set a budget of
Only 45,000 usd a month as well,?.i don?t want to live too utragusly (in ny that?s roughing it so fuck you)
I pay the bills,???soemtiems I don?t,. ceiling really,??.before I had no reason to wake up I just did,
But now,?..i wake up and,.i don?t want to ,?.i don?t want top wake up, im a prime candate for the usmc,

Ill die for a cause,?..but for elizabeth,?for her id kill,.for her id wage war, for her id go through murky swapms, use my hands snap men in half , take them arapt piece by pice, slowly, with surgical precison, (or with a dull rusty spoon) for her id do anything,
Its fantisim at its worst, ?.for her I did kill,?..she just never knew it,?..it was all for her,

I see the confessions of a madmen type blogs,?..if they are mad? What does that make me//?

Sanity has come,?..taken a loot around,?.said aoemthng to the ffect of tisk tisk to himself and ran away,?..

I think I may go for a walk,?..im beging to lose it again,?..




I live in the past , becouse I fear the futre, and cant stand the presant, I long for better simpler times,
Where I knew myself, and I knew where I stand

¶ 9/13/2003 01:05:00 AM //

the blood is infected, it must be ridded of,


evoultion doesnt apply tot he human race it seems,...not in the world we live in,

if it did eveyroen would be pretty , smart etc, this is why i take my stance,

being gay is natures way of saying no mroe for you (maybe?,...justa theory nto to be anti gay/lesbian)


but in india,..........well you need ot have satture, power success, etc to get married,...
its all arranged and all premeditated,...whya re there so few retarded indians? exactly,
cruel but it seems to work, but it keeps the super rich super rich and the poor very poor,

and well the pretty and string umm well whatever you get it,

I am infected with disease, i have commited unspeakable crimes against humnanity against nature, against man,

i have doen thing which i may never speak of,.......my bllod ,.it rages, at times
it thirsts for more blood,....rage RAGE RAGE is sometimes all i think about all that cansumes me,
agression hate,......HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE,....

who do i rage against,..who do i hate so much?,.......myself,........i blame no one but myself.

thus the blood is mutated its tainted,.....its diseased,.mental illness phisical illness,.....i cant allow it to go on,
for the sake of famila,.....they ,.the new genration may have no concept of pride only self fulfillment,....
but i am nto without honor,.......i will be alone the rest of my day,.......elizabeth leaving me has shown me,

i am not fit for this world,......and am not fit to be called man,..even my flesh wants to escape me,
it rots on my arms,.,.....i could have never been good enough for elizabeth but,....

it only opened my eyes,.. and i saw that i shold not have been,. i only do harm in this world,.
i only hurt , i only feed, leach , i am border line supervillan in some respects,.

i thank elzabeth for this,........for showing me that i can not have anyone becouse i hsould not have anyone,
that what spawn i may have would only grow to reighn terror as i do,....to commit unspeakable things as i do,.

to be as i am,...........but as i should not,.....i always secretly hoped i could have children with elizabeth one dya
int eh distant futre,.that they would be like thier mother,........but i was a fool A FOOL,...

i am not fit to go on,.........

and if there is a hevan and a hell,.....i have surly secrued my place in the later,.

see you when you get there

¶ 9/10/2003 11:54:00 AM //

i knwo i kmwo hard to belive,.........like seeing a shooting star wishing for death seeing it make a aireal manover phisicaly impossible and having it hit you,
but by the time it reaches you the atmosphere renederd it down to a pebble and thus it went relativly unotices and yoru friends looka t you weird,..........umm right,

i have a ad,...becous ei need to find a roomate becouse,...umm i need to eat? and so its a proccess which works and every one
well every other at the very elast tells me im a trip,..........so i get lots of emaisl loads of calls and only 6 hours in (why ppl in my time zone call em at 4 am i dont know) and so i have yet to figure this out,

then someone wrote

"PS-People call me a trip too."

oh this person has bronie points enough to get themselfs a a sikorsky (if i can get one of my fathers at a good proce)

