yes the games,.....and all the new consoles in the house (dreamcast ps1 ps2 for miguels room )

it reminded me of something my mother did when i was younger,.

she used to be a good mother,.and well we didnt really ask for much,....and so for my birthday i wasnt expecting naything,
we were very young,......and then one day she said something to the effect of go up and in to her coat closet,

my brother and I never really asked for anythign that i can remamber but myf ather had fallen on hard times and mother worked very hard,
and so we did not want to be a hardship and nintendo had just come out,....we would go to a freidns house to play,....

and well she somehow knew this although we did mention it to her, she had gotten us a nintendo system deluxe! it had the gun for duck hunt mario brothers and a running pad! my mother i supsoe didnt want us to vegge out in fornt of the tv and so the running she thoguht would help,

too bad though we used to just pound in stead of run,....it was faster,.....and well 2 of us would pund at once thus win,.....
very fast,.....there was cheetah etc etc,.....

why cant i have that mother anymore?

she used to care so much then one day,.stoped,.....

and up untill she kicked me out i used to tell her every day i lvoed her,....

but like elizabeth,.everything i love goes away,.....my mother doesnt have a choice,..

soemd ays,.most days,.death is my only freind,.the only one who can help me deal with the pain of being unloved unwanted, and uncared for and can make this horrible nightmare i call life go away,......

¶ 8/31/2003 01:48:00 AM //

so this is not goign to be very deep as nothing monumental happend on the mental plane today,

i got up around 7 pm to miguels phone calls asking me to help him move,
i already said i would he only had a few items left,.and so we went to his
former super trendy loft in willamsburg and it was sad in a way,.i saw the place beforeand it was really rough looking ,.coll if you would even though im oposed to the anti willamsburg movment,...(manfest desteny in reverse? ala manhatten to brooklyn?)
and the more iw as ther ethe more i started likeing it,

muigeul kept making exuses for the dust but i kept telling him it wa sok,.....ahh migul is the golden child,

i really like him,.his opinions on poltics althoguh not shared are defently valued,..

and so we got a weight lifting bench a few weights (which i guess ill use , just did a bench press,.miguel struggled with and it wasnt a problem for me since i do onlya million + push ups,.i like,.....camron will laugh becouse "your puny men cant lift even a ton" camrons really built although he says otherwise) i was goign to get a bow flez and well it hoguth it look ugly in the front room but to my suprise no,.

i may do away with the entire front room office bit if the weifght set grows on me,.


and then the toys,.he brought his ps2 and games (YUPPI!) and then i got my ps2 games int he mail, only a few but simpsons road rage and bounty hunter ala star wars (so cheap!) simposns recmendation of miguel,.(if i was gay sip sip sip,.but no,.only eyes for elizabeth , who
would rather stab mine out,..........shes really so sweet,.......(she really is,..like honey and vannilla,.....actually she natuarrly smells liek vanilla,.)

and a dreamcast which it hought ,.meh,..btu the games are really pretty good looking on the bigscreen and the controlers and the lot are very well thought out i may just get myself a system and a series of games for it,...

so many games!,.and here i am typing,..better get to work!,.....

times like these when i keep busy i feel a bit better becouse there is less attention on the black hole in my chest where used to belong the heart i gave to her, only to be disguarded and thrown in the rubbish (later crush byt he garbage compacter ala santiation dept) and the soul i gave to her as well ,....this only leaves me a mind that is fryed and body that no longer can go on for it has no love, no soul no life,.but the fingers and the miswired brain love games,.........so tot he killing fields i go (well simposns 1st so the comical killing feilds)

huah!

¶ 8/31/2003 01:42:00 AM //

no rather a soulution to a problem i found with blooger in reguards to accent marks,

ill put it here ,.....and for now and email it to blogger later,....under settings
under formatting and then under encoding,.change the setting form universal ( 8 soemthing)
to wester 8859-1

i learned how to do accents in html but it was proving to be too time consuming and
i couldnt figure out the space issues (it insetsa space ) so in half the time it wook me to find out
how to do accentys i just went over to a spanglish page and views the source code and voila,.

share it with your freinds and family and google

¶ 8/30/2003 02:34:00 PM //

so you see ,.i lay in bed,.......

and i start to ponder,.if i can manage to over come elizabeth,...could i ever rebuild my life?

am i the only one who belives in love?

in this respect i contradict myself as i say elizabeth is my only love,.......and this i genuinly belive,
its more that an intense madinging, blinding infactuation,.....as infactiatuin come and go as the sun does
through out the course of the day,... but elizabeth was almost 4 years,..and she asked i wait,...

and i waited,.not for me,...but for her,.and for love,....

and am i the only one who cant have sex w/o love?,...lust and all,.,.it just doesnt happen for me w/o love,..

so thus im renderd impadent?,...i mean it doesnt even get up unless i think about elizabeth,...

hedi klum? brittney? shannon? bianca? niobe? super models? actresses? none of them do it for me,.
its pathetic really,....i was so emotinally and mentally phisically even commited that,...
i dont even find any one else attractive,.....well attractive in terms that i would want anythign to do wwith them,
but just about every woman is pretty int hier own way,.. , buetiful is more subjective but sure, the majority,

stunning,.....well thats when it hits you liek a load of bricks,....thats elizabeth,.....
days after i met her, i still had a hard time breathing,...and when i would see her,......
i would have to look down on the floor so i could concentrate on breathing,.....

when we kiss,.....i would have to stop ,.or go in to cardiac arrest,...........yes she was that aww in springingly stunning,

and it wasnt jsut the way she looked,.the way she thunk, the way she analysed everything broke it down to is core compnets
subliminally knew how everything worked ,........they way she thought,....amazing,........her voice i cant go in to but,.everything baout her,
amazing

but throught my day to day life,.all i see re guys talking about getting laid, woman too,...not often
but true,.....and waht i hear form both sides mroe and mroe is love is nonsence,...

maybe its jst that every one gets hurt,.....

she was my 1st true love (Well jade ,.my car but that doesnt count i guess)
i wanted her to be my only love and still,.shes my only passion,....

but unoftunitly i waited long enough to have her tell me she did not want to wait for me and she left me,
i waited months,........only to have her leave me,.....

how i walk ,.or have the energery to life one foot in fornt of another after that amazes me,.

whats worse,....to go on living my days with a blackhole inplace of the ehart she stole and then smashed on ehr way out,
or to be pain free and just end it all?

¶ 8/28/2003 09:54:00 AM //

i did all this before very eliquatended, however now i have to rush through it,
fucking browser just went poof on me and,.......fuck!,......well again as it hought it was relvant,

dream, ,.id ont do this often, or ever becouse,
1. i dont dream anymore, not for over a year,
2. no time

but im here labtop was here,.......so voila,

so im in a aprk,.huge massive,........

i think its corona or, flushing medow,.not centeral,.when iw as a kid my grqandfather owuld take us there,....
he would take us to the park once a week,.on his day off, when he coudl and we were around,.

in a effort to illistrate some points, or to show you the park itself,..i looked for the sta photo and coulding find it so i went only and got one but
ugh what happen tot he park?,...lots of dirt feilds? i dunno,.us open is in town,....maybe round tents but i doubt it,.

/>

/>

the dreams had a almosta video game like feel,......and was very real feeling
(not realist as video games are realistic, but real)

but it was dark,.seems post apocolyptic,.yet very green,.i was on the outskirt by a river bed,.....and iw as with osmeone but i coouldnt see her
face but i was playing with her hand and i was trying to taunt her,.....

but she didnt seem affected, yet i twas happy becouse i thought she was,.and so i had to get to the mainland but it seems liek we wer eon a hige island,.
and there was a over pass type structre we were on and another next to it (think of high ways running along each otheR) all covers in moss, and nothing but out of thin air there was the eclisp ei was in (cheat code?)

and i drove and didnt pay attention ment to turn and i was falling, but there was a under pass,.i was hopign to land right side up but noda,
upside down,.the car burst int o flames and i pulled myself out with ease, and i guess it went boom but i didnt care,.only in a game would you nto care,

so im now hanging upside down"? in a more central location and there is a post and a girl,...a team amte? member? player for sure and she says "it " has been here and went through,..... and to call for back up (last time i told this before i lost that page it was 10 page up to here ,.meh) she was dressed trend y i guess

and almsot as though i had a HUD there were markers on ppl in the distance and they seemd to form a massive circle,.
and on the girl was a red markey and it said soemthing,.i knew she was pwerful and a vampire,.so with otu thinking i had a thing on my arm with a keyboard and i typed a key things and before i knew it she was here,...and just then i regreted it becouse i had feelings for her and she went in to the dark ,.well twds it and i folled her,.right then gian? a naked older guy came running saying "opye oye oye" as though being possed? scared shitless? out of the dark and
well i wanted to stop him to ask him what it was,...but i think its ironic becouse before i went to sleep,.i was donwloading a turismo file and oops its fench porn and the girl wen t"oye oye oye",......

so the girl is goign and im reaching for her to stop and for em to go 1st so iwe go and as we are about to enter the path were it is not lit between the row of trees soemthing is coming at her fast and,.i step in fornt of her and ,.iw ake up,....

the girl even thoguh i never saw her face is the reason for this,....she was sressed super trendy,.aomost matrix like? no not all the s and m but very nicely cute clothes,.dark,.heeled boots,...then it dawned on me,.who do i knwo dresses liek that? elizabeth,.she either dressed casual (which she still looked stunning in always,...) or as a femme fatale,.and this owuld have been femme fatal,....

and the vamprie,.dont knwo where it came form as im not in tot hat sort of thing but vampries,.they suck you dry and leave you to die,

elizabeth sucked all the love from me, and now im left to die,.....

im hungery
i know i had two teammates i cared abotu but,....meh,......

¶ 8/28/2003 06:29:00 AM //

Elizabeth was, is simply the most beautiful creature i have ever seen, and chances are the most i will ever see,

sometimesi would stare at a picture,..look for imperfections and,.noda, then i would scan the picture and run it through a marriot
of filters via adobe photoshop,......enhancing it to 1600% and still,.......never a hari out of place,
never a ny imperfections,...

and with the slightest smile she could turn my in to a jeloo like substance(i would say jello but they have a copyright or soemthing)


but i was watching the sopranos last night (love on demand, becouse there is nothing to watch even with 1034 channels
unless you want to think then theere was the fall of malasoavich and yugolsavia on discovery times but,.pfft, it was 8 hours
in a mini marathon,...........not for me)

and tony and his mother and the girls hes with etc etc etc,


and then i remamber one of the thing elizabethj used to say to me" aww poor rickito" and it would melt my heart and make me feel better,
(her voice is simply amazing, and the accent is so fatal,....her voice alone,.......perfect, everythign about her)

and then i thought,......maybe she mothered me too much?,....i mean sick thoughts here but,....

maybe thats why i thought she would be a good mother, i mean i did want kids up untill a while ago,...but she did not, i could not figure
this out but,.....well , you are who you are,.....so i was able to live with it,

and then whilist watching tony it dawned on me,.my mother was not really much of a moth after i hit 12 or so,....

after that,....everythign changed i guess,......if i wanted anything i needed to get a job,
yet my brothert got everything and admited he got nothign, thus he would only get more,.....

and she stoped caring for me it seems,.......and well,.4 years later she kicked me out of the house,
and,......well,....they had 2 kids for a reason,.fuck up the 1st one its alright they still have another,

my father was no better i guess,.the onlky thing is now, he relates, and talks to me as though im someone
and shows remorese for what he has done,.....her on the other hand,..... not even god , godself is that rightues(i have yet to tdetermine if
god is a he/she / it thus its god, ........but if there was no god,.....the middle east would be so disapointed,........
theyd have to fall back on fightong over race and not religin),... is that rightues,

if my brother did soemthing wrong,.it was ok it was to let slide,.....he was the baby, the cuter i supose,...

i was ugly,.the rebal i supsoe,

but for the same offence i would have the snot beat out of me,

i remamber once my brother fell, and since i was in the proximity , i got beat and my father would go after he hit me every time "op it wasnt me, op it wasnt me",........

ive had a few run in with the police too,...in a few towns but every time since myf ather was of noterity,...the police would ignore it,
i mean once he hit me in the head with a wrench and there was a small pool of blood,........and still,......nothing,

but then after limping in to school a week in a row more and mroe bruises, they called the state (nto the polcie )
and we had a consler,..which blamed me for everything as well and said i deserved to get beat,...

as a gift for comliting the rehabilitation (for me nto them mind you)
i got a key to the house,........yuppi! ,......the next day they changed all the locks,

i never had a key to my parents house,...i was always told i was a guest in thier home,.

my brother on the other hand,.....well he was very pamperd and,.it shows,...

we became as we were raised,.he was pamperd, got the best of everythign thus,

he is goign to a ivy leage school, lunch with the president, , great job at lockheed martin,....

and i am the murdering , mad, phcotic , paranoid, dyslexic criminal,.......

i am so fucked up its not even funny,....i sleep in a room lined in kevlar,..
2 50 cal dessert eagles uner my pillows, a shot gun under one side of my bed a 50 cal SAW
on the other,........a rifle in a nest in a crawl space to pick off ppl in case its a frontal attack
3 safes in my room full to the brim in sub and full aut machines guns and ammo, and another
with funds for if i need to leave in a haste,...... escape routes,
decoy cars left in varius places thoguht the city, foren accts for when on the run ,

and a trust fund for elizabeth for when either
1. my actions/past catch up to me
2. i succeed in commiteing suicide, (as ive tried)
3. i get killed on "the job"

i supsoe engineering is in my blood thus plans and things of this sort,..

my life is full of death and dispair ever since she left,..

and beign with her scared me once,....i was at work ,.....i was abotu to use my trinity line on someone and she poped in my head,
i smiled liek a idiot the sound of my beard against my mask alerted the person in front of me and he got a jump on me turned around and i took 6
to the chest via his HK , i was wearing a vest but i still had broken ribs and more work to do before the night was over,
so i offed him and did the rest of the nights work with a van and a rifle with a imporvised silencer,..... but its very unprofesinal and unlike myself,
and i ended up dislogind my sholder becose i didnt brace myself right ,...but then again i i was mayby 1/2 mile away,..... which in the city is a good shot,

i was working on a turrent rail gun,.......but i need to buy a lathe to make cartages,......or find a prioducer but this may be then tracable,

iwas thinign of ething names on them too,.but no it would most liklly be used in hot pursuit,.....fling the doors open and one shot,
through the radiator, the engine case, passanger compartment and out the back,.......and the car has maybe 100 feet left as it either 1. rolls to a stop,
2. BOOM!



before typeing this out i maybe the n the moment desicison to work out again, i went for a 10 mile run, and came back and then
well after typign this am not feeling so up to it,......

maybe this is not as healthy for em as i intally thought,.

but i need someway to deal with the pain for it camsumes me,......and hating it away doesnt work, and nor does embracing it,

i may stil lhave fun with the chaine saw int he mornign,.....dont know.,.well it is moringing,..
just no light,


as i ran,....i liked the way the sky looked,.....its sky polution but nice,......and the houses across the expressway,.
they are so diffrent door to door,...some extrmly well manacures,.one guy had the nicest door i have ever seen but upon closer inspection (yes so nice i stoped to look at it) it was a security door with infared sensers lined form top to bottom and a diplomatic pakages benz in the driveway and a camera zoomedin on me,.........so i waved and went on my run after flahsing a badge,..........

when i go out at 3 am ish,........i like it becouse it seems liek i own the place becouse the most ppl i see is 2 in a city of 8 million +


ive also noticed myself arguing with myself,......dont know when it happens,......but just does,

and even in gran turismo,..i zone out and somehow ive passed the pack , laped everyoen 2-3 times and set records accross the board for fastes lap,
etc etc,....... and i dont recall doing it,.......but the one thing i dont do when i am zoned out in fornt of it is make pit stops thus
the car is a wall with a violent thud and the controler shakes and wakes me,

once i feel asleep while doing that and the thud woke me,......

ummm,......
yeha i hatemyself, im rambling so back to watching my flick,....

¶ 8/27/2003 05:59:00 AM //

i have no one to talk to relaly , maybe thats why i notice myself talkign to myself,

but i make no effort to meet ppl or go out, and when i do leave the house its at either 3 am or once a month at 830
and even then its all busniess,


im showing all thre sighns,

and in a quest to ask myself why,.....well i wonderd why i write so much petty shit in here,

and all this and so much more,.i used to share with elizabeth, and she ouwld listen and she would help me , and udnerstand and guide me
and she,.......was all i needed all i wanted and so much more and now that im coming mroe and more to the detemrinationt hat this is just nto possible and that i can not have her,.........well,...i dont want any thing,......i want death,.

ive played with fire , taunted the devil and nothing,.

but then again the worst punishment i could have is to be alive,...

¶ 8/24/2003 08:41:00 PM //

ok ok im in hyper geek mod, so after the 1st paragraph,......leave,

i thought i would have atlest been a bit better by now but now, i just miss her more and more,
and each day i think ive reached my pinacle, that no mroe pain can be endured, and eyt the next day
this black hole in my chest where my heart used to be aches even more,

i miss her so dearly, and so much, it been months ! and yet im more a mess now than iw as then,
but i shaved today, and cleaned up my side burns, (you knwo how your hair grows down and does that ugly thing,
umm yeah anyways that)

and i debated getting a hair cut but,.....no ill do as i did when i was in boston,
long hair and the well groomed beard bit,


right now my fiscal woes,

i promised migel the table and so i placed the order for it today and
2 chairs = 1,500 usd
1 table = 4,500 usd

and thats it! its just a simple breakfast nook type thing,.....
ive got to get out of manhatten to do my shopiing i supse,

the pc stuff,.

im goign with asus for sure as they talk (uber cool)
and jessy didnt help much in selction but asked me to pass by my final choice , and i did,

a uber thermal take case w/ matching keyboard and mouse (i imagine this is what gay geeks must do?
i dunno dont know any, and on top of that the gay ppl i know are so shallow that they want a vercacie computer,
pfft)

and so i got to thinking the case is silver and red, and
well uv lights red uv ide cables red cold cathode lights as well,

all and all abotu another 1,000 usd to fix a problem im not sure is even fixable, i only think its the mother board,

oh and i got the 300 gb maxtor!,
aND ATA 133 card if need be,

new silver dual cooling fans for hard drives,

lucily i got the 420W power supply,

oh and a cdrw unit,...25 usd i couldnt resist,

so yeah more like 1,500 usd for a computer i origanly paid 5,000 usd for from alienware,
it may have still been in warenty,.......dunno , tool ate now,


so my budget of 15,000 usd for the month to live,

i have yet to but groceries and im already some how im in the red and have spent 45,000 usd
for this month in toys and furniture alone,......7(the vault being a toy as i dont need it ,.well no i did as the other ones were full, the doors werent closeing)

so im in the red for this month by 30,000 usd,.thats a car! ,

i hate dipping in to savings and when i set up the budget of 15k a month i was sure it be enough,

its not like i have a wait staff or a driver,.heck i take the bus once a month too!
heck i say words like heck,.........