¶ 9/10/2003 11:35:00 AM //

well the grounds keeprs in the cemtary cleaerd up the tree but left all the broken tombstones,
meanwhile the porton on oursdie is teating on colapse,but my father was in town so he helped me clear the path then to remove the garage door manually,
to get out the eclipse from the garage,.i put a cover on it and the driveway is now almsot over flwoing, maybe 2 more tops,

today i had to pay bills, and i usally walk the few miles to the post office,.....well like 2,....whcih in NY might as well be 10,

and i noticed a werid thing,...it was osmthing you woudl see in afghanistan or pakistan (i have seen it in pakastan and rouge misc. eurapean counties witha ovakia in them but never in the US) on the main road goign up oen way was a dark dual cab pick up,........wait form the top,

i'm comming out of the bamnk after taking out a considerable amoutn to run accross the st. to the post office when i notice this guy, real
well,...inconspicuse,.t shirt , jogging pants,.....and a fine leather bullet proof atache hand cudffed to his wrist,......(i knwo it was bulelt proof becous ei have one just like it,....) and he was on his mobile speaking louder than he shoudl have saying how they shoudl have been there by now,.even the handcuffs were not the typical blue steel but a carbon/titanium ones,.......the kind that take hours to cut off , unles syou use the propper actelene torch,

(why i knwo all this i dont know)

and intally i passed him off but he was crossing the street, walking around eraticly,.

then i notice up the street comes a dark suv hybbrid,.liek the suv's with mini pick up beds ,.popular overseas but not here as of yet,
and its big black scarish,.then another oen identical comes formt he other side down the st,.........stoped at the light,.
then the one runs the light pulls in to the side st, the 2nd on blocks traffic and from a side st emerges a dark cadillac (i dunno)
no diplo plates or fedirally plates and 2 guys jump from the car 2 from the truck they throw the guy int he car sandwhich him in

then truck 2 follows close and they speed off,........


your guess is as good as mine but im assuming isralis,....and no one noticed! its as though i was the only one,.but even i just shrugged it off happy that soemthing liek that happen and it wasnt me invloved as well that kind of cordination is so freaking hard beocuse in residental situations its near impossible,.
to have 2 trucks arriveing at the intersectionm at the same time as the car,......flawless executuoion,..........etc etc


i dont knwo why im thinking of this now but once upona time,......i was in high school (no shit your saying)
and i never liked gym and i was in a school where i knew most the kids but i had not seen them in years, longish story,.but i didnt really care for them or thier childish ways,.evben though in retrospect they were all very mature, but im stil not one for rendeer games,

and so i would sit on the sides during gym and well do homework or draw,.the outsider type thing and this girl would talk to me, i was neevr intrested in her but she seemed nice enough,..and so one day she said something baout a radar detcter, and i worked at radio shack and thus, i had many (Which i bought)
and i was always getting a new model so i offerd her a old one collecting dust,.......it was ntohign to me,........voila,.

weeks later i get harrassed by radio shack they said i stole it,.,...........well no 1st they had me do a inventory,.........we were short one model,......
but i had no diea they were conected,........they blamed me then,.........and the model was missing forever, and the one i gave her was a much diffrent oen and still i was blamed,...........she went looking for a new cord to another store and told them how i was just some pathetic kid trying to get in her pants and,.

then the managment at radio shack said these thigns to me as well and i was really broken when i finally put one and one together (took a while to do\ as she stil; treated me the same and by the time all this had happen i was nto in school)

its not ike she was even a looker,........she was quirky weird and on the sideline just like myself,........but some ppl get off on that,

elizabeth must get off on that,........she the one living the life,............me remambering the one i used to have,.

and i sitll worry about her,.....and i still lvoe her,..and i wish we were still together,........ but no,.

thus if ic ant have her,........it must be a sighn,.......i will live the rest of my days alone,......i will only trust myself i can only count on myself,
if i lied to myself i can punish those responsable,....i can see the falls coming that is et for myself,....

i was born alone, to parents onlyt o be abandoned, when i needed guidance, and later to fall in lvoe with a girl whom would only
abandon me when iw as at my weakest,....when i needed affection that i so readily gave to her ,......i agave her everything left
myself with nothing,..........and from nothng is what i must feed

i am my only enemy,........i am my only freind,......i am by myself,......no one can get in to hurt me,
the walls of hagador have been built,.........i built the walls around myself high,.....strong,.....no one can get it,.....