well im goign tot ry to watch a movie and try to zonk out

i have this bad habbit of being nocternal,....asleep at 9 am awak at 7 pm (yah i usaly get up at 4 pm but i rolla round in bed for 3 hours)

if you think about it some ppl would like to do what i do but after a month or so it gets boring,

like permanit vacation

if i had dirve or goals i would do something with myself but the only goal i had was elizabeth and now i fear thta is unatanible,

thus i lose my self to the pain
and it take sover amnd i find myself in a very dark place,.

i mean,...hwo much worse can it get (did i just jinxx myself?)
im stabbing my self with pins sick all the time, scared , on the verge of tears all day (eyet i never cry)
and,....

every day i ask god

"please god, help me die today"

and before i go to sleep its


"please god dont let me wake up "


the breaths i take are wasted ones as ive been spolied forever,
i need her and only she will do for there is and will never be abother like her,
for she is perfection, and sadly i am nto thus i will never have her again,

jsut to be in her arms would give me all i need to survive a thousand days in the dessert if i knew shes wait for me,
and yet it was me who waited for her, and i waited for nothing,



i wonder who will win the human race? and who are we racing against?
each other?,....but then by defult isnt it last man standiung? after all when yoru dead you cant run

¶ 8/24/2003 05:35:00 AM //

it doesn come across as well typed, but i was delierius thismorning as i was nearing 48 hours no sleep

got to the post office and then well the van is perrywinkle blue

and so no radio emans me doing bad impressions form snatch and

for i want to say the next hour i was sayign perrywinle blue van in a pakish accent,...

then i realized it was a carvan and smiled liek a idiot for a moment,.

then i was saying "oy! its a perry winlke blue carvan"


then i finally got the new card 10 minutes before 12,......so turing in but no i had to hook it up ands


my mother board is bad, and now i have an extra card,

so im getting a new case now and a new mobo, i broke down and emailed my brother ias i was so over whelmed,
with the selction,.i just want it to talk! (asus)

but new case, supply,.thermal X i think it is w/. keyboard etc etc,

i wanted a lumenex but this is better,.i supose.
nto better but it matches,
'
umm disapointment alla round btu i got most of my bills out,

stil have to pay for silent hill 4 and next motnh i think ill be pushed to the limit,....

500 usd + for pc
15,000 for new table in kitchen
and a million other things,

ill have to fool aroudn with numbers but as it is the safe set me 10 , 000 over budget for last montha dn i had to dip in to savings,

next month i only budgeted 18,000 usd for living expense but it looks like ill hit 19, or 20 ,.

which means i dip int o savings again,

i dunno,.

¶ 8/22/2003 07:31:00 PM //

hate is such a strong word,...HATE,
and i hate almost nothing,...

nothing but myself,

hitler i am disapointed in,
me,.i hate,

i looked at myself in a mirror today,.
well it was a mirror from the neck down as i supsoe
peaple once upon a time used to be shorter, and as this is a very old house,
and iw as changign my shirt and,.i took notice that
there is almost not one square in on my body that is with out a wound, or a scar,

be it from acid, or beaten, or draged by car or bullet holes,....

or as of late the fact that i need to manafist my hate in a phisical form unto what i hate,

i could have been a dr. i used to liek my hands,.....now i hate them,

i find my collection of sicors, scalples, surgical tools growing,

ive lots quarts of blood,......maybe this is why i am so sick all the time now,
yet no infections,


even prior to my mutilating myself in the ways that i do (as when iwas 7 or so i remamber
the relization i will never be pretty, or handsome, or anything like they show in magazines,
although cameron had his shirt off today and,...hes flawless,....this is justa notiation,
as i i thought hed be scared from being a ranger and all)

even if i didnt, i would still have the scars from "work related" ioncedents, and the fucked up back (being draged for a mile behind a car
down a gravel road and then being shot will do that you know,.......oh and the being beaten with cain,.,.umm i could go on forever with the list)

even with all that,

when i was with elziabeth she never seemed to notice,.....she ddint notice the scars, yet she notced a slight inperfection on her knee(which i think was a shadow cast on it, for she is simply flawless),.....

she even teared up when she saw me,.......in boston,...and it made my hearet weep ,.and i held her and told her it was ok and that we had many
hours still together,... that she did not have to leave,..although she never spent the night with me, always ran off early,

but she would greet me int he mornings which was a pleasant suprise every time,.......

i would be ead tired and she would sit on my bed and i would throw my arms around her waste and try to figure out if i was dreaming or weather
it was real,



i woke up,.......
and it was a dream that lasted almost 4 years,

and now,......my reality is,....

im nothing,

she was everything that was good in my life and not haveing her,
something i love so much

leaves me with only myself, something i hate so much





oh on a plus note, i (geek stuff in corlation w/ last post)

i found a ati radion 7500 for only 15 usd!
and the guy already shippign it same day! ill egt it today!

i was originally goign to only stay up till 830 am go tot he post and sleep but since it will be here before 12,

im pulling a lemans, on grand turismo 3
and i am up now ,.36 hours? 4 more to go,....no wait 6,.....dam!


so i figured while the pc is open and a mess,
300 gig (yes 300!) hd ala maxtor, although its only 5400 rpm,
and only a 2mb cache,.

(as oposed to my current wd caviar edition w/ 8 mb)

im getting it for movies on the network etc etc, it should last me bit as i only have 600 movies,
and they shoudl fit abotu right,

and a new power supply as the 300 watt wont be enough, the new one also has dual fans which this one doesnmt (dumb ass alienware)
and a thermo type thing that read the temp and has a fan to shoot out air,.i ll try to re do the wires,


but the mess is all oevr the dining room and looks like it will stay that way for a bit,

im dripping blood al over the labtop (love the wifi ) and well
you can imagine about my nose, (dam cold)

so im off

¶ 8/22/2003 06:47:00 AM //

this is a geek post so if your nto just pass me by if you will,(i say this now but my post morph mid sentance so nothing is guaranteed)

my fucking all in wonder card,.......the wonder is when it works!,.no no its been ok card, eilable i supose,

today i got my 1 gig stick of ram in the mail (mmmmmmm ram)

pop it open pull out the 2 sticks and i coudl recall which was which (as one of the 512M chips are bad)
so i poped them in was goign to go over to mushkin as i recall seeing a ram checker from when i got a 512 chip for my labtop

(i swear im nto this geeky,..i hope not)..well no i fit the mold i supose,.......loner et cetc,.

anyways so i go to reboot and the screen,.......nothing

hours of trouble shooting and switching moniters and tv';s and hooking up every thing expet the toaster to it to get it to work,.nothing

now my dining room mess has spilled over in tot he living room and computer supplies every where,

i did notice there was no heat sink soultion on my proccesser! god dam it ,.soi put some primo stuff on (artic silver? pfft i dunno)

and vopula,.cleaned the fans and all but still ntohing,


so i hope its stil in warrenty sent a message out to ati saying give me my money back

but it looks like its in warenty as the site says, but it is disconued,

i hope i get a uber new card! maybe not,.

but i hope

meanwhile was about to email my brother seeing if he had a extra card laying around but then it dawned on me,


he never calls,.i never call,........we rtarly see each other and when we do its always very akward,

i hear about him all the time becouse well,.....to my parents he might as well be the child king,
the savior of man kind etc etc (which makes me the anti christ thus im not talked about much)

and well,.......he doesnt liek me very much and im ventureing to say its been,.a atlest 6 months maybe a year since i even spoke to him last,

hes very buisy making toys to blow up things with,.

so i delted the email went online and bought a radion 7500 for 15 bucks off ebay,

its 15 more than i have and 10 i dont have for shipping,.

if i win ill go to the bank tonight get cash and petrol and pay 2 of the auctiosn off and wait til the month is here
to pay the rest (i hate doing it)

btu i always out spend and part of the problem i supose is cameron never paid me what he owes me and i spent it already,

im a slacker liek that

i was goign to ask to borrow some but he never shows up which i supsoe i dont mind,

today the computer yesterday it was the fan which althoguht looks very weird is working flawlessly,

although no grill so its liable to kill a man and the bades may go flying off at any dsecand causeing a passing civvillian
to have her/his eye poked out,

now back to cleaing i supsoe ,

the tub is disgusiting so i layed a coat of bleech and its been "soaking" all day

¶ 8/21/2003 05:16:00 PM //

umm lots to say so little to say it,

im now getting colds bi weekly,
and nyquil has stoped working,.

your saying go to the dr.,
im saying you havent been reading,


my cousin called and left a super diplomatic
\voice mail, i belive getting married now adds
10 -20 years but the stupidity remains,

so if i wait till 25 and get 10 years, is that a guaranted death?

i think i said something while she was gone to thte effect of

"hes not a wife beater is he?,.....no i dont supose so after all he is smileing
int he pictures,.....well who doesnt smile int here photos (besides me)
and who really goes areound whereing a shirt thta says "im evil?" ....i do

and yeap im blacki listed again,.and again,.....

when your parents black list you,......

you tend to think they dont want you habnging artound,

thus my hesitency in visitng my father to return the van,

i have to return it evntually, il just do major shopping once more
and then return it,..

take some logs with me, try to finish the tree still ont he roof, which seems to get only closer and closet, like a tooth pick away from colapsing,.......meh

if it does its a sighn,,,,.

after all jade (the carin the agrage) is my 1st love, as ive always said,

seeing as who elizabeth my true love has gone, and if jade my 1t love leaves,

then ill blow my head out,

oh yes the new safe put cracks in the ceiling,.....way too heavy it seems,......they are hairline now but nay bigger and im afraid i have to yank it,

i do really liek it though,.....no whirling sound like the other one but then again the other one was over 50k usd, (yes im that paranoid) but it has a cool beep and there is a click but the steel is so thick you cant hear it.

but its all about the beeps,

beyong the intall door is a very weird 2 key system which i also like the keys are impossible
to remake and are just funky looking, the combination is uncrackable and the
body/door inpenatrable by convental wepopns (hence my need for an ICBM)

it needs a bit of touch up pain though which i may get,....

meh,.

¶ 8/18/2003 08:06:00 PM //

dunno but ive been saying hola for years,.(since elizabewth as she is a spanrd and all i supose_)

i always said,

i loved her with all m y heart till there was nothing left so i took another one to love her with,..so in a sence i loved her twice as much as she did,...

which if you think about it is true,...as the more i think about it,
she didnt love me,.....rather as i once asked her, she loved the idea
of being in love,......and not me. the dark figure from another country,
rebal, etc etc,.. and in her efforts to rebal ,......she went with him and
it was fine ,.....untill she woke up,....she did not love this man,

or maybe i was just a pawn,

i will never know for she has seemingly disapeared form my life by her own choice.



someone once a few years ago asked me what i would do if she ever left me,
i said i would make an effort to date,..but i would fail,....
and no one else oculd , or would compete with her, for she was, is, perfection
enbodied in a human form,.and she is the work of the creator god itself,

and i would die alone, for she is the closest thing to god that i know, and
if god wills it,.it will be done,

she hates me thus god hates me , thus all i know is hate,.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate is all i know,

you get what you put in, and,....everyone i knew when i was younger, hated me,
and as i grew it only baked , it only intsified, .and her leaving me
is when the cooker fliped its cap and it boiled overand now
all i do is hate ,............hate myself,

the needles get driven deeper the scars grow in numbers,

and i grow only weakers,.

now when i reach the tops of the stairs my legs ache, not from anything but formt he strain
of lifting one foot in front of the other,.since the morning the power came back on i have only left my bed to go relive myself,......thats it,

i watch movies try to escape my reality,.and then get up eveyr now and then to make myself bleed,.jab myself with pins and needles, scaple, i hope to get new surgical grade siccors, so that in staid of what i do know which is i make a hole with a high circumfrence needle and drive it in to puncture the skin and then sclicve accross with the scalple,

with a siccors i could just ddrive and cut,...

i used to stich myself afterwards but now,.....i dont even do thgat i just let myself bleed,

admitidly i just put in a load of clothes as the safe movers will be here tommarrow and ive lost maybe a quart or 2 of blood and it wass all over my clothes and bed sheets,

and well,.

oh yes the safe,

my gun safe is now fuilled to the brim with well,.guns, cash, deposit certifications, t-bills etc etcl,

and i thought a 6 ton safe would have been enough but no its not,

i have had to removed the cash and now its all over the place, and the banks only insure each deposit for up to 100k,..and pfft ,.

so i orders a few safes to place in walls around the house and if i did the math right it should be enough for the money and certs and then next week i get a new gun safe for all the new guns,......well nto new but they need a home,...better place than under my bed which is looking like a ammo dump,.

and then i need my security guy to wire them up (no i have multiple guys so as one never knows the location of all the safes, but elizabeth fdoes) but the 6 toners, you couldnt get in tot with an rpg, but elizabeth does know all the combinations but shes never sen thewm she doesnt care,

its all mad money really (becouse im mad liek the hatter)

liek during thre outage i oculdnt get anythign form the atm's ,.
even after the outage,



so it s goign form 5 safes (6 tons a pice) to more like 25,..

tonage umm, let me do the math,.the smallest oens i order were 1 ton,
and the largest 4,.....as 6 ton safes cost in the 100k's for propper built ones ,

so atlest 15 tons,..30,000 lb's.. and seing as how i already had 30,000 lb's

umm so you can safly assume 60,000 lb's - 190,000 lb's in steel to keep my wepons cash and bonds,.......

thats nuts,

thats me, post elizabeth


i may lose it one day,.....buy a suv loaded it up in ammunition 50 cal, fabricate a turrent int he garage and just drive down the street blowing shit up,........and the police wouldget me oventually,......

i wonder if when we die we get to ask god a question,

mines would be as to why god took her away from me

(this is nto to give the indication she is dead)

and i shrug of the soliders gets a slap to the face (if god has face)

¶ 8/16/2003 04:40:00 PM //

no not yet,

power just came back and the radio si screaming for AC,.not eveyr one has power,


i was expecting it bakc on at any moment,, and then voila,

but no cable landlines etc,

but we dont need no stinkin landlines,


i canablized the desktop for its uber big and furius fans and hooked them up to a jump pack
(the thing you jump start your car batery with) mnade a ac/dc transformer ont he spot using my cigar
ighter as a spot torch and it was land of the lost,..the candles theough,

oozes all all over one of them,.on the imported sony speakers all over the big screen all aover the carpet and on to the chairs, ,.

god dam it!,

vell,......more details later

¶ 8/15/2003 09:44:00 AM //

this post is ,.just becouse i can?

god bless labtops,

i had no idea i was so prepaired but lo and behold, emrgency rations,

more flash lights than con ed, lots of candles (few boxes) etc etyc etc


and labtop with 3 battries and my enghbhors landline,


lalalalala

more from the fornt lines later

¶ 8/14/2003 08:23:00 PM //

guess what,.i already found god and i haveto be honest and admit i didnt like what he had to sell/what he had to offer"

ahh yes jahovas witnesses flocking int he streets in thier monthly ritual and i had my line all ready and i huess they have already learned to avoid me, as the police dept.; in the town i grew up in ahd a picture of my car up with a sighn indicating easy tickets, they have a posted picture of my house with a sighn indicating this is where your fate will be broken and you will wish you stayed int he rabbit hole as oposed to goign up to the tippy top of one of its hairs to see the world as it is before being dunkened back in tot he magicians hate , in to the deep obyisis we all know too well already,



it dawned on me a few days ago, but i had no labtop at hand to type it in and the pda system is not working as previsuly thought becouse the heat is sucking from me what life i had lfet (what nothing form nothign again?)

she stoped loving me a while ago,....shes a very sweet natured person,.thus she waited so long, i was in connteticut and he used to always ask for pictures so suprise i took some and ,.well i remamber she hadnt asked for any for a while..so suprise?

umm she didnt say much, only that i looked older with shorter hair (maybe why im growing it long again?,.too bad its all coming in white,.im only in my early 20's too)

she said i looked older and that was about it,.less than what i had expected for sure, but i shruigged it off,.ussally i got the entire , awww so cute bit or the so sexy thing or handsome or something anything but this time,......nothing,.

umm i think i was in conntecut,.either there or swisserland,.umm very regal home though thats all i recall for sure, and it could have been my parents home as i have yet to expore the enitre estate.

but that when i should have known she stoped loving me,.... but no she went on pretendeing and i went on beliving,.....

and some times she would try to start a fight but i would always tell her i loved her no matter what and one day i finally did say to her that she should stop trying to get me to leave her, for i never will ,t hat she should stop trying to get me mad at her for i never will,....soemtimes iw as disapointed in her, and mm that would make her sad, but i never loved her any less,...

but i never found inside me to deal with what i shouldnt have knowed, and to face reality and,......

one time i recall i asked her why she wanted to get me to fight with her and why she wanted to try to get me to leave her? and she asked me then what i wanted,.....

and i said while she wanted me to leave her i wanted to marry her,......she was the girl,.nay the woman of my dreams, beyond my dreams, beyond anything i could have ever convived for she was the work of the creater himself, 7 days on the world, but the rest of eternity till then (minus 20 someo dod years) on her,....either that or gentic experments for she was the very essence of perfection,....i loved her , still dso with all i have left,

even so many months after she has left me i still think about her contantly ,.....2-3 years is what im told the heal time will be if i try , an di do but its hopeless,.

what would you do? if perfection graced your path stoped gave you a kiss and went off on her merry way,.would you not alter your path? chase afgter the perfection?,.

me?,.i would alter my path my thinking my motivation and even if sovit t34's stood in my way i would fight to be by her side, and in the past all the fighting all the blood shed, all the bodies,......i justify it by saying they were os i coudl be by her side as long as i was, ....i killed for her, although it may not have been in her name,

i destoryed lives in familes with the bullet as she has doen with her smile,


but alas, i was put her to love her, and destroy the world, she was put here to save the world .

i am a casuality of her war on the plauges which haunt humanity, she wills ave the world, she will cure it ofd its diseases, and i will only fade to nothing to be remamberd by no one to be forever what i am now, nothing.

i had my chances, but you see,.......perfection graced my path, and thus what should have been could not. and what would have been was left but to 2 decisions,

glory or total and utter defeat,......the man in love is blind to the later
and vision is only regained after the relizatiohn occurrs glory isnot his to be had ,.....ever.