no one can ever get out

it is not a castle,.........it is a tomb

¶ 9/09/2003 10:02:00 PM //

so ive been studing liek qa fiend for this self operation bit,........then there was a snag and
cameron decides to move out with less than 30 days notice which puts in in a fiscal jam,

but i think i may manage,.but finding a new roomate really puts mys tomahs in knots and i constantly have the sensation of wanting to vomit,
i never do but i cant eat cant sleep and then no one ever shows up , just so many flakes,...
its almsot not worth it,. but when i find good ones (migeul) im really happy about it,

hes virtually flawless,.and why he doesnt have a dozen gf's i have no clue,

then after goigng through all the work of ad devlopment etc etc
he says now he wants to stay,.hes going back and forth,..just hope he pays up so i can pay the bills,
and not have to dip in to savings,....maybe it was a ploy for him to use his deposit as rent,.......

first he was late 5 days but when i told him his photos wer ein he swooped down picked them up and took off w/o paying me,
then he said hes leaving and would be by, never came by,...

i guess im goign to lay down the law,..........either he pays of hes out type bit,...

they are so ungrateful,.........i think he broke up with his gf.,......this is what ahppens when you lose
the safe house,...even for a 72 hour strech,......

so then i went back to studing figuring if i cant aford the tools this montht hen next month,..

i may regret having to shave my head but i dont want my hair getting twisted and ripping off parts
of my scalp,....my hair it kid of storng,...although goign white

miguel then recamend volenteer work, or non profit work,......so i went online and i found a no kill animal shelter that was close,
i applied for the post only a few days a week, and its not like im doing naything,.pays horrible (ive made 6 figures since i was out of high school)
its hourly,........and umm i imagien there may be a stench tot he place,........but i really hope i get the place, its a no kill animal shleter nto too far,
and iw as hopeing maybe i could evenm walk to and fro,....a daily exercise thing?,......maybe,....

and it is only 3-4 days a week and something to keep my mind offf other things,

made them a page emailed them a resume did all my homework on them,...but for now,.back to my cranial studies and exepremnts,
i may have to go out and get a subject,......

¶ 9/08/2003 06:41:00 AM //

not suicide but perhaps close,

you see in the circles i am in there are no names,.thers the prince, the pretty boy, the dirver, .oh and boris but thats a joke,
etc etc etc,.....so i went to the chemist and he put me in contact with some peaple and i placed a order for a
do it yourself dr. kit, scalpes, suringes, tonsules, spreaders, the works,.

this was originially to cut myself and stich myself, and iw as out of thread for stiching myself as
the last time i was shot i used alot of it,....

i do have sedatives and pain killers but no,...i never use them,

love used to be my painkiller for ther pains of this life, but now as i am with out love i must endure the pain,

well i got to thinking how there are sections of the brains that do somethings and some that welle tc etc,

it strarted witht he thoguhts of bulelts goign through the head and figuring out what shut down 1st and why,

and at teh time i was drilling a hole in to tmy arm with a drill bit and it sdawned on me,

why not do some homeowrk and expermentatrions, i have or will have surgical drill bits soon, as now i just use these run of the mill ones,

i could drilla hole in to my head,.and stop myself from feeling,......

its not death i want persay its jsut to stop feeling ,..to stop the pain,....

im on my way to a unamed medical center in the area to meet the miricle man and get some books from him,

id like to have this doen by weeks end at latest,.....maybe 3 weeks if its alot of homework,

¶ 9/04/2003 02:52:00 PM //

I was waiting for her to leave,......i knew she would leave,..in the begining i was, but i am not the same person ,

I looked at her and would think she is pretty,....too pretty for me, peaple liek myself never get peaple like her.