¶ 8/14/2003 02:16:00 PM //

my new hobby is to lie in bed poinder the nothingness of life and then to pray for death
but only after determinging god hates me,..and yet i only grow healthier,

maybe i shou.d ask for long life? becareful what you ask or you just may get it,

its my fault this mess,.i knew it was coming, and i even made an effort to stop it,

i saw myself falling infintly deeper in love as the days went on and tried to stop myself yet i couldnt,. and yet it only happend faster,.and i told her about this too, and i knew if she ever left me i would be destroyed,.and so i did ask her, that if she needed to leave me to do it then, and if she ever did in the futre, to let me donw easy,

but unfortunitly rthat was not to be.

my freinds warned me,.....its like having an ally that every one warns you will turn on you and i did not listend revealed all my state secrets gave them all my money all my wepons and then when they left with all thier toys,.well i was powerless to stop them and on the way out they llaunch a icbm so they wont have to answert o anyone down the road,

i sometimes wonder if its possible to die of a broken heart,

you have to be an idiot to do what i did, blind a fool,.........and myf reinds warned me,.over and over,.you fool you fool it will be here soon and then it will be all over,

and inevidability knocked on the door forever it seems and i did not wnt to let it in and thus it hoped in through the windows and knocked me off my feet, off my cloud and back down to reality that was anew and

i am alone, never to be whole again, for she took my heart, my soul, and my better half (herself)

¶ 8/12/2003 03:01:00 PM //

I recall today while playing grand turismo how i got thrown out,...

ill start form todays events and proggress in tot his later,

i got up and did the good thing in hopes it help w/ the situation a post or 2 below.

and i had to get to the bank and post office but seeing as how it was only 6 am i sat down to play a round or 2 of
enter the matrix,...very good production value,.only an ok game

before i knew it , it was 10 oclock and i was runnign a bit behind on my day,.so i went otu to the bank
took out almost all my $ in the account and walked cross the st (funny how that is even in a big place like ny,
i can do something liek that,,..the place i live in has a moderttly small town feel on one side and very grand scal eont he other , umm hard to describe)

and then i hadf like 100 usd left over and thought while im out in the van ill get to home depot,

originally it was for the electric bill but its so little,. in contrast that i thought id spend it on melisa but get real she doesnt want to hang out tiwht me
so thus depot fopr a new chain for the chain saw (im as shocked as you,.that they wear out ,)

i mean its to rain for 3 days but today for example almost no rain i coudl have finished,.got there and a million options,

so i got shelves,.other things to get that just sliped my midn even though they were on my palm top that i ahd with me,

but the shelves im kind of proud of my self and they filled up nicely,

and then i got home, and few hoursa later played a few roudns of grand turismo 3 on th eps2 w/ miguel,.

he gave up evn though he beat me one round (so like 1- 10 )

and then i played myself for a hour or so , and the 1st round was so boring (test course track) that my hand went numb and i lost control of the car,.still won, then speical track sereis 11, one of the more challangeing ones an di did pretty good then my mind started to wonder,
and i was doign even better while my midn checke dout,.

it reminded me of how i used to be,.i would do things better if i didnt think or try ,..funny i guess

and i remambed that time in my life when i wouldnt try and get very good marks in school, good driver (raced porche's and won)

and i t hit me like a ton of bricks the way i was kicked out,.

maybe its the fact my mother wont even aknolage my existance again,.my fathers getting a bit cold too i supose.

i was at church,.never wanted to go but i went would donate a fe whundred a week out of pocket which for me working 2 jobs and full time school was hard at 16,......and then i got out to my car and the battery dead and so i went up to there car and asked for a jump and they refused!,.

but my uncle jumped me and then as i was about to pull out one denali suberban blocked my front another my rear and one to my side so i couldnt move,.it was my parents security detail , another 2 pulled along side the one to my side (so 3 to my side one in fornt one in back) and out steped 15 hevily armed guards and they were aiming at me, and my parents escort (2 audi s8's) and my parents car (i think it was the royce phatom, either that or the amg)

and my father rolled down the window and said i was out and the guards shot out my tired and said not to come byt he house or i will be arrested,.

and i did and i was,... (yes my parents had be arrested for goign back to thier house to get my clothes my wallet bank statments etc etc)

and thats how my parents made me homeless,..a few eyars later my grandfather died and that how i was forced to see them again,

another story you dont want to hear,...



mayeb thats why elizabeth amungst a trillion other reasons ment so much,.she said she would never reject me, never hurt my feelings,
never shun me, never kick me out and never abandon me as every oen else in my lfie had,...that shouldnt have,.

but when al is said and done she tooleft, and she too abandoned me at my weakest point,

and the only person i can count on is myself
and the person i ahte the most is irnocly enough ,.......myself

¶ 8/08/2003 05:29:00 PM //

well hoping got me exatly what in the end i feared yet knew it woud,.ntohing,

36 some odd hours later and no calls no emails and thus im left to conclude that
she wants nothign to do with me as well,.im even a nice guy i would say,


my paul bunyon inpersonation was intrupted when the chain saw blade went dull,
after all the work of cleaing it realighing it etc etc too,....pitty,

but if i hear nothing ill get it in the morning or the day after even,

9i should send out the money orders thoguh,.

anyways,

so i worked outside, worked out becouse i couldnt work outside (Althoguh i took it easy i thought the endophine would help but to no avail i felt the exact same.)

im goign to exercise now again in hope that ill get a call,.no call after tommarrow means what i feared,........

althoguh it already seems to be true,.

i saw it comeign but she has the same saint hood qualities i see in elizabeth that i was hoeping for in a freind,.after all elizabeth liked none of my freinds and since she was my best freind,....well i only needed her thus i only had her and now i have no one,..the lonliness gets to me sometimes, althoguh it has its advantages such as , the reasurance ill never be hurt,

but with her,.i just wanted to help,....nothing more,.i even got her a internet account as she was using cafe's and i recall her saying osmething baout having a labtop.

and i was to ffer a conectivity kit so she could use it via her cell phone but ummmm
yeah,....

not ment to be ,.i ment to be alone and freindless

¶ 8/07/2003 10:39:00 PM //

Now me beign inheratantly evil,.rrather to shoot the old lady crossign the street to put her out of her misery rather than to help her accross
(mind you i was a boyscout and i used to do that sort of thing )

I need someoen to do good for in order to be good,

it was elizabeth but in the months since she s left me the homicade rate has jumped in perfectage by double digits city wide (meahahahaha?)

last night this person was melisa,.yeah,.yous ee she is littwerally saint hood amterial and even though i want nothign to do with ehr romanticly,
she so good it cant be helped to stop and be awed for a monemnt,.then back to haking the body with a dull blade,...(i relaly need to sharpen myu swords)

and she emailed back said give her a call and well,.so i got a goo deal fo the tree done went till the chain saw broke and hands went raw, worked out,.ate right a supos e(pizza for breakfast?)

and so i called ehr after that as a bit of a reward? for myself and oh i left like 30 voice maisl,.well no not thirty i would say soemthing nto like it delte it then try again, and umm yeah 15 mintues in i left a random weird one (hi it such and such call me at your leasure at such and sucvh , thanks bye),........that took hours of reasatrch to leave and i coudlnt listen to it as i loath myself and thus dotn liek the way i sound,..ever

i cant be myself becous ei hate myself thius i cant let other ppl see me for they will hate me (even mroe so)

and aftetr all elizabeth only left me after i was myself (this is nto to say i ever posed for her, iwas always with myself with her)

home is where the heart is and i always use to say that it wa sin her arms,.

and now i am leftto roam forever , homless as my heart has been stolen the burned to the ground and left to dust,.

thus i have to heart ot plce at a house to call it home ,

thus i will technically be forever homeless.

¶ 8/07/2003 10:16:00 AM //

this life is such a cruel game for some, too bad they didnt cover that in orentation,

but like a self made poster in my thery teachers lab used to say
"this life is a test and only a test had it been an actual life you would have been given instuctions on where to go and what to do"

as i think is the engneer's motto,.....(but im only a make belive one)

what still baffles me is how the fuck can ppl liek tro each other, i mean sure ive been lied to most of my life and it hasnt really phased me, and it shouldnt, but when she lied, when she brioke my heart i should have seen it coming form a mile away i mean she lied here and there but they were typical of such relationships,.like once i said im sure she foudn other men attractive,..like the entiree italian soccar team as well its a internatinal thing to like soccar(football) players (footballers?) and she said she didnt,....and maybe a year later she said year she liekd aragon,.umm i sort of looked like him i guess,

but I on the other hand (not to play the holier than thou crap) well i had eyes for only her and it was true,.....elizabeth was perfect , is perfect , she litterally pales the compation to the point where there is none,..... i dont intend to ever post a picture of her but,...maybe its becouse i loved her (still do ) so much?

but even if met someone,.id tear them down to bits via elizabeth,.elizabeth has softer hands , etc etc ,.and well when it came to face and eyes,.well no one would comete and that not to mention elizabeth near zero body fat etc,.like ive said a many times before femme fatalew(the fatale patrt very true)

kickboxing, fencing swordsmanship lessons, arobics, cardio, spinning, then genral weight traini g etc etc,.she was incredibly stong but she was still very femmenine, and mmm, she had girly arms (dont know how else to call them ) so thus femme ? ,....

when i first saw her i thought supermodel,........btu no no scentist,.she is what bond girls are based upon,.....and i so wanted to be james,


but i dont knwo how ppl could lie to one another, saying such thing as love and so unhinderd,.i will never leave you etc etc,.....

it was all bullshit,..played me liek a violen,...she knew all the words and ,.well she is a geniues and i never saw it comeing,......

she waited till the walls had been torn down and she was in the thrown room before setting fire tot he castle and burning what ever i had that i referd to as an heart,.


poof, its gone now, never to return as you would need soemthing to cultivate in order for it to grow back,.......there is nothng but ash (which ui cleaned as well im sort of anal about that)

the bathroom is spotless,...after only 4 hours,.its wasnt bad before btu mmm, yeah


Every time i think of her aprt of me recalls, h0w happy we were, how much i loved her, how much i still love her, and then i get a slap upside the dead via a battleship turrent (as basball bats dotn do the trick any more) and i a little mroe of e dies,....i remamber that she no longer loves me , as i still love her, hat she no longer needs me as i need her that she no longer wants me as i want her she no longer cares for me as i still care for herthat she no longer longs for me as i long for her,

that i will most likly never see her agaain, see her smile hear her voice, touch her soft skin, look in to her gracius eyes,.every time i looked in to her eyes i would tear , not becouse i was sad, or becouse i was happy , but becouse i had never seen anything so beuitufl,...

i used to die a littl eon the outside but its only growing to a pace that could not be mached by a runaway train driven by the maniac with fires that of an inferno matched by thsoe in hell,
now i drop to my knees and am no longer capable of even standing, and its showing on the outside ,.deteration of skin,.ive aged 10 years in the last 5 months,...

ppl dont regonize me ,.btu this is nothing new,.....when i was a kid every one did and now ,.my heart as grown old and died inside me and the crul thing is my body lives on by soem sick twist of fate, to be madwe a dancing puppet for the gods, who lagh whilst i beg for mercy and pray for it to be over and pray for the pain to stop for them to end my life and every oring i wake and every mornign i urse the gods for giving me such a xcurse which i call life.

i go through my day with mixed feelings,.they mostly comprise of

1. RAGE

rage as i have never felt just that to raise hell hate everything, so it will hate me as i hate myself

2. sorrow

a longing for the life i once had to be the uncaring self i once was becouse i was loved and lvoed in returned unconditnally thus didnt care of the world or what ti thought

3. Death

the longing to die now that i am no longer myself, the longing to kill ,

4. Carnage
just to raise hell to kill everythign i see to take the basball bat tot he smug face of the person accross the street and beat the civvllianm to a pulp for hsi smile spit in his face ask him how it feels and tell him he look now ont he oputside as i feel on this inside, to destory everything i see to rip the flowers form thier routes and leave them to die on the payvemnt as i am dieing,..

and mayeb the neghbhors dogs as they never seem to want to stop barking.


relic of a life i used to have, of a romance that once flurished and si now a empty room with a shadow of a thing sprawled on the floor facing a gulatin beggin the passerbyers to pull the cord and set him (me) free,........]


inow study the millions of of gesutes that consatute life in hopes they may become reflexes again in an effort to become normal , for the passer byers to assume i am as i once was but,.
even the simplest gesture i need to make an effert to do,.....you smiel ebcouse yoru happy,.i smile a painful smile as a act , as you would do a pull up i have to contort my face to a smile to make the passerbyer think thta i am fine nothing to see go on,........and meanwhile i feel the urge to reach in to my coat pocket remove the side arm romve the smig smile fromt here face eprmintly then y own,..

you fucking son of a bitch i will make you regret the day you were verr born,...........but no this is nto right thus i dont,.........but i can see how/ why vilantes do what thwey do althoguht not many exist here,...

"i was mad, but now im sane,.i was me ,.but now i and myself nolonger for i am gone"

don quote is someoen with whom i can identify,...



They said they would make me anything shrt of gernal in my first term, my first tour of duty,.i scored int he 99th percentile on the ASVAB and was to uncle same a geniues, a prodagy a military midn begging to be molded (mensa thought the same i think,.offerd me mebership but itas a shame all based on the periodics table)

they said i would be sent of to OTC if i wanted to be coem an officer, or to the intelggence agency or to serve on the front as i wanted, to be the propper solider the infentry man, the faceless souless killer as my anceters were and to eturn to a simpel civvllian life 4-8 year later after doign my serivce,....to be a herpo to someoen as i was a hero to noone,

but she asked me not to go,.sow ithout hesitation i turned down my country burtn one of a few bridges i hadnt burned for her,....now i have burnt them all options vastly limited,
btu for hewr i did this withotu question, for hwer i woudl swim accross the channells fight the waves,f ight the dirt fight the tide, fight the world, ,.but now im left here without her to fight myself.

for her i would still do anything,......

lvoe makes you fealrless thus when iw as with her e i would do anything ebcouse my ehart was full of love, soul full of pride, eyes blinded to reality and brain on vacation(extended)

thus walking in to hellfor her was like breathing,.i must ebocuse she asked, and thus i must becouxe i must live beouse it was for her,


and so now here i am
without love
without honor
without life
'
no i have nothg to fear becouse i have ntohign to lose,...i see what i didnt see before and nwo i just dotn care.


i will wondere vicariusly though this life with no hopes no dreams just tobe for the sdake of being, not to make an effort to make a i pact to make a diffrence, but just to be and thus,. it is a waste,.i can do no good.

why bother,.i know how this movie ends,.
i wake, i eat i shit i waste m,y days away with nothing to do , and with wanting to do nothing

why bother? there is no point.

¶ 8/07/2003 10:08:00 AM //

it figures,..once upon a time i told this person i needed a kitchen table thus needed to go to ikea (an exuse to hang out with her?)

she was verry cool, calm collected, super diplomatic ewtc etc,

and i emailed her and she nevr got back,.....thus i thought she wanted ntohing to do with me etc etc as is the trend
(its all the rage in ny, to ignore me,.........every ones doign it,.all the cool kids,......)

umm so i went grocery shopping,...and oops bought too much ,.i dont even knwo what i bought just colas really but
430 usd on food is a bit much seeing as how its only me (as i eat alone) and i cant even tell what i bought,..
one case of heniken is about as extravagant as i get,....and pasta?,... i wantedf ot get shelves but as you can tell on the recept
i ran out of money on the bottom and i litterally had to reach in pocket for change, and didnt want to run tot he atm,...

highlited stuff is migeuls but he has no $ so i dont really expect to be paid back and i now noticed the cashier fucked up and cost me a extra 10 bucks or so but meh,.....

as you can see i used my card which is not even mine it's C+'s i just remamberd but she hasnt lived here for a few months,
she coudlnt take ny,......i think,...

umm yeah anyways you can see i saved a doller eighty eight ! holy shit now i ll have enough to save the farm!

i may mentioned this but i dont remamber and im a sucker for reiteration as i belive (and i may be the only one)
"redundancy is sexy"

i bought a shit load of groceries and i think i did pretty good with 3 carts as i figure ussally 1 cart= 200usd
where as this time it was closer to 150 usd per cart (over flowign oens mind you) but they do have very ineffecent carts that dotn let you place items on bottom and even have things thta preent you form doing so,.probiblyt o make them more structurely sound as soem fat kdi most likly got in one and broke it and sued,

but i degress,.yes a shit laod of food where this guy who looked like that rapper big joe? bih phun? looked at me (he really stuck out,..)
with a weird look and ,.i mean im inrelativly good shape etc etc and ralthoguh not skinny i am in good porportion a si have a gut but very small

umm, my point is im nto fat, and yet i bought mroe than tony soprano does,........meh judge for yoruself (notice the the skim milk)


umm yes but this means no shelves so the 20 someodd bottles of cola are a stack on the floor,
i may re do the pile to maket it more like a pyramid, now its just orginised,.i may ake a fort out of it!,.......maybe not (you see this is why ppl ignore me)



i was watching NWI (news world internatinal?) like a canadian cnn(old school cnn not the new rubbish)

and they showed this guy who was eating alone very sad, his wife wa sin the hospital thier house burnt becouse of
wild fires and they had no insurance,.i wanted to send them $,....but no info was left,.

you know canadians could be evil,.i mean they look just like americans (i should say us citzens as maericans is such a incorrect term as american refers to the americasn which refers to the entire of north and south america, and vel,....i live in the United States of America,
not america,.............or "amerika"

fcuking cemtary workers,.. cutting at 6 am,....its been 2 hours of steady chain saws, but they are cutting a branch i was worried about,.umm but they are stealiong my shade form my trees,.

meh,.

it smells nice but the noise!

if love is magic
and magic is not real is merly a slight of hand movement (etc etc_) a trick ont he mind

what is love then?