I would look at her and think she is smart,.....too smart for the likes of me, ignorent fools like mysel never get the scintists.

she is beutiful,.look atthe flowers turn aay fromt he sun to face her, dark peaple who make the worl
a horibble place to live in dont desrve peaple like her who make life worth living,

and a million such other thoughts,

but i was in lvoe and i had to yet to even kiss her,.......and when i did i was lost forever,.....but there was still some hope of recovery lingering,
the voice in back of your mind,......

i even asked her to leave me once or twice for i was not,a nd as hard as i tried coudl never be worth of her, she was too wonderful too great for me,
but then again i held her in such a high pedaslte, no one would ever be good enough for her, for she is good,.whilsit i am inhernatly bad,.

but as time went on she would always refuse, and tell me things that she should not have,..loved me in return and did things she should not have
like kiss me back,....talk to me, so on,.....and if it were not for these acts of godliness on her parts i wouldnt be in such pain, such rage such torment now,

not at her,..but at myself,...i hate i loathe i dispise myself,......but she,....she for some reason loved me, saw past the bullet wounds the scars,
the rough texture the burn marks the ugliness of it all,......she seemd to love me for me and well,..the naggin voice even fell for her,....fell hard.

it was never how,.it was always it must be,.......

this is why it was such a shock,.......why it was /it is so hard,......ir been months,......and still it hurts las though she just left,

such lies i was fed , and such a fool i am for beliveing them all and such pain i am in over this devstated heart,...

everything changed when i met her,.it went to living life for me, to living life fo rher , that i will do anythign to be with her and now,......
she is not there,....it is nothing,.......and i am nothing,......thus my life is nothing,....it has no meaning , no reaosn no method no ryhme no purpose,

i just consume, leach and ,........every time i think of her i die a little more and ,.......soon i will be no more

¶ 9/04/2003 05:50:00 AM //

My hours are all out of whack,.i get up at 1 am , and well the hours are just ,.mehblah blah blah
one day melts in tot he next and i only grow older and mroe time is wasted doing nothing, most likly becouse i am a nothing,

so i get up and look in to the cemtary fromt he balcony window and,......i sawnothing, i had to take a double take,
and its just oozing in fog,......look outside,.its everywhere,.....now here the thing,.in NYC fog is a rarish thing,

so i sit down and im zenish,.lift some weights (about 300kg and then 50kg curls etc etc) just a s a novelty

and they are showing the gulf war on tv,.......again,.i swear its all they show and iwell i was ina state of zenish,
and it was the discovery-times channel doing the NY times take on it, and so its all sexed up and
i looked at the apaches all the tanks, e-3's rocket birage systems, war ships and,.......to add to what john lennon said
(although imm not a fan) how rome was always the place to be,......and the roman empire something,

well the roman war machine has been replaces,.the empire is now american, and the american war machine is really a
fearsome beast,. the germanic tribes even did damage via gorilla tactics on the romans , thus they almost won,

but today its the civillan casualties that prevent the US form an all out win,...unlike 50 years ago 100,000 civillian casualties are nto acceptable,
you cant just anex the area,.

and they had techy music too so it seemed very anime like,..

and now mind you this is all footage from 10 years ago and on top of which , its all old stuff they show you anyways,

IE: the f-14 which is almost phased out as you never see a blak one (if you see a balck jet it means its coated in radar asborbant matieral which is VERY expensive which means it will bea round for another 20 or so years,.you see some f-18's in black )

its over 30 years old,.......the f-16 was rolled out around the end of vietnam,...
the fuckers are old,.the f-22 has been in service for 3 -4 years already,

how many of those have you seen?

the new u-2/sr-17 blackbird? replacment has been in service for over a decade as well and still youve never seen or heard of it,
ok maybe youve heard of the aura project by listening to tom clancy,.wlel when he speaks but he never comes out and says it its all becouse of a freidn senator of his,.



oh and one more thing,.
im technically a minority and technically have no affilation with these groups so its a observation,


why is when your pro black, your open minded , proud of your heratage etc etc

but when your pro white you justa stupid redneck racist?


also while on the topic of polticial incorrectness on my part ,
the all gay school in ny? is it gay or gay and lesbian?

in either case i disagree with it becouse it promotes sergation within sexual prefernces,

its all for the votes in chelsa and parkslope,

if it was private, well then i wouldnt have a problem, but as its funded with tax dollers,..
i haver a say and,.its strongly oposed,........

¶ 9/04/2003 03:46:00 AM //