i miss her

¶ 8/05/2003 07:40:00 AM //

you see i ws in dienal for the longest time, thats why i still paint i still clean stil shower take relatively ok care of myself, watch what i eat etc etc

i thought there would be hope etc etc,..that i had a snowballs chance in hell but stil a chance,.

and now,.im positive,.i have no chance thus i have no lost all hope,

and the pain has grown signifigantly ,

i have determinded to die of a broken heart is perhaps one of the worst ways to go.


and relizing i will never see her again, never look in to her eyes play with her hair touch her skin, heart her voice,......never again,.

so i quit this game called life,... im not goign to look for work, not goping to take up nyu on all there offers, not teach,m not go to school , im just going to rot away in my room.

i played a agame with god,....that if i did my best at everything for a day,
that i fi worked hard, donated to charity volenteerd took care of myself, my home, painted,
claened etc etc,. that i would get a glimpse of her again (or soemthing like that)

but no,...an email from melisa is all i got, and at that it was a mass mail,..bah, she wants nothing to with me, and the only reason i wanted to "hang out" with her was becouse she was nice, etc etc etc,......but you see, good ppl and evil ppl do not mix,.we ever have our own sides of the rail road tracks,....thus i will never hear form her,......and i dont care.

so after being snubed by god i have no choice but to quit. that this life was not ment for me, that i have nothing to be here for, i am not loved, never to be loved, becouse i found my love, and she hated me so much that she never wanted to see me agaain, that even beign she angel she was could only take so much and had to leave me.

if your parents andyour freinds abandon you thats one thing, if god abandons you you thats one thing,.....but when the love your life leaves you ,..thats soemthing im afraid i couldnt take,.

im just goign to snub everything back, im already such a outcast no one will really noticem, ill leave the house once a month to do that thing i have to do becouse i dotn want swat teams raiding the house,

just float mindlessly numbed from the paines of life, and try to ignore everything, stay in my little world and pray that if god be who god is claimed to be, that they would in fact let me end, that god would kill me in my sleep.

in the mean time i stab myself at ttimes,. and i hope i bleed to death, i dont stich myself s i used to,..give my self gashes accross my stomach my legs and arms and unfotunitly they heel, and i pull at the scabs soemtiems trying to pravoalk infections but unfortunitly i wakre up every morning,.blood soaked sheets which i am goignt o stop cleaning ,

this life with out her is just too much for me to take,.......




ummm, next post will be trival this one the begging of god to kill me.(beocus ei hope god reads blogger?)

¶ 8/05/2003 05:33:00 AM //

thus what i say i just came up with and umm im sure they teach it on OTC

ive said we need a 4-d system of thinking

war is 5-d

1/land
2.sea.
3.air
4.space
5. IT

no shit sherlock your sayign well this is just an FYI

the world only grows small er the battefield yet only grows larger thus it grow in to the only place left the vastlesst arena of speac,e
one which may never be conquerd? becouse after all it is limiteless,
and it will not stop growing lest we lose the war of the phicolgical sort and soemoen hits the buttons and ala ICBM
we all turn to ash,....romantic way to go no?

umm this is the gist of what i wrote, the implications of this and revlations which can alreayd be seen at the civvllian level (haha im one i guess)

and then furthermore so what made this a bit mroe vivid is the the airforce asking for 230 someodd million for space and control development which 118 million tot he SSN systems (the camera that spy on you form above) but of that 83 some odd million was counter space systems,

satalights fighting weach other,.......makes you wonder,....china making a ship to take out the satlight provokes the us to devolop somthing of the sort and befor eyou knwo it anti matter raingin liek fire and debris ,.....

thus sheilds go up and wars wage in space and umm yeah but then phase 5 being IT destory critical systems whiel they are ont he ground,

umm yeah they got us beat int hat too ,......too bad they all use windwos ,.......HA!,.

any encryption can be cracked, nto every battle won,.....

ummmm,..reminds me of this lne i used once,......this guy was a amrk,.he argued and screamed and kicked till at destination, scuffed my new shoes,
and so i said "argues this" and umm rigth dessert eagle .50 a.e. pointed at you and you try not to piss your pants,
shame about the spoiled upolistery, btu tiwasnt my car,


boom mother fucker! game over ,........didnt see it coming did you ,.......i hit the button were all fucked now,......

no i wouldnt do that,...or would i?,......not too hard,....they sell surplus silos,.korea sells the toy you put in side, (no not that sort but the icbm sort)

made in korea,.so its liek a cheap honad (they call it a kia)

but thats the north and south i keep mixing up

rage ,.lots of rage,.......and no where to displace,.

next time i get mad i made just got incredible hulk on someone,.....

think it iwll be a family function but umm right i cant really kill any oen there bouce im in my prime (if you can call ti that) and every one else either too young or too old,.......

but the next person how gets at me is liable to end up a bloody mess,........

ill be sure to wear the cuffs witht he dark knight now wont i (no not batman but umm never mind)

¶ 8/02/2003 07:14:00 AM //

right so mercades,.meh , here they drive around like candies in a candy store (ok bad anolagy but ill never find a good one before i fall asleep so bear with me)

anyways, here americans make a bit of deal abotu them but no where else really till you get to asia,.

or so i have noticed,

indians make a riot about them,.bently? royce? pffft, .

i was watchign the guru as im sure i may/not be quized on it but im too far western and
too far removed,...

anyways my grandfather sort of helped me ont his one as i remamberd what he said when i wasd a kid,

for the longest time we have used the G series for in house security and always had a fleet of armored s600
even the prime minister doesnt have one ,......and the vice president a mid 80's caprice (ill explain about this further down but it will click as why its a big deal)

we always used them becouse,.dotn knwo why always did, reliability?

and well one got wrecked my grandfatehr wasnt happy, and so i asked him why nto get a new one,.

well they are over there as cuban cigars are here,....illegal, and very hard to come by (ok more liek a ton of heroin)

like the cubans in the sence that cops dont care,.......but the state dept will despise you,

he told me we got ours from russia, through afghanistan over through pakistan and through kashmir via rail mostly
and once he tols me there was bti a rush for a wedding? and we had one air droped in,.

if you want a royce you would go down to bombay nd have it shipped all legal like via rail,.but a benz,.youd spend more on smuggling than
buying it in the 1st place,.so thus youd never settle on a 430 or even a 5, but a diplomat mapkage v-12 beast,
armored and all,.....(well armor benz even AMG doesnt do so you need to have it done outsourced

and the govt has a stupid ban on no imported vechals,.....thus the caprice sucha marvel becouse no one has ever seen oen so what if its a 80's
(you can only imagine the uu's and ahh's over clintons 100+ suberbans)

but it such a backwards country,

so recently when mercades opened a factory it dimished our convoy,.granted we drive untouchables but still,.....

and mercades rolled out with a new soemthing over there and ppl were all uu and ahh over 4 of them being sold,.
my uncle tells me this not knowing we bough 2 for goofy as a wedding gift,...umm right a million each usd or therebouts,.but
its the point where you would either get them that or a helicopter,.but liek my father sit would msot likly end up in storage witht reh combiners

they can charge what they like as a s600 smuggled in costs 2-5 million each,....

a 150k car,.300k worth of modifications armor, after market , .the rest is in bribes, leaseing the trian if need be, the rail cars, the fuel
bribing border patols and if the govt is in a crack down ammo,. or the hiring of a cargo plane, rigging fuel etc et cand then bribing air force officals,
as we reside in a no fly zone,......

redundancy is so sexy,.....dual oil pans, dual gas tanks, spikes smoke screens,.bond like in the utmost.


ummm,.so thast why they are so coveted in soem parts,.the legalisation was only within the last year but thats only becouse its a new factory,

they had a partnership with tata locamotive, so thats why i have my disel mercades,...

and well seeing as how we have had members of the family as head of state, a gernal here and there and how assasination attempts
ont he rank and file of the household are nothign new(althoguh its mroe so like the sopranos in the sence we try to kill each other rather than outside forces persay) umm the best example being me taking a 50 cal to my parents new car here state side,.but that was s tatment persay


umm yeah its all very shallow but it stops us from looking inward,.becouse mas suicdes do nto look good,

oh yes and palaces,.its easy to be rich , easy to have a large palace of marble,.........but the old stuff is harder to come by and mroe rare becouse
it means youve had no fuck ups int he family,...that youve always had money since time began to afford the upkeep and that you have had cargivers in place,.

example being the garage we had put in maybe 5 years ago for the gadrner,..we got him a new tata safari for him to make errans in town and
no oen checks on it and during the raining season down came the roof,....one top of the new truck (funnything is it happen here too)
well the trucvk was only maybe 30k usd so no loss (nto my money so litterally) and maybe 2-5k usd for the garage

now iuf a new garage can colapse,.....you can imagien a palce thats a few thousand years old,

umm yeah nothing to say bout life,...bank car keeps being rejected but it still loves deposits, so i have to stay uyp another 2-3 hours so i can clal the bank,

maybe watch another movie?

i saw knockaround guys and the guru,.....didnt really car for either much,..but i likes the fact i got everythign that was said in the guru,..
itsa not ment for an american demographic, maybe just a british one,..

pfft nto indians becouse we steal everything,...

even us,.....i remamber while being there withe my cousin it was uddahm sing this uddam singh that and instead of goign tot he theater paying the 10 rupies (5 cents?) to watch it we held up the place stole the canister took it to the compund watched it a few times and returned it (at gun point,.umm ok when i say gun point i mean we went in with a small army of 40-50 security guards machine guns drawn, and more liukly spent mroe on petrol getting there)

right,.......another movie it is

¶ 8/02/2003 06:41:00 AM //

so at 4 am there is nevcer anything on,...

and i had to burn a series of movies on disc for the collectioin(like 600+?)

ummm, i think i only had 3,.....i stoped downloading like a fiend and ,.more time,.........mopeing?

so whilist i burn and running cdmage on enter the matrix to see if it is burnable or not i need something to watch,.
(umm cd4 croupt even after imports so i need to download it many a more times i guess)

other movies i got this time if your wondering

serving sara
antwone fisher
the guru
the matrix reloaded
phone booth
(im not very discriminating in chooseing what to get i just get a handful of random what have you at a time
this helps to get the unreleased movies,.like the 13th warrior, narc, etc etc thus i get movies months prior to release)


and so ntohings on,..but thank god for hbo on demand,
and i see they have kissing jessica stein ,......
i tried downlaoding once upon a time but no one has it,.too obscure i guess?

and i recall cathryn canted to watch it,.

i used to call her C+ and her sister courtney was C- (corney joke on my behalf)

C+ was a radical feminst men are scum etc etc,.and she had a thing for jews so she ranted and raved about this movie,
that i always wanted to watch.....

now the chance,.its still on,....ummm,.. it seems to end typically,.i would have preferd the 2 girls together,.......
ummm,.sniff sniff no,.....she looked better as a lesbian?,.i dont know..oht hey are friends ,. ok ok back to what i was saying.

oh,..thats the end,.umm i dont liek the ending ,.3/4 through i was thinking it was a nice movie,.......umm the ending knocked it down to end.

i dont knwo why but i thoguht of elizabeth (well no of course ithoguht of her i always htink of her) and me and her at a cafe,
like when we 1st met,......oh when i 1st met mario,...and i was asking her if she loved him,....and no answer so i got up kissed her forhead
and left,.....or i handed a envlopento sure,......

then i imagined her at her wedding,.she told me she never wanted abig one thus i thought one at sea on a cruise line, or get a propper
ship by then (noen of these 500 foot petty yahts like jessy has (brother),.althoguht he does get emplyee discounts on aircraft carriers now,....seriusly)))

and im wearing roughly the same thing in each senrio,.3pice suit,.. cuffs,....the ones with the knight emblems and crossed daggers,.....
the ones i wear when i know im goign to get soaked by blood at work,......

and i stay twords the back,.....and ppl give me the evil eye no one really knws who i am,....well she does,.im perplexed as to why im invited,l..i say no espanol alot , and no englais to others,......

i shake the grooms hand and tell him hes a lucky man,. and if he doesnt take care of her he would be well advised not to sleep with his eyes closed, nor to walk down dark coridors alone or with out heavy security (and maybe a tank?,.....jessy gets discounts on thos eyou know) lest he wishes to tempt fate,

i mean,.her missing classmate that made that remark once upon a time that hurt her feelings,.lets not forget the pulp (litterally) he was turned in to,..
oh yes ,...removed his bones one by one while he was still alive even injected him with nerological enhancers so it would hurt even more so(dont knwo what it was but the mad scintist sells it by the case over by the greek all the intellgnce agencies use it, so do the egyptians and the isralis in intirigatiosn rooms.......umm then he died so i just disposed of the body after that.,. which i thought of would been much easier than it was but mexico pfft go figure.
i degress,

but who are we kidding, its most likly she that will be taking care of him, after all she is ms. prefect/ wonderwomen

i imagine him being a italian soccer player? (before me she had a thing about soccar players)
a nobel prize winner (she wants oen or 2 too and is well on her way,.id givie it maybe within 10 years)

and i see her and i just sort of break down do my best to hold and retain my compusere,...unifomred shades,.....i dont know wether to hug kiss on the cheak or forhead or to keep my distance thus i do the later,.i stay back ,.i reach in to my upper left pocket and hand her 2 envolopes,....in one deeds and
papers related to her endowment (which in reality does exist) and int he other a custumary wedding gift,.....seeing as how even goof got 25,ooo usd
elizabeth i imagine would get atlest 100,k usd and then i step back ding my best to exit gracefully,.exit via the kitchen to the decoy car backaround back (as any security detail knwos in a weddign situation have 4 routes of escape with 4 convoys and lots of routed plans and a backdoor to drop off /redvous with the rest or your detail, .....and if your in with the local govt/
blocked off roads, and if your not, extra ammunition,.umm yeah and always make it too look as though the main is outfront and there are no others and for pete sakes none of these K 431 euro plates as they see you comming from a mile away and at the light youyr fucked ,......but no all these amatuers love the govt. shit)

and so i get in and get driven back tot he airport,....and thats the last i see her,.....

so i envision if even that much happens,.

but chances are never agaain will i have the plesure of seeing soemthng so beutiful,....for there is only elizabeth and everything else,
just a tawianese (no offence) knock off,.... the only reasons flowers are so pretty is they hope to ocmpete, but no,...everything will pale one you see her,

and to never see her again would be to live the rest of your days blind,....and to closeyour eyes a moments escape but
a agonising hell when you open them again,..

what choise would you have but to turn out the lights for good?,.


ive said it before ill say it again and most lilly in the futre as well,.....for her i would do ANYTHING< no task to petty, no feat too great,
for her i would push the button, for her i would lay my life with a smile, for her i would repent, for her i would ensure my place in hell,
for her i would start ww3 (if bush doesnt beat me to it) for her id do anything,.......anything,.

and the fact that i can not do anything,....kills me a little more every time i think about it

bin laden gets his fantics ,....but all elizabeth would have to smile and point and armies would rally ,.masses would form, the world would be set a flame
moutains would be moved , cries beaten to the ground ,. oceans turned read,.....and for ever lasting world peace all she would have to do is
smile and place a flower in her hair,......(the smile being for the nay sayers and the women who airnt in to "that sort of thing",...
becouse once yous ee her smile,. its for ever ethed in to your mind, and your heart jumps out of its skin for what you thought was beutiful what you thought was love was all a lie,..... in her lies all of mankinds soulutions,..world peace,... cures to disease and suffrage,......

i couldnt even begin to convay what it would do to you to hear her voice, ...........you would hcose to go deaf for the rest of your life to hear it again than to live your life without hearing it ever again,....

she is magical,......shes a goddess in disguise as an angel,.....

she makes up for all the evil in the world,...

¶ 8/01/2003 05:53:00 AM //

it all used to make so much sence,..

i would wake up and never even ask why becouse i already knew,.....for her.

i dgo about my day without question
brush my teeth, shower , get dressed out the door to the office,
work,
come home, hang up my clothes shower, make ready fro the next day
work on the house,m
work out
if lucky play a game,
talk to her for a hour or 2
go to sleep and then repeat ,.not my eaxct iteneary btu there bouts,
on time off,.talk to her work on the house,

i knew eaxctly why i did it all,
i worked to make $ to give to her, to spend on her to get to her,

i worked out to be able to keep up with her
(i mean she did have a personal trainer,m a nuritionist, a fencing instricter, kick boxing instructer, matral arts instructer, jujitso instructer,
etc etc etc,.ummmm all this means is not only did she look like a supermodel, not only was she a genius, she could also kill me with her pinky)

why work on the house?,..becouse hse would one day live with me? so i hope? she would atlest see it once right
(in the 3-4 years we were together she never came over)

i read to be able to mentally try to keep pace (although impossible)
i even got in to mensa,....(spelling is not on the test , thank god )

becouse she was a card caring member,

enrolled in classes at columbia, so i could have conversations with her about her work,



and now,......
i get calls from NYU asking to come in,....as well,.i applied but meh,
i never thought id get in,....but now,..pfft why?

i get up in the morning and,... im tempted to reach under the pillow and end it as
when i ask why,.........hours go by till i get a answer (the bathroom)

i dont need money becouse,.its just me,.....i dont pay rent becouse i won, ive paid taxes 10 years in advanced
my retierment is already paid for (as a matter of fact i saved enough for 2)

i have already established elizabeth her trust fund with enoguh for her never to have to worry about $ again,
(becouse in my line of work life is a uncertin thing)

i only need enough for food and electricity i supose,.....thats why i have roomates,......

so i never run in to negatives,.....

its all so pointless,.....
there simply is no reason to wake up anymore, no reason to go to work, no reason to read,

i play games to pass the time,....

pfft thats it really,.i dont do anything,.

like for the last week,....i couldnt tell you a single constructive thing ive done,......
wait no no i installed a new encyption bit i sort of came up with on my labtop and desktop and pocket pc,.....
ummm, yeah but that was this mornign becouse i couldnt go back to sleep,.

if it wasnt for roomates i wouldnt even shower,.......id just stop,.
and wouldnt shower till the stench got to me.

i do laundery maybe every 4-8 weeks just becouse thats around when i run out of my casual clothes,.......

thats it,.......oh and the tree i am cutting down (branch) but thats the neghbhor starting to complain the garage about to
collapse typy bit,.....

i dont know,......

why go on when there is no reason to? just a waste of energy,........effort and air

¶ 8/01/2003 01:26:00 AM